Quick Fixes


July 17, 2014

4 Ways 'Planet of the Apes' Has Made Actors Obsolete

Four Cracked staffers recently went to see Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. After drinking and talking about it for several hours, we came to one conclusion: We were going to need more drinks. Once we finished those, we came to another conclusion: Acting is no longer just an actor's craft. It's become a special effect.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing -- unless you're overly attached to the ancient craft of cinema as it's traditionally understood, like we are -- but it's pretty clear that Dawn's apes are doing to acting what Terminator 2's liquid metal robot did to practical effects like models, puppets, and guys blowing off mannequins' heads with shotguns. Don't believe us? Then how come ...

#4. Actors Are Interchangeable Now (in Their Own Film)

Robert Evans: When I heard John Goodman was taking on a role in Transformers 4, I was excited, because every whisper of Goodman activity sends an almost (OK, entirely) sexual thrill down my spine. The actual performance was just ... bizarre, though. The tone of his voice almost never matched the actual tone of the scene, or the voices of other characters in the scene.

Paramount Pictures
How do you even make a robot cigar?


July 16, 2014

A 60 Second Guide to Learning the Awful Truth About Yourself

By David Wong | 494,175 Views

This won't take but a minute, and I promise this won't be a waste of your time. It's three steps ...

Step 1: Get out a pen and paper. You don't need much, an old receipt or something. Write down, in just a few words, what you did yesterday. Leave out the sleeping, eating, pooping, etc. And be totally honest, nobody is going to see it but you. So maybe it's something like:

8 am - 5 pm: working
5 pm - 7 pm: browsing the Internet, catching up with everybody on facebook, masturbating
8 pm - 9 pm: talking on phone with a friend
9 pm - midnight: playing an iPhone game, scrolling through Netflix menus

Perfect, you're half done. If you want to stop and take a break, enjoy this animated gif:


July 15, 2014

4 Reasons 'Falconman' Is The Craziest Superhero Movie Ever

By Cyriaque Lamar | 192,057 Views

Are you sick of the same tired-ass superhero movies? Are you already fatigued by the 2015 Fantastic Four reboot? Are you exasperated by the fact that Batman v. Superman looks like it has all the mirth and wonderment of a Transylvanian condom ad? Wouldn't it be great if Hollywood threw caution to the wind and just invented a new goddamn crime-fighter?

Well, you're in luck! Look no further than Falconman, the upcoming superhero film starring famous Francophones Jean-Claude Van Damme and Gerard Depardieu. Here's the poster -- it will tell you everything you need to know about falcons, men, men who resemble falcons, and Photoshop.

"My arch-nemesis is kerning."


July 14, 2014

Why Oil Companies Caused 7 Earthquakes This Weekend

By Adam Tod Brown | 135,483 Views

There were seven earthquakes in Oklahoma over the weekend. Crazy, right? Not when you consider that, as of June 2014, there have been more earthquakes in Oklahoma than anywhere else in the continental United States, including California. It's not by a narrow margin, either. Just taking quakes with a magnitude of 3.0 or greater into account, the most recent numbers have them "winning" 207 to 140, a beating the likes of which hasn't been seen in an Oklahoma vs. California match-up since this year's NBA Western Conference Semifinals.

Sorry, FCC requirements demand that we make at least six sports references each year.