Just as when televisions threatened the matinee back in the 1950s, on-demand streaming technology from places like Netflix and YouPorn are causing the powers who trade in overpriced popcorn to get a wee bit jumpy. Sixty years ago, some theater owners reacted to the outside threat to their livelihoods by unleashing a wave of insane gimmicks, like vibrating "Tingler" seats and mock "so scary you might die!" insurance policies. But we'd never resort to that level of desperate, publicity-seeking shamelessness nowadays, right?
#5. They Want Phones to Be Socially Acceptable in Theaters
Wonderful. Just when society evolved to the point where most people realize that talking on a cellphone during a movie is a supremely shitty thing to do, now they're going to actually encourage us to use our mobile devices in the theater? People have been shot and killed for that.
The shooter was arrested, but only because he had also been using his phone during the movie.
Ever since the interconnected films of Marvel Studios started raking in more money than most of the nations of the world, every studio in Hollywood has been frantically looking for suitable candidates to develop their own cinematic universes.
Some of these seem like logical fits, such as the upcoming DC Universe and the impending cornucopia of Star Wars spinoffs. Then there are the following atrocities, which make about as much sense as an interconnected series of films about all the different Pop-Tart flavors.
#4. Good News, Everybody! They're Making More Twilight!
Twilight is a classic horror franchise, in the sense that part of the definition of "classic" is "it made a bunch of money a few years ago but is no longer culturally relevant." However, Hollywood isn't about to let this cash cow about a relationship more frightening than any of the actual monsters go to its grave just because they've already filmed all of the source material, so they've cast some black-magic spell to bind us all to a sprawling new universe of Twilight short films set to debut on the Internet.
Which is honestly further than this franchise should have gotten, talent- and effort-wise.
A few months ago, we implored Hollywood to take a little money from their "diamond straws for snorting cocaine" budget and use it to hire better poster designers, please. Unfortunately, not only have movie posters managed to get even worse since then, but the TV industry has started commissioning their promotional art from the same 12-year-olds who just learned how to use MS Paint, too.
At this rate, by the end of the year, the lobby of your local cinema is gonna be covered with stick figures and blank sheets of paper ... which would still be an improvement from posters like these:
#9. The Lottery is About Eating Baby Feet
So your show is called The Lottery. How do communicate to potential viewers that the plot is more exciting than "a lady draws numbers from a fishbowl and reads them out loud?" We don't know the answer to this conundrum, but we're confident that it's not "disembodied baby feet":
Warner Bros. Television
That's right, cannibals. You're next.
Did you hear? The pope has officially declared evolution and the big bang theory to be real! It's a huge, world-changing news story about something no pope has ever done before ... except for Pope Benedict XVI, Pope John Paul II, and even Pope Pius XII back in the goddamn '50s. Yeah. Turns out that's just a thing the Vatican has been down with for a long time, so why all the hubbub?
If we had to guess, the hype probably has something to do with our forever-part series about the media eating its own dick when it comes to minutiae like "fact-checking" and "being the news." Strap in everyone, because the bullshit merry-go-round has begun ...
#6. Listening to Beyonce Doesn't Make You Stupid
The beauty of any dubious Facebook-prone pop culture "study" is that they are satisfying enough to validate people's already-established opinions while inconsequential enough for nobody to actually fact-check. For example, you might have seen the following headline shared across the social media profiles of your brightest, most mature, least annoying friends:
"It's cool. I- uh, actually have Beyonce friends."