Normally, when a scary movie claims to be "based on a true story," they're using that term fairly loosely -- which is weird, because the opening minutes of horror flicks are unfolding in real life, all around the world, and with hilarious frequency.
So as part of our never-ending campaign to shatter your delusions of security and leave you a quaking shell of a human being, it's our job to inform you that ...
#7. A Fish Orgy Likely Terrorized a Small English Town
Earlier this autumn, the unsuspecting citizens of Hampshire, England, were the victims of a nocturnal, pulsing hum that proved so annoying that residents escaped their homes to find some decent shut-eye. Scientists fingered a curious culprit -- tons of horny midshipman fish, whose courtship rituals require the males to boldly out-hum their sexual competitors.
"You have your 'hummers,' we have ours."
Some viral stories spread across the Internet with such alacrity that it almost seems like people didn't even read them before smashing the "Share" button -- which would explain why so many of them are actually total bullshit.
So, before you show your vast array of fourth cousins and high school friends you haven't talked to in a decade that adorable/awesome/terrifying news item, please take a second to check it for lodged pieces of corn. Otherwise, you could end up disseminating tales as fake as ...
#5. That Dude Who "Schooled" the Lady on a Plane Made It All Up
When a mid-ranking Twitter user and H-list celebrity boasted an epic battle of note-passing between himself and a rude airline passenger named Diane, the Internet rejoiced, then immediately threw themselves into a debate about whether the dude they just called a "hero" was sexist.
Considering that Americans are statistically more likely to believe in ghosts than they are to be able to locate Ohio and New York on a map, we shouldn't be that surprised to suddenly find ourselves hip-deep in ghost hunting reality television shows. Drunken late-night trespassing is now officially a lucrative enterprise, which has predictably resulted in assaults, arrests, and criminal property damage, because ghosts do not actually exist.
#5. A Group Searches for Ghosts, Finds a Pissed-Off Neighbor Instead
Recently, a group of plucky paranormal investigators, presumably armed with traditional ghost hunting equipment like cans of JOOSE and iPhone 5s, traveled down to a haunted tunnel in Tennessee to prove the existence of the supernatural by attempting to photograph auditory hallucinations or whatever. Such was their tenacity that Brandi Lea Amey, a local who lives not far from the tourist-trapping spirit pipe, rushed onto the scene and chased the teens away with a Red Rider BB gun.
The Amazing Spider-Man delivered on a darker superhero world where a guy would still dress up in bright red spandex (but also have a brooding skateboard). And a mere six years after rebooting Sam Raimi's Spider-Man trilogy, it appears that The Amazing Spider-Man 2 has gone with an entirely different marketing strategy called "Here's all the stuff you already saw last decade." Just check out the trailer!
#4. Spider-Man Fights a Hulking Dude in an Armored Truck
If there's one thing the original trilogy did well, it was generating situations where infuriated science experiments pummeled hapless bank security guards like they were crash test dummies. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 promises all of that, plus the shit you saw in Spider-Man 3.
Sony's plan, Sony's plan: Repeat shit so Marvel can't.
Look out, here comes the rehash faaaaaannns!