At this point, technology is advancing at such a staggering pace that if you saw a headline on a respected news site screaming "Scientists Invent Flying Blow Job Car," a lot of us would muse, "Yeah, that sounds plausible." We know this because every day the media feed you tech stories that are about as real as dick-sucking sky sedans. Take, for example ...
#4. The United States Isn't Building Iron Man Armor, Sorry
What with their trillions in walking-around money, it was only a matter of time before some general popped in The Avengers and thought, "Fuck it -- let's get one of those."
"Suck it, Steve." -Tony Stark
In the marketing world, standing out isn't just a goal -- it's a religious obligation. But sometimes absent-minded admen turn this rite into advertising blasphemy, earning them a toasty spot in publicity hell. Here are four recent ad blunders that mysteriously made it out to us, the schadenfreude-y public.
#4. Fashion Label Loves Ugandan Warlord
Kate Spade New York recently rolled out a line of tote bags with catchy slogans like "Tequila Is Not My Friend" and "I Don't Care What Is Written About Me So Long as It Isn't True" (so you'll look like a raging alcoholic if you carry both bags at the same time). Anyway, the campaign went comically downhill when Kate Spade tried to remix a classic Big Apple design:
Kate Spade New York
"Oooo, the Kony 2014's are in!"
Minutes after ancient man learned that fire could cast spooky shadows on the cave wall (and was burned alive for being a sorcerer), humans started using their technological ingenuity to scare the poop out of each other. So it's no surprise that a few geeks out there are using cutting-edge doodads to elicit high-pitched screams of horror this Halloween.
#4. NASA Employee Quits to Pursue High-Tech Costume Dreams
Back in 2011, Mark Rober noticed a complete lack of tech-savvy Halloween costumes on the market. At the time, he was working for a lowly, humdrum company called NASA as a mechanical engineer on projects like the Curiosity Rover.
*Yawn* Just another boring day at the office.
Before everything ever produced could be uploaded to the eternal collective memory bank that is the Internet, film footage was stored on reels of extremely flammable material that tended to ignite like scrolls of black magic with alarming regularity.
Consequently, thousands of classics have been lost to your average human foul-ups and jackassery. But recently, copies of a handful of famous old movies once thought lost or destroyed have been found, with results ranging from "neat" to "unfortunate."
#4. Lost Footage from Return of the Jedi
Never-before-seen footage from Return of the Jedi resurfaced on an old LaserDisc after lying undiscovered for 30 years. For those of you too young to remember, LaserDiscs were essentially the predecessor to DVDs, only they were roughly the size of a truck tire for no apparent reason. Lucasfilm used to store and edit all of their footage on them, which probably means there are stacks of undiscovered Howard the Duck LaserDiscs lying in a cursed warehouse somewhere.
"Boy, this technology will never fail!" -Lucasfilm