Despite the enormous amount of money Hollywood spends to promote blockbuster films, it apparently only allocates about $100, an afternoon, and a scared intern to the creation of movie posters.
A good poster can be every bit as important as a good trailer, but we are routinely bombarded with badly Photoshopped images that make absolutely no sense. It's almost as if Hollywood is challenging us with its childlike grasp of theme and logic and daring us to come see the movie anyway.
#6. X-Men: Days of Future Past -- Charles Xavier in a Rocket Wheelchair
20th Century Fox
The wizards responsible for the print marketing arm of X-Men: Days of Future Past decided that the best way to promote their movie was to Photoshop a constipated Patrick Stewart directly into the foreground wearing a laser tag battle suit and a hovering wheelchair. Apparently the flames from Patrick Stewart's rocket boosters destroy Washington at some point in this film. Either that or Wolverine has a weirdly elaborate full-body tattoo.
We really don't get why Hollywood keeps making movies. After all, you could basically chop up and rearrange all the films in existence into an infinite number of new gee-whiz blockbusters. All you need is a sprinkle of imagination, a twinkle in your eye, and a shit-ton of GIFs.
Don't believe us? Here are six recent flicks (and one television show) that intersect in ways you might not have noticed. So sit back, sneak in an entire Crock-Pot of beef stroganoff, and join us for some cinematic Frankensteins down at the Cracked Mashup Drive-In.
Let's face it, animals -- if you aren't a shark, bear, wolf, lion, alligator, crocodile, anaconda, cougar, tiger, Komodo dragon, barracuda, cobra, tarantula, tsetse fly, tapeworm, leech, or Portuguese man o' war, chances are us humans will let down our guard and yap at you in silly voices like Doctor Goddamn Dolittle.
But let us not forget -- "wildlife" is called "wildlife" because it's wild, brah. So with that in mind, here are five recent reminders that most, if not all, multicellular organisms would be happier if all humans were dead so they could lick the minerals from our sun-bleached bones.
#5. Peacock Is Too Powerful for Taser
Peacocks are beautiful animals, even if they are competing with the great tit for the naughtiest avian name out there. But a Houston man saw a dark side of the bird when his pet 'cock Meanie grew increasingly hostile toward human women.
"Hey, toots, how about we smush our cloacae together? Yeah, I've been drinking since noon. What's it to you?"
We have some good news and bad news, Internet: The good news is that April Fool's Day is over, so you don't have to be on the lookout for hilariously fake stories being passed off as truth. The bad news is that (as we've established over and over) for the media every day is April Fool's Day now, so forget what we said about not being on the lookout -- or just let us pick out the latest viral turds for you:
#4. Nope, a Teenager Didn't Save the Government $400 Million by Changing Fonts
Every now and then the world is blessed with a viral headline so nonsensical that it sounds like the dying words of a stroke victim. Such is the case with this completely unquestioned story being passed from CNN to Fox, Huffington Post, and CBS:
"Government to teen: If you say Comic Sans, you're going to Gitmo."