The trailer for the upcoming Mad Max reboot, Mad Max: Fury Road, recently exploded onto the Internet like the angry specter of Mel Gibson's pre-'90s career. Fans of the series have expressed worry that this new film could go the way of Red Dawn and Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit by simultaneously being hideously awful and making us all mournfully aware of our age.
But it seems like those fears may be unwarranted -- according to all the information we've gathered about the production, Mad Max: Fury Road may likely be the biggest dose of jackfuck lunacy ever captured on film, which is exactly what Mad Max fans would want.
#4. The Writer/Director Is Clearly a Maniac
When making a remake or reboot it is always a good idea to have a writer or director who knows the series well and actually cares about things like characters and story structure. For example, when they rebooted the James Bond series back in 2006, the task was given to Martin Campbell, the man who directed the fan-favorite GoldenEye 11 years before. On the other hand, under no circumstances should you call George Lucas for any reason during your reboot, as he has damaged every series he has touched since the O.J. Simpson trial.
His cameo in Beverly Hills Cop 3 is very aptly named.
As the new Michael-Bay-produced TMNT film wafts across the nation, aging nerds everywhere have already lit funeral pyres for their childhoods at the sight of an auburn-haired April O'Neil adventuring alongside wisecracking reptile fetuses. Clearly, this movie encroaches upon the sanctity of the 1980s series and its many cherished storylines, such as the time Raphael left his girlfriend for dead in the middle of the ocean, or that episode where the Turtles eye-banged the shit out of April and stalked her at a party.
Okay, maybe the '80s cartoon was a little touched. At least we still have the comic books to nostalgically contain our innocence, right?
"Uh, no one hand him any coins."
Generally speaking, the more intricate the plot of a specific movie, the more opportunity there is for its subsequent sequels to riddle that plot with gaping holes. As Hollywood continues its five-star rampage of sequels, the flood of crossover plotlines and convoluted flashbacks has officially waterlogged the cash-addled brains of screenwriters everywhere, resulting in at least five recent blockbuster follow-ups that accidentally made their predecessors make no sense.
#5. Peter Parker's Dad Really Loves Hide-and-Seek
Ironically, what is easily the least offensive scene in The Amazing Spider-Man 2 also happens to create the strangest plot hole in recent memory. Let's go back to the beginning of the first Amazing Spider-Man (aka "the first second attempt at a Spider-Man origin story"), when we see a young Peter Parker playing a spirited game of hide-and-seek with his dad ...
... only to find his dad's office ransacked, setting in motion the wheels of a sinister conspiracy:
"Uh, they didn't take Mom and Dad's disk marked 'Family Videos,' did they?"
From extinct gingers to mouth-pissing Aussie hooligans, the Internet is like an exuberantly complex Willy Wonka-style factory of lies -- river of brown included. Our job, not unlike the Oompa Loompas', is to drop that mic after laying out the harsh truths and popping the humanoid blueberry of media hyperbole. Which is our fancy way of saying: Hey, here's the fake news you fell for this week.
#6. Smartphones Aren't Making Restaurant Service Slower
Those gosh darn millennials with their car mustaches and dang wine cozies, all tanning off their ever-present smartphones instead of socially interacting with each other -- they are just the worst. And sure, while this has literally been said about every new generation since the dawn of media, it looks like we've finally found that smoking gun:
So close this article and fucking finish that meal.