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June 04, 2014

4 Ways the New Godzilla Movie Ripped Off the Crappy '98 Flop

By David Christopher Bell | 346,206 Views

After several weeks in theaters, the Bryan Cranston-tastic new Godzilla film has both critics and audiences praising the movie as the biggest beast-tackling slam dunk since Space Jam. And while we're in no position to tell all of those people that they're wrong, there's something about the reception of the new Godzilla that is incredibly puzzling: This movie is more or less exactly the same as the universally reviled Godzilla that was released to a fanfare of boos and ironic ticket sales in 1998.

No, seriously -- when you break it down on digital paper, the two movies are so bizarrely similar, it seems like the producers of the new film decided to make a $200 million homage to one of the most infamously terrible blockbusters of all time.

#4. It Has Ridiculous Plot Elements

The plot of 1998's Godzilla saw the U.S. military using Godzilla's unstoppable attraction to fish in order to lure him into a trap that they inexplicably set in the middle of a major population center and a small group of individuals discovering and destroying a nest of atomic monster eggs with the potential to wipe out the human race. Those characters are consequently singled out by the atomic monster who laid those eggs (Godzilla), because laying hundreds of golf-cart-size eggs is quite literally a pain in the ass.

The plot of 2014's Godzilla sees the military using the giant monsters' unstoppable attraction to radiation in order to lure them into a trap that inexplicably draws them right through the middle of a major population center and a single individual who finds and destroys a nest of atomic monster eggs with the potential to wipe out the human race. That character is consequently singled out by the atomic monster who laid those eggs, because holy shit, this is literally the exact same plot as the previous movie.

Warner Bros.
Admittedly, "plot" may be a bit strong of a word when describing these movies.

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June 03, 2014

4 Photos From the World Cup Straight Out of a Dystopia

By XJ Selman | 343,931 Views

The soccer-fanatic nation of Brazil is hosting the World Cup, starting on June 12, and as you may have heard, the preparations aren't going so great. Millions of Brazilians have been protesting in the streets for more than a year over the superfluous spending on stadiums that'll be abandoned and probably turned into shantytowns two weeks after the games.

The government's solution? Spend even more money coming up with sci-fi-looking measures to curb the protests. The results look like some Hollywood madman took the World Cup and gave it a gritty reboot set in a dystopian future -- one where people care enough about soccer to pull stuff like this:

#4. Rio's New Police Officers Are Modeled After RoboCop and Darth Vader

If there's anything that resonates with the World Cup spirit, it's hundreds and hundreds of cheering, excitable, weirdly dressed ... RoboCop-styled policemen.

Yasuyoshi Chiba/AFP/Getty Images
"Dead or alive, you're sambaing with me."

Article

May 30, 2014

6 B.S. New Stories That Fooled Your Friends (Part 22)

By XJ Selman | 409,274 Views

Every so often, we here at Cracked like to remind you of all the viral stories that filled your Facebook feeds and dominated your Internet chatter, in an effort to show you the other side of the coin that the media "accidentally" forgot to let you see (aka the other side of the coin where Abe Lincoln's beard is made of bullshit).

#6. A High Schooler Didn't Feed Her Classmates Semen-Filled Cupcakes

Earlier this month, you might have come across this gut-wrenching headline that went viral: A high school girl had baked semen-filled cupcakes and fed them to her classmates at school.

gawker.com
Did she Danny Ocean a sperm bank?

Article

May 28, 2014

5 Insane Apocalyptic Photos of the Current U.S. Drought

By XJ Selman | 338,170 Views

If you've seen the news lately or, like, gone outside for even a second, you may have noticed that the United States is currently suffering from one of the worst droughts in recent history, with half of the country now officially going through a major dry spell.

NASA
Suddenly, Texas wishes it wasn't a red state.

But, you know ... it's just a little water (or the lack thereof). It's not like the country is running out of something essential, like booze or something. What's the worst that could happen? Well, it turns out that besides the normal side effects like increasing earthquakes, raising mountains, and sinking the land, the drought is also bringing freakier consequences straight out of a Roland Emmerich CGI-fest, such as ...

#5. Towns Are Being Invaded by Mountains of Tumbleweed

For those who don't live in the hotter, desert-er regions of the world where nobody should be living anyway, tumbleweed is something you see in cartoons when they want to indicate that the town Scooby and the gang just rolled into is empty. But, much like birds or babies, tumbleweeds aren't that funny when you leave the house one morning and find an army of them staring at you -- which is what's happening right now in several U.S. states.

denver.cbslocal.com

online.wsj.com
"Block's ours now. You ain't made of weed, keep walking."