Quick Fixes

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August 02, 2014

5 Movie Reboots That Must Be Stopped

By Chris Radomile | 477,126 Views

By this point in the game, complaining about Hollywood's hard-on for reboots is so old hat that Hollywood probably has a reboot of your reboot complaints in the works. It takes particularly boneheaded details to warrant making fun of remakes anymore.

Luckily for us, the people behind these upcoming reboots have risen to the challenge.

#5. They're Inexplicably Rebooting Men in Black

Hey, you guys remember how awesome Men in Black was? How it struck a great balance between action, comedy, and (b)romance, like a sci-fi version of The Princess Bride? And you remember how, despite the fact that the movie ended in a way that perfectly wrapped up the story, you wanted them to remake the same movie, only with new people? Congratulations, all four of you are getting your wish! It turns out the cocaine pile at Sony Pictures was getting a bit small and they decided to give the MIB franchise a fresh take by redoing one-third of a series that isn't even old enough to buy cigarettes yet.

20th Century Fox, nikkytok/iStock/Getty Images
Independence Day is already on two packs a day, unfiltered, sadly.

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August 01, 2014

How Marvel Tricked You Into Seeing 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

Guardians of the Galaxy is a $170 million sci-fi action-comedy based on a comic book starring a bunch of D-list superheroes nobody gave a shit about five years ago. It's directed by James Gunn, a former Troma screenwriter best known for low-budget gorefests like Slither and Super. Two of Guardians' main characters are a talking tree and raccoon. And if this wasn't a Marvel Studios movie, Guardians would've been exiled to the Stygian wastelands of February, along with Jupiter Ascending and Texas Chainsaw Massacre $17: The Budget Is the Title. In short, it's incredible that Guardians was made.

Several Cracked writers checked out Guardians earlier this week. It's fun in that way Marvel films are, but it has the DNA of a B-movie, albeit a B-movie that Marvel has been daintily shepherding into the public consciousness for the past two years, like a Faberge egg wrapped in a tortilla of angel's laughter.

twitter.com/nyse
"Clap harder, you fool. The Disney snipers are watching."

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July 30, 2014

5 Reasons The Classic American Summer Is Totally Dead

By Mark Hill | 351,378 Views

It's almost August, folks. Has the summer of 2014 felt a little bit off to you? Not quite as good as summers past? Turns out it's not just your complete inability to enjoy anything or experience true happiness -- we've found statistical evidence that proves this summer is the worst one since "Margaritaville" was unleashed on the world.

So, just in case your summer plans weren't ruined already, let us help you expedite that process through the magic of cold, hard facts:

#5. The Teenage Summer Job Is a Thing of the Past

Remember the first summer your parents made you get a job? Sure, you thought flipping burgers at the burger-flipping factory sucked at the time, but in the end you probably appreciated the structure. The summer job is practically a rite of passage. Or, if you're a parent, it's a convenient way to get your teens out of the house for a few hours and have some loud adult fun.

AndreyPopov/iStock/Getty Images
"Finally. If had to watch that wiener we wrought screw up this level one more time ..."

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July 29, 2014

4 Ways the '50 Shades of Grey' Film Is Worse Than You Expect

By Kier Harris | 789,041 Views

The trailer for Twilight fan fiction turned inexplicable best-selling trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey debuted recently, treating us all to a glimpse of a world populated by frumpy secretaries and the Picasso-faced businessmen who have sex with them.

But because the novel, at its core, is terrible, and because Hollywood has no idea how to handle any exploration of sex that doesn't conform to a very specific road map of male domination and plot cliches, this movie isn't even going to provide the trashy fun that made the book a success in the first place.

#4. The Writing Is Terrible (Both the Script and the Source Novel)

You'd think most actors would be familiar with the amount of risque belly slapping in the book, but there's no shortage of people reading the script and bursting into fits of shocked laughter. There's a rumor that Charlie Hunnam, who was originally cast in the lead role, dropped out because he didn't like the script, and he starred in last year's Pacific Rim, which contained a character named Stacker Pentecost and a man with golden shoes.

Actress Chloe Bridges, star of the Sex and the City spinoff The Carrie Diaries, read the three pages she was given for her audition and immediately said, "I really can't do this."

Universal Studios
"I just thought it."