Steven Seagal recently announced that he is considering running for governor of the great state of Arizona, which would make him the third 1980s action star to be given control of an entire state by a voting populace raised on VHS rentals. However, after nearly cracking a rib with suppressed laughter, we began to realize that Steven Seagal is the perfect choice for a gubernatorial candidate.
#5. He Represents Every American
Steven Seagal shatters all racial boundaries and appeals to every possible demographic simultaneously. Thanks to his shapeless, melting snowman physique and nonspecific ethnicity, Seagal has successfully portrayed a person of virtually every race and nationality -- he has been a Russian, a Native American, a Hispanic, an Italian, and a plain old white dude. He may have even been an Eskimo once. The only ethnicity he has (so far) been unable to play is African-American, although he has made several films in which he surrounds himself with black actors to try to blend in.
"See? We both fight with karate swords. We're basically twins."
There's no harm in trying to spice up your workplace with the occasional pop culture reference (when will those Office Space jokes get old, we wonder?). Unless, that is, your job happens to be in politics, where being profoundly uncool and having the pop culture savvy of a dead antelope are part of the job description. Just look at the following attempts to stay "fresh" that ended up the political equivalent of watching your grandfather rap "Informer" by Snow ...
#4. Senators and Congressmen Are Tweeting the Worst Doge Memes Ever
In terms of methods for conveying your core beliefs, memes fall somewhere between skywriting and farting through a megaphone in Morse code. Yet unfortunately, they also bear the broad tag of being "hip with all the kids." The painful result looks like this:
When you've lost Dickless Turdpusher, you've lost America.
The Internet has pretty much turned every news outlet into a shady cocaine dealer -- constantly upping output by cutting pure, actual news with grains of fake viral stories, recycled urban legends, and unjustified mass panic.
#5. Kim Jong Un's Uncle Was Not Eaten Alive by 120 Dogs
In what was no doubt a blessed way to start the New Year, many readers opened their browser January 1 to be treated to this coffee substitute:
"Disney hurriedly scraps plot for gritty 101 Dalmatians reboot."
Deep in our hearts, we all know that there are some disgusting things going on behind closed doors in the food industry, but we try not to think about it because french fries are delicious. Judging by these four recent stories, however, it might be safer to put those fries down and just never eat anything ever again.
#4. Man Arrested for Selling Wildlife to Various Chicago Restaurants
An Indiana man named Alexander Moy was recently charged with running a one-man black market for cuddly meat, buying up the cast of Over the Hedge -- including raccoons, turtles, and deer -- and selling them to meat markets in Chicago, which would then distribute them to local restaurants, because apparently no one at any stage of food production gives one rancid shit about serving customers meat that has in no way passed any kind of quality control check.
"Is it Grade A?"
"It's a grade."