You probably know Sean Parker as the guy Justin Timberlake played in The Social Network. Remember him? He helped make Napster and was a huge dick to Spider-Man.
Anyway, to demonstrate that he has zero interest in distancing himself from that douchetastic image, Parker got married last week in an elaborate Lord of the Rings-style enchanted forest wedding of his own design that cost more money than any of us will ever even see.
The wedding ended up illegally trampling a national park in the process, proving once and for all that fairy tales only come true for the tooliest toolbags in the Tooliverse. Here are the sordid details.
All hail the Duke and Duchess of Douchton Abbey.
In an outrageous attack on the privacy of the National Security Agency, last week ex-security contractor Edward Snowden leaked -- among many things -- a super secret court order in which the NSA asked to obtain millions of phone records from American Verizon customers. So the government not only knows you've been calling Rudy's Dildo Palace three times a day, but also knows how much time you've spent there, thanks to your phone's GPS tracker. Is nothing sacred anymore?
But as anyone who's ever relied on their significant other for rides to work knows, we'll probably have to forgive the government for this. However, we really shouldn't -- even though the sex is great, the fact is that this scandal is worse than you probably think, because ...
#4. There's Nothing Remotely Illegal About It (and That's Bad)
Like anything with the word "scandal" attached, the first question on everyone's mind always is "Who's going to jail for this?" Well, you can take those truTV-watchin' pajama pants off, because there's no single person taking the rap for this one ... since technically no one did anything wrong.
Andrea Chu/Digital Vision/Getty Images
"Here's to institutional sociopathy!"
"... but with less ball-grabbing."
In general, if you're able to utterly destroy an animal with a half-hearted kick or a lazy uppercut, it probably doesn't pose much of a threat. However, these four seemingly harmless creatures have recently begun waging psychological warfare on humanity, and we have no idea why.
#4. A Goat Has Been Terrorizing a Small Town
Anyone who's been to a petting zoo knows exactly why goats are associated with the devil. A simple bag of oats is enough to make them bulldoze a 3-year-old in less than a second like a coked-out tidal wave.
But in the streets of Londrina, Brazil, one goat has decided to forgo the oats and move straight to indiscriminate pulverization.
negociosdaterra via YouTube
Nothing stings quite like a goat to the uterus.