Unless your best friend is your mom and you want to be an apple when you grow up, you probably don't read the comic book adventures of Archie, that immortal everyteen with crosshatching tattooed on the side of his skull. In fact, you might only recognize Archie from The Simpsons.
There's a reason for this. Like early Justin Bieber, Archie presents an idealized version of teenage life that is in no way intended for actual teenagers. Archie is trapped in a G-rated eternal puberty, unencumbered by temptations like Four Loko and dodgy pop-up ads advertising lonely South Ossetian housewives in your oblast. The guy's spent almost 73 years entirely unaware he has a penis. His comics are as inoffensive and uncontroversial as possible -- well, most of the time.
There was that time Archie and the gang got super into Jesus.
Recently, the Internet exploded over a Kickstarter campaign devoted to making potato salad, and when we say "exploded," we mean "contributed over 50,000 godforsaken dollars" to the fundraiser. Apparently there's a decent number of people out there who think burning their parents' money is either a genius form of artistic expression or some kind of amazing joke that only they get.
Those people are wrong, of course. While contributors thought they were participating in a quirky meta joke, they were really fueling their own egos as they clamored to belong to the coolest, newest, most misunderstood club on the block. How do we know? Look at who lined up at the door.
#4. Narcissists Contribute to Dumb Kickstarter Campaigns to Get Attention
Karaoke is both universally hated and universally popular because our egos are greater than our intolerance for watching drunken people throat-wail the Offspring while waiting for the mic. We can't all be rock stars, but we really like pretending we are. Similarly, we can't all come up with some hip new Internet phenomenon, but we can fund one while desperately waving our hands in the air, like this guy, who pledged $10,000 to the potato salad campaign.
"Mom, you can just call me to voice your disappointment with my life choices."
Four Cracked staffers recently went to see Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. After drinking and talking about it for several hours, we came to one conclusion: We were going to need more drinks. Once we finished those, we came to another conclusion: Acting is no longer just an actor's craft. It's become a special effect.
This isn't necessarily a bad thing -- unless you're overly attached to the ancient craft of cinema as it's traditionally understood, like we are -- but it's pretty clear that Dawn's apes are doing to acting what Terminator 2's liquid metal robot did to practical effects like models, puppets, and guys blowing off mannequins' heads with shotguns. Don't believe us? Then how come ...
#4. Actors Are Interchangeable Now (in Their Own Film)
Robert Evans: When I heard John Goodman was taking on a role in Transformers 4, I was excited, because every whisper of Goodman activity sends an almost (OK, entirely) sexual thrill down my spine. The actual performance was just ... bizarre, though. The tone of his voice almost never matched the actual tone of the scene, or the voices of other characters in the scene.
How do you even make a robot cigar?
This won't take but a minute, and I promise this won't be a waste of your time. It's three steps ...Step 1: Get out a pen and paper. You don't need much, an old receipt or something. Write down, in just a few words, what you did yesterday. Leave out the sleeping, eating, pooping, etc. And be totally honest, nobody is going to see it but you. So maybe it's something like:
8 am - 5 pm: working
5 pm - 7 pm: browsing the Internet, catching up with everybody on facebook, masturbating
8 pm - 9 pm: talking on phone with a friend
9 pm - midnight: playing an iPhone game, scrolling through Netflix menus
Perfect, you're half done. If you want to stop and take a break, enjoy this animated gif: