As you may have heard, 20th Century Fox is currently cooking up a grittier, younger reboot of The Fantastic Four, because that worked out so well with Spider-Man. Yeah, the fans aren't exactly optimistic about that one. It's a good thing, then, that there's already a kick-ass Fantastic Four movie out there -- and no, we don't mean one of the "Jessica Alba in a wig" ones. Come on, we're not crazy. We're talking about the one that was made in 1994 by the producer of Sharktopus and then never released.
Pretty sure Human Torch is wearing the same wig as Alba.
No, seriously. Now that we've got your attention, let's examine why the upcoming version will have a hard time measuring up to a 20-year-old movie that was made for no money, with no famous actors, and then instantly tossed in a trash can ...
#4. Why Were Each of These Movies Made?
The 2015 Version:
Very simple: because they have to. The rights to make Fantastic Four (and X-Men) films currently belong to 20th Century Fox, with the "Monkey's Paw"-esque catch that if they want to keep the rights they have to keep making more of them. Even if they suck. Hence, you know ...
20th Century Fox
Since when does The Thing have a beer belly, and where the hell are his freaking rings?
It's easy to get mad at Hollywood for showing us the same explosion-filled turds every year, but look at it this way: For every bad movie you see on the big screen, there are a hundred even worse ones that didn't make it. And the best part is, the reasons why they didn't make it are way more hilarious than the movies ever could have been.
We previously told you all about a bunch of movies that seemed destined for failure, but thankfully for us, Hollywood hasn't learned its lesson. Cruel fate and spectacular incompetence have once again teamed up in an unholy alliance to stop movies like ...
#5. Steve Jobs' Ghost Is Clearly Sabotaging His Third Biopic
Unfortunately for the serious-eyebrowed method actors of Hollywood, the moviegoing public has made it clear that they don't give one solitary monkey-slapping shit about the life story of the guy who gave them their iPods. Despite Ashton Kutcher's batshit dedication and surprisingly good performance, Jobs is ridiculous, while the intentionally ridiculous iSteve is just god-awful. Short of getting the exact same guys who did The Social Network, nothing could get people excited about a studio making another Steve Jobs movie.
So that's exactly what Sony decided to do.
Now we're talking! Who better than David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin to tell us the story of another arrogant, somewhat misogynistic blowhard whose products we use every day? And they even had Christian Bale on board as Jobs ... for like 15 minutes, before it all fell apart.
"I'm sorry, but my MySpace Tom dream project just opened up."
It's hard to believe now, but there was once a time when anonymously threatening to kill someone was hard work. Scaring victims required glue, scissors, countless magazines, stamps, envelopes, and more patience than most would-be murderers could muster. Just getting your death-threat supplies was exhausting if you weren't already a kindergarten teacher.
Today, claiming you're going to end the life of a fellow human being without actually putting your name on the threat is as simple as typing "ur ded" and hitting "enter." And thanks to such things as Gamergate, we're realizing that most of the people hitting "enter" will never face consequences for their threats. Here's why.
#4. Social Media Can't Get Rid of Them
Let's go through a typical online death-threat scenario: Person A exists and does regular human things, as humans often do. Person B gets offended by one of those activities and sends Person A a horrific message through Twitter or Facebook. Sometimes the messages look like this:
And sometimes they look like this:
"For not sportsing as well as you should have sportsed, you are hereby sentenced to death."
In their rush to push out an exciting new product or service, companies will occasionally overlook seemingly minor details that wind up being explosively offensive to a significant portion of the population, if not the entirety of planet Earth. Despite being honest mistakes with no malice intended, the vast majority of these public relations nightmares could have been avoided with a cursory Internet search (or anything above a kindergarten-level awareness of current events).
#5. A Publisher Puts a Porn Star on the Cover of a Math Textbook
The cover image on a school textbook is one of those things that nobody in the universe pays attention to, so it should come as no surprise that, when recently tasked with finding an appropriate picture to slap on the front of a math book, a Thai publishing house didn't exactly want to spend an entire afternoon on it. So, mustering all of the gumption of a college freshman doing research for a term paper, they apparently typed "Asian woman in classroom" into Google image search and went with the first picture that came up.
Of course, that picture ended up being a screenshot of Japanese porn star Mana Aoki from her film Costume Play Working Girl, taken moments before she tore her breasts free from their business-suit prison, because fate occasionally likes to play hilarious jokes on us.
Unbelievably, nobody at any stage of the book's production noticed this fantastic oversight, and the company shipped thousands of copies to different colleges before a helpful user on Twitter finally pointed out the mistake, to the disappointment of legions of college students expecting an illuminating textbook about sex math:
The answer to every problem is 69.