Good news, figure skating fans: The Winter Olympics are starting this week in the Russian city of Sochi! You can look forward to two weeks of people in tight jumpsuits spinning and sleds being used for things that would blow Charles Foster Kane's mind. Oh, and also, soul-killing clandestine bullshit.
See, all Olympics have unexpected horrors they don't want you to know about, but this being Russia, they just had to take it to another level.
#5. Sochi's Mayor Says the City Is Magically Gay-Free
The big controversy over the last several months leading up to the games has been Russia's anti-gay laws and fears that homosexual athletes and visitors would be harassed or even jailed while in the country. But that's all been smoothed over, right?
Olga Maltseva/AFP/Getty Images
We'd like to think the world is getting better at spotting Photoshop hoaxes -- even a well-constructed cut-and-paste job usually gets called out within a couple of days. You'd think that this would make dishonest folks think twice before, say, trying to pull off a hilariously bad Photoshop fake. But you'd be wrong, particularly if said folks are politicians.
Let us hope that they learn from our merciless mockery. Or, even better, let's hope they don't. That way, we'll continue to get shit like this ...
#4. Chinese Officials Photoshop Themselves Over Old Lady
How long did you stare at the above pic before moving your eyes down to read this sentence? Not long enough! Look at it again! Bathe in its majesty. Look at the tiny old woman! WE SAID LOOK AT HER. That photo was, incredibly, passed off as an actual photo of actual Chinese politicians visiting an elderly constituent.
As the children who grew up on daily doses of G.I. Joe and Ninja Turtles become the scientific leaders of today, it appears that our next batch of technological breakthroughs will fall squarely into the category of "cool things I saw a Saturday morning cartoon villain use." How else can you explain these recent events ...
#4. The Turkish PM Addressed a Crowd as a 10-Foot Hologram
Anyone who has taken a night class or seminar knows the basic "three Ps" of public speaking: preparation, practice, and project yourself as a 10-foot-tall haunted science apparition.
"Also picture your audience in their underwear that you made them soil."
Journalism is hard -- or rather, journalism was hard back when you had to actually go outside and talk to people in order to find out what's happening. The Internet has changed all that, thanks to the fact that, as we keep pointing out, every major news site has boiled down reporting to the same standards as your email-forwarding aunt. So let's quickly review the bullshit headlines you probably saw this week ...
#6. Sorry, Pixar Isn't Making a Star Wars Movie
Ever since Disney ate up Lucasfilm, the whole Internet (including us) has been busy speculating about possible Star Wars spinoffs -- and then they went and announced the one project we never saw coming:
John Ratzenberger CONFIRMED for Boba Fett.