Quick Fixes


September 13, 2013

4 People Whose Good Luck Defied the Laws of Reality

By Hillery Alley | 382,051 Views

The world is full of superstitious people who are convinced that you need to follow a series of ridiculous rituals to be lucky, from finding mutant vegetation to carrying severed animal parts with you.

That's all hogwash, but if the following people told us we need to drink a glass of cat piss every morning to be as lucky as them, we'd be first in line at Big Pat's Manor of Feline Urine every morning.

#4. Woman Buys Two Lottery Tickets by Mistake, They Both Win

Have you ever been at the grocery store and couldn't remember whether you had already purchased something, like milk? Naturally, you buy the damn milk anyway, because there's nothing sadder than eating dry Lucky Charms at 3:00 a.m. Well, this incident is kind of like that, except instead of being left with two jugs of milk, this lady was left with two buttloads of money.

This was Australia, so that's actually the technical term their bankers used.


September 11, 2013

5 Awful Ways Companies Commemorated 9/11 on Twitter

By Cyriaque Lamar | 328,612 Views

Today is September 11, and most normal people are observing the 12-year anniversary of this tragedy with memorial services or quiet contemplation. But if you manage a corporate Twitter account, chances are you careened out of bed this morning, poured yourself a big bowl of muesli and mescaline, and screamed into your milky reflection, "MY TRUE NAME IS DON DRAPER 2000."

#5. AT&T Says "Remember the Twin Towers, Phones"

Finally, you can offend your entire social group at LTE speeds.

As we've previously noted, companies have zero scruples commandeering national catastrophes to shill random bullshit on Twitter. Also, some folks inexplicably carry on conversations with corporate Twitter accounts as if they're distant cousins.

And on September 11, these two impulses dovetail, so you end up with faceless fast food monoliths like Chick-fil-A and the Cheesecake Factory wanting to deliciously solemnize the day. Such gestures are sort of like attending your grandmother's funeral, only to have Pizza the Hutt from Spaceballs barge in and delivery the eulogy.

She'd have preferred the dancing alien.


September 11, 2013

4 Recent Headlines That Sound Like Bad SyFy Movies

By Hillery Alley | 253,311 Views

Some recent headlines sound so crazy, they could've been dreamed up by the cinematic brain trust behind SyFy channel flicks like Sharknado, Sharktopus, and the unmitigated genius that was Ghost Shark. Unfortunately for the lives affected, the following stories are completely true events, and in no way involved Tara Reid or Eric Roberts.

#4. Roachsplosion

The Chinese town of Defang was rocked to its core when a million cockroaches managed to escape from a medical facility and spill out into the unsuspecting countryside. The roaches were being used in traditional Chinese medicine, wherein they are ground up and used to fight infectious bacteria for reasons that can never, ever be explained.

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Our best guess is that the bacteria dies of fear.


September 10, 2013

4 Reasons Why Remakes of Sci-Fi Movies Are Doomed to Suck

By David Christopher Bell | 307,890 Views

Did you hear? The new RoboCop remake debuted its shiny first trailer, giving nerds around the globe yet another chance to freak out because they made an iconic character black.

And if you're expecting us to tell you that this movie will suck because 99 percent of all remakes are doomed to be terrible, you're dead wrong. Nope, this movie's gonna suck because 99 percent of all sci-fi remakes are doomed to be terrible. Don't believe us? Consider the evidence ...

#4. They Aren't Very Good (and Don't Make Any Money)

Quick: Name a good sci-fi remake that wasn't the glorious Jeff Goldblum/cat-baboon vehicle The Fly. Remember, Star Trek was technically a reboot/sequel. And 12 Monkeys isn't really a remake, you snob, it's just inspired by a half-hour acid trip. Come on, there's got to be at least one.

Warner Bros, 20th Century Fox, TriStar Pictures, 20th Century Fox, Columbia Pictures, Warner Bros