Quick Fixes

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October 12, 2014

4 Video Games For Those With Really Specific Sexual Fetishes

By XJ Selman | 344,445 Views

Remember when the Oculus Rift was first announced, and you jokingly asked how long it would take for someone to turn it into a bizarre virtual sex helmet? Well as it turns out, the answer was "immediately." Thanks to this fabulous new piece of immersive technology, howling sexual maniacs around the world are now free to ...

#4. Kiss, Fondle, and Sleep With An Anime Character

Not all anime fans are off-putting social outcast weirdos who fantasize about having sex with cartoon characters, but all off-putting social outcast weirdos who fantasize about having sex with cartoon characters are anime fans. There's a whole subculture of lonely fetishists out there who pretend to be married to body pillows depicting animated women with eyes bigger than their waists and breasts larger than most celestial objects. Well, no longer will these poor misfits have to inappropriately cuddle decorated cushions, because virtual reality developers have been working on several new projects that will allow them to inappropriately cuddle their favorite video game systems.

First, there's Summer Lesson for the PlayStation 4's Project Morpheus headset, which seeks to authentically simulate the experience of being in a study session with a Japanese schoolgirl and leering at her chest the entire time.

Sony Computer Entertainment
If you enter the Konami code, you can unlock Chris Hansen.

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October 10, 2014

5 Conspiracy Theories That Are So Dumb They're Brilliant

By Adam Wears | 668,414 Views

It would be nice to live in a world where there's no such thing as random tragedy and where every terrible event could be linked back to a villainous puppet master via a chain of subtle but obvious clues. We don't, though. Luckily, there is a fiercely insane contingent of people who are convinced that everything is a conspiracy, and reading their hilariously daffy theories about the exhausting web of deceit hiding behind recent events can occasionally make our indiscriminately destructive existence more bearable. Here are five of the most ridiculous examples.

#5. "The Ice Bucket Challenge Is a Satanic Baptism Ritual!"

The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge obnoxiously dominated everyone's social media feeds for the entire summer, but it's hard to find fault with something that helped gather over $100 million for medical research. Unless you're a crazy person on the Internet, in which case the fault is obvious -- all the people you saw dumping cold water on their heads were actually baptizing themselves into Lucifer's infernal doom army.

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If there's one way to honor the Lord of Hell, it's with buckets of ice-cold water.

Article

October 09, 2014

How to Fix 'The Walking Dead' in One Easy Step

By Adam Tod Brown, Megan Vance | 233,764 Views

While a spinoff of the highly successful series The Walking Dead has been rumored for years, it was finally confirmed when AMC recently ordered a pilot. Though the creators have released some vague tidbits on the cast of characters, they've been tight-lipped on the location, only stating that, while this series will be in the same post-apocalyptic universe (no way!), it will not be set in the same state as the companion series, which takes place in the most soul-crushingly boring part of Georgia imaginable.

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Which is wherever these people are.

That sounds like a joke, because it is, but it's also completely true and a gigantic problem for this show. Starting out with their sights set on Atlanta was great, immediately giving up and fleeing to the woods to talk things out for eternity, at least from an entertainment standpoint, has turned out far less great, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. You can only hide so many places in rural Georgia, as it turns out, and most of those places are barns or abandoned houses.

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Reminder: The kids on this show are the worst.

Article

October 08, 2014

5 Reasons America Can Calm the F#@% Down About Ebola

WARNING: ANY OF YOU COULD DIE, AT ANY MOMENT. That's because you're a mortal being; that's how it works. But you're not going to die from Ebola.

By now you've seen the headlines -- Ebola is an exotic African disease that kills in a spectacular way (sometimes by making you bleed out of every orifice) and it has come to America. But before you get out your Bane-style air mask and Ebola hammer, you just might want to consider a few reasoned points. Namely, that this is all royal bullshit:

#5. You'd Have to Go Out of Your Way to Get It (and Would Still Probably Fail)

Go ahead and Google "how to avoid getting Ebola" and see what pops up. Chances are you'll stumble upon the CDC's Q&A outlining such life-changing preventative measures as "washing your hands" and "not touching corpses and bats."

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Or corpses of bats, you sick weirdo.

Ebola is becoming the airplane disaster of contagions. The shock-and-awe value makes for television waves as huge and terrifying as tsunamis, but as infrequent as ... well ... tsunamis ... only way slower. If Ebola, measles, the common cold, and Spanish flu went toe-to-toe to see which spread the fastest, guess who wouldn't end up standing on the podium. The fucker isn't even airborne -- you could actually give a handjob to an Ebola victim and would probably live to tell about it so long as you washed your hands afterward.

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"So, we gonna do this, you sick weirdo?"