The Internet has pretty much turned every news outlet into a shady cocaine dealer -- constantly upping output by cutting pure, actual news with grains of fake viral stories, recycled urban legends, and unjustified mass panic.
#5. Kim Jong Un's Uncle Was Not Eaten Alive by 120 Dogs
In what was no doubt a blessed way to start the New Year, many readers opened their browser January 1 to be treated to this coffee substitute:
"Disney hurriedly scraps plot for gritty 101 Dalmatians reboot."
Deep in our hearts, we all know that there are some disgusting things going on behind closed doors in the food industry, but we try not to think about it because french fries are delicious. Judging by these four recent stories, however, it might be safer to put those fries down and just never eat anything ever again.
#4. Man Arrested for Selling Wildlife to Various Chicago Restaurants
An Indiana man named Alexander Moy was recently charged with running a one-man black market for cuddly meat, buying up the cast of Over the Hedge -- including raccoons, turtles, and deer -- and selling them to meat markets in Chicago, which would then distribute them to local restaurants, because apparently no one at any stage of food production gives one rancid shit about serving customers meat that has in no way passed any kind of quality control check.
"Is it Grade A?"
"It's a grade."
Whether you're a terrible person or the literal ghost of Mother Teresa, it's human nature to cast yourself as the fearless hero of your own life story. For the majority of us, no one cares that we think of ourselves as Martin Luther King Jr. Jr.: The Remix. But when famous people compare their (often self-made) problems to civil rights icons or soldiers during wartime, the human race's collective IQ goes into a death spiral.
#5. Illinois Congressional Candidate Compares Phil Robertson to Rosa Parks
In light of Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson's homophobic remarks and subsequent suspension from his own television show, many in the conservative Christian demographic sought to defend Robertson's "freedom of speech" and praised him for standing up for their beliefs (never mind that he was mostly talking about preferring vaginal sex to anal sex).
Jason Kempin/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"Unless it's an official Duck Dynasty butt mold, only $159 at Walmart."
If companies were people, a lot of them would be insensitive jackasses, compulsive liars, or just plain awful human beings. But we're not here to talk about those jerks. We're here to talk about corporations that are just like that guy at the park you see accidentally trick-shooting a Frisbee off a blind nun's head -- these are the schmos who manage to piss everyone off through sheer bad luck.
#5. Heineken Randomly Selects a Photo, Picks an Anti-Alcoholism Leader
When a Heineken-owned cider brand decided to put out an ad celebrating their historic benefactor, they couldn't find any pictures of the actual guy. The solution? Turn to an image bank and buy a Victorian-era photo of some other mustachioed gentleman, because who's gonna know the difference?
"He looks a little serious. Can we Photoshop him in a beer cozy hat?"