Let's face it, animals -- if you aren't a shark, bear, wolf, lion, alligator, crocodile, anaconda, cougar, tiger, Komodo dragon, barracuda, cobra, tarantula, tsetse fly, tapeworm, leech, or Portuguese man o' war, chances are us humans will let down our guard and yap at you in silly voices like Doctor Goddamn Dolittle.
But let us not forget -- "wildlife" is called "wildlife" because it's wild, brah. So with that in mind, here are five recent reminders that most, if not all, multicellular organisms would be happier if all humans were dead so they could lick the minerals from our sun-bleached bones.
#5. Peacock Is Too Powerful for Taser
Peacocks are beautiful animals, even if they are competing with the great tit for the naughtiest avian name out there. But a Houston man saw a dark side of the bird when his pet 'cock Meanie grew increasingly hostile toward human women.
"Hey, toots, how about we smush our cloacae together? Yeah, I've been drinking since noon. What's it to you?"
We have some good news and bad news, Internet: The good news is that April Fool's Day is over, so you don't have to be on the lookout for hilariously fake stories being passed off as truth. The bad news is that (as we've established over and over) for the media every day is April Fool's Day now, so forget what we said about not being on the lookout -- or just let us pick out the latest viral turds for you:
#4. Nope, a Teenager Didn't Save the Government $400 Million by Changing Fonts
Every now and then the world is blessed with a viral headline so nonsensical that it sounds like the dying words of a stroke victim. Such is the case with this completely unquestioned story being passed from CNN to Fox, Huffington Post, and CBS:
"Government to teen: If you say Comic Sans, you're going to Gitmo."
Most movies depict impostors as sly, Talented Mr. Ripley-style masterminds whose charisma and wits surpass their victims' tenfold. Hollywood drills into us that identity theft requires genius and countless hours of planning. It's not like any random jackass can just show up, pretend to be someone else, and fool everyone without making any effort, right?
The following four impostors -- two of whom are underage, and all of whom are spectacularly half-assed -- say otherwise.
#4. Teen Claims to Be Walmart Manager, Walks Off With $30,000
For most people, getting fired from a Walmart is a bittersweet moment -- bitter because you've lost a means of income, and sweet because you don't work at Walmart anymore. For one 17-year-old from Oklahoma, it was an opportunity to show up at another Walmart in his old uniform, go to work at the register, and walk off with $3,000. Noticing that nobody even questioned who he was, he dared to dream bigger: He went to a second Walmart, claimed to be "a manager from another store," and asked to "inspect" their money.
The trailer for Michael Bay's new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie exploded onto the Internet last week, delighting audiences across the world with the borderline fetal facial features of our heroes in a half shell. However, the question on everyone's mind -- as is the case with every film Michael Bay is involved with -- is WILL IT BE TERRIBLE?
#4. The Story: Has Been Rewritten Four Times
The new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie has gone through more rewrites than a freaking novel. At one point, the titular green heroes weren't even going to be teenage, mutants, or turtles. They were going to be ninja aliens (but then, for the first time in his entire career, Michael Bay came to his senses).
Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Note that the world was in the midst of a record rate of large scale cocaine busts.