Quick Fixes


October 03, 2014

6 BS News Stories That Went Viral: The Girl With Three Boobs

By David Christopher Bell | 496,940 Views

In one very confusing week last month, the Internet watched a single news story evolve from "Emma Watson threatened by 4chan" to "4chan impersonated by marketing firm" to "marketing firm turns out to be a bunch of spammers" -- making the entire ordeal a hoax of a hoax, and reality as we know it a buckling farce.

So what is real? Are we even real? It's hard to say anymore, which is why we've once again cobbled together a helpful guide on what in the news of the last few weeks was a big fat lie. Starting with ...

#6. That Three Boobs Lady Has Two Boobs, Is a Liar

Here's a picture that you've probably seen a few times by now, and that you'll continue to see as a thumbnail on spammy sites for the rest of your life: the woman with three boobs.



Who apparently murdered someone in her shower moments before this picture was taken.


October 01, 2014

4 New Fast Food Deals (For People Who Hate Themselves)

By David Christopher Bell | 385,550 Views

As the average fast food chain patron dwindles closer to the grave, so do companies like McDonald's and Red Lobster as they reach out to the neglectful millennial generation busy lining up at their favorite local burrito joint: Chipotle.

In those final grasps for cash, a few restaurants have launched desperate, disgusting campaigns to get people in the door. Unless you've completely given up on your body and don't mind screaming in horror at everything that comes out of it, you might want to avoid these deals.

#4. Taco Bell Offering Free Food for Life, Doesn't Expect You to Live Very Long Eating Taco Bell

While other fast food chains tried to win over a health-conscious audience with promises of organic and locally sourced ingredients, Taco Bell was too busy reaching into the eternal pit of sadness to bring us a maple-and-cheese-caked waffle filled with egg chunks and ambiguous meat.

Don't look away; that's how it knows you're scared of it.


September 30, 2014

4 Ridiculous Monsters Who Are Getting Their Own Horror Films

By M. Asher Cantrell | 435,462 Views

One of the most important parts of a successful horror movie is the villain. What would Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and Halloween be without Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers? Horror movies without credible villains tend to be instant garbage, like The Happening, in which the bad guys are trees and M. Night Shyamalan.

Unfortunately, Hollywood apparently no longer has any idea what's scary, because for this year's horror movie season they're just flinging shit at the wall to see what sticks. Just take a look at these upcoming films and try to force yourself to be afraid (SPOILER: You cannot).

#4. Ouija -- An Actual Ouija Board

Hey, what's the best way to freak out a room full of kids under the age of 15? A Ouija board! The only problem is, once you figure out how they work, Ouija boards lose pretty much all of their appeal. It turns out that a bunch of people subconsciously tugging on a piece of plastic just isn't all that bone-chilling.

Universal Studios
"Jeff will die from severe horse-dickening, so speak the spirits."
"Fuck you guys."


September 27, 2014

5 Companies Whose Ad Campaigns Just Backfired Horrifically

By Adam Wears | 433,711 Views

Hey, remember when American Apparel's official Tumblr tried to celebrate the 4th of July with a picture of some nice fireworks but accidentally posted a photo of the Challenger explosion instead? Which didn't even happen in July. Can you imagine if every company was that dumb?

Well, you don't have to imagine! In this era of large corporations putting their entire online reputation in the hands of whichever intern can remember the Twitter password, "stumbling ass backwards into controversy" is the rule, not the exception. In fact, here are five such screw-ups from the past few months:

#5. Zara Sells Pajamas That Resemble Concentration Camp Clothing

You'd think that it'd be difficult to mess up designing clothes meant for drooling idiots in darkened rooms, but the geniuses over at Zara have mastered it. After deciding to add some toddler PJs to the lineup and presumably going back and forth on what would be the absolute cutest design, Zara settled on little sheriff outfits. The problem? Apparently, when looking for inspiration they slightly misspelled "Western movies" and accidentally typed "Holocaust documentaries."

Zara, news965.com
"Uh -- damn dyslexia."