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October 10, 2014

5 Conspiracy Theories That Are So Dumb They're Brilliant

By Adam Wears | 591,592 Views

It would be nice to live in a world where there's no such thing as random tragedy and where every terrible event could be linked back to a villainous puppet master via a chain of subtle but obvious clues. We don't, though. Luckily, there is a fiercely insane contingent of people who are convinced that everything is a conspiracy, and reading their hilariously daffy theories about the exhausting web of deceit hiding behind recent events can occasionally make our indiscriminately destructive existence more bearable. Here are five of the most ridiculous examples.

#5. "The Ice Bucket Challenge Is a Satanic Baptism Ritual!"

The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge obnoxiously dominated everyone's social media feeds for the entire summer, but it's hard to find fault with something that helped gather over $100 million for medical research. Unless you're a crazy person on the Internet, in which case the fault is obvious -- all the people you saw dumping cold water on their heads were actually baptizing themselves into Lucifer's infernal doom army.

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If there's one way to honor the Lord of Hell, it's with buckets of ice-cold water.

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October 09, 2014

How to Fix 'The Walking Dead' in One Easy Step

By Adam Tod Brown, Megan Vance | 220,205 Views

While a spinoff of the highly successful series The Walking Dead has been rumored for years, it was finally confirmed when AMC recently ordered a pilot. Though the creators have released some vague tidbits on the cast of characters, they've been tight-lipped on the location, only stating that, while this series will be in the same post-apocalyptic universe (no way!), it will not be set in the same state as the companion series, which takes place in the most soul-crushingly boring part of Georgia imaginable.

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Which is wherever these people are.

That sounds like a joke, because it is, but it's also completely true and a gigantic problem for this show. Starting out with their sights set on Atlanta was great, immediately giving up and fleeing to the woods to talk things out for eternity, at least from an entertainment standpoint, has turned out far less great, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. You can only hide so many places in rural Georgia, as it turns out, and most of those places are barns or abandoned houses.

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Reminder: The kids on this show are the worst.

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October 08, 2014

5 Reasons America Can Calm the F#@% Down About Ebola

WARNING: ANY OF YOU COULD DIE, AT ANY MOMENT. That's because you're a mortal being; that's how it works. But you're not going to die from Ebola.

By now you've seen the headlines -- Ebola is an exotic African disease that kills in a spectacular way (sometimes by making you bleed out of every orifice) and it has come to America. But before you get out your Bane-style air mask and Ebola hammer, you just might want to consider a few reasoned points. Namely, that this is all royal bullshit:

#5. You'd Have to Go Out of Your Way to Get It (and Would Still Probably Fail)

Go ahead and Google "how to avoid getting Ebola" and see what pops up. Chances are you'll stumble upon the CDC's Q&A outlining such life-changing preventative measures as "washing your hands" and "not touching corpses and bats."

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Or corpses of bats, you sick weirdo.

Ebola is becoming the airplane disaster of contagions. The shock-and-awe value makes for television waves as huge and terrifying as tsunamis, but as infrequent as ... well ... tsunamis ... only way slower. If Ebola, measles, the common cold, and Spanish flu went toe-to-toe to see which spread the fastest, guess who wouldn't end up standing on the podium. The fucker isn't even airborne -- you could actually give a handjob to an Ebola victim and would probably live to tell about it so long as you washed your hands afterward.

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"So, we gonna do this, you sick weirdo?"

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October 07, 2014

7 News Stories That Would Be Awesome 'X-Files' Episodes

By David Christopher Bell | 294,651 Views

As we've previously discussed, the news has a habit of obliviously reporting stories that are clearly about ghosts, monsters, or other supernatural entities preparing to unleash their vengeance upon the world of the living, but dashing them off as run-of-the-mill news items, rather than the harbingers of doom that they obviously are. With Halloween just around the corner, there's no better time to take a look at some recent news stories that seem like X-Files cases Mulder and Scully never got a chance to investigate before that terrible second movie chased them out of paranormal detective work forever.

#7. Researchers Find a Shipwreck Where the Survivors Turned Cannibal

Back in 1845, the HMS Erebus and the HMS Terror went on an expedition into the arctic to collect data, and both ships became trapped in the ice and were never heard from again. This is a turn of events they perhaps should have seen coming after naming one of their goddamned boats the HMS goddamned Terror.


The actual novel about the Terror somehow failed to use this cover.