Last night's Academy Awards ceremony invited 35+ million viewers to watch in wonderment as a bunch of millionaires cracked self-aware jokes about how exclusive and aloof they are while doing nothing to amend their behavior, as well as verbally congratulating themselves for braving an abominable 50-degree downpour during a time when the rest of the country is being crushed beneath an arctic hellscape.
Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
But hey, at least we got to see Clint Eastwood's "I have no idea who Kanye West is" face.
Over the years, we at Cracked have come down hard on people who argue against vaccinating children. In our minds, the case for protecting babies from diseases that were practically wiped out years ago is as open and shut as a festering smallpox wound.
On the other hand, the only way to understand the opposition is to put yourself in their locally-sourced, chi-neutral Birkenstocks long enough to make sense of their logic. And the messy truth is that we're ALL capable of making the same kinds of stupid reasoning jumps when pulled in the right wrong direction.
#4. Conspiracies Are How We Justify Tragedy and Confusion
It's easy to believe that anti-vaxxers are just tinfoil-hat-wearers plunking conspiracy narratives while waiting in line to drill their own brains Pi a la mode style, but the truth is a little less cut and dry than that. Human beings are actually so adept at forming bullshit patterns behind omnipresent randomness that scientists created a word for it: "apophenia." It's basically just what we said: finding structure in the structureless. Combine that with how devastatingly hard it is to comprehend that random acts of violence are, in fact, random -- and suddenly we start forming "false flag" operations about every national tragedy that comes along.
Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
"Of course they'd rig it so the Patriots beat Pete Carroll. How else would they suppress the truth."
By now, every possible combination of the words "Jon Stewart," "Brian Williams," and "fake news" has been turned into a joke by news sites -- who are seemingly unaware of the rich irony in those same sites reacting to these events in the typical hyperbolic, often hypocritical fashion we've come to expect.
So, here we are, yet again, with six stories that prove Internet news has not lost its charming habit of being 10 times worse than any embellishing anchorman.
#6. Please Stop Reporting "Measles Parties" (Before They Actually Start Happening)
Anti-vaxxers (the ironically futuristic-sounding name for people who oppose the basic science of vaccines) have such an astounding combination of gullibility and privilege that it's almost majestic to watch them speak. This aggressive ignorance is why, in the midst of a measles outbreak, it's important for the media to keep calm and avoid giving the Jenny McCarthys of the world more ammunition. Like, for example:
... or real.
You may have noticed that the cinematic adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey -- a Fear Street novel about knots -- made money hand over butt plug this past weekend. And recently, I've been watching the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer over and over in my darkened apartment like it's the Zapruder film. Not because I'm excited to see the film -- I'm not excited to see the film -- but rather that the film's hype, marketing, and message has beckoned me back to the forgotten time of 1997.
A pre-Internet-porn time, when this excitement would have made sense.