When you're a tourist, you're subjected to plenty of advice about how to protect yourself from the many dangers that await you in a strange land. Unfortunately, the reverse is rarely true -- no one tells the strange land how to brace itself for your dumb, vacationing ass. Don't think such warnings are necessary? Then let us tell you about how ...
#4. Rich Parents Are Hiring Disabled People to Cut in Line at Disney World
Standing in a queue for several hours so you can enjoy a five-minute ride is part of the Disney World experience. For those with no patience, though, Disney offers VIP packages that let you walk straight into the attractions ... and for those with no souls, there's an even more exclusive method: hiring a handicapped "family member" to cut in line.
"Our deluxe packages include a 'Make-A-Wish kid' or 'amputee vet'."
Yep, for only $130 an hour these "black market Disney World Tours" will hire an individual in a wheelchair to put little rich children right at the front of the line. The people in charge of this service denied that this was a thing they did, before hastily deleting the part of their website that offered "significantly reduced wait times" and a "special entrance":
Dream Tours Florida via bernsteincrisismanagement.com
It's a dick world, after all.
Disney said they're conducting an investigation into the practice. Unfortunately, this means that the Manhattan mom who said "You can't go to Disney without a tour concierge" will now have to take a hammer to her kids' legs.
#3. Mount Everest Is Now Covered in Litter and Human Poop
Sixty years ago, no man had stood on top of Mount Everest. Today, nearly 150 people will make it to the top on a good day, making it more popular than your average Nordstrom. The problem is that they're leaving behind piles of litter, huge chunks of accumulated frozen poop, and the occasional corpse.
They tried the crying Native American thing to get people to stop, but his tears kept freezing.
With so many people wanting to go up there just so they can make "getting high" puns on Twitter, traffic is becoming an issue as well. One area is so clogged that officials are planning to install a ladder to avoid the hours-long bottlenecks happening now. A freaking ladder on Mount Everest. Life has officially become a Naked Gun movie.
Utmost Adventure Trekking/Al Jazeera
This is just the line for the Jamba Juice.
#2. Death Valley Tourists Are Trying to Fry Eggs on the Ground, Leaving Them There
Ever heard the saying "It's so hot you could fry an egg on the sidewalk"? Yeah, so have dozens of indolent assholes visiting Death Valley National Park (best known as "Hot as Fuck National Park") trying to literally fry eggs on the roadside, and then not cleaning up.
"And this is your brain on 'douche'."
This has become such a problem that the Death Valley Facebook account had to post an announcement begging people to cut that shit out, saying that the "maintenance crew has been busy cleaning up eggs cracked directly on the sidewalk, including egg cartons and shells strewn across the parking lot," and adding this picture:
All those people who liked the page thinking it was a metal festival were sorely confused.
Ironically, the problem started when one of the officials did this himself and posted the video to YouTube, stressing the fact that you need a skillet for it to work. Apparently all those tourists misunderstood that last part and have been playing dubstep as they crack the eggs.
#1. Cruise Ships Are Literally Tearing Venice Apart
We've covered the fact that cruise ships are the lumbering assholes of the sea, but there's no better example than what's happening in Venice, Italy. This "City of Bridges," or "Indiana Jones fuck spot," is now being overrun with tens of thousands of seafarers leaning their thick faces over the hull of skyscraper-sized cruise liners wafting along the otherwise cobblestoney city.
The result, as one resident put it, is like a "science fiction movie," as 15-story-high dystopian temples displace water levels, dwarf famous and majestic landmarks, and look generally fucking stupid.
It seriously looks like every day is fucking Independence Day over there, and the results are about as disastrous: These floating monstrosities have gotten so out of hand that they are disrupting radio signals and even tearing apart old buildings with their vibrations -- meaning that the cruise industry is literally eroding Venice into oblivion. Soon, Italy will have no choice but to build their own giant Pacific Rim robots to punch those tourist-filled beasts away.
For over 700 years now, we've watched the Law & Order franchise create episodes based on real-world crimes. And while the whole "ripped from the headlines" genre is fun, things get a little weird whenever Law & Order tackles celebrity scandals. See if you can spot the trend ...
#4. Mel Gibson and His Son Are Racist Murderers
It's hard to believe now, but back in the mid-2000s, Mel Gibson was still on the sane side of wacky as far as moviegoers were concerned. This era lasted until Gibson was arrested for drunk driving and opened a watershed of psycho by blaming the Jews for the wars of the world and naming his arresting officer "sugar tits." Suddenly, Mel Gibson was less of a "leading man" and more of a "Holy fuck, who is this guy?"
AFP / Staff / Getty
One more nail in Braveheart 2's coffin.
If you've ever had to talk to one of the higher-ups at your job and felt nervous about it, just imagine how they must feel: Some of those corporate fat cats only know about the existence of non-rich people from watching Downton Abbey. That's why sometimes a giant company will end up trying hilariously misguided tactics to get chummy with their employees that eventually blow up in their faces, like ...
#4. Walmart Asks Employees for Good Reviews, Gets the Opposite
As children, we are expected to own up to our mistakes and learn from them. As adults, we learn to simply blame our idiot mistakes on someone else and palpate the legal system until a shitload of money flies out.
#4. A Billionaire Sues a Casino Because He Sucks at Gambling
Real estate billionaire Harry Kakavas has a bit of a gambling problem. This is another way of saying that he threw down over a billion dollars at Australia's Crown Casino in the span of 16 months, leading us to wonder how he ever became a billionaire in the first place.
Jamesbehave / Wikipedia
The Crown spent the bulk of their winnings redefining the word "tacky."