As you may have noticed, today is the last day of the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. As we bid adieu to this dystopian Potemkin village where political protesters get whipped in the street, let's reminisce about all those goings-on that were not awarded medals. Here's Cracked's unofficial medal roundup. (And if any winners would like an actual medal, we'll be happy to make you one out of puffy paint and macaroni.)
#4. Individual "Hulk Smash"
Bruce Bennett/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
To be fair, most of the things you touch in Sochi will do this.
BRONZE: What looks like a still from Leonidas v. Leonidas is actually a moment from a preliminary hockey match, with Andreas Nodl of Austria using Norway's Jonas Holos to shatter a pane of glass. We assume the glass shards were later consumed by the competitors as a post-game snack.
SILVER: A few weeks back, American bobsledder Johnny Quinn found himself locked inside his bathroom after a shower (which is one of the more pleasant stories reported about Sochi hotels). Unfortunately for the door, a man who bench presses 450 pounds is never trapped anywhere, and he simply Shining-ed his way through the door ... using his bare hands.
Meanwhile, you still have a hard time with revolving doors.
As you may remember, the 1989 film Back to the Future Part II saw Marty McFly and Doc Brown travel to the distant year of 2015, a year filthy with cyborgs and self-lacing sneakers. And a few days ago, Nike announced that they will market said shoes next year, which is smashing news for those of you who have yet to figure out Velcro.
But how far along are the other technological marvels as depicted in Back to the Future Part II's 2015? Well, a scan of the latest headlines is not heartening. If the following innovations don't come to pass in the next 300 days, we'll have to seriously rethink our company policy that all movies are nonfiction.
Hoverboards are the best part of the Back to the Future films, for the sole reason that they're so much fun, they'll erase the trauma of being sexually propositioned by one's own mother days earlier.
Just like we did last week and the week before that (and we'll probably keep doing until the Internet simply collapses under the weight of its own crap), let us take you on another adventure through the most recent batch of overt balderdash that the media were somehow able to spit shine and call "news." Hope you don't have vertigo, because the bullshit's stacking high today!
#4. Flappy Bird iPhones Aren't Being Sold for $100,000 on eBay
Just when we thought the world was rid of Flappy Bird, the hit Helicopter game ripoff that got so much attention that its owner just said "fuck this" and took it down, the game flapped its way out of the grave and dove straight into a pile of cash:
We have an old Nokia with Snake that's yours for some Reese's and a Yoo-hoo.
Our species likes to consider itself the master of the planet, but every now and then animals decide to remind us how staggeringly outnumbered we are by grouping together, seemingly for the express purpose of showing humans that we are barely competent meat puppets without our vaunted tool-building skills.
#5. Escaped-Bee Attacks Are a Thing, Horrifying
Truck driver Josh Call was returning to his rig after a coffee stop in Phoenix when he was suddenly attacked and stung over 20 times by a rogue swarm of bees that escaped from another truck, because apparently Call was hauling a trailer full of honeycombs and gypsy curses.
"Why did I record that Wu-Tang diss track?"