Even in our highfalutin, GPS-and-Google-Maps world people still manage to ring the wrong doorbell. And sometimes -- as these recent news stories demonstrate -- a world of madness is but one ding-dong away.
#4. Couple Enjoys A Nice Dinner, Is Raided By SWAT Team
Florida! It is the Emerald City for ridiculous debasements of human judgment. And one evening -- while finishing the dishes after dinner -- 59-year-old nurse Louise Goldberry lived the Sunshine State dream firsthand when she looked up and saw a laser-sight peeking through her window.
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"As long as it's not another damn Predator, I don't give two shits."
Everybody gets bored at work, so we understand the primordial impulse to spice the day up with some good ol' fashioned kiddin' around. But when you're a police officer who's tasked with defending citizens from themselves using the judicious application of deadly force, the monkeyshines should probably be saved for those hours when you aren't carrying a gun. And you sure as shit shouldn't pull the following pranks while wielding a badge, such as ...
#4. Lightheartedly Inciting Violence Against the KKK on Twitter
Apparently, some people still haven't realized that things you type on the Internet don't just disappear into a consequence-free universe of dancing unicorns. Take this, for example:
You have to admire his entrepreneurial spirit.
Going to the doctor can be an ordeal even before your bunions are properly diagnosed as leprosy -- among those forces conspiring to test your patience are interminable waits, loud children, and shitty magazines. ("Oh, a single issue of Redbook. From 1996.")
Some medical professionals, however, seem to go out of their way to elevate the entire experience from "horrible" to "hellish" in a way you just can't learn in medical school. Here are five real MDs who make Gregory House look like Dr. Dolittle.
#5. The Doctor Who Prescribed Fellatio
With global warming, nuclear tension, and national security scandals plaguing the news, the world just doesn't seem like a very friendly place right now. Fortunately, we live in a golden age of wonder technology, such as Roombas and frogurt. So it stands to reason that we're better prepared than ever before in human history to deal with these dire challenges, huh?
Ahem, no. In fact, many of civilization's problems are being addressed with solutions that, at the latest, were developed when Abraham Lincoln was in office. In what ways are we turning back the technological clock? Well ...
#4. Russia is Reverting to Typewriters to Ward off Cyber Attacks
In light of all the recent NSA and Internet spying headlines, the Russian government has turned to typewriters for the preparation and storage of sensitive documents. For the benefit of our younger readers, typewriters are 19th century devices left over from an era when the only reason to learn how to type was to pursue a career in public records (and not to call your friend a dick-basket on Facebook).