America's No. 1 holiday celebrating violence and candy is just around the corner, and this year it looks to be better than ever, as the glorious union of art and technology has given us several exciting new ways to decorate our houses for the bitchingest Halloween party in history. Provided you have, like, tons of money. Otherwise you can't afford any of this nonsense. But maybe you can score an invite from someone who can, because a party where everyone is wearing digitally amorphous face masks in front of a glowing Herculean skull is something we all deserve to attend.
#6. Greet Them With Phantom Street Shadows Using "Light Memory"
According to the Bible, the afterlife consists of either ascending into heaven, getting dragged off to hell by terrifying spectral collectors, or staying behind on Earth to have sex with Demi Moore using Whoopi Goldberg's body. While science has yet to replicate Options 1 and 3, it's doing a bang-up job at making it seem like faceless terror phantasms are a real thing.
"Fucking ghost tourists. Learn to walk."
But on the cheery side, independent and direct-to-VOD films like Snowpiercer, Boyhood, and that one where Scarlett Johansson is a naked penis fly trap are on the rise. To celebrate such, we're once again bringing you some soon-to-be-confounding low-budget films that deserve big-budget hype.
#6. Reality Is The Work Of A Madman, Starring Napoleon Dynamite
Anyone with a Netflix account has access to an 80-minute film about a sentient car tire that learns the ability to telekinetically demolish the skulls of any human it pleases. That's an understandably divisive movie that's waiting for you to watch it right now, and it's called Rubber.
"Ribbed, for her murder."
As much as it pains us to say it, Broadway is full of shit: the show must not go on. Yes, every TV series must end (except for maybe The McLaughlin Group, which we're pretty sure airs only in graveyards these days).
And when it comes to your favorite shows, over-analytical fans from all across the Internet have their theories on what amazing twists we have yet to see, a few of which are actually worth looking at. Such as:
#5. The Walking Dead: Rick Survives His Coma Because He's a Walker
In a world where dead people are reborn as mindless, flesh-eating zombies, the biggest reality stretch comes in the Walking Dead's first episode. Rick, the main not-zombie, wakes up in an abandoned hospital after a long coma. When we say "abandoned," we don't mean "everyone went home for the night save for one drunk at the switchboard" -- we mean it was fucking abandoned. Everyone's dead or undead, and it's been this way for at least two months.
So how the fuck did Rick survive? He sat there for weeks, unmolested by zombies, like a BLT in a force field. Furthermore, his IV couldn't have lasted more than a few hours, meaning he somehow went months sans food or water. Not only should he be starved, delirious, and brain-dead, he should be dead, period.
Less popular fan theory: either Rick shaved his beard while in a coma, or he is secretly 12 years old.
For most of us, eating out is a simple luxury that fulfills one simple need: to stave off starvation in the laziest way possible. But for others, eating out is a form of entertainment akin to a 1920s freakshow or the act of ogling a tuft of chin hairs on one's own grandmother.
And thankfully for those of us who simply wish to shovel in our nutrients without smoke and mirrors, these gourmands tend to pen themselves in temporary "pop-up" restaurants. Here are four new restaurants you should probably avoid, unless you consider carbohydrates and Vitamin B12 performance art.
#4. Tink's House Wants You to Get Intimate With Strangers
Tink's House in Los Angeles describes itself as "an immersive dining experience and sensory installation where the food and the environment work together to present familiar concepts in an unfamiliar way," which reads like a tacit admission that the proprietors have fuck-all to say about the quality of the food itself.
Diners are placed in a group of strangers and served four courses in four rooms with different themes: a den, a dining room, a kitchen, and a bedroom. For example, snack-like appetizers are served in the den, which is covered in sand and plays "trippy" music to suggest that you're at the beach, even though you're clearly in an apartment that's probably used to film porn and/or sell drugs in the off-hours.
"Does anyone have sunscreen? I always get burned at the beach."