Apple sold more than 10 million units of the iPhone 6 in only three days, which means that at least a few of you are reading this on your brand-new future phone. Congratulations! Also, whatever the opposite of congratulations is, because there's a good chance you might have been tricked into buying that thing when you absolutely didn't need it. Here are some of the ways Apple (and our own brains) are pulling a fast one on our pockets:
#5. Making You Think Your iPhone Gets Slower When a New One Comes Out
So a new iPhone is out and, as fancy as it looks, you say to yourself, "Do I really need to spend hundreds of dollars when my trusty old phone works perfectly well?" Then you start up said trusty phone and it takes like a minute to load the Facebook app, so you dump the piece of shit in the garbage and head for the nearest Apple Store.
Well, you're not the only one who's been there -- every time a new iPhone has launched, Google searches for "iPhone slow" shoot up like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction:
Google Trends/NY Times
The search keywords "old," "bloated," and "low-memory" are interchangeable between the two.
In one very confusing week last month, the Internet watched a single news story evolve from "Emma Watson threatened by 4chan" to "4chan impersonated by marketing firm" to "marketing firm turns out to be a bunch of spammers" -- making the entire ordeal a hoax of a hoax, and reality as we know it a buckling farce.
So what is real? Are we even real? It's hard to say anymore, which is why we've once again cobbled together a helpful guide on what in the news of the last few weeks was a big fat lie. Starting with ...
#6. That Three Boobs Lady Has Two Boobs, Is a Liar
Here's a picture that you've probably seen a few times by now, and that you'll continue to see as a thumbnail on spammy sites for the rest of your life: the woman with three boobs.
Who apparently murdered someone in her shower moments before this picture was taken.
As the average fast food chain patron dwindles closer to the grave, so do companies like McDonald's and Red Lobster as they reach out to the neglectful millennial generation busy lining up at their favorite local burrito joint: Chipotle.
In those final grasps for cash, a few restaurants have launched desperate, disgusting campaigns to get people in the door. Unless you've completely given up on your body and don't mind screaming in horror at everything that comes out of it, you might want to avoid these deals.
#4. Taco Bell Offering Free Food for Life, Doesn't Expect You to Live Very Long Eating Taco Bell
While other fast food chains tried to win over a health-conscious audience with promises of organic and locally sourced ingredients, Taco Bell was too busy reaching into the eternal pit of sadness to bring us a maple-and-cheese-caked waffle filled with egg chunks and ambiguous meat.
Don't look away; that's how it knows you're scared of it.
One of the most important parts of a successful horror movie is the villain. What would Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and Halloween be without Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers? Horror movies without credible villains tend to be instant garbage, like The Happening, in which the bad guys are trees and M. Night Shyamalan.
Unfortunately, Hollywood apparently no longer has any idea what's scary, because for this year's horror movie season they're just flinging shit at the wall to see what sticks. Just take a look at these upcoming films and try to force yourself to be afraid (SPOILER: You cannot).
#4. Ouija -- An Actual Ouija Board
Hey, what's the best way to freak out a room full of kids under the age of 15? A Ouija board! The only problem is, once you figure out how they work, Ouija boards lose pretty much all of their appeal. It turns out that a bunch of people subconsciously tugging on a piece of plastic just isn't all that bone-chilling.
"Jeff will die from severe horse-dickening, so speak the spirits."
"Fuck you guys."