Quick Fixes

Article

December 14, 2013

5 Video Game News Stories Nobody Noticed Were BS

By Evan V. Symon | 397,032 Views

It's that time again! Time for another round of complete and utter bullshit that was recently plastered all over your Facebook feed disguised as news! Yay!

And when these stories are about video games, they seem to spread even more quickly and be based on fewer details, as gaming reporters know that readers don't actually want news, but rather any old amalgamation of words that gives them license to scream at each other in the comments section. Therefore, we end up with nonsense like:

(We're sorry, but movies and video games have been lying to you about guns for years. Buy the Cracked De-Textbook and learn more.)

#5. A Woman Didn't Kill Three People for the New Xbox

Break.com, one of the leading paragons of investigative journalism, used its official Twitter account to spread a sensational story about a woman stabbing three people to death with a screwdriver to secure the last Xbox One in a Chicago Walmart:

Twitter
"And her name was Sarah Connor. For reals."

Article

December 13, 2013

Why Hollywood Can't Stop Remaking the Same 4 Stories

By XJ Selman | 350,584 Views

Hey, we love a good fairy tale just as much as the next person. (Don't even ask how many fancy-font Rumpelstiltskin tramp stamps adorn our bodies.) But even we know you can only get so much of a good thing before audiences say they never want to hear the word "Sherlock" again.

Too bad nobody told these guys.

(Nobody told US the ancient pyramids glowed white, or that U.S. Grant was a giant wuss. That's why we wrote the De-Textbook.)

#4. Three Peter Pans Are Currently in Development

It's been just about a decade since the last live-action appearance of Peter Pan, and Hollywood has suddenly decided that's been 10 years too long. The remedy? Not one, not two, but three different Peter Pan remakes.

In November it was announced that the director of Pride and Prejudice and Atonement will be taking on the new Warner Bros. Peter Pan flick, which will focus on our green boy's mysterious past. And considering Joe Wright's previous projects, we can probably expect a sex scene or 20 and a whole lot of emotionally charged cleavage.

Sky Movies
Hopefully they can bring Bob Hoskins' gay Smee out of retirement.

Article

December 12, 2013

4 Psychics Whose Baffling Scams (Almost) Worked

By XJ Selman | 258,614 Views

You don't have to work too hard to convince us that psychics are a scummy bunch. When famous psychic Sylvia Browne died last month, hardly anyone had anything nice to say about her -- which almost never happens when someone dies. So it takes a special kind of awful to get called out as a particularly terrible psychic. Incredibly, these four people hit that mark.

(Even psychics don't know how bicycles work. And neither do scientists. Our De-Textbook has more.)

#4. Evil Spirit Scammers Target Elderly Chinese Ladies

Imagine you're walking through New York City's Chinatown and a stranger approaches you, claiming your child will be dead in two days. After a quick glance to find the cameras and a 2003 version of Ashton Kutcher, you might actually get freaked out. Especially after another person joins the conversation and talks you and your new friend into visiting a spiritual healer to get rid of evil spirits that are about to haunt the fuck out of your loved ones. But first you just need to go home and grab some valuables. Don't ask questions -- just do it.

Jani Bryson/iStock/Getty Images
"Well it's valuable to me."

Article

December 11, 2013

4 Awesome Relics Of History (You Didn't Know You Could Buy)

By XJ Selman | 242,420 Views

Several iconic items that represent famous swaths of the past have recently gone to auction, so if you've got several potato sacks of $100,000 to spare, famous relics can sit in your living room, watching you masturbate at the spectacle of your pecuniary intemperance.

#4. A 150 Million-Year-Old Dinosaur Skeleton

Back in 2009, one of perhaps half a dozen full diplodocus skeletons discovered thus far was found in a Wyoming quarry, with nine weeks of digging required to fully disinter the skeleton. Most of these skeletons are treasured pieces in museums and galleries. But this dinosaur is different, because earlier this autumn, the 60-foot-long beast went on the auction block.

Summers Place Auctions
Somewhere, Nic Cage needs a drool bucket.