Look, we get why female characters are underrepresented in Hollywood: It's not like movies with women as protagonists make huge amounts of money, or win lots of awards, or both.
Warner Bros., Lionsgate Films, Universal Studios, Summit Entertainment, Walt Disney, Columbia Pictures
And it's not like women buy more movie tickets than men.
Oh. But wait, how can we say that Hollywood is still all about dicks if all those hit movies shown above are fairly recent? Surely things are looking up now that it's been proven that women can write, produce, direct, and star in big blockbusters, right? Nope. In fact, they're only getting worse, because ...
#4. Their Clothing Is Progressively Getting Skimpier (Even if They're Teenagers)
As a nation, we love boobs. That's totally fine, but unless the character is a tri-bosomed mutant prostitute on Mars, boobs aren't always necessary to things like the plot and character development. For example, we're pretty sure that 30 percent of all female characters in 2012 weren't temptresses, despite that being the percentage of women in 2012 appearing on film in revealing clothing -- the highest it had been in five years. We're guessing 2013 didn't do much better, considering it was the year when the latest Star Trek and Die Hard sequels looked like this:
Paramount Pictures, 20th Century Fox
Women did get a peek at Jonah Hill's fake dong in Wolf of Wall Street.
The Internet is full of nasty people shouting about which overpriced console is better and advertisers trying to sell you shit, but every once in a while, something amazing happens: out of nowhere comes an image, a video, or a song so genuine and interesting that we all stop the mindless screaming for a second to share this wonderful creation with one another. You just can't buy that type of magic.
Wait, yes, you totally can -- and in fact, all of the following viral sensations were just paid ads, trying to sell you shit.
#4. Ellen's Oscar Selfie Was Samsung Product Placement
Ellen DeGeneres' famous Oscar selfie is the reason why you'll always be able to say "Ah, yes, this was taken in 2014" while browsing family photos -- it was the moment that introduced your older relatives to the concept of taking a dumb picture of yourself with a phone. The photo, depicting a dozen or so famous people spontaneously pressed together and smiling like teenagers at the mall, was taken during the Academy Awards broadcast and shared by over 3 million people, breaking all of Twitter's records (and also their servers).
"Wow, they're just like normal people! Self-centered and wrinkly up close!"
We've gotten pretty good at ignoring commercials, so companies have been forced to come up with new ways to advertise their products that literally challenge us not to notice them. This is why we now live in a world where an epic fantasy television show is releasing a tie-in rap CD and a man in a robot costume patrols train cars for serial molesters.
#5. RoboCop Keeps Japan's Trains Free of Perverts
To coincide with the March release of the new RoboCop movie in Japan, the Japanese police and the West Japan Railway Company joined forces with a man in a RoboCop outfit in a PSA to simultaneously promote the film and combat the growing epidemic of marauding railway gropers. Behold:
One can only assume authorities reached this decision after reviewing RoboCop's decorated history of dealing with sex criminals.
In their version, the detached penis sprouts tentacles and grows 150 feet, forcing Murphy to change to MEGAROBO! mode.
Internal memos are like the family secrets of bureaucracies. Some are boring and tame, and others -- like if your parents share a grandparent -- should never see the light of day. The following memos are on the incest side of the embarrassment scale.
#4. PayPal Employees Want Nothing to do With PayPal
Whether you use it or not, we can all probably agree that PayPal has made buying sex toys and porn subscriptions without credit cards a tiny bit simpler, which by itself sort of justifies PayPal's existence. Unfortunately, the people who work there don't agree. In February, the president of PayPal sent an alarming internal memo to all his San Jose employees chastising them for not being PayPally enough.
"You want us to start locking our accounts for no reason whatsoever?"