As the network Lifetime has insisted on learning over and over again during the last few years: Just because you can make a biopic of a beloved celebrity's life, doesn't mean you should. Especially when everyone in the world is begging you not to bother.
#5. Michael Bay Is Doing a Movie About Benghazi
Quick recap: on Sept. 11, 2012, a group of Islamic militants attacked the American embassy in Benghazi, Libya, killing four Americans stationed there. Since then, there has been controversy surrounding the government's handling of the aftermath, whether or not the Obama administration could have done more to prevent it, and, naturally, a whole slew of nuttier-than-squirrel-shit conspiracy theories.
Hue/amanaimagesRF/amana images/Getty Images
"Benghazi ... Ben ... Uncle Ben ... the White House controls us with rice!"
There is something about the mystique of celebrity that encourages people to spend an irresponsible amount of money on trivial things. A $40 desk chair suddenly costs more than a college education because Ernest Hemingway sat in it to drink whiskey and hate women. A painting of Burt Reynolds becomes worth more than anyone should ever pay for a painting of Burt Reynolds because it was hanging up in Burt Reynolds' house.
And it doesn't take long for all the "good" stuff (cars, houses, furniture) to get sold at celebrity auctions, which means that anyone who wants to share in pillaging the legend of Marilyn Monroe is going to have to settle for paying thousands of dollars for her broken small appliances and moldy old underwear.
#4. Marilyn Monroe's Bra
Proving once again that the only difference between a celebrity auction and grave-robbing is that we don't call it "grave-robbing," fans of the brief but attractive career of Marilyn Monroe were recently able to scoop up some of her personal belongings in exchange for entirely too much money. Up on the auctioning block were the usual items of memorabilia, including old letters, photographs, a "partially used" tube of eyelash glue, and her blender, which, considering Monroe died 50 years ago, probably doesn't work anymore.
"Pills broke the blades anyway."
We go to the movies to see things that could never, ever happen in real life, like Seth Rogen and James Franco's bromance leading to an international incident with North Ko- whoops.
It turns out The Interview isn't the only movie plot that has come true recently, which probably means that the walls of reality are starting to come down as the end of the universe approaches. That, or God is an unoriginal hack who stole the plot for all of the following events:
#5. Geniuses Are Worried About the Machine Uprising
Sci-fi writers have been warning us about the day the robots will kill us all since way before we even had robots, and it's a genre that's still going strong. The recent trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron, for example, shows us how dangerous artificial intelligence can be when it starts recognizing metaphors in Disney songs. The upcoming Terminator: Genisys provides yet another post-apocalyptic future and a valid reason for why the machines would want to kill us (our terrible spelling).
But nobody really takes this AI takeover idea seriously, right? Just a few crazy people, like billionaire inventor/Tony Stark inspiration Elon Musk. In November, a website accidentally posted a private comment by Musk in which he sounds rather alarmed about our future (or lack thereof). The post was deleted, but still found its way onto Reddit.
Where it was downvoted by dozens of totally real people, not killbots.
This year Cracked sent a team of journalists, including me, to the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. For the uninitiated: CES is where the world's major gadget-makers come to show off the phones, televisions, vehicles, audio equipment, and "smart" devices they plan to sell over the next year. CES is a great place to get a sneak peek at the future, but it's also the world's largest repository of useless bullshit technology no one ever asked for. If you want to know what stupid, stupid ideas the tech industry plans to sell us in the future, you've got to go to CES.
We've put together a list of the terrible tech trends you can look forward to in 2015. Don't say we didn't warn you when companies start ...
#4. Weighing Useful Products Down With Bullshit Technology
Y'know what sucks about dogs? No, not the fact that they sometimes get into the garbage, poop on your floor, and die more frequently than NBC sitcoms. The problem with dogs is that they get lost sometimes, and very few of them speak English well enough to hail a cab. That's why we've invented a galaxy of GPS-enabled dog collars, wonderfully useful products that have saved countless pet owners untold stress and pain.
Motorola took one look at this successful, practical product category and said, "Well sure, but wouldn't it be better if we just gave every dog its own smartphone?"
No, I'm not joking. The below product is Motorola's Scout 500, and it's a digital dog collar. The PR person who tried to sell it to us described it as "a smartphone for dogs." It comes with a camera (so you can watch the world through your dog's eyes, but in color), a GPS app, and -- most terrifyingly -- a speaker, so you can yell at your dog from a great distance.
YOU: Hey boy! How's it going?
YOUR DOG: Woof! (Translation: MASTER WHY MUST YOU SCREAM FROM ACROSS THE VOID MY LIFE IS FEAR)