Quick Fixes

Article

June 13, 2013

4 Ways to Hold the Douchiest Wedding of All Time

By David Christopher Bell | 346,007 Views

You probably know Sean Parker as the guy Justin Timberlake played in The Social Network. Remember him? He helped make Napster and was a huge dick to Spider-Man.

Anyway, to demonstrate that he has zero interest in distancing himself from that douchetastic image, Parker got married last week in an elaborate Lord of the Rings-style enchanted forest wedding of his own design that cost more money than any of us will ever even see.

The wedding ended up illegally trampling a national park in the process, proving once and for all that fairy tales only come true for the tooliest toolbags in the Tooliverse. Here are the sordid details.

Mark Seliger
All hail the Duke and Duchess of Douchton Abbey.

Article

June 11, 2013

4 Reasons to Be Angrier That the NSA Is Tapping Your Phone

By David Christopher Bell | 279,076 Views

In an outrageous attack on the privacy of the National Security Agency, last week ex-security contractor Edward Snowden leaked -- among many things -- a super secret court order in which the NSA asked to obtain millions of phone records from American Verizon customers. So the government not only knows you've been calling Rudy's Dildo Palace three times a day, but also knows how much time you've spent there, thanks to your phone's GPS tracker. Is nothing sacred anymore?

But as anyone who's ever relied on their significant other for rides to work knows, we'll probably have to forgive the government for this. However, we really shouldn't -- even though the sex is great, the fact is that this scandal is worse than you probably think, because ...

#4. There's Nothing Remotely Illegal About It (and That's Bad)

Like anything with the word "scandal" attached, the first question on everyone's mind always is "Who's going to jail for this?" Well, you can take those truTV-watchin' pajama pants off, because there's no single person taking the rap for this one ... since technically no one did anything wrong.

Andrea Chu/Digital Vision/Getty Images
"Here's to institutional sociopathy!"

Article

June 10, 2013

3 Reasons People Think The NBA Is as Rigged as Wrestling

By Alex Schmidt | 388,737 Views

Every foul call, missed flop, and LeBron activity in general of this year's playoffs has made the entire Twitterverse explode with claims that "the NBA is rigged."

Twitter
"... but with less ball-grabbing."

Article

June 09, 2013

4 Harmless Creatures That Are Now Terrorizing Humans

By David Christopher Bell | 297,792 Views

In general, if you're able to utterly destroy an animal with a half-hearted kick or a lazy uppercut, it probably doesn't pose much of a threat. However, these four seemingly harmless creatures have recently begun waging psychological warfare on humanity, and we have no idea why.

#4. A Goat Has Been Terrorizing a Small Town

Anyone who's been to a petting zoo knows exactly why goats are associated with the devil. A simple bag of oats is enough to make them bulldoze a 3-year-old in less than a second like a coked-out tidal wave.

But in the streets of Londrina, Brazil, one goat has decided to forgo the oats and move straight to indiscriminate pulverization.

negociosdaterra via YouTube
Nothing stings quite like a goat to the uterus.