But on the cheery side, independent and direct-to-VOD films like Snowpiercer, Boyhood, and that one where Scarlett Johansson is a naked penis fly trap are on the rise. To celebrate such, we're once again bringing you some soon-to-be-confounding low-budget films that deserve big-budget hype.
#6. Reality Is The Work Of A Madman, Starring Napoleon Dynamite
Anyone with a Netflix account has access to an 80-minute film about a sentient car tire that learns the ability to telekinetically demolish the skulls of any human it pleases. That's an understandably divisive movie that's waiting for you to watch it right now, and it's called Rubber.
"Ribbed, for her murder."
As much as it pains us to say it, Broadway is full of shit: the show must not go on. Yes, every TV series must end (except for maybe The McLaughlin Group, which we're pretty sure airs only in graveyards these days).
And when it comes to your favorite shows, over-analytical fans from all across the Internet have their theories on what amazing twists we have yet to see, a few of which are actually worth looking at. Such as:
#5. The Walking Dead: Rick Survives His Coma Because He's a Walker
In a world where dead people are reborn as mindless, flesh-eating zombies, the biggest reality stretch comes in the Walking Dead's first episode. Rick, the main not-zombie, wakes up in an abandoned hospital after a long coma. When we say "abandoned," we don't mean "everyone went home for the night save for one drunk at the switchboard" -- we mean it was fucking abandoned. Everyone's dead or undead, and it's been this way for at least two months.
So how the fuck did Rick survive? He sat there for weeks, unmolested by zombies, like a BLT in a force field. Furthermore, his IV couldn't have lasted more than a few hours, meaning he somehow went months sans food or water. Not only should he be starved, delirious, and brain-dead, he should be dead, period.
Less popular fan theory: either Rick shaved his beard while in a coma, or he is secretly 12 years old.
For most of us, eating out is a simple luxury that fulfills one simple need: to stave off starvation in the laziest way possible. But for others, eating out is a form of entertainment akin to a 1920s freakshow or the act of ogling a tuft of chin hairs on one's own grandmother.
And thankfully for those of us who simply wish to shovel in our nutrients without smoke and mirrors, these gourmands tend to pen themselves in temporary "pop-up" restaurants. Here are four new restaurants you should probably avoid, unless you consider carbohydrates and Vitamin B12 performance art.
#4. Tink's House Wants You to Get Intimate With Strangers
Tink's House in Los Angeles describes itself as "an immersive dining experience and sensory installation where the food and the environment work together to present familiar concepts in an unfamiliar way," which reads like a tacit admission that the proprietors have fuck-all to say about the quality of the food itself.
Diners are placed in a group of strangers and served four courses in four rooms with different themes: a den, a dining room, a kitchen, and a bedroom. For example, snack-like appetizers are served in the den, which is covered in sand and plays "trippy" music to suggest that you're at the beach, even though you're clearly in an apartment that's probably used to film porn and/or sell drugs in the off-hours.
"Does anyone have sunscreen? I always get burned at the beach."
More than half of Americans older than 16 are now single, which is the first time there have been more singles than non-singles in America since the government cruelly started keeping track of that information 40 years ago. Whether it's because the current generation is terrible at relationships or just doesn't like being tied down for too long, the end result is a churning, jealous ocean of ex-boyfriends and -girlfriends posting cryptic song lyrics on Facebook and driving through their former squeezes' neighborhoods with their headlights turned off.
But thanks to 21st-century technological innovations, jilted exes now have a whole new array of methods to creepily cling to their past relationships, which is another way of saying that, in all probability, someone you used to date is putting your face on a talking robot right this second.
#4. Match.com Will Find You Someone Who Looks Like Your Ex
So let's say you just broke up with your significant other and you want to get back into the dating scene, but you're horrifically superficial. The last person you dated was a perfect physical specimen, and you don't want to let that sculpture of genetic triumph go. Luckily, Match.com has teamed up with a Los Angeles matchmaking service called Three Day Rule to make it so you don't have to, provided your new partner can be convinced to suddenly start answering to a different name like a rescue pet and doesn't mind "looks like my high school girlfriend" being at the top of the list of compatible interests ...
Goran Bogicevic/iStock/Getty Images
"OK, I'm going to call you Bunny, and you call me Emotional Robot. It's a thing we did."