The hip hop industry is a brutal game. Two or three years can be a lifetime in a rap career, and sooner or later most artists find themselves attaching their names to the most ridiculous shit imaginable (see: Vanilla Ice, cheese noodles) just to avoid having to get real jobs. It can be pretty difficult to locate your principles when doing a commercial for Hot Pockets or Burger King is the only thing standing between you and an entry-level position at Walmart.
#4. Bow Wow and Michael Vick Want to Sell You Hair Products
Last week it was announced that Bow Wow will be teaming up with occasional NFL quarterback Michael Vick to bring the world WaveMasterz, a new line of exciting hair products including durags, brushes, and pomade. We feel this is a particularly fabulous idea considering that, up to this point, neither of their respective careers have had anything to do with hair care in any way. There is also the constant danger that Vick might be thrown into a violent flashback by Bow Wow's nickname and drown him in a pit in his backyard.
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It's the Like Mike reboot only Satan asked for.
For some of us, the childhood board game Mouse Trap was a fun excuse to build a nonsensical Rube Goldberg machine. But for the following poor souls, the 37 circuitous steps it took to win Mouse Trap didn't have nearly enough firearms and near-death experiences.
Confused? You'll see what we mean in a minute.
#5. Man Solves Icicle Problem ... With Bullets
In yet another tale of freezing temperatures transforming Americans into maniacs, an 80-year-old man in Kane County, Illinois, had to figure out some way to knock off the icicles hanging on his house. (After all, ice doesn't just disappear by means of some borderline mystical chemical reaction.)
Upon realizing that threatening to loudly and laboriously recap the events of 1957 wouldn't dissuade the icicles, he was left with but one option: shooting them off with a handgun.
"I was told we were at war with Christmas. Was ... was I wrong?"
As you may have noticed, today is the last day of the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. As we bid adieu to this dystopian Potemkin village where political protesters get whipped in the street, let's reminisce about all those goings-on that were not awarded medals. Here's Cracked's unofficial medal roundup. (And if any winners would like an actual medal, we'll be happy to make you one out of puffy paint and macaroni.)
#4. Individual "Hulk Smash"
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To be fair, most of the things you touch in Sochi will do this.
BRONZE: What looks like a still from Leonidas v. Leonidas is actually a moment from a preliminary hockey match, with Andreas Nodl of Austria using Norway's Jonas Holos to shatter a pane of glass. We assume the glass shards were later consumed by the competitors as a post-game snack.
SILVER: A few weeks back, American bobsledder Johnny Quinn found himself locked inside his bathroom after a shower (which is one of the more pleasant stories reported about Sochi hotels). Unfortunately for the door, a man who bench presses 450 pounds is never trapped anywhere, and he simply Shining-ed his way through the door ... using his bare hands.
Meanwhile, you still have a hard time with revolving doors.
As you may remember, the 1989 film Back to the Future Part II saw Marty McFly and Doc Brown travel to the distant year of 2015, a year filthy with cyborgs and self-lacing sneakers. And a few days ago, Nike announced that they will market said shoes next year, which is smashing news for those of you who have yet to figure out Velcro.
But how far along are the other technological marvels as depicted in Back to the Future Part II's 2015? Well, a scan of the latest headlines is not heartening. If the following innovations don't come to pass in the next 300 days, we'll have to seriously rethink our company policy that all movies are nonfiction.
Hoverboards are the best part of the Back to the Future films, for the sole reason that they're so much fun, they'll erase the trauma of being sexually propositioned by one's own mother days earlier.