Anyone who has gone within a 10-foot radius of a computer, a television, or another human being no doubt considers themselves "up to speed" on the situation currently exploding in Ferguson, Missouri, after police shot an unarmed black teenager named Michael Brown. And unsurprisingly, the media is so thick with bullshit that we've decided to cut it all down in one swinging arc to help you get your bearings. Here are all the latest and fakest news stories coming out of Ferguson.
#4. There Is Zero Doubt That Michael Brown Stole Cigars (Not That It Matters)
For every tragic event, there sprouts a litany of conspiracy theories by a substantial number of crazy people who were never meant to have access to the Internet. For example, people are already asserting that Michael Brown never stole those cigars to begin with -- their evidence being fuzzy security video on YouTube.
"Or lease, with option to smoke?"
Most of us have been online long enough to understand that emails are forever, which is why every work message requires sobriety and a triple check that you didn't accidentally type "F.U. HR" while requesting time off. So if you ever happen to send out an internal memo that is completely insane, know that it will inevitably be leaked to the public, who will laugh at your batshit missive until the sun burns out.
#4. Nike Dictates Random Child's Wardrobe
Last November, Florida State destroyed Miami with a 41-14 victory, proving once again that one part of Florida is better than another part of Florida. After the game, Florida State's coach, hilariously named Jimbo Fisher, greeted his 9-year-old son as the child ran onto the field and jumped into his arms, partly because they were happy, and partly because no one told Fisher and Fisher Jr. that they weren't living in a '90s sports movie.
"We saved the rec center/fixed the town's racial issues/learned to be a family again!"
Whenever there's a big, heavy, controversial world situation like the current Israel/Palestine conflict, you'll see two types of posts on your social media feeds: respectful, informed opinions and inflammatory, 90-percent-made-up crap posted by teenagers and/or idiots. Since the second kind of posts get way more traction than the first kind, the official propaganda channels for both Israel and Palestine have embraced the online stupidity -- thus giving birth to the era of state-sanctioned Facebook flame wars.
So the next time you see an extremely dumb meme about this very serious topic, bear in mind that there's a realistic chance that the actual governments for those countries came up with it. Don't believe us? Check out the stuff they (and their supporters) have come up with so far:
#4. Israel Has a War Room of Social Media Whiz Kids
Like it or unlike it, memes are the universal language of the 21st century. There's just something about the GIANT TEXT - PICTURE - GIANT TEXT template that speaks to our very souls, as if the meme format created an entirely new plane of existence that links us all at the lowest common denominator, like a communal shitting trench. And Israel knows this -- control the memes and you control the world -- which is why this war and all future wars will now have a scene such as this:
"Gentlemen, you can't troll in here! This is the Meme Room!"
This Week in WTF Pop Culture History: Waterworld teaches Hollywood how to make money off of big-budget garbage.
We don't know if you've noticed, but all at once, audiences have gotten sick of Hollywood's shit -- this summer's box office is down almost 20 percent, which is a shocking number considering ticket prices are higher than ever (including the absurd premium they still charge for 3D). No movie this year made $300 million in the USA, whereas last year Iron Man 3 did over $400 million (hell, in 2012, The Avengers did an astonishing $623 million). The conventional wisdom was that while audiences love to bitch about sequels, reboots, and CGI garbage, they'll still pay to go see it. But we're finally seeing the bubble burst.
In America, anyway. What does this have to do with Waterworld? Allow us to explain.