For most of us, eating out is a simple luxury that fulfills one simple need: to stave off starvation in the laziest way possible. But for others, eating out is a form of entertainment akin to a 1920s freakshow or the act of ogling a tuft of chin hairs on one's own grandmother.
And thankfully for those of us who simply wish to shovel in our nutrients without smoke and mirrors, these gourmands tend to pen themselves in temporary "pop-up" restaurants. Here are four new restaurants you should probably avoid, unless you consider carbohydrates and Vitamin B12 performance art.
#4. Tink's House Wants You to Get Intimate With Strangers
Tink's House in Los Angeles describes itself as "an immersive dining experience and sensory installation where the food and the environment work together to present familiar concepts in an unfamiliar way," which reads like a tacit admission that the proprietors have fuck-all to say about the quality of the food itself.
Diners are placed in a group of strangers and served four courses in four rooms with different themes: a den, a dining room, a kitchen, and a bedroom. For example, snack-like appetizers are served in the den, which is covered in sand and plays "trippy" music to suggest that you're at the beach, even though you're clearly in an apartment that's probably used to film porn and/or sell drugs in the off-hours.
"Does anyone have sunscreen? I always get burned at the beach."
More than half of Americans older than 16 are now single, which is the first time there have been more singles than non-singles in America since the government cruelly started keeping track of that information 40 years ago. Whether it's because the current generation is terrible at relationships or just doesn't like being tied down for too long, the end result is a churning, jealous ocean of ex-boyfriends and -girlfriends posting cryptic song lyrics on Facebook and driving through their former squeezes' neighborhoods with their headlights turned off.
But thanks to 21st-century technological innovations, jilted exes now have a whole new array of methods to creepily cling to their past relationships, which is another way of saying that, in all probability, someone you used to date is putting your face on a talking robot right this second.
#4. Match.com Will Find You Someone Who Looks Like Your Ex
So let's say you just broke up with your significant other and you want to get back into the dating scene, but you're horrifically superficial. The last person you dated was a perfect physical specimen, and you don't want to let that sculpture of genetic triumph go. Luckily, Match.com has teamed up with a Los Angeles matchmaking service called Three Day Rule to make it so you don't have to, provided your new partner can be convinced to suddenly start answering to a different name like a rescue pet and doesn't mind "looks like my high school girlfriend" being at the top of the list of compatible interests ...
Goran Bogicevic/iStock/Getty Images
"OK, I'm going to call you Bunny, and you call me Emotional Robot. It's a thing we did."
Remember when the Oculus Rift was first announced, and you jokingly asked how long it would take for someone to turn it into a bizarre virtual sex helmet? Well as it turns out, the answer was "immediately." Thanks to this fabulous new piece of immersive technology, howling sexual maniacs around the world are now free to ...
#4. Kiss, Fondle, and Sleep With An Anime Character
Not all anime fans are off-putting social outcast weirdos who fantasize about having sex with cartoon characters, but all off-putting social outcast weirdos who fantasize about having sex with cartoon characters are anime fans. There's a whole subculture of lonely fetishists out there who pretend to be married to body pillows depicting animated women with eyes bigger than their waists and breasts larger than most celestial objects. Well, no longer will these poor misfits have to inappropriately cuddle decorated cushions, because virtual reality developers have been working on several new projects that will allow them to inappropriately cuddle their favorite video game systems.
First, there's Summer Lesson for the PlayStation 4's Project Morpheus headset, which seeks to authentically simulate the experience of being in a study session with a Japanese schoolgirl and leering at her chest the entire time.
Sony Computer Entertainment
If you enter the Konami code, you can unlock Chris Hansen.
It would be nice to live in a world where there's no such thing as random tragedy and where every terrible event could be linked back to a villainous puppet master via a chain of subtle but obvious clues. We don't, though. Luckily, there is a fiercely insane contingent of people who are convinced that everything is a conspiracy, and reading their hilariously daffy theories about the exhausting web of deceit hiding behind recent events can occasionally make our indiscriminately destructive existence more bearable. Here are five of the most ridiculous examples.
#5. "The Ice Bucket Challenge Is a Satanic Baptism Ritual!"
The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge obnoxiously dominated everyone's social media feeds for the entire summer, but it's hard to find fault with something that helped gather over $100 million for medical research. Unless you're a crazy person on the Internet, in which case the fault is obvious -- all the people you saw dumping cold water on their heads were actually baptizing themselves into Lucifer's infernal doom army.
If there's one way to honor the Lord of Hell, it's with buckets of ice-cold water.