Now that Hollywood has exhausted every possible gritty reimagining of all our comic book heroes, they've turned to the world of childhood fairy tales for "new" material. And we'd almost forgive them for it if it wasn't for the fact that every studio is hitting the exact same beats with every retelling.
#4. They're All "Dark Reimaginings" of the Original Story
Most fairy tales started out as horror stories intended to terrify children into good behavior, so there's something kind of poetic about Disney and company exploring the darker sides of the stories that they once, well, Disneyfied. That being said, what's the fun in making fairy tales too dark for the people they were originally intended for -- kids?
"Alice's Insane Asylum play set comes with everything seen here. Shock treatment kit sold separately."
Nowadays, product placement is so ubiquitous that we barely even notice it anymore. For example, Man of Steel broke records with its 100-plus product tie-ins (or roughly 1 per every 50 civilian deaths accidentally caused by Superman).
But every once in a while, audiences are blessed with corporate synergy so idiotic and baffling that it threatens to derail the entire plot. Here are four product placements from 2013 that crashed through the fourth wall like a wrecking ball.
#4. Ghost in the Shell Forces Cyborgs to Use Microsoft Tablets
Ghost in the Shell is a popular Japanese manga and anime series about crime-stopping cyborgs. So to promote the latest Ghost in the Shell movie, Microsoft teamed up with animators to toss some newfangled Surface tablets into the film. Microsoft even made a short cartoon touting the Surface as the most cyberpunk doodad around.
The only problem? The movie takes place in 2027, so characters end up inexplicably using tablet computers from 2013.
Congratulations, you are the most unbelievable thing in an anime.
Right now, the football-loving world is mired in debate over the team name of the Washington Redskins, which the Oneida Indian Nation feels is offensive to Native Americans, possibly because "redskin" happens to be a racial slur against Native Americans.
And while we aren't here to take sides, we are more than happy to point out several other bizarrely dehumanizing team mascots from high schools around the country, as naming your team after an animal or a mythical creature is apparently too fucking hard for a sizable chunk of the population.
#5. The Laurel Hill Hoboes
We get it, advertisers. We live in a world where you're competing with regular porn, crazy porn, and porn so weird, it was only invented five minutes ago, so you're fighting tooth and nail for every pair of eyes you can get on your product. And sometimes this means putting wacky and rushed ad campaigns out there ... which is great for us, because then we get to make fun of more stuff!
#4. Father's Day Ad Promotes Incest, Cross-Dressing
If you've ever presented your dad with a boneheaded gift, take heart, because there's no way you screwed up as hard as a Stockholm mall did this year for Father's Day. Instead of promoting the usual ties and cheap do-it-yourself furniture as gifts, consumers were presented with this inexplicable option:
Perfect if your dad is Prince.