There were seven earthquakes in Oklahoma over the weekend. Crazy, right? Not when you consider that, as of June 2014, there have been more earthquakes in Oklahoma than anywhere else in the continental United States, including California. It's not by a narrow margin, either. Just taking quakes with a magnitude of 3.0 or greater into account, the most recent numbers have them "winning" 207 to 140, a beating the likes of which hasn't been seen in an Oklahoma vs. California match-up since this year's NBA Western Conference Semifinals.
Sorry, FCC requirements demand that we make at least six sports references each year.
While there's no shortage of totally amazing true stories in the world, the problem with those is that you actually have to go out and find them -- and why bother, when you can just make shit up and everyone will share it anyway? So in the interest of preserving our own journalistic credibility of bringing you stories of ventriloquism sex and real-life ghost hunters, here is yet another sifting of dung gold from the plethora of ridiculous online media ...
#6. Women Don't Avoid Exercise Because "Boobs"
We understand the impulse to put "boobs" or "breasts" in as many headlines as possible. We just did that. But, if you decide to use this powerful tool, the Mirror, the Independent, and Yahoo, at least make sure the story is true:
But not of "journalism," clearly.
Have you heard the news? After J.J. Abrams' Star Wars Episode VII: We're Using Goddamn Puppets, there will be a slew of new Star Wars films from such directors as Looper's Rian Johnson, Godzilla's Gareth Edwards, and Chronicle's Josh Trank. You know, directors with a track record of making generally entertaining science fiction movies! Isn't that good news?
Well, not exactly. Although we know next to nothing save some very basic facts about these upcoming films, this iota of information is more than enough to ascertain some extremely big conclusions. Namely, that these eagerly awaited future classics are pretty much fucked up from conception, not unlike the way some wizard bacteria got mad horny one day and knocked up Darth Vader's mom.
#4. They're Imitating the Marvel Movies
Disney's new creative model -- that is, simply buying companies more creative than them -- has paid off huge with Marvel's Avengers franchise. So after snatching up Lucasfilm, it makes perfect sense that Disney wouldn't think twice about adopting the same model for Star Wars and plan "at least three" spinoff films to go with the new core trilogy starring Hollywood starlets Lupita Nyong'o and Max von Sydow.
And considering what we know of Disney's record with sequels -- see 2007's seminal Cinderella III: A Twist in Time -- it's safe to say some of those spinoffs will score at least one sequel, right? But there's a problem with that. Take a look at the Marvel universe:
"HAIL MARVEL! Cut a franchise, and two more shall take its place!"
Robin Thicke's new album sold 54 copies in Australia last week. Stare at that number long and hard, just like Robin Thicke would want you to, ladies. It's way smaller than you thought it would be, huh? He did way better in the UK, though, where he sold 530 copies. Things aren't much better stateside, where sales dropped an astonishing 86 percent compared to his last album. You know the one, with that song with the naked video they only spent about 20 minutes making:
To give you some perspective, we're talking about a man who, less than one year ago, had the No. 1 album on the U.K. R&B charts. Seriously, it was the week of July 27, 2013. We aren't there yet on the calendar, and in terms of album sales, it's a place Robin Thicke will never be again: History makes it clear that if your next attempt bombs this hard, you're a one-hit wonder. In fact, if we're talking the time and distance between when an artist hits the absolute peak of their career and when it completely bottoms out, there is only one comparison you can make -- Robin Thicke is the new Vanilla Ice.
Cameron Spencer/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty
Vanilla Ice will transition into the role of the next Spider-Man.