Quick Fixes


February 18, 2014

4 Unintentionally Awful Attempts to Raise Public Awareness

By XJ Selman | 242,806 Views

The Internet has taught us that the governments of the world aren't above getting silly every once in a while -- the White House recently wrote a detailed response explaining why they can't build a Death Star, and even senators and congressmen have gone so far as to embrace Doge memes. Unfortunately, sometimes our authorities forget to turn off their legendary senses of humor when broaching serious subjects and just come off like insensitive jackasses.

We never thought the day would come when we'd complain about government officials getting too whimsical, but then again, no one could have predicted shit like ...

#4. Police Write Anti-Rape Christmas Poem, "The Nightmare Before Christmas"

Last December, police in Nottinghamshire, England, finally realized that putting out "Ladies, don't get raped" ads isn't the most productive way to combat a very serious problem, so this time they decided to target the perpetrators instead. How? Why, by writing would-be rapists a Christmas poem, couplets and all. Here's the opening:

Nottinghamshire Police
It gets even worse when you read it in Jack Skellington's voice.


February 16, 2014

4 Priceless Treasures That Were Destroyed by Morons

By David Christopher Bell | 374,819 Views

Whether it's Frank Drebin stabbing a fish with a priceless pen or Inspector Clouseau versus a Steinway piano, no slapstick comedy is complete without the hero inadvertently devaluing some priceless relic through charming buffoonery. But if you thought such over-the-top destruction could only exist in a Mr. Bean movie, you were wrong -- sometimes life imitates art, and sometimes that art involves some clumsy dildo juggling vases.

#4. Museum Guard Sits in Napoleon's Chair, Promptly Breaks It

Being a security guard in a museum isn't as exciting as Ben Stiller would have us believe -- standing for eight hours straight in an adult-size Boy Scout uniform can get pretty tedious, especially when you have a comfy-looking chair right there. That was the situation for a French guard who recently gave in to leg cramps and decided to rest his haunches on a nearby folding chair ... which happened to be the 200-year-old fart muffler for none other than Napoleon himself. Unfortunately, the guard couldn't rest for long, because he totally broke the chair by completely snapping the leather in two.

Mobilier Nationale
"My my, I tried to hold your butt, but you were stronger
Oh yeah, and now it seems my only chance is giving up the fight


February 15, 2014

4 More Creepy Mysteries With Really Dumb Explanations

By XJ Selman | 407,518 Views

In exchange for the science and technology that afford us quick access to photographs of breasts, humanity has relinquished that sense of slack-jawed wonder that kept us chained to superstitions for so much of human history. This probably explains why there are those among us who still search for mystical explanations for simple phenomena. (Or, phenomeNOTs, if you're feeling particularly Dana Carvey today.)

#4. Strange Egyptian Statue Spins Because of ... Footsteps

Last summer, Egyptophiles all over the world were left in suspended states of shock as video proof of the paranormal had finally been captured. At Britain's Manchester Museum, a 10-inch ancient Egyptian statue had been recorded spinning all on its own.

ABC News
"Stand in the place where you haunt/Now face north
Think about possession/Wonder why you haven't before."


February 14, 2014

The 4 Worst Ways You Could Possibly Spend Valentine's Day

By XJ Selman, Aaron Granger | 225,300 Views

Valentine's Day comes with a lot of pressure for couples. Society says we have to do something special, since our love is measured by how elaborate and expensive our romantic gestures are. Well, we have good news: No matter what you wind up doing this Valentine's Day -- even if it's nothing -- it could always be worse.

#4. Fast Food Chains Are Offering Candlelit Dinners

If you forgot to make your dinner reservation at the fancy French place your lover's been talking about for the last two months with subtle winks and nudges, don't sweat it, McDonald's has your back:

They cancelled the Happy Meal sex toys after last year's fiasco.