Whether you're a terrible person or the literal ghost of Mother Teresa, it's human nature to cast yourself as the fearless hero of your own life story. For the majority of us, no one cares that we think of ourselves as Martin Luther King Jr. Jr.: The Remix. But when famous people compare their (often self-made) problems to civil rights icons or soldiers during wartime, the human race's collective IQ goes into a death spiral.
#5. Illinois Congressional Candidate Compares Phil Robertson to Rosa Parks
In light of Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson's homophobic remarks and subsequent suspension from his own television show, many in the conservative Christian demographic sought to defend Robertson's "freedom of speech" and praised him for standing up for their beliefs (never mind that he was mostly talking about preferring vaginal sex to anal sex).
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"Unless it's an official Duck Dynasty butt mold, only $159 at Walmart."
If companies were people, a lot of them would be insensitive jackasses, compulsive liars, or just plain awful human beings. But we're not here to talk about those jerks. We're here to talk about corporations that are just like that guy at the park you see accidentally trick-shooting a Frisbee off a blind nun's head -- these are the schmos who manage to piss everyone off through sheer bad luck.
#5. Heineken Randomly Selects a Photo, Picks an Anti-Alcoholism Leader
When a Heineken-owned cider brand decided to put out an ad celebrating their historic benefactor, they couldn't find any pictures of the actual guy. The solution? Turn to an image bank and buy a Victorian-era photo of some other mustachioed gentleman, because who's gonna know the difference?
"He looks a little serious. Can we Photoshop him in a beer cozy hat?"
As Indiana Jones taught us, there's no shortage of insane millionaires out there who will spare no expense to procure whatever sinister antiquity they've suddenly decided will fill the roaring emptiness.
The problem is, most of the good shit is taken already -- we're pretty sure Hitler's skull and testicle are stored somewhere in Donald Trump's pool house. That forces the rest of the crazy collectors to spend comical amounts of money on such cultural artifacts as ...
#4. Lee Harvey Oswald's Wedding Ring -- $118,000
On the morning of November 22, 1963, Lee Harvey Oswald placed his gold wedding band on his wife's nightstand before leaving the house and, among other things, significantly raising its value by the following day.
Congratulations, you've found a way to make "Cash for Gold" even more despicable.
Ask any autoerotic asphyxiationado and they'll tell you -- there's no worse embarrassment than being found dead in an undignified position. (Or at least you'd learn that if he or she weren't dead.) We at Cracked disagree, as the following stories confirm that the real fear is being found alive. Just behold the following imbroglios ...
#5. Woman Tries to Cross Railroad Bridge as It Ascends, Gets Stuck Up There
Say you're taking a stroll one day when you come across a group of people gawking at something and taking photos. You look up, and there's a lady in pink just quietly hanging from a large wooden structure, 22 feet in the air.
Did we mention you're in Florida? We probably don't need to.