Generally speaking, the more intricate the plot of a specific movie, the more opportunity there is for its subsequent sequels to riddle that plot with gaping holes. As Hollywood continues its five-star rampage of sequels, the flood of crossover plotlines and convoluted flashbacks has officially waterlogged the cash-addled brains of screenwriters everywhere, resulting in at least five recent blockbuster follow-ups that accidentally made their predecessors make no sense.
#5. Peter Parker's Dad Really Loves Hide-and-Seek
Ironically, what is easily the least offensive scene in The Amazing Spider-Man 2 also happens to create the strangest plot hole in recent memory. Let's go back to the beginning of the first Amazing Spider-Man (aka "the first second attempt at a Spider-Man origin story"), when we see a young Peter Parker playing a spirited game of hide-and-seek with his dad ...
... only to find his dad's office ransacked, setting in motion the wheels of a sinister conspiracy:
"Uh, they didn't take Mom and Dad's disk marked 'Family Videos,' did they?"
From extinct gingers to mouth-pissing Aussie hooligans, the Internet is like an exuberantly complex Willy Wonka-style factory of lies -- river of brown included. Our job, not unlike the Oompa Loompas', is to drop that mic after laying out the harsh truths and popping the humanoid blueberry of media hyperbole. Which is our fancy way of saying: Hey, here's the fake news you fell for this week.
#6. Smartphones Aren't Making Restaurant Service Slower
Those gosh darn millennials with their car mustaches and dang wine cozies, all tanning off their ever-present smartphones instead of socially interacting with each other -- they are just the worst. And sure, while this has literally been said about every new generation since the dawn of media, it looks like we've finally found that smoking gun:
So close this article and fucking finish that meal.
By this point in the game, complaining about Hollywood's hard-on for reboots is so old hat that Hollywood probably has a reboot of your reboot complaints in the works. It takes particularly boneheaded details to warrant making fun of remakes anymore.
Luckily for us, the people behind these upcoming reboots have risen to the challenge.
#5. They're Inexplicably Rebooting Men in Black
Hey, you guys remember how awesome Men in Black was? How it struck a great balance between action, comedy, and (b)romance, like a sci-fi version of The Princess Bride? And you remember how, despite the fact that the movie ended in a way that perfectly wrapped up the story, you wanted them to remake the same movie, only with new people? Congratulations, all four of you are getting your wish! It turns out the cocaine pile at Sony Pictures was getting a bit small and they decided to give the MIB franchise a fresh take by redoing one-third of a series that isn't even old enough to buy cigarettes yet.
20th Century Fox, nikkytok/iStock/Getty Images
Independence Day is already on two packs a day, unfiltered, sadly.
Guardians of the Galaxy is a $170 million sci-fi action-comedy based on a comic book starring a bunch of D-list superheroes nobody gave a shit about five years ago. It's directed by James Gunn, a former Troma screenwriter best known for low-budget gorefests like Slither and Super. Two of Guardians' main characters are a talking tree and raccoon. And if this wasn't a Marvel Studios movie, Guardians would've been exiled to the Stygian wastelands of February, along with Jupiter Ascending and Texas Chainsaw Massacre $17: The Budget Is the Title. In short, it's incredible that Guardians was made.
Several Cracked writers checked out Guardians earlier this week. It's fun in that way Marvel films are, but it has the DNA of a B-movie, albeit a B-movie that Marvel has been daintily shepherding into the public consciousness for the past two years, like a Faberge egg wrapped in a tortilla of angel's laughter.
"Clap harder, you fool. The Disney snipers are watching."