As we've mentioned in the past, good CGI in films requires the filmmakers to spend monster cash -- which is why the Jurassic World and Terminator Genisys trailers both look like Turkish porn parodies despite being made decades after their groundbreaking originals. If the studios were able to make CGI look convincing years before freaking The Mummy Returns came out, then goddammit they should be able to do so now too.
"By Jove, such farce warrants $433 million of our hard-earned lucre!" -the human race, 2001
And, to be fair, some movies have great CGI! However, even when the CGI is good (see the new Star Wars, Mad Max, or any graffiti-ridden Neill Blomkamp film), it still has to be used right. With that in mind, we've collected some of the more egregious computer-generated trends of 2014, such as ...
#4. Using Fake (as in Completely Digital) Blood
Fake blood has been the violent glue that holds storytelling together since the days of Shakespeare, and as movie makeup in general got better, so did the nose ketchup -- say what you will about Fight Club's manboob prosthetics, but that was some top-notch fake blood. And yet, at some point in the past decade, something very strange started to happen. Here's The Expendables 2:
Just watch this for 20 more minutes and you've pretty much seen the entire first act.
As the network Lifetime has insisted on learning over and over again during the last few years: Just because you can make a biopic of a beloved celebrity's life, doesn't mean you should. Especially when everyone in the world is begging you not to bother.
#5. Michael Bay Is Doing a Movie About Benghazi
Quick recap: on Sept. 11, 2012, a group of Islamic militants attacked the American embassy in Benghazi, Libya, killing four Americans stationed there. Since then, there has been controversy surrounding the government's handling of the aftermath, whether or not the Obama administration could have done more to prevent it, and, naturally, a whole slew of nuttier-than-squirrel-shit conspiracy theories.
Hue/amanaimagesRF/amana images/Getty Images
"Benghazi ... Ben ... Uncle Ben ... the White House controls us with rice!"
There is something about the mystique of celebrity that encourages people to spend an irresponsible amount of money on trivial things. A $40 desk chair suddenly costs more than a college education because Ernest Hemingway sat in it to drink whiskey and hate women. A painting of Burt Reynolds becomes worth more than anyone should ever pay for a painting of Burt Reynolds because it was hanging up in Burt Reynolds' house.
And it doesn't take long for all the "good" stuff (cars, houses, furniture) to get sold at celebrity auctions, which means that anyone who wants to share in pillaging the legend of Marilyn Monroe is going to have to settle for paying thousands of dollars for her broken small appliances and moldy old underwear.
#4. Marilyn Monroe's Bra
Proving once again that the only difference between a celebrity auction and grave-robbing is that we don't call it "grave-robbing," fans of the brief but attractive career of Marilyn Monroe were recently able to scoop up some of her personal belongings in exchange for entirely too much money. Up on the auctioning block were the usual items of memorabilia, including old letters, photographs, a "partially used" tube of eyelash glue, and her blender, which, considering Monroe died 50 years ago, probably doesn't work anymore.
"Pills broke the blades anyway."
We go to the movies to see things that could never, ever happen in real life, like Seth Rogen and James Franco's bromance leading to an international incident with North Ko- whoops.
It turns out The Interview isn't the only movie plot that has come true recently, which probably means that the walls of reality are starting to come down as the end of the universe approaches. That, or God is an unoriginal hack who stole the plot for all of the following events:
#5. Geniuses Are Worried About the Machine Uprising
Sci-fi writers have been warning us about the day the robots will kill us all since way before we even had robots, and it's a genre that's still going strong. The recent trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron, for example, shows us how dangerous artificial intelligence can be when it starts recognizing metaphors in Disney songs. The upcoming Terminator: Genisys provides yet another post-apocalyptic future and a valid reason for why the machines would want to kill us (our terrible spelling).
But nobody really takes this AI takeover idea seriously, right? Just a few crazy people, like billionaire inventor/Tony Stark inspiration Elon Musk. In November, a website accidentally posted a private comment by Musk in which he sounds rather alarmed about our future (or lack thereof). The post was deleted, but still found its way onto Reddit.
Where it was downvoted by dozens of totally real people, not killbots.