Quick Fixes


August 27, 2014

6 BS Stories That Went Viral: Siri's Not a Murder Accomplice

By David Christopher Bell | 340,307 Views

Reading comprehension has sunk to such low levels that Facebook has started adding a "[satire]" tag to Onion articles just to make sure people don't mistake them for legitimate news ... the irony, of course, being that the Onion currently contains more truth than the "legitimate news" companies they mock.

So, until Facebook (and everyone else) creates a "[bullshit]" tag for every popular news site out there, we'll have to continue our ongoing mission to debunk the clearly fake stories they disseminate every week. Starting with ...

#6. A Dumb Criminal Did Not Ask Siri How to Hide a Body

Everyone loves a good dumb criminal story almost as much as they love a dumb "Florida man" story -- so when a man in Florida on trial for murder was outed for asking Siri how to hide a body, the news exploded like a John Woo film starring two Large Hadron Colliders. Sites like Business Insider, BuzzFeed, Mediaite, Yahoo, the Independent, IB Times, Huff Post, and Fox all got in on the carnage:


"Hey, Siri. What do snitches get?"
"... *gulp*"


August 26, 2014

7 Gross Foods Your Grandparents Ate (That We Taste Tested)

By Evan V. Symon | 1,657,548 Views

From the 1940s to the 1970s, civilization apparently gave up on traditional recipes and decided to be creative. And by "creative," we mean they labored under the philosophy that if you had but a few completely random ingredients in your cupboard, you were culturally obligated to combine them Frankenstein-style into a weeping pile of nightmare food.

We decided to have our brave researcher Evan test seven of these recipes from the "temporary insanity" era of cooking and see if he survived. (He did, as he doled the recipes out over a week of misery, instead of in one singularly fatal banquet of the damned.) Were these foodstuffs disgusting or simply misunderstood? Here were the results ...

#7. Ham and Bananas Hollandaise


Yes, this was actually a thing. Coming from McCall's Great American Recipe Card Collection of 1973, Ham and Bananas Hollandaise was a secret government project introduced to distract an innocent public with something worse than the oil embargo. To create this potassium horror, I sprinkled the helpless bananas with lemon juice, wrapped them in ham, smothered them in mustard, and baked the lot for 10 minutes, pausing only to douse them in viscous hollandaise.

If that oven could talk, it would be screaming right now.


August 24, 2014

5 Weird New Movies That Deserve Way More Hype

By David Christopher Bell | 425,976 Views

The average movie marketing budget can now run studios anywhere from one half to four freaking times what they spent on the new [insert most recent reboot franchise here], officially redefining the "indie" market as any film that doesn't cost as much as an island fortress. So, since we recently introduced you to the most insane upcoming superhero movie possible in this or any other reality, we thought it might be fun to help make way for five other films that are just as crazy as anything Hollywood could dream up, but lack the marketing moola to get a McDonald's tie-in.

#5. The Death of Superman Lives: A Documentary About the Most Hilarious Cinematic Near-Miss

The '90s were a special time when our future Iron Man was seen as a drug-addled criminal and Batman Forever was what passed for an acceptable comic book adaptation. This was also the era in which the most hilariously disastrous film that never was brewed silently beneath Hollywood's surface like a questionable fart: Tim Burton/Nicolas Cage's Superman Lives.

You know. This thing:

Warner Bros.
"No, Tim. You don't get to avert your eyes. Look. Look at what you've done."


August 22, 2014

4 Reasons Ashton Kutcher's Buzzfeed Ripoff Site Is Insane

By David Christopher Bell | 222,445 Views

Here's an improbable piece of news: Ashton Kutcher's website, A+, was caught stealing content from BuzzFeed, a website so pockmarked with plagiarism craters that it looks like some sort of douchebag moon. The Kutcher-owned vanity blog has also been lifting its content from Huffington Post, which, like BuzzFeed, is a website that specializes in reposting content from other websites. It's just a big fat circle of nobody doing any real work.

It's as if playing a computer mogul on film and television taught Ashton nothing at all.