On the eve of Ghostbusters' 30th anniversary, an entire generation raised on muon traps and ecto-chargers were collectively laid out by the following mega-news:
According to the original director himself, there will in fact be a third Ghostbusters film. But before everyone releases their simultaneous wails of joy/anger, there's probably something you all need to know: It's never going to happen.
#5. It's Been "Confirmed" So ... Many ... Times
"But it's been confirmed!" you cry wholeheartedly into your monitors. It's true, we're not talking about some nameless "studio insider" or a random blogger here; this is Ivan Fucking Reitman saying that the next Ghostbusters film will be undergoing production next year. How could someone from the original films possibly be wrong?
Last week, a softcore Nazi anime porn card game called Barbarossa debuted on Kickstarter, because some maniac courageously dared to ask "What if the Germans had invaded the Soviet Union with breasts instead of tanks?"
Yes, that's what will defeat the Russian winter this time around. Less clothes.
The game is "set in a fictional Second World War setting in which cute German military girls rush against Moscow to defeat the evil magician Stalin." Basically, it's a reimagining of World War II if everyone involved was an absurdly sexualized anime girl. Also, you play as the Nazis. Here's Hitler (dubbed "Li'l Fuhrer," because historical context so often takes the fun right out of desperate erections):
"Mein kampf is trying to squeeze into this top."
Getting your house robbed may suck balls, but you can always take solace in the fact that while a thief took all of your precious shit, at least they left behind the important things, like sanity and reassurance that you live in a rational world. That isn't always the case.
What we're saying is this: The next time you come home to some dude with a pantyhose face bagging your Blu-ray player, shake his hand -- because at least you aren't coming home to something inexplicable, like ...
#4. A Plus-Size Orgy
We know what you're wondering: Do we mean "plus-size orgy" as in an orgy with a lot of guests or an orgy solely composed of plus-size people?
In the case of Manhattan resident Ari Teman, we actually mean both. Teman used Airbnb, a popular website that lets people rent out their apartment via a system of referrals and ratings. So when Teman saw a man named David with good renter reviews looking for a place to host his relatives for a family wedding, he probably figured it was a safe bet. What he didn't know was that David was the organizer of this delightful event:
Orgy Etiquette: If you're going to hold one at someone's home, it's polite to invite them.
The world is so filled with actual human grotesqueries to sort through that the news really shouldn't have to make shit up -- and yet here we are. Unfortunately for the news-savvy (but fortunately for our infinity-part series), there's nothing the media love more than a story that seems too good to be true ... because it isn't. And so, here is the very latest in primo bullshit that someone stamped "news" and sent through the Internet chute.
#4. FOX Didn't Censor the "Only" Mention of Evolution on Cosmos
Here's a little something to stretch your indignant scoff muscles: