From extinct gingers to mouth-pissing Aussie hooligans, the Internet is like an exuberantly complex Willy Wonka-style factory of lies -- river of brown included. Our job, not unlike the Oompa Loompas', is to drop that mic after laying out the harsh truths and popping the humanoid blueberry of media hyperbole. Which is our fancy way of saying: Hey, here's the fake news you fell for this week.
#6. Smartphones Aren't Making Restaurant Service Slower
Those gosh darn millennials with their car mustaches and dang wine cozies, all tanning off their ever-present smartphones instead of socially interacting with each other -- they are just the worst. And sure, while this has literally been said about every new generation since the dawn of media, it looks like we've finally found that smoking gun:
So close this article and fucking finish that meal.
By this point in the game, complaining about Hollywood's hard-on for reboots is so old hat that Hollywood probably has a reboot of your reboot complaints in the works. It takes particularly boneheaded details to warrant making fun of remakes anymore.
Luckily for us, the people behind these upcoming reboots have risen to the challenge.
#5. They're Inexplicably Rebooting Men in Black
Hey, you guys remember how awesome Men in Black was? How it struck a great balance between action, comedy, and (b)romance, like a sci-fi version of The Princess Bride? And you remember how, despite the fact that the movie ended in a way that perfectly wrapped up the story, you wanted them to remake the same movie, only with new people? Congratulations, all four of you are getting your wish! It turns out the cocaine pile at Sony Pictures was getting a bit small and they decided to give the MIB franchise a fresh take by redoing one-third of a series that isn't even old enough to buy cigarettes yet.
20th Century Fox, nikkytok/iStock/Getty Images
Independence Day is already on two packs a day, unfiltered, sadly.
Guardians of the Galaxy is a $170 million sci-fi action-comedy based on a comic book starring a bunch of D-list superheroes nobody gave a shit about five years ago. It's directed by James Gunn, a former Troma screenwriter best known for low-budget gorefests like Slither and Super. Two of Guardians' main characters are a talking tree and raccoon. And if this wasn't a Marvel Studios movie, Guardians would've been exiled to the Stygian wastelands of February, along with Jupiter Ascending and Texas Chainsaw Massacre $17: The Budget Is the Title. In short, it's incredible that Guardians was made.
Several Cracked writers checked out Guardians earlier this week. It's fun in that way Marvel films are, but it has the DNA of a B-movie, albeit a B-movie that Marvel has been daintily shepherding into the public consciousness for the past two years, like a Faberge egg wrapped in a tortilla of angel's laughter.
"Clap harder, you fool. The Disney snipers are watching."
It's almost August, folks. Has the summer of 2014 felt a little bit off to you? Not quite as good as summers past? Turns out it's not just your complete inability to enjoy anything or experience true happiness -- we've found statistical evidence that proves this summer is the worst one since "Margaritaville" was unleashed on the world.
So, just in case your summer plans weren't ruined already, let us help you expedite that process through the magic of cold, hard facts:
#5. The Teenage Summer Job Is a Thing of the Past
Remember the first summer your parents made you get a job? Sure, you thought flipping burgers at the burger-flipping factory sucked at the time, but in the end you probably appreciated the structure. The summer job is practically a rite of passage. Or, if you're a parent, it's a convenient way to get your teens out of the house for a few hours and have some loud adult fun.
"Finally. If had to watch that wiener we wrought screw up this level one more time ..."