Are you sick of the same tired-ass superhero movies? Are you already fatigued by the 2015 Fantastic Four reboot? Are you exasperated by the fact that Batman v. Superman looks like it has all the mirth and wonderment of a Transylvanian condom ad? Wouldn't it be great if Hollywood threw caution to the wind and just invented a new goddamn crime-fighter?
Well, you're in luck! Look no further than Falconman, the upcoming superhero film starring famous Francophones Jean-Claude Van Damme and Gerard Depardieu. Here's the poster -- it will tell you everything you need to know about falcons, men, men who resemble falcons, and Photoshop.
"My arch-nemesis is kerning."
There were seven earthquakes in Oklahoma over the weekend. Crazy, right? Not when you consider that, as of June 2014, there have been more earthquakes in Oklahoma than anywhere else in the continental United States, including California. It's not by a narrow margin, either. Just taking quakes with a magnitude of 3.0 or greater into account, the most recent numbers have them "winning" 207 to 140, a beating the likes of which hasn't been seen in an Oklahoma vs. California match-up since this year's NBA Western Conference Semifinals.
Sorry, FCC requirements demand that we make at least six sports references each year.
While there's no shortage of totally amazing true stories in the world, the problem with those is that you actually have to go out and find them -- and why bother, when you can just make shit up and everyone will share it anyway? So in the interest of preserving our own journalistic credibility of bringing you stories of ventriloquism sex and real-life ghost hunters, here is yet another sifting of dung gold from the plethora of ridiculous online media ...
#6. Women Don't Avoid Exercise Because "Boobs"
We understand the impulse to put "boobs" or "breasts" in as many headlines as possible. We just did that. But, if you decide to use this powerful tool, the Mirror, the Independent, and Yahoo, at least make sure the story is true:
But not of "journalism," clearly.
Have you heard the news? After J.J. Abrams' Star Wars Episode VII: We're Using Goddamn Puppets, there will be a slew of new Star Wars films from such directors as Looper's Rian Johnson, Godzilla's Gareth Edwards, and Chronicle's Josh Trank. You know, directors with a track record of making generally entertaining science fiction movies! Isn't that good news?
Well, not exactly. Although we know next to nothing save some very basic facts about these upcoming films, this iota of information is more than enough to ascertain some extremely big conclusions. Namely, that these eagerly awaited future classics are pretty much fucked up from conception, not unlike the way some wizard bacteria got mad horny one day and knocked up Darth Vader's mom.
#4. They're Imitating the Marvel Movies
Disney's new creative model -- that is, simply buying companies more creative than them -- has paid off huge with Marvel's Avengers franchise. So after snatching up Lucasfilm, it makes perfect sense that Disney wouldn't think twice about adopting the same model for Star Wars and plan "at least three" spinoff films to go with the new core trilogy starring Hollywood starlets Lupita Nyong'o and Max von Sydow.
And considering what we know of Disney's record with sequels -- see 2007's seminal Cinderella III: A Twist in Time -- it's safe to say some of those spinoffs will score at least one sequel, right? But there's a problem with that. Take a look at the Marvel universe:
"HAIL MARVEL! Cut a franchise, and two more shall take its place!"