Coming up with the cover photo for a Christmas album isn't something you should overthink. Slap Santa or a tree on there and you're pretty much good to go. But these albums tried to do something different, and accidentally turned Christmas into a holiday of horrors.
#5. Nutcracker Suite
Our demographics skew heavily toward fans of 1960s easy listening music, so we're sure we don't have to tell you that Andre Kostelanetz was an orchestra conductor who pioneered the genre. And if you could explain to us why his Nutcracker Suite cover is so terrifying, we would be immensely grateful.
Why is a wolf-tiger hybrid groping its own tail while it plots to eat that girl? Why is a clown head sitting in a bush? Was the clown decapitated? If so, why'd he die with such a smile on his face? What part of the Nutcracker Suite was that in? Is that a log next to the clown head, or a slowly decomposing alligator? Why isn't the cold preserving its corpse? Has there always been this much snow in hell?
So many questions.
We're all aware that Santa Claus is based on the very real St. Nicholas of Myra, correct? He was a 5-foot-tall Greek guy with a broken nose, he lived in modern-day Turkey around A.D. 200 to 300 and he was renowned for his generosity, his kindness to children, and generally behaving like the reigning champion of a hobo bare-knuckle boxing league.
"I wish you a knuckle sandwich, and a happy throat-punch."
Good news, anyone reading this, the apocalypse is not upon us. Like so many times before, we bravely looked into the face of a date with some inconsequential bullshit "facts" tied to it and, somehow, did not succumb to a global wave of natural disasters and plagues. You should be nothing short of thrilled with those results. That is, of course, unless you're one of these idiots.
#5. The People Who Were Conned Into End Of The World Sex
The always reliable New York Post ran a piece recently about people who planned to spend the eve of our latest fake apocalypse trolling for people emotionally damaged enough to let their unfounded paranoia about the end of days manifest in a string of ill-advised sexual encounters. Or, as this sleaze puts it ...
"I will be looking for an end-of-the-world hook-up," Dennis Cintron, 29, a Lower East Side bartender, told The Post. "If you're going to go out, go out with a bang."
Nice pun, Dennis. Here's hoping all of that preying on the mental illness of others paid off handsomely last night.
The world is full of brilliant people, despite how often we try to convince you otherwise. However, some of these geniuses, rather than building machines that help crippled people walk, or bring dinosaurs back to life, are content to build machines that serve barely-definable functions to address nonexistent problems -- because that is how the Internet works.
#8. Paper-Ripping Machine
The Paper-Ripping Machine slowly tears a piece of paper in half with the turn of a crank, which is a mechanism typically limited to when we make fun of old people for how stupid cars used to be. The device utilizes a series of clasps and tethers, meaning you have to strap that piece of paper in like an astronaut before you can begin ripping it in half. You could split an entire ream of paper with a hacksaw in the amount of time it would take you to use this machine, which we hasten to note serves no conceivable purpose -- unless you are a paralyzingly arthritic old shithead who wants to show your grandson exactly what you think of that picture he drew for you.
"This isn't worth the effort to pin up, but it is worthy of heartbreakingly elaborate destruction."