Quick Fixes

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October 29, 2014

6 Hilarious New Costumes That Fail to Cash in on New Movies

By Jason Iannone | 272,182 Views

Very rarely do you come across a Halloween costume that's actually scary -- most range from hilariously bad to terribly inappropriate to just terrible. Some people simply want to dress up like a sexy fax machine or whatever else inspires zero erections 99.75 percent of the year.

Others prefer to pay homage to their favorite cinematic characters, making the holiday less a spooky celebration of the macabre and more like cosplay with candy. But if you can make your Hollywood-inspired costume at home, then do so, because what the stores offer is often crafted by complete psychopaths.

#6. Mr. Peabody & Sherman Makes an Easy Costume Horrifying

Mr. Peabody's pet human, Sherman, is a happy child, which is likely what DreamWorks' official Cambodian sweatshop had in mind when designing his costume. Unfortunately, the final result looks like something we'd instinctively bash with a shovel if it ever graced our doorstep:


He's not carrying a bag because your soul is immaterial, and that's the only treat he's taking.

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October 28, 2014

4 Horrifying Facts About the Sexy Halloween Costume Industry

By Kathy Benjamin | 589,008 Views

In an ad that was recently pulled from YouTube for the crime of being shitty, Subway reminded women everywhere that their ONLY option for a Halloween costume is "sexy version of literally any noun in the English language."

Subway
The people that thought this up wear helmets as part of their normal day.

Unless they plan on spending hours making costumes from scratch, ladies are given no choice but to dress up like they're brainstorming a character for the Erotic Wrestling Federation. Which is fine if you want to go to a party as Sexy Hermione, but what if you just want to be plain old Hermione? Will the aggressive sexualization of the most fun holiday of the year ever end?

Nope. The problem has become so systemic that it just perpetuates itself with minimal (and counterintuitive) input from us, like some kind of insane robot.

#4. Halloween Is Designed to Screw Over Women

First of all, Halloween is sexualized for women, period. Even if the "women" in question are barely out of diapers. For example, here are a few not-at-all uncommon costumes for girls who are still in elementary school, which you may remember as the time of your life when you consumed nothing but juice and boogers and still believed one or two of your favorite cartoon characters were real people:

partycity.com
If you see a toddler in that outfit please let a real cop know.

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October 26, 2014

Red Bull's Class Action Lawsuit and 6 Other Internet Lies

By David Christopher Bell | 337,912 Views

Right now, 65 percent of Americans are scared shitless that they'll get Ebola. Or 40 percent, or 19 percent, depending on which bullshit poll you're paying attention to -- geez, it's almost as if the news is blatantly exaggerating this situation just for clicks! But the Fourth Estate would never sink so low, right?

Actually, it already has. As our infinity-part series continues to point out, certain news sites remain at a steady 100 percent in terms of being completely up their own asses. That's how everyone you know ends up sharing bogus headlines like ...

#7. Science Didn't Just Create a Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak

A couple times a year, news sites will start dusting off their best Harry Potter references to announce that, finally, science has discovered the key to total invisibility. Of course, it's always bull- HOLY SHIT THEY DID IT! THEY REALLY DID IT THIS TIME!

syracuse.com

theguardian.com
"Eat shit, magic!" -Science

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October 24, 2014

5 Ways Terrible Human Beings Are Profiting From Ebola

By John Mulroy | 236,422 Views

With Ebola panic hitting the international media with the intensity of a hundred celebrity nip-slips, people around the world have naturally started asking themselves questions like, "Is my family safe from Ebola?" and, "How can I ride this flood of diseased body fluids until I'm filthy rich?"

We've already talked about how Ebola probably isn't going to take off in America, but it turns out we're already infected with a much more widespread virus: shameless opportunism. That's why we're seeing Ebola-related commercial ventures like ...

#5. Cam'ron Is Selling His Official Anti-Ebola Mask

Cam'ron is a rapper best known for hating the letter "E" and "Hey Ma," which is the greatest mediocre rap song of all time. Anyway, last week Mr. 'ron took that e-hatred to its logical extreme when he started selling an anti-Ebola mask that he created.

Instagram
"And be sure to get my Cam'ron Con'doms for those STDs, too."