There are a thousand things that can go wrong at any moment and torpedo an entire movie production. Sometimes the actor playing Jesus gets struck by lightning, or a nearly mummified Han Solo breaks his leg on an angry door that was surely possessed by the ghost of Greedo. And other times you need strangers on an Internet comedy site to tell you when to throw in the towel on your unwatchable boondoggle.
#6. Jem and the Holograms Is a No-Budget Sausagefest
If you're not familiar with Jem and the Holograms, it's basically Hannah Montana, if Hannah Montana owned a supercomputer that could alter the laws of reality. As with 99 percent of the '80s, it was created by Hasbro as a Saturday morning cartoon.
Also as with 99 percent of the '80s, it was executive produced by cocaine.
You may have heard the recent big news that Apple bought Beats Music for billions of dollars, which illustrates the growing trend of gigantic corporations trying to squeeze into a spot on the burgeoning streaming music scene. (The Beats deal has also fueled conspiracy theories that Dr. Dre is a sleeper agent in Suge Knight's long-simmering scheme to roll Apple into Death Row Records.)
But here's something you may not realize: The advent of music streaming is essentially a plague on the industry, a cutpurse on the level of Napster. The increasing popularity of music streaming services is almost guaranteeing that, 10 years from now, there will only be five or six bands left who can afford to keep making music, and they are the five or six bands that you are already tired of hearing.
#5. YouTube Is Bullying Indie Labels Into Getting Their Way, or They're Gone
For most of us on the Internet, the music we stream comes entirely from YouTube, because it's easier than signing up for a music streaming service and nobody wants to admit to paying full price for "Tarzan Boy." Google wants to take advantage of that, because as they have spent the past year taking great pains to demonstrate to us, ruining YouTube is at the very top of their list of priorities.
"Man, all of YouTube's showing that drunken tadpole movie again."
There are so many bullshit stories being passed off as real on the Internet that we could fill 25 entire articles with examples -- in fact, we just did. Ten months after we began our crusade for truth, it appears that at least one other website has taken to sifting out the turds of the Web ... albeit using our exact same title model while doing it. We don't mind. After all, gospel is meant to be shared.
With that in mind, it looks like we have roughly another 2,100 more months of this until the entire Internet is a utopia of accountability, so let's get moving!
#6. That "Man Fights Shark" GoPro Video Is So Fake
Sharks are nature's reminder that while mankind may have spawned from the ocean, that's pretty much the extent of the courtesy, lest we are torn limb from limb by giant mouth bullets. Similarly, these swimming sarlacc pits are as good a reason as any not to go anywhere near Australia, as highlighted by a recent viral video reported by Mashable, Huffington Post, Epoch Times, MSN, NY Post, and Time:
We live in a golden age of television. Never before have we had so much quality programming, or so many different ways to view it while sitting on the toilet. However, the things we like so much about the current state of television are actually strangling our favorite shows to death like Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds.
#4. Our Favorite Shows Get Terrible Ratings Because We Don't Watch Them When They Air
The business model that drives the creation of the shows we like is fairly straightforward: A network pays to make a show, and then we pay them back by watching the commercials attached to the show. It's basic, but it's an arrangement that's worked since your grandparents bought their first TV with the meager wages they earned after working impossible hours at the steel mill. So why do demonstrably popular shows like 30 Rock and Community struggle so hard?
Because they're demonstrably popular only in our elitist echo chamber?