Now that American movie theater attendance is at its lowest since the days of Waterworld and Judge Dredd (the one with Stallone), alphabetically labyrinthine home theater products like VOD on 4K 3D UHD TVs can finally reign supreme. The only decision you have to make is which assortment of letters will provide you with the best viewing of Hard Rain that money can buy.
To help, we sent a team to this year's Consumer Electronics Show to find the newest HD innovations in gaming, television, and heinous pornography. Our efforts found that the TVs of the future are less like a technographic wall of blinding progress and more like a Sisyphean mountain of eternal madness.
#5. For Starters, There's a Huge Chance Your New TV Will Be Obsolete in a Year
Back in the days when The Cosby Show hadn't been recontextualized as the opening credits sequence from Se7en, Americans got their entertainment on unspeakably heavy cathode ray tube (or CRT) televisions that received broadcasts using something called NTSC encoding. It was basically a way to streamline how video was recorded and aired by standardizing the format. In the rest of the world this format was called PAL or SECAM -- once again affirming the United States' desire to be its own special little island when it comes to standardized units.
"The Metric system is a fad." -America
Remember when the announcement of a new sequel to your favorite movie made you go, "Oh cool," instead of, "STOP MURDERING MY CHILDHOOD, YOU ASSHOLES"? We barely do either. The lesson has been learned by now that for every Godfather II, The Empire Strikes Back, or Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj, there are dozens of half-assed cash grabs by movie executives who see sequels as the path of least resistance to their next caviar-powered Bugatti.
And, as improbable as it sounds, it's about to get much worse. Proving that there's no franchise out there that Hollywood is unwilling to defile and befoul, here's what's being explosively shat out as we speak:
#5. The Rocky Spinoff About Apollo Creed's Grandson
If you absolutely must do a movie based on a non-Rocky character from the Rocky franchise, we'd personally recommend either a Clubber Lang or Ivan Drago origin prequel (or maybe a combination where they meet/fall in love/fight crime). MGM has other plans: they've already greenlit a spinoff about Apollo Creed ... 's pampered grandson. It's going to be called Creed, appropriately enough, and star Michael B. Jordan, who's already a seasoned veteran of ill-conceived franchise revamps.
FilmDistrict, United Artists
To be fair, the nipple resemblance is uncanny.
As we've mentioned in the past, good CGI in films requires the filmmakers to spend monster cash -- which is why the Jurassic World and Terminator Genisys trailers both look like Turkish porn parodies despite being made decades after their groundbreaking originals. If the studios were able to make CGI look convincing years before freaking The Mummy Returns came out, then goddammit they should be able to do so now too.
"By Jove, such farce warrants $433 million of our hard-earned lucre!" -the human race, 2001
And, to be fair, some movies have great CGI! However, even when the CGI is good (see the new Star Wars, Mad Max, or any graffiti-ridden Neill Blomkamp film), it still has to be used right. With that in mind, we've collected some of the more egregious computer-generated trends of 2014, such as ...
#4. Using Fake (as in Completely Digital) Blood
Fake blood has been the violent glue that holds storytelling together since the days of Shakespeare, and as movie makeup in general got better, so did the nose ketchup -- say what you will about Fight Club's manboob prosthetics, but that was some top-notch fake blood. And yet, at some point in the past decade, something very strange started to happen. Here's The Expendables 2:
Just watch this for 20 more minutes and you've pretty much seen the entire first act.
As the network Lifetime has insisted on learning over and over again during the last few years: Just because you can make a biopic of a beloved celebrity's life, doesn't mean you should. Especially when everyone in the world is begging you not to bother.
#5. Michael Bay Is Doing a Movie About Benghazi
Quick recap: on Sept. 11, 2012, a group of Islamic militants attacked the American embassy in Benghazi, Libya, killing four Americans stationed there. Since then, there has been controversy surrounding the government's handling of the aftermath, whether or not the Obama administration could have done more to prevent it, and, naturally, a whole slew of nuttier-than-squirrel-shit conspiracy theories.
Hue/amanaimagesRF/amana images/Getty Images
"Benghazi ... Ben ... Uncle Ben ... the White House controls us with rice!"