We've talked before about creepy animals that do human things, seemingly for the explicit purpose of casting doubt on our belief in a sane, non-fractured universe. These three animals taught themselves how to speak, ensuring that you remain troubled for the foreseeable future.
#3. Koshik the Elephant
Koshik is a male Asian elephant living in a South Korean zoo that has learned to mimic the sound of five different Korean words, which are presumably variations of either "Where is my goddamn family?" or "I will kill you all."
Current Biology, Stoeger et al.
"Why are you filming this?" is another strong possibility.
2012 saw the Internet popularity contest Twitter lose many of its famous users. These celebrity departures resulted in a shameful number of people giving a shit.
#10. Chris Brown
Chris Brown, who is most famous for beating the shit out of a woman, unceremoniously quit Twitter this past weekend after threatening to beat the shit out of a woman. After getting into a heated exchange with comedian Jenny Johnson, in which he declared his intention to shit in her mouth and retina, he bizarrely repeated the phrase "carpe diem" and abruptly deleted his account. Somebody should probably explain to him that "carpe diem" means "seize the day" and not "Ha ha I win, let's go bite and strangle a 21-year-old girl."
Steve Granitz / Getty
Chris Brown, seen here with a bunch of pubic hair glued to his face.
Coffee is the second most valuable resource exported from poor and/or developing countries (Angelina Jolie's children being the first). Thus the Fair Trade model was established, which is supposed to pay coffee growers a set "fair trade" price if they meet labor and production standards. The idea was to prevent them from being exploited, but the reality is that in practice, Fair Trade just makes exploitation easier.
#4. Growers Are Paid Very Little for Fair Trade Coffee
The FLO (Fairtrade Labelling Organizations International) sets a floor price of $1.40 per pound of coffee, which is supposed to be a "higher than market" price, but is actually hardly more than what growers were being paid to begin with. This is like assuring an employee that she will be earning more than the $7.25 minimum wage entitles her to, and then only paying her $7.26 and a lollipop.
In many cases, growers can make three or even four times as much per pound if they don't sell within their Fair Trade contracts. This is like a Blockbuster clerk being able to earn more cash if he just takes all the videos home and charges admission to his living room.
Mauricio Duenas / Getty
"A man's gotta make a living. Horse college ain't free."
Hollywood dumps an entire summer's worth of wannabe blockbusters into December, so it's tough to tell which ones are good, which ones are terrible and which ones are bizarre Robert Zemeckis cartoons featuring dead-eyed replicants of Tom Hanks and Jim Carrey. Here are the movies you should probably avoid this month.
#4. Dino Time 3D
The trailer for Dino Time 3D looks like the fake movie that gets interrupted to remind everyone in the theater to silence their cellphones. We kept expecting Hulk Hogan to stand up in the middle of it, crush his popcorn and threaten to beat the shit out of the gremlins in the projection booth. Also, Rob Schneider is exactly as funny as the lust murder from Se7en, so taking your kids to see this would probably be about as enjoyable as paying a gout-footed hobo $40 to grab you by the ears and scream into your open mouth.