WARNING: ANY OF YOU COULD DIE, AT ANY MOMENT. That's because you're a mortal being; that's how it works. But you're not going to die from Ebola.
By now you've seen the headlines -- Ebola is an exotic African disease that kills in a spectacular way (sometimes by making you bleed out of every orifice) and it has come to America. But before you get out your Bane-style air mask and Ebola hammer, you just might want to consider a few reasoned points. Namely, that this is all royal bullshit:
#5. You'd Have to Go Out of Your Way to Get It (and Would Still Probably Fail)
Go ahead and Google "how to avoid getting Ebola" and see what pops up. Chances are you'll stumble upon the CDC's Q&A outlining such life-changing preventative measures as "washing your hands" and "not touching corpses and bats."
Or corpses of bats, you sick weirdo.
Ebola is becoming the airplane disaster of contagions. The shock-and-awe value makes for television waves as huge and terrifying as tsunamis, but as infrequent as ... well ... tsunamis ... only way slower. If Ebola, measles, the common cold, and Spanish flu went toe-to-toe to see which spread the fastest, guess who wouldn't end up standing on the podium. The fucker isn't even airborne -- you could actually give a handjob to an Ebola victim and would probably live to tell about it so long as you washed your hands afterward.
"So, we gonna do this, you sick weirdo?"
As we've previously discussed, the news has a habit of obliviously reporting stories that are clearly about ghosts, monsters, or other supernatural entities preparing to unleash their vengeance upon the world of the living, but dashing them off as run-of-the-mill news items, rather than the harbingers of doom that they obviously are. With Halloween just around the corner, there's no better time to take a look at some recent news stories that seem like X-Files cases Mulder and Scully never got a chance to investigate before that terrible second movie chased them out of paranormal detective work forever.
#7. Researchers Find a Shipwreck Where the Survivors Turned Cannibal
Back in 1845, the HMS Erebus and the HMS Terror went on an expedition into the arctic to collect data, and both ships became trapped in the ice and were never heard from again. This is a turn of events they perhaps should have seen coming after naming one of their goddamned boats the HMS goddamned Terror.
The actual novel about the Terror somehow failed to use this cover.
Apple sold more than 10 million units of the iPhone 6 in only three days, which means that at least a few of you are reading this on your brand-new future phone. Congratulations! Also, whatever the opposite of congratulations is, because there's a good chance you might have been tricked into buying that thing when you absolutely didn't need it. Here are some of the ways Apple (and our own brains) are pulling a fast one on our pockets:
#5. Making You Think Your iPhone Gets Slower When a New One Comes Out
So a new iPhone is out and, as fancy as it looks, you say to yourself, "Do I really need to spend hundreds of dollars when my trusty old phone works perfectly well?" Then you start up said trusty phone and it takes like a minute to load the Facebook app, so you dump the piece of shit in the garbage and head for the nearest Apple Store.
Well, you're not the only one who's been there -- every time a new iPhone has launched, Google searches for "iPhone slow" shoot up like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction:
Google Trends/NY Times
The search keywords "old," "bloated," and "low-memory" are interchangeable between the two.
In one very confusing week last month, the Internet watched a single news story evolve from "Emma Watson threatened by 4chan" to "4chan impersonated by marketing firm" to "marketing firm turns out to be a bunch of spammers" -- making the entire ordeal a hoax of a hoax, and reality as we know it a buckling farce.
So what is real? Are we even real? It's hard to say anymore, which is why we've once again cobbled together a helpful guide on what in the news of the last few weeks was a big fat lie. Starting with ...
#6. That Three Boobs Lady Has Two Boobs, Is a Liar
Here's a picture that you've probably seen a few times by now, and that you'll continue to see as a thumbnail on spammy sites for the rest of your life: the woman with three boobs.
Who apparently murdered someone in her shower moments before this picture was taken.