Quick Fixes


August 21, 2013

4 Big Reasons Orson Scott Card Is a Goddamn Lunatic

By David Christopher Bell | 305,807 Views

Did you think the teal-and-orange-tastic trailer for the upcoming Ender's Game movie, starring Han Solo, Gandhi, and Hugo, looked kinda neat? Well, Orson Scott Card is the acclaimed writer behind it, along with dozens of other award-winning sci-fi books since the 1970s.

But these days, Card isn't making headlines for the caliber of his fiction. No, he's captured the public imagination for his collecting-farts-in-jars crazy comments about politics and sexuality -- think Andy Rooney, but with more of an emphasis on race wars and less on produce that makes him angry. Here are Card's most unbelievable quotes, none of which involve space ants.

#4. He Thinks We Needed 9/11

To be fair, Card thinks that Bush needed 9/11. Y'know, to make it possible to rid the world of Islamic terrorism ... something that, before 2001, had claimed about 45 American lives. So, in other words, totally worth the deaths of 3,000 people.

"George W. Bush did all that he could to prepare to rid the world of Islamic terrorism prior to 9/11; and because of 9/11, he finally got the political support to make it possible to begin the real job."
-April 11, 2004

"It also gave us some fantastic Toby Keith albums."


August 20, 2013

3 Insane Ways People Are Trying to Teach Valuable Lessons

By XJ Selman | 221,458 Views

You know the parental milestone of catching your teenager smoking a cigarette? Well, some folks prefer to lecture their kids about the dangers of tobacco use, whereas others reprimand their li'l delinquents by forcing them to smoke the entire pack. And then we have those less orthodox parents who force their progeny to eat the cigarettes on a kaiser roll while wearing Joe Camel masks.

Stanford University
"Son, your mother is a slutty dromedary. I'm sorry you had to find out like this."

The point is, sometimes the lessons we teach are punishments in and of themselves. Here are some would-be Good Samaritans who recently tried to share greater knowledge and insight with humanity, but instead ended up showering confused bystanders with sadness and excrement.

#3. Bank and Ad Agency Team Up to Ruin Some Guy's Life

Think of everything the Internet has on you. Most of us have been doing our banking/shopping/porning online for over a decade now, which makes for one big sloppy online footprint. Obviously, it's important that we remember to keep our guard up against identity thieves. It's so important that a Belgian bank created an ad documenting the actual act of stealing a client's life away from him.

Exactly like that single movie Sandra Bullock made in the 1990s in which computer hackers trapped her on an out-of-control cruise ship as punishment for being a witch from the future.


August 19, 2013

4 Brazenly Stupid Criminals Who Just Didn't Give a Crap

By XJ Selman, A.C. Grimes | 258,369 Views

Some criminals spend considerable time and effort concocting new ways to keep the police off their back, such as only using disposable phones or emulating the flinty good looks of Idris Elba. (Sorry, some of us here just discovered The Wire.) But then there are crooks on the other end of the spectrum who go about their business somewhat less surreptitiously and -- to put the behavior in layman's terms -- just don't give a flying shit.

#4. Florida Man Fills Out Job Application at Gas Station, Promptly Robs It

Last July, imminent Florida representative Anthony Thomas went out to his local Citgo gas station to apply for a job. After filling out the application form, giving the place his real full name and address, Thomas felt so satisfied for being a productive member of society that he helped himself to a little reward -- namely, $130 from the cash register, which he swiped right in front of a plainly visible security camera.

If you watch it backward, he's just leaving the cashier a generous tip.


August 18, 2013

5 Crazy Ways Awful People Are Trying to Improve Their Image

By CRACKED Staff | 421,655 Views

Killing folks indiscriminately is historically a poor tactic for winning over the neighborhood. Indeed, some of the most hated people in the world are realizing this and have begun taking steps to refurbish their image. And not by not killing more people and hoping that works this time around -- instead, they're trying adorable strategies that would cause the Girl Scouts of America to vomit up a gumdrop-flavored rainbow.

#5. Murderous Gangster on Trial Unleashes the Animal Cuddling Defense

James "Whitey" Bulger is an infamous mob boss indicted on charges of extortion, drug dealing, murder, and crimes so horrific that Johnny Depp almost starred in his biopic. Knowing that his claims of innocence would make his own mother laugh her ass off, Bulger's legal team switched to a more aggressive strategy: pictures of him cuddling with dogs, goats, and birds.

U.S. District Court- AP Photo

Out of frame: his pet crocodile, Dillinger.