Quick Fixes


October 07, 2014

7 News Stories That Would Be Awesome 'X-Files' Episodes

By David Christopher Bell | 292,445 Views

As we've previously discussed, the news has a habit of obliviously reporting stories that are clearly about ghosts, monsters, or other supernatural entities preparing to unleash their vengeance upon the world of the living, but dashing them off as run-of-the-mill news items, rather than the harbingers of doom that they obviously are. With Halloween just around the corner, there's no better time to take a look at some recent news stories that seem like X-Files cases Mulder and Scully never got a chance to investigate before that terrible second movie chased them out of paranormal detective work forever.

#7. Researchers Find a Shipwreck Where the Survivors Turned Cannibal

Back in 1845, the HMS Erebus and the HMS Terror went on an expedition into the arctic to collect data, and both ships became trapped in the ice and were never heard from again. This is a turn of events they perhaps should have seen coming after naming one of their goddamned boats the HMS goddamned Terror.

The actual novel about the Terror somehow failed to use this cover.


October 05, 2014

5 Dirty Tricks Apple Uses to Get You to Buy a New iPhone

By XJ Selman | 569,203 Views

Apple sold more than 10 million units of the iPhone 6 in only three days, which means that at least a few of you are reading this on your brand-new future phone. Congratulations! Also, whatever the opposite of congratulations is, because there's a good chance you might have been tricked into buying that thing when you absolutely didn't need it. Here are some of the ways Apple (and our own brains) are pulling a fast one on our pockets:

#5. Making You Think Your iPhone Gets Slower When a New One Comes Out

So a new iPhone is out and, as fancy as it looks, you say to yourself, "Do I really need to spend hundreds of dollars when my trusty old phone works perfectly well?" Then you start up said trusty phone and it takes like a minute to load the Facebook app, so you dump the piece of shit in the garbage and head for the nearest Apple Store.

Well, you're not the only one who's been there -- every time a new iPhone has launched, Google searches for "iPhone slow" shoot up like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction:

Google Trends/NY Times
The search keywords "old," "bloated," and "low-memory" are interchangeable between the two.


October 03, 2014

6 BS News Stories That Went Viral: The Girl With Three Boobs

By David Christopher Bell | 495,147 Views

In one very confusing week last month, the Internet watched a single news story evolve from "Emma Watson threatened by 4chan" to "4chan impersonated by marketing firm" to "marketing firm turns out to be a bunch of spammers" -- making the entire ordeal a hoax of a hoax, and reality as we know it a buckling farce.

So what is real? Are we even real? It's hard to say anymore, which is why we've once again cobbled together a helpful guide on what in the news of the last few weeks was a big fat lie. Starting with ...

#6. That Three Boobs Lady Has Two Boobs, Is a Liar

Here's a picture that you've probably seen a few times by now, and that you'll continue to see as a thumbnail on spammy sites for the rest of your life: the woman with three boobs.



Who apparently murdered someone in her shower moments before this picture was taken.


October 01, 2014

4 New Fast Food Deals (For People Who Hate Themselves)

By David Christopher Bell | 384,460 Views

As the average fast food chain patron dwindles closer to the grave, so do companies like McDonald's and Red Lobster as they reach out to the neglectful millennial generation busy lining up at their favorite local burrito joint: Chipotle.

In those final grasps for cash, a few restaurants have launched desperate, disgusting campaigns to get people in the door. Unless you've completely given up on your body and don't mind screaming in horror at everything that comes out of it, you might want to avoid these deals.

#4. Taco Bell Offering Free Food for Life, Doesn't Expect You to Live Very Long Eating Taco Bell

While other fast food chains tried to win over a health-conscious audience with promises of organic and locally sourced ingredients, Taco Bell was too busy reaching into the eternal pit of sadness to bring us a maple-and-cheese-caked waffle filled with egg chunks and ambiguous meat.

Don't look away; that's how it knows you're scared of it.