Quick Fixes

Article

September 17, 2013

4 Constitutional Debates America's Founders Never Saw Coming

By Chris Radomile | 293,236 Views

Although the Founding Fathers tried to make the Constitution flexible enough to deal with unforeseen future exigencies, there's some shit they couldn't possibly have imagined -- namely, constitutional issues involving underwear or computers or the act of looking at people without underwear on computers. And because Ben Franklin failed to predict the Internet, we're now dealing with constitutional debates such as ...

#4. Should Schoolteachers Be Required to Wear Underwear?

Teachers going commando is apparently such a problem for a Little Rock school district that they've had to implement a dress code specifically requiring teachers to at least put on a G-string when they come to work. However, the code also specifies that the cut and style of the underwear can't be discernible through the clothing, so how they plan on making sure nobody's freeballing on the sly is unclear.

Jetta Productions/Lifesize/Getty Images
Don't worry; he's wearing a bra.

Comic

September 16, 2013

4 More Recent News Stories That Were Total B.S.

By David Christopher Bell | 346,344 Views

As we recently discussed, the media have a troubling habit of scooping up tin jars of magic powder from Internet snake oil salesmen and selling it to the rest of the world as irrefutable fact without bothering to do a quick check on Google search to see if the story they're reprinting is a thunderous chunk of total bullshit. Here are four more gems of completely unsubstantiated "news" items getting blindly reprinted by normally reputable news sources.

#4. There Isn't an Epidemic of Fake Pregnancy Tests (At Least There Wasn't)

According to countless major news sources of varying esteem, ladies across America have begun selling positive used pregnancy tests on Craigslist for $25 to $30 a pop to fellow jezebels looking to trick people into thinking they are pregnant for a few weeks. Each source simply reprinted the story with incredulous outrage rather than trying to determine whether it was actually true, because we apparently don't need things like "data" and "evidence" to tell us that women are ridiculous and will do anything for attention.

Unsurprisingly, a quick Craigslist search in three of the biggest cities in America revealed that the sale of used pregnancy tests is in no way a blazing new trend by any stretch of the imagination:

Craigslist
Not even in weirder parts of "Casual Encounters."

Article

September 15, 2013

4 Amazing Things Hiding On Earth (That We Just Discovered)

By XJ Selman | 578,714 Views

Because of such technological marvels as Google Maps (and the many volumes of Where's Waldo?), you'd think that every inch of planet Earth has been thoroughly documented by this point. But the truth is, science pulls mind-blowing finds out of its cavernous, all-knowing ass more or less every 15 minutes. Here are four amazing discoveries that just occurred while the rest of civilization was bingeing on Teen Mom and waffle tacos.

#4. NASA Finds the World's Longest Canyon Beneath Greenland

Even if you didn't sleep through your elementary school geography lessons, you probably have an inkling that Greenland is 75 percent covered in ice. But what you didn't know was that tucked underneath all that ice sits the longest canyon in the world.

J. Bamber, University Bristol
"Oh honey, size isn't everything. You're still 'grand' to me." -Grand Canyon's wife

Article

September 14, 2013

4 Ways Dennis Rodman Proved Reality Is a 1990s Sports Movie

By David Christopher Bell | 112,320 Views

Ex-NBA superstar/hobgoblin Dennis Rodman has been making the news lately because of his bizarre bromance with North Korean despot Kim Jong Un. (Said Rodman of his recent and second trip to visit his human-rights-violating buddy, "He's my friend for life ... I don't give a shit what people around the world think about him.")

Their friendship is strange, but if you examine the details, a much more frightening scenario emerges: Rodman's life is playing out like a real-life 1990s underdog sports flick, in the vein of The Mighty Ducks.

Gustavo Caballero/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

He's already in the process of trying to bang Joshua Jackson's mom.