So 1999 has come and gone, and Prince's party directives, much like Prince himself, have been rendered obsolete. The problem is: now that "I'm gonna party like it's 1999" sounds like some gibberish your demented grandpa would spout, how do we party ahead of our time? Luckily, a few forward-thinking (and possibly time-traveling) folks have already come up with revolutionary gizmos that might give us glimpse into the epic throw downs of the future.
And sure, these inventions might make you look completely ridiculous today, but such is the price of progress. One day, everyone will get shitfaced using stuff like ...
#4. Get Any Drink Ever With an Instant Alcohol Machine
It's frankly a disgrace that, in the year 2015, people still have to compete for the attention of a harried, overworked booze jockey to get a drink more complicated than "beer" or "beer with Coke" -- and even that might be too complex for some of us. Those days are about to end. Finally answering the age-old conundrum of "how can I decrease the amount of time it takes for alcohol to enter my face," a Kickstarter was launched to fund Somabar, an automated countertop bartender named for an ancient Persian ritualistic drink (and hopefully not the LSD drug from Brave New World that slowly kills you).
You simply plop different types of booze into the canisters, tell the machine what drink you want, and voila! Enjoy your perfectly mixed Long Slow Comfortable Screw Against the Wall. Or, you know, whatever disturbingly-named concoction you requested.
Hopefully, that little hole is a speaker through which it tells you you're not sad for drinking alone.
You've probably already heard that intensely likeable news anchor and perpetual Guy Smiley impersonator Brian Williams has spent the last 12 years telling a whopper about his coverage of the Iraq war. Like that kid who insisted that at his old school he was able to swing AROUND the cross bar on the swingset, you just had to be there to see him do it, Williams has done the journalistic equivalent with a war anecdote.
The story went like this: In 2003, Williams was covering the U.S. invasion of Iraq, when something went wrong. In the first version of the story, he told The Nightly News that the helicopter in front of him in his entourage was shot down by a rocket-launched grenade.
Ten years later, the story was different -- he was IN the helicopter that was shot down. On Jan. 30, Williams retold the new and improved version of his date with a grenade at a tribute to a veteran. The next day this happened:
For single people, this is a hard time of year, and not in the good way. Seeing all those happy couples makes you just want to beat them over the head with an industrial-sized dildo, but you can't, because that's probably a brand-new crime that they haven't even named yet, so they would name it after you. You can, however, do the next-best thing and beat yourself with that dildo -- there's nothing wrong with loving yourself, even (especially) in the biblical sense.
Except when there is. Sometimes there very, very much is, particularly when science decides that the whole curing cancer thing is a total snoozefest and that coming up with inventive new ways to whack off is where it's at. The resulting marriage between the highest and lowest technologies is a union you wouldn't call holy, unless you were referring to actual holes.
#5. Teddy Love: The Teddy Bear That Loves Back (With Oral Sex)
It used to be common sense that, if you're into fucking teddy bears, that is strictly between you and the poor sack of cotton whose innocence you've defiled. That's clearly not the stance of the terrifying brains behind Teddy Love, the world's first toy bear that gets covered in bodily fluids by design, not by accident.
"And me in 10 levels of hell."
Better Call Saul made TV history last Sunday by becoming the highest rated cable series debut ever, presumably because of the hundreds of millions of Mr. Show fans who set the entertainment industry's agenda every day. And it wasn't just humans that were excited for Saul, but corporations as well.
Less sticky too.