We'd like to think that we know the ins and outs of our own homes pretty well. But as the following stories prove, you never know what mystical treasures you may find dwelling in your abode. And by "mystical treasures" we mean "R&B superstars" and/or "horrifying creatures waiting to feast on your flesh."
#4. A Crocodile
Guy Whittall, a former cricket captain, was staying at a lodge in Zimbabwe. He had a peaceful night's rest and woke the next morning as usual. It wasn't until he had already gotten out of bed and was in the kitchen when he heard a maid scream in alarm, alerting him that something was wrong.
When he went back into the bedroom, he saw that he had an unknown bunkmate the entire night:
Successfully fueling the nightmares of little kids and one-handed pirate captains everywhere.
Almost every other X-Files episode begins with some quiet hamlet getting plagued by a paranormal thingamabobber, at which point Scully, Mulder, and Scully's absolutely smashing 1990s fashion ensembles are sent to investigate. And if The X-Files were still on the air today, the following recent real-world happenings would inevitably be adapted for episodes. (And to add to the horror, the theme song would be remixed as dubstep.)
#4. A Hundred Elk Randomly Die, Bear Christmas Ensues
A single square mile of land just north of Las Vegas recently saw 100 elk simply stop being alive over a span of 24 hours. When we say "stop being alive," we mean this:
Casinos ... they don't fuck around.
Most of us are probably aware of people like Phoenix Jones, who dress up like superheroes and patrol the night looking for crime and/or collecting aggravated assault charges.
However, as several recent news stories have demonstrated, sometimes people put on superhero costumes with absolutely no intention of fighting crime and wind up saving the day anyway.
#4. Woman Dressed as Wonder Woman Is Attacked by Transient, Rescued by Guy Dressed as Superman
Last week, a man and a woman dressed up as Superman and Wonder Woman (respectively) were out on Hollywood Boulevard filming a segment for Jimmy Kimmel Live wherein they dumped buckets of water on a Polish tourist.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
As one does.
Maybe you were too focused on the crisis in Syria or Dennis Rodman's latest diplomatic mission, but as of late in our world of shitty news there has been a throng of stories of people running afoul of absolutely massive piles of butt fudge.
And it is our duty (hey-yo!) as responsible purveyors of sentences on the Internet to keep you informed of such matters. Here's a bracing squirt of news you will never, ever be able to use. We apologize if you never feel clean again.
#4. Disgruntled Man Fills Ex-Wife's Hot Tub With Gallons of Feces
Rene Daniel from Montreal had just been served divorce papers by his wife. Instead of trying to settle the matter like an adult or just move on with his life, he came up with a novel cure for his heartbreak: a poop cauldron.
We're pretty sure that's not what the "double, double" thing was referring to.