Summer blockbusters have officially begun an agonizingly visible decline into bittersweet oblivion, like the Terminator giving a thumbs-up while being slowly dipped into a cauldron of boiling steel. Summer 2014 saw the most dismal box office turnout in eight years, which included the worst 4th of July weekend since 1987 both in terms of gross receipts and comedic remakes of old cop shows.
Universal Studios, Columbia Pictures
Pictured: 1987 (left), 2014 (right)
If you're anything like us, you spend nearly half of your day fact-checking endless digital headlines in a tireless, sometimes rage-fueled search for what's true and what is just a big wad of cyber-malarkey. If you're not like us (read: you have a life), luckily there's a place where you can easily tell the bullshit from the bulltruth. Hint: you're reading it right now.
So once again, here we are at the rocky cliffs overlooking the ocean of lies we call viral news, attempting to catch the torrent of hyperbolic stories plunging down like lemming after lemming. And yes, we're aware lemmings don't actually do that; we were being hyperbolic ourselves. And yes, we see the irony in that. Shut up.
#4. A Church Isn't Going to Stop the Next Game of Thrones Nude Scene
At its core, Game of Thrones is pretty much a grand, honorary opus to tits and blood. Reduce that, and it's just a bunch of stoic British people eating at fancy events. This is no doubt why the following news hit the Internet harder than Valyrian steel to the junk:
"Bloody murders? All good."
Back in 2008, DC Comics had massive success with The Dark Knight. And now that Marvel's space opera about a low-vocabulary tree-man is the highest-grossing movie of the year, DC is more than eager to hop back aboard the hype train, unaware that they've aimed it squarely off a cliff. Their main problems?
#4. DC's Doing the Exact Opposite of What Made Marvel Successful
DC can't just copy Marvel's film formula, so they're contrasting. Namely, DC's embracing the gritty overtones of the Christopher Nolan Bat-trilogy -- which printed a shit-ton of Bat-dollars, reactions to The Dark Knight Rises notwithstanding -- instead of Marvel's pop superheroics.
Also, DC is flip-flopping the structure of The Avengers. In that film, Marvel took an armful of superheroes -- most of whom had prior films to establish their characters -- and tossed them all into the same darn movie. If you hated Thor, it didn't matter -- you could ignore that character and instead relish Iron Man's banter, Captain America's befuddled good looks, or Hawkeye's, uh, Hawk-stuff.
This was a nice dessert after a well-made meal. Justice League is just a high dive into a swimming pool of ice-cream headache.
A decade ago, sci-fi movies like The Island and Minority Report promised us a future where we didn't have to pick up controllers to play video games. Well, guess what: It's here! The future arrived! And it sucks! After the promising start of the Wii, the impressive technological potential of the Kinect, and the "hey guys, we're doing this too, we guess" of the PlayStation Move, it looks like the state of interactive gaming has screeched to a painful halt. Here's why:
#4. The PlayStation 4 Camera Is Used for Porn, Drugs, Weirdness (Anything but Gaming)
The world was introduced to the PlayStation 4's Playroom (a mini-game that uses a camera to show you interacting with cool special effects on your TV) when Ice-T kicked little virtual robots on Jimmy Fallon's show. Remember that? Lots of people do, because the PS4 camera immediately sold out as gamers began broadcasting their Playroom sessions online. Here's how Sony imagined everyone would use this thing:
And here's what the Internet did instead:
He starts blowing the gun too.