Quick Fixes

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January 11, 2015

5 Insane Ways Famous Movies Are Bleeding Into Reality

By Jim Avery | 331,096 Views

We go to the movies to see things that could never, ever happen in real life, like Seth Rogen and James Franco's bromance leading to an international incident with North Ko- whoops.

It turns out The Interview isn't the only movie plot that has come true recently, which probably means that the walls of reality are starting to come down as the end of the universe approaches. That, or God is an unoriginal hack who stole the plot for all of the following events:

#5. Geniuses Are Worried About the Machine Uprising

Sci-fi writers have been warning us about the day the robots will kill us all since way before we even had robots, and it's a genre that's still going strong. The recent trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron, for example, shows us how dangerous artificial intelligence can be when it starts recognizing metaphors in Disney songs. The upcoming Terminator: Genisys provides yet another post-apocalyptic future and a valid reason for why the machines would want to kill us (our terrible spelling).

But nobody really takes this AI takeover idea seriously, right? Just a few crazy people, like billionaire inventor/Tony Stark inspiration Elon Musk. In November, a website accidentally posted a private comment by Musk in which he sounds rather alarmed about our future (or lack thereof). The post was deleted, but still found its way onto Reddit.

Elon Musk
Where it was downvoted by dozens of totally real people, not killbots.

Article

January 09, 2015

4 Bullshit Tech Products You'll Hate in 2015

By Robert Evans | 329,805 Views

This year Cracked sent a team of journalists, including me, to the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. For the uninitiated: CES is where the world's major gadget-makers come to show off the phones, televisions, vehicles, audio equipment, and "smart" devices they plan to sell over the next year. CES is a great place to get a sneak peek at the future, but it's also the world's largest repository of useless bullshit technology no one ever asked for. If you want to know what stupid, stupid ideas the tech industry plans to sell us in the future, you've got to go to CES.

We've put together a list of the terrible tech trends you can look forward to in 2015. Don't say we didn't warn you when companies start ...

#4. Weighing Useful Products Down With Bullshit Technology

Y'know what sucks about dogs? No, not the fact that they sometimes get into the garbage, poop on your floor, and die more frequently than NBC sitcoms. The problem with dogs is that they get lost sometimes, and very few of them speak English well enough to hail a cab. That's why we've invented a galaxy of GPS-enabled dog collars, wonderfully useful products that have saved countless pet owners untold stress and pain.

Motorola took one look at this successful, practical product category and said, "Well sure, but wouldn't it be better if we just gave every dog its own smartphone?"

No, I'm not joking. The below product is Motorola's Scout 500, and it's a digital dog collar. The PR person who tried to sell it to us described it as "a smartphone for dogs." It comes with a camera (so you can watch the world through your dog's eyes, but in color), a GPS app, and -- most terrifyingly -- a speaker, so you can yell at your dog from a great distance.


YOU: Hey boy! How's it going?
YOUR DOG: Woof! (Translation: MASTER WHY MUST YOU SCREAM FROM ACROSS THE VOID MY LIFE IS FEAR)

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January 07, 2015

5 Celebrities Who Are Publicly Losing Their Minds on Twitter

By Chris Radomile | 392,670 Views

There used to be a time when celebrities had a human wall of assistants, publicists, and literal wall-fillers who had no other job than to buffer their clients from the world. But then Twitter happened, and now no publicist in the universe can stop a drunk, bored, attention-starved human from exorcising their dumbest thought-demons at the click of a button. Which is why we're seeing some great comedy coming from non-comedians on Twitter.

#5. Football Player Can't Stop Being a Creep

Arizona Cardinals defensive end Darnell Dockett is not afraid to speak his mind on social media, such as the time he posted a racist tweet and then promised he wouldn't apologize for it.

twitter.com/ddockett

twitter.com/ddockett
"Man's got to have principles ... shitty ones, but still ..."

Article

January 06, 2015

5 Conspiracy Theories So Stupid They're Genius

By Adam Wears | 463,446 Views

The X-Files ruined an entire generation: they made us think conspiracy theorists are sexy, tormented truth crusaders, as opposed to bored message board dwellers with cartoon pony avatars. Fortunately, every once in a while they'll come up with a theory so perfectly stupid that we just have to drop whatever we're doing and tell you about it. Here are five recent paranoid fantasies that would make Fox Mulder laugh his ass off while slowly backing away from whoever spouted them.

#5. "Apple Pay Is the Mark of the Beast!"

Over the last decade, Apple has acquired a legion of new followers, a success that many place on their clever marketing, innovative products, and not being Microsoft. Others argue that it's only because Lucifer has bewitched our minds and rendered us unable to buy anything not available on iTunes. The evidence of this satanic pact? The fact that the Apple Watch and Apple Pay were totally predicted by the Bible.

Geoffrey Grider
And then Christ did say, "Not another freaking iOS update, I just did one last week." (Giuseppe 17:6)