The midseason premiere of The Walking Dead just hit, and honestly, it looks like they're making some changes for the better. It is a completely different animal than anyone was expecting, which, for a show that relies so heavily on doing the exact same thing season after season, is something fans should be pretty excited about.
But that's just one episode. There are certain recurring plot devices that The Walking Dead continuously rehashes to the point that they are now starting to reek more than the zombies that occasionally appear on the show. If this season of The Walking Dead wants to continue being surprising and exciting, it needs to avoid the following storytelling crutches it's been leaning on since Rick stumbled out of that hospital five years ago.
#5. A Character Always Struggles to Accept That Zombies Aren't People
In a show about people turning into zombies, it's expected that we will see the plot point of a character grappling with the thought of killing a zombified loved one. That's, like, the first box you check for Zombie Movie Bingo. But season after season, the writers keep dragging out this trope and pretending it's a brand-new plot development.
We're not even sure what season this is from.
Anybody who's ever dealt with a delivery has had at least one order go awry. Maybe you wanted pepperoni on your pizza and instead got anchovies, or maybe that Fleshlight you sent away for arrived with the fun part tragically sealed up. Mistakes happen, is what we're saying.
But some delivery boo-boos have consequences that can't be fixed by yelling at someone on the phone and getting a refund -- you know, stuff like traumatizing hundreds of kids or accidentally helping fund ISIS. The next time you get your neighbor's phone bill by mistake, be glad it was just that and not something like ...
#4. Summer School Accidentally Sends 100 Porn DVDs to Children
Over the summer, hundreds of students took part in Edinburgh Playhouse's summer stage sessions, learning valuable lessons about stage premise, enunciation, and what the fuck Cats is actually about. In December, the school sent out DVDs that were supposed to contain pictures and video of the kids' experiences and performances there. What the children actually got, however, was less Kinky Boots and more kinky everything. As in, they fucking sent porn to kids -- directly to kids, since the DVDs were specifically addressed to them, not their parents.
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"What was the name of the camp again?"
It's finally happened. That thing that we've been worrying about since the show aired its first season way back in 2011. Game of Thrones has now run out of books to adapt.
Once again, we did warn you.
The trailer for Season 5 just had its unofficial premiere a few days ago via leaked footage from the recent IMAX screening of two of last season's episodes. It's clear from the snippets in the trailer that this season is going all the way through the final existing book, A Dance With Dragons. The new season won't even have any of Bran, the only character in a major television series to spend most of his screen time riding in a basket on the back of a learning-disabled giant (Hodor, the aforementioned giant, will also be missing). Why? Because they've already filmed everything George R.R. Martin has ever written about those two characters. So, if you're a fan of the show, anxious to see what happens to Bran beyond The Wall ... too bad. You'll have to wait until next year, when the showrunners will have to start writing the show scripts based on Martin's rough plan, rather than his fully fleshed-out books.
"Uh, 80 percent of this script is just the word 'tits.'"
Usually when we worry about kids getting pushed into adulthood, we're talking about the obvious stuff like too much sex on TV and the fact that children are literally starting puberty earlier than ever holy shit you guys.
But in the following, recent tales of woe, it was dumbass adults themselves who inflicted the horrors of grownupdom on kids, thus proving yet again, for the millionth time, that adults are the worst.
#5. Police Arrest a 9-Year-Old for Failing to Appear in Court
If reruns of Law & Order have taught us anything, it's that you do not miss a court date. If you get a summons to appear before a judge, your ass better show up or Detective Stabler will be out looking to kick said ass within minutes.
And nowhere is this truer that the town of Post Falls, Idaho, population 30,000. It's unsurprising you have never heard of that town before, considering they apparently have no murders or rapes or robberies to deal with. The town's roaring population also explains why a 9-year-old child was arrested for stealing a pack of gum and, somehow, a warrant for his arrest was put out when he failed to appear in court.
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"I've got fruit stripes upon my shoulders."