In an isolated and mobile modern world, meeting people ain't easy, especially if you happen to be one creepy-ass motherfucker. In that case, technology has likely always been your friend, but in addition to the standard stalking techniques, there are all kinds of new ways to find love for people who are lonely and receive scores of at least 30 on the psychopathy checklist. Such as ...
#4. Jerk Off a Stranger in Another City Through the Magic of the Internet
For those who are unfamiliar with the concept of teledildonics and somehow can't infer its meaning from that crowning achievement in nomenclature (which we swear we didn't just make up), a quick explanation: they're sex toys that can be controlled remotely from potentially huge distances. Ain't nothin' wrong with that -- long-distance relationships are increasingly common in today's society, and people have needs. But what if you're single and you still want someone else directing your jerk-off sessions for some reason? That's where LovePalz (literally) comes in.
Now that it's the holidays, there's a 99 percent chance that 100 percent of the Earth's population is on planes traveling to grandma's house at this moment, give or take a few percentage points for error. We all do it, and we all hate it. Whether it's the endless delays, the constant battles for legroom, or the airline food and, specifically, what the hell its deal is, the simple fact is that people rank flying through the air on par with standing in line at the DMV, an activity that itself is only marginally more pleasant than having rusty razor wire inserted into your urethra.
Luckily, there are people who are working tirelessly to make air travel slightly more bearable. Unluckily, despite their good intentions, many of these efforts are distressingly misguided.
#4. Restaurant-Style Tables Force You to Look at Other Travelers
Thomson Airways, the third-largest airline in Britain, apparently feels that what's really missing from air travel is the atmosphere of a Waffle House, if a Waffle House could plummet to the Earth and kill everyone in a fiery display of carnage and death. Which is why they're proposing family-style tables for families who just aren't getting enough family time on the ground.
"Can I sit in the window seat, dad?"
"I didn't buy you a tablet because I wanted to hear you talk, son."
Thanksgiving is around the corner, and large swaths of the United States are hunkering down for terrible dinners. But no matter how badly your harvest potluck ends up, trust that it will be nowhere as bad as the following meals prepared by Cracked writer/Martha Stewart of the damned Evan Symon.
With the season of culinary excess upon us, we asked Evan to once again subject his intestines to real (and disgusting) vintage recipes from the 1940s to the 1970s. Behold his toilet cornucopia!
#6. Super Supper Salad Loaf
In the 1940s, the United States was rationing for the war effort, leaving the home front with a limited supply of foodstuffs to cobble together into recipes. Now, imagine you are a G.I. on Christmas leave. After island-hopping around the Pacific for the last year, you arrive home, only to have this waiting for you:
"I escaped a POW camp for this?"
Depending on whom you ask, Interstellar is a [genius/horrible] film from an [acclaimed/overrated] director who [is the next/could never live up to] Stanley Kubrick. For someone who basically just adapts his dream journal into silly action films, Christopher Nolan is one of the most polarizing and over-analyzed directors of the decade.
It's almost as if the idea of a big-budget sci-fi blockbuster that actually explores science fiction (and not the tensile strength of giant CGI robots) has thrown us all off, and we have no idea how to react to it. The bizarre result is that, no matter what genre of movie Nolan puts out, the Internet goes Joker-level crazy over it in the same exact ways.
#5. Every Critic Immediately Transforms Into a Terrible Version of Cracked
Look, we get it -- Cracked's charming nitpicky movie lists are a fun format blanket for critics to slip into, like Luke warming himself in a tauntaun (which, incidentally, according to Newton's law of cooling, wouldn't actually work). Every time Nolan releases a marginally thought-provoking movie (he tends to present a bunch of ideas without ever actually exploring them to a satisfying degree), everyone feels the need to prove how much smarter they are than the material, like a group of teenagers acting tough in a haunted house. The result is a cascade of "plot hole" lists so nitpicky that even we take issue.
An Inception of nitpicking if you will.