You know the parental milestone of catching your teenager smoking a cigarette? Well, some folks prefer to lecture their kids about the dangers of tobacco use, whereas others reprimand their li'l delinquents by forcing them to smoke the entire pack. And then we have those less orthodox parents who force their progeny to eat the cigarettes on a kaiser roll while wearing Joe Camel masks.
"Son, your mother is a slutty dromedary. I'm sorry you had to find out like this."
The point is, sometimes the lessons we teach are punishments in and of themselves. Here are some would-be Good Samaritans who recently tried to share greater knowledge and insight with humanity, but instead ended up showering confused bystanders with sadness and excrement.
#3. Bank and Ad Agency Team Up to Ruin Some Guy's Life
Think of everything the Internet has on you. Most of us have been doing our banking/shopping/porning online for over a decade now, which makes for one big sloppy online footprint. Obviously, it's important that we remember to keep our guard up against identity thieves. It's so important that a Belgian bank created an ad documenting the actual act of stealing a client's life away from him.
Exactly like that single movie Sandra Bullock made in the 1990s in which computer hackers trapped her on an out-of-control cruise ship as punishment for being a witch from the future.
Some criminals spend considerable time and effort concocting new ways to keep the police off their back, such as only using disposable phones or emulating the flinty good looks of Idris Elba. (Sorry, some of us here just discovered The Wire.) But then there are crooks on the other end of the spectrum who go about their business somewhat less surreptitiously and -- to put the behavior in layman's terms -- just don't give a flying shit.
#4. Florida Man Fills Out Job Application at Gas Station, Promptly Robs It
Last July, imminent Florida representative Anthony Thomas went out to his local Citgo gas station to apply for a job. After filling out the application form, giving the place his real full name and address, Thomas felt so satisfied for being a productive member of society that he helped himself to a little reward -- namely, $130 from the cash register, which he swiped right in front of a plainly visible security camera.
If you watch it backward, he's just leaving the cashier a generous tip.
Killing folks indiscriminately is historically a poor tactic for winning over the neighborhood. Indeed, some of the most hated people in the world are realizing this and have begun taking steps to refurbish their image. And not by not killing more people and hoping that works this time around -- instead, they're trying adorable strategies that would cause the Girl Scouts of America to vomit up a gumdrop-flavored rainbow.
#5. Murderous Gangster on Trial Unleashes the Animal Cuddling Defense
James "Whitey" Bulger is an infamous mob boss indicted on charges of extortion, drug dealing, murder, and crimes so horrific that Johnny Depp almost starred in his biopic. Knowing that his claims of innocence would make his own mother laugh her ass off, Bulger's legal team switched to a more aggressive strategy: pictures of him cuddling with dogs, goats, and birds.
Out of frame: his pet crocodile, Dillinger.
Relationships are tough. But thanks to some new smartphone applications, couples can breathe easy knowing that every step of their relationship can be dictated by an impartial handheld electronic device, just like nature intended! Here's our recipe for building your very own love computer (that runs on mescaline).
#5. Meet Someone With a Blind-Dating App
Blind dates are those things that sitcom characters go on to generate awkward laughs from a studio audience. But now, thanks to OkCupid's new Crazy Blind Date app, you can trust an uncaring and faceless company to send you on an exploratory romantic encounter with a complete stranger.
Crazy: The foundation of every healthy relationship.