Quick Fixes

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March 21, 2014

4 More News Stories Straight Out of 'The X-Files'

By Hillery Alley | 267,221 Views

In that 1990s creepshow known as The X-Files, straight-laced FBI agents became entwined in scenarios so paranormal that only the barely usable letter "X" could describe them. (Presumably an earlier title, The Wuh? Files, was rejected by focus groups.) And every once in a new blood moon, the real world news ends up mimicking those old episodes ...

#4. A Human Skull Is Found in San Francisco ... On a Paper Plate

Imagine you're hiking in the park and the sun is shining and the birds are singing and something catches your eye and SWEET CORN ON THE COB, ARE THOSE FUCKING BONES?

ratmaner/iStock/Getty Images
"As long as it's not a masturbating hobo, I'll call today a win."

Article

March 20, 2014

4 Steps To Make Sure 'Batman vs. Superman' Isn't Terrible

By Cyriaque Lamar | 234,526 Views

Jeremy Irons -- aka the human form that Scar the lion assumes when he skin-walks as a celebrated English thespian -- just admitted that he has yet to read the script of Batman vs. Superman because it isn't done yet. This is strange, as Irons has already signed on to play Bruce Wayne's manservant Alfred Pennyworth, and you'd really think he'd want to know just how many full-frontal scenes Alf's on the hook for.

Avda/Wikimedia Commons
"Bosh, I don't care. Lions are naked 24/7."

Article

March 18, 2014

4 Signs That 2014 Is a Shitty Year for Women in Hollywood

By David Christopher Bell | 289,853 Views

Look, we get why female characters are underrepresented in Hollywood: It's not like movies with women as protagonists make huge amounts of money, or win lots of awards, or both.

Warner Bros., Lionsgate Films, Universal Studios, Summit Entertainment, Walt Disney, Columbia Pictures
And it's not like women buy more movie tickets than men.

Oh. But wait, how can we say that Hollywood is still all about dicks if all those hit movies shown above are fairly recent? Surely things are looking up now that it's been proven that women can write, produce, direct, and star in big blockbusters, right? Nope. In fact, they're only getting worse, because ...

#4. Their Clothing Is Progressively Getting Skimpier (Even if They're Teenagers)

As a nation, we love boobs. That's totally fine, but unless the character is a tri-bosomed mutant prostitute on Mars, boobs aren't always necessary to things like the plot and character development. For example, we're pretty sure that 30 percent of all female characters in 2012 weren't temptresses, despite that being the percentage of women in 2012 appearing on film in revealing clothing -- the highest it had been in five years. We're guessing 2013 didn't do much better, considering it was the year when the latest Star Trek and Die Hard sequels looked like this:

Paramount Pictures, 20th Century Fox
Women did get a peek at Jonah Hill's fake dong in Wolf of Wall Street.

Article

March 17, 2014

4 Viral Videos That Were Really Ads in Disguise

By XJ Selman | 323,139 Views

The Internet is full of nasty people shouting about which overpriced console is better and advertisers trying to sell you shit, but every once in a while, something amazing happens: out of nowhere comes an image, a video, or a song so genuine and interesting that we all stop the mindless screaming for a second to share this wonderful creation with one another. You just can't buy that type of magic.

Wait, yes, you totally can -- and in fact, all of the following viral sensations were just paid ads, trying to sell you shit.

#4. Ellen's Oscar Selfie Was Samsung Product Placement

Ellen DeGeneres' famous Oscar selfie is the reason why you'll always be able to say "Ah, yes, this was taken in 2014" while browsing family photos -- it was the moment that introduced your older relatives to the concept of taking a dumb picture of yourself with a phone. The photo, depicting a dozen or so famous people spontaneously pressed together and smiling like teenagers at the mall, was taken during the Academy Awards broadcast and shared by over 3 million people, breaking all of Twitter's records (and also their servers).

twitter.com/TheEllenShow
"Wow, they're just like normal people! Self-centered and wrinkly up close!"