If you're one of those people who are worried that Hollywood has run out of ideas, fear not! We've diagrammed the next 10 years of movies for you, to demonstrate that the bigwigs out in Tinseltown are nowhere close to the bottom of their creative wells.
2012: A New Bourne Trilogy Begins (Just Like 10 Years Ago)
Back in 2002, America was a nation still reeling from the previous year's September 11 release of Nickelback's third studio album, Silver Side Up. It was the perfect environment for a popcorny espionage thriller like The Bourne Identity to make a killing at the box office, especially when it features Matt Damon riding a guy down a flight of stairs like a magic carpet.
A whole neeeww world!
Reading comprehension has sunk to such low levels that Facebook has started adding a "[satire]" tag to Onion articles just to make sure people don't mistake them for legitimate news ... the irony, of course, being that the Onion currently contains more truth than the "legitimate news" companies they mock.
So, until Facebook (and everyone else) creates a "[bullshit]" tag for every popular news site out there, we'll have to continue our ongoing mission to debunk the clearly fake stories they disseminate every week. Starting with ...
#6. A Dumb Criminal Did Not Ask Siri How to Hide a Body
Everyone loves a good dumb criminal story almost as much as they love a dumb "Florida man" story -- so when a man in Florida on trial for murder was outed for asking Siri how to hide a body, the news exploded like a John Woo film starring two Large Hadron Colliders. Sites like Business Insider, BuzzFeed, Mediaite, Yahoo, the Independent, IB Times, Huff Post, and Fox all got in on the carnage:
"Hey, Siri. What do snitches get?"
From the 1940s to the 1970s, civilization apparently gave up on traditional recipes and decided to be creative. And by "creative," we mean they labored under the philosophy that if you had but a few completely random ingredients in your cupboard, you were culturally obligated to combine them Frankenstein-style into a weeping pile of nightmare food.
We decided to have our brave researcher Evan test seven of these recipes from the "temporary insanity" era of cooking and see if he survived. (He did, as he doled the recipes out over a week of misery, instead of in one singularly fatal banquet of the damned.) Were these foodstuffs disgusting or simply misunderstood? Here were the results ...
#7. Ham and Bananas Hollandaise
Yes, this was actually a thing. Coming from McCall's Great American Recipe Card Collection of 1973, Ham and Bananas Hollandaise was a secret government project introduced to distract an innocent public with something worse than the oil embargo. To create this potassium horror, I sprinkled the helpless bananas with lemon juice, wrapped them in ham, smothered them in mustard, and baked the lot for 10 minutes, pausing only to douse them in viscous hollandaise.
If that oven could talk, it would be screaming right now.
The average movie marketing budget can now run studios anywhere from one half to four freaking times what they spent on the new [insert most recent reboot franchise here], officially redefining the "indie" market as any film that doesn't cost as much as an island fortress. So, since we recently introduced you to the most insane upcoming superhero movie possible in this or any other reality, we thought it might be fun to help make way for five other films that are just as crazy as anything Hollywood could dream up, but lack the marketing moola to get a McDonald's tie-in.
#5. The Death of Superman Lives: A Documentary About the Most Hilarious Cinematic Near-Miss
The '90s were a special time when our future Iron Man was seen as a drug-addled criminal and Batman Forever was what passed for an acceptable comic book adaptation. This was also the era in which the most hilariously disastrous film that never was brewed silently beneath Hollywood's surface like a questionable fart: Tim Burton/Nicolas Cage's Superman Lives.
You know. This thing:
"No, Tim. You don't get to avert your eyes. Look. Look at what you've done."