Thanks to the public's insatiable appetite for constant news, a random dude can literally find an old hamburger in his pocket and Time and CNN will be all over that discovery. The problem is that -- in our quest to fill every minute with new information -- old prejudices and terrible stereotypes fill in the gaps, especially when the media don't double-check their sources. Don't believe us? Take a look ...
#4. Japanese Eye-Licking Must Be Real (Because It's Japan)
Everybody knows that Japan is crazy. That's why it came as no surprise to hear that teenagers over there were really into this thing called worming -- that is, licking eyeballs for sexual gratification. In the past few months, the Telegraph, the Guardian, ABC, Fox, CBS, and Time all covered the freaky Japanese fad, and they all consulted experts who warned about everything from pinkeye to blindness.
In theory, public art is a good thing -- it promotes imagination and creativity while beautifying the world. But -- if recent headlines are any indicator -- it seems like artists are increasingly using "public art" as an excuse to foist hellacious nightmare creatures upon an unsuspecting public.
#5. Australia's $300,000 Flying Boob Monster
Australia is home to species upon species of unusually terrifying animals. So it's unsurprising that, during their leisure time, Australians wile away the hours inventing critters too horrid for reality.
Oh, hey, God's dead. What else could this mean?
Look, we're not conceited enough to believe that Cracked is the only website you read. We acknowledge that we are but one potato among many in the Great Garden of Internet, a mere tuber overshadowed by the tumescent and terrible Sequoia of Porno.
Jan Kronsell/Wikimedia Commons
"I require a steady diet of sunlight, fresh water, and anal."
Simply put, we don't expect you to use Cracked for all of your Internet needs. For example, we don't really do weather. None of our staffers are accredited meteorologists, so the best we can forecast is "all Earth weather, every day, until the sun becomes a red giant and annihilates our planet a few billion years from now."
"Expect sun until you go extinct or evolve into something incomprehensible."
Similarly, we don't subscribe to the "just pull sentences out of our asses and pretend it's real news" school of Internet writing, so we understand if you require the British tabloid The Daily Mail for your daily fix of ass-sentences.
Most criminals have seen enough CSI to know when they're going to get caught. Nonetheless, they often feel like they owe it to themselves to hazard an escape despite the comically low odds of success. Sometimes this risk is worth it. And other times, these escape attempts are so damn embarrassing that surrendering oneself to authorities while wearing crying hobo clown makeup would be the more dignified option.
#5. Man Goes on a High-Speed Police Chase (on a Moped)
After being spotted driving on a suspended license and approached by the police, James Phillips of Bristol, England, panicked and put some pedal to the metal. Or, to be more precise, put the handle-thingamajig-of-his-moped to the metal, because that's what the dude was driving: an effete 30-mile-per-hour insult to motorized vehicles. And because the suburbs of Bristol apparently don't see a lot of action, this chase somehow warranted four police cars and a helicopter.
Bristol Crown Court
At one point they are all outrun by a grandma on a Rascal.