Quick Fixes


May 19, 2014

6 Upcoming Origin Story Movies Nobody Asked For

By David Christopher Bell | 482,016 Views

Now that the word "remake" has been remade into the word "reboot," it appears that every Hollywood executive is having the same recurring dream where males 18 to 21 suddenly forget why Superman is super. This is why every new reboot mandatorily becomes one long training montage.

And while it might be interesting to relive why RoboCop is robo, this weirdness has begun to bleed into stories that never had an origin to begin with. Not because no one got around to it, but rather because no one actually gave a shit until now.

#6. A Live-Action Rescue Rangers Origin Film Written by a Condom Commercial Director

Anyone in their late 20s fondly remembers Rescue Rangers as that TV show turned Nintendo game in which you could pick up and throw the other player across the stage just to be a dick. And so, when it came time for Disney to make the inevitable Alvin and the Chipmunks-esque live-action childhood sucker punch, the studios realized just how confused people would be if they didn't know exactly how the Rangers got those little Hawaiian shirts and bomber jackets.

Walt Disney
"I got it from Tom Selleck. Please don't ask what I had to do."


May 16, 2014

4 Bizarre Choices That Doomed 'The Amazing Spider-Man 2'

By David Christopher Bell | 520,971 Views

Two weeks in, it looks like The Amazing Spider-Man 2 won't simply be the lowest-grossing Spider-Man movie of all -- it will be even more critically detested than Spider-Man 3, a superhero movie about Toby Maguire saving New York by air-humping his way through a jazz dance solo.

A lot of the film's problems clearly stem from an abysmal script and the studio's presumption that fans would watch two hours of a blank screen as long as the words "Spider-Man" were in the title, but some of TASM2's decisions transcend the usual Hollywood apathy and border on intentional self-sabotage. Namely, the filmmakers apparently aspired to make the least rebooty reboot in reboot history.

#4. It's a Bizarre Homage to the Worst Batman Movie

After that Technicolor shart that was director Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin, every production office in the greater Los Angeles metro area framed a photo of George Clooney's bat-dong and emblazoned it with the caption "NEVER AGAIN." But instead of veering away from Batman & Robin's example -- which, oh, every superhero film has done for the past 17 years -- The Amazing Spider-Man 2 apparently celebrated it, namely the turd's villainous trio. How else do you explain these two green, venom-infused masterminds?

Columbia Pictures, Warner Bros.


May 15, 2014

4 Reasons Television Will Totally Suck in the Future

By XJ Selman | 307,488 Views

Thanks to shows like Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, and The Walking Dead, we are finally at the point our elders foretold where we actually want to watch television more than movies. The future of TV looks pretty great ... if you ignore every other trend coming with it. If we truly are living in the Golden Age of television, brace yourself to enter the ... uh, whatever the opposite of Golden Age is. Turd Era?

#4. We're About to Lose Network Neutrality, Which Ruins Competition (Especially for Streamers)

Hey, remember how Netflix's streaming service came out of practically nowhere and dominated the market simply because it was better? Guess what: That can never happen again. If the new Internet laws that are about to come into effect had existed a few years ago, Netflix's idea would have failed faster than you can spell "FCC."

"Yeah, you know me."


May 13, 2014

4 Awesome Scenes You'll Never See in the 'Star Wars' Movies

By David Christopher Bell | 380,568 Views

To prepare the world for the upcoming Star Wars sequels, Lucasfilm recently announced that it would be officially disintegrating the entire Star Wars expanded universe -- that is, every short story, novel, comic, cartoon, and video game created in the Star Wars universe over the past four decades. Considering the expanded universe is a place populated by green humanoid rabbits and talking mountains, you might not consider this a bad thing. However, there are some storylines in the expanded universe that are so impressively insane that we're honestly kind of sad we will never see them in a film.

#4. The One-Armed Snow Monster from The Empire Strikes Back Comes Back for Vengeance

The wampas are those goat-horned demon ice bears on Hoth, one of which attacks Luke Skywalker and gets its arm sliced off for its trouble (although why Luke doesn't just use his impossible laser sword to completely dismember the monster and spend the night in its cave instead of stumbling back out into the blizzard to nearly die of exposure is a mystery that will never be solved).

"If you make it through this, go study with Master Yoda, as you're clearly still a bit of a dipshit."