Quick Fixes


October 09, 2014

How to Fix 'The Walking Dead' in One Easy Step

By Adam Tod Brown, Megan Vance | 226,765 Views

While a spinoff of the highly successful series The Walking Dead has been rumored for years, it was finally confirmed when AMC recently ordered a pilot. Though the creators have released some vague tidbits on the cast of characters, they've been tight-lipped on the location, only stating that, while this series will be in the same post-apocalyptic universe (no way!), it will not be set in the same state as the companion series, which takes place in the most soul-crushingly boring part of Georgia imaginable.

Which is wherever these people are.

That sounds like a joke, because it is, but it's also completely true and a gigantic problem for this show. Starting out with their sights set on Atlanta was great, immediately giving up and fleeing to the woods to talk things out for eternity, at least from an entertainment standpoint, has turned out far less great, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. You can only hide so many places in rural Georgia, as it turns out, and most of those places are barns or abandoned houses.

Reminder: The kids on this show are the worst.


October 08, 2014

5 Reasons America Can Calm the F#@% Down About Ebola

WARNING: ANY OF YOU COULD DIE, AT ANY MOMENT. That's because you're a mortal being; that's how it works. But you're not going to die from Ebola.

By now you've seen the headlines -- Ebola is an exotic African disease that kills in a spectacular way (sometimes by making you bleed out of every orifice) and it has come to America. But before you get out your Bane-style air mask and Ebola hammer, you just might want to consider a few reasoned points. Namely, that this is all royal bullshit:

#5. You'd Have to Go Out of Your Way to Get It (and Would Still Probably Fail)

Go ahead and Google "how to avoid getting Ebola" and see what pops up. Chances are you'll stumble upon the CDC's Q&A outlining such life-changing preventative measures as "washing your hands" and "not touching corpses and bats."

saurabh24/iStock/Getty Images
Or corpses of bats, you sick weirdo.

Ebola is becoming the airplane disaster of contagions. The shock-and-awe value makes for television waves as huge and terrifying as tsunamis, but as infrequent as ... well ... tsunamis ... only way slower. If Ebola, measles, the common cold, and Spanish flu went toe-to-toe to see which spread the fastest, guess who wouldn't end up standing on the podium. The fucker isn't even airborne -- you could actually give a handjob to an Ebola victim and would probably live to tell about it so long as you washed your hands afterward.

saurabh24/iStock/Getty Images
"So, we gonna do this, you sick weirdo?"


October 07, 2014

7 News Stories That Would Be Awesome 'X-Files' Episodes

By David Christopher Bell | 299,407 Views

As we've previously discussed, the news has a habit of obliviously reporting stories that are clearly about ghosts, monsters, or other supernatural entities preparing to unleash their vengeance upon the world of the living, but dashing them off as run-of-the-mill news items, rather than the harbingers of doom that they obviously are. With Halloween just around the corner, there's no better time to take a look at some recent news stories that seem like X-Files cases Mulder and Scully never got a chance to investigate before that terrible second movie chased them out of paranormal detective work forever.

#7. Researchers Find a Shipwreck Where the Survivors Turned Cannibal

Back in 1845, the HMS Erebus and the HMS Terror went on an expedition into the arctic to collect data, and both ships became trapped in the ice and were never heard from again. This is a turn of events they perhaps should have seen coming after naming one of their goddamned boats the HMS goddamned Terror.

The actual novel about the Terror somehow failed to use this cover.


October 05, 2014

5 Dirty Tricks Apple Uses to Get You to Buy a New iPhone

By XJ Selman | 601,528 Views

Apple sold more than 10 million units of the iPhone 6 in only three days, which means that at least a few of you are reading this on your brand-new future phone. Congratulations! Also, whatever the opposite of congratulations is, because there's a good chance you might have been tricked into buying that thing when you absolutely didn't need it. Here are some of the ways Apple (and our own brains) are pulling a fast one on our pockets:

#5. Making You Think Your iPhone Gets Slower When a New One Comes Out

So a new iPhone is out and, as fancy as it looks, you say to yourself, "Do I really need to spend hundreds of dollars when my trusty old phone works perfectly well?" Then you start up said trusty phone and it takes like a minute to load the Facebook app, so you dump the piece of shit in the garbage and head for the nearest Apple Store.

Well, you're not the only one who's been there -- every time a new iPhone has launched, Google searches for "iPhone slow" shoot up like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction:

Google Trends/NY Times
The search keywords "old," "bloated," and "low-memory" are interchangeable between the two.