Did you hear? The pope has officially declared evolution and the big bang theory to be real! It's a huge, world-changing news story about something no pope has ever done before ... except for Pope Benedict XVI, Pope John Paul II, and even Pope Pius XII back in the goddamn '50s. Yeah. Turns out that's just a thing the Vatican has been down with for a long time, so why all the hubbub?
If we had to guess, the hype probably has something to do with our forever-part series about the media eating its own dick when it comes to minutiae like "fact-checking" and "being the news." Strap in everyone, because the bullshit merry-go-round has begun ...
#6. Listening to Beyonce Doesn't Make You Stupid
The beauty of any dubious Facebook-prone pop culture "study" is that they are satisfying enough to validate people's already-established opinions while inconsequential enough for nobody to actually fact-check. For example, you might have seen the following headline shared across the social media profiles of your brightest, most mature, least annoying friends:
"It's cool. I- uh, actually have Beyonce friends."
While you weren't paying attention, the Christian movie industry has gone Tyler Perry on us and spit out a buttload of movies. In 2014 alone we've seen Left Behind, God's Not Dead, Heaven Is for Real, and the wildly underrated Hey You Guys, Let's Jesus This Town Up! And guess what? Some of these movies have done all right at the box office. Noah, for example, did better at the theater than The Edge of Tomorrow did (and yes, we know-a Noah was from the Old Testament, not Jesus-themed). But you get the drift: religious movies are hot! Or are they?
With 83 percent of Americans and 32 percent of the entire planet self-identifying as Christian, you'd think that movies with an overtly pro-God theme would make perpetual bank. That really hasn't been the case. Here's why you won't see a $200-million reboot of Bibleman any time soon.
You all remember, Bibleman, right? RIGHT?
#4. Too Much Theology Drives Everyone Away
Before we figured out that Mel Gibson is batshit insane, he pulled off something no one thought possible: a commercially successful movie based on the pummeling of Jesus Christ before his crucifixion. Viewers vomited out $600 million worldwide to see a dramatization of the Son of God getting curb-stomped by Romans.
"Bring the kids! Pack some Peeps!"
In an effort to out-hype Marvel's colossal cinematic future, DC and Warner Bros. recently released a calendar mapping out their slate of upcoming superhero films for our dark, brooding pleasure. As a response, Marvel out-hyped DC's super-hype by uber-hyping their upcoming Phase Three -- which will feature Thor's Ragnarok storyline, Captain America fighting Iron Man in Civil War, Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Guardians of the Galaxy teaming up with The Avengers in Infinity War: Part 1 and 2, plus Doctor Strange, Captain Marvel, Black Panther, Inhumans, and a new golden retriever puppy for everyone in the world. Sick burn, Marvel.
Chris Amaral/Digital Vision/Getty Images
"Is he suppose to have that?"
"It'll make sense when Inhumans drops."
Hey buttheads, did you hear? The hoverboard is a real thing! Great Scott! Power of Love! Some other Back to the Future thing! It appears the Zemeckis vision of the future is finally upon us, at least according to every Marty McHeadline on the interweb:
For those awful human beings who have never seen the BttF movies, a hoverboard is exactly what it sounds like: a skateboard, except with air instead of wheels. But wait, before you throw your life savings at a crate full of flying future-toys, give us a minute to explain why this whole story stinks worse than a truckload of manure ...