Ex-NBA superstar/hobgoblin Dennis Rodman has been making the news lately because of his bizarre bromance with North Korean despot Kim Jong Un. (Said Rodman of his recent and second trip to visit his human-rights-violating buddy, "He's my friend for life ... I don't give a shit what people around the world think about him.")
Their friendship is strange, but if you examine the details, a much more frightening scenario emerges: Rodman's life is playing out like a real-life 1990s underdog sports flick, in the vein of The Mighty Ducks.
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He's already in the process of trying to bang Joshua Jackson's mom.
The world is full of superstitious people who are convinced that you need to follow a series of ridiculous rituals to be lucky, from finding mutant vegetation to carrying severed animal parts with you.
That's all hogwash, but if the following people told us we need to drink a glass of cat piss every morning to be as lucky as them, we'd be first in line at Big Pat's Manor of Feline Urine every morning.
#4. Woman Buys Two Lottery Tickets by Mistake, They Both Win
Have you ever been at the grocery store and couldn't remember whether you had already purchased something, like milk? Naturally, you buy the damn milk anyway, because there's nothing sadder than eating dry Lucky Charms at 3:00 a.m. Well, this incident is kind of like that, except instead of being left with two jugs of milk, this lady was left with two buttloads of money.
This was Australia, so that's actually the technical term their bankers used.
Today is September 11, and most normal people are observing the 12-year anniversary of this tragedy with memorial services or quiet contemplation. But if you manage a corporate Twitter account, chances are you careened out of bed this morning, poured yourself a big bowl of muesli and mescaline, and screamed into your milky reflection, "MY TRUE NAME IS DON DRAPER 2000."
#5. AT&T Says "Remember the Twin Towers, Phones"
Finally, you can offend your entire social group at LTE speeds.
As we've previously noted, companies have zero scruples commandeering national catastrophes to shill random bullshit on Twitter. Also, some folks inexplicably carry on conversations with corporate Twitter accounts as if they're distant cousins.
And on September 11, these two impulses dovetail, so you end up with faceless fast food monoliths like Chick-fil-A and the Cheesecake Factory wanting to deliciously solemnize the day. Such gestures are sort of like attending your grandmother's funeral, only to have Pizza the Hutt from Spaceballs barge in and delivery the eulogy.
She'd have preferred the dancing alien.
Some recent headlines sound so crazy, they could've been dreamed up by the cinematic brain trust behind SyFy channel flicks like Sharknado, Sharktopus, and the unmitigated genius that was Ghost Shark. Unfortunately for the lives affected, the following stories are completely true events, and in no way involved Tara Reid or Eric Roberts.
The Chinese town of Defang was rocked to its core when a million cockroaches managed to escape from a medical facility and spill out into the unsuspecting countryside. The roaches were being used in traditional Chinese medicine, wherein they are ground up and used to fight infectious bacteria for reasons that can never, ever be explained.
Our best guess is that the bacteria dies of fear.