As KISS once pointed out, firearms are like genitals -- they're deserving of respect, but disastrous when nonchalantly flaunted in public. It's basic common sense to be on alert when handling a gun, which is why -- for the sake of evolution -- we can only hope the following people use their genitals way less casually than they use their firearms.
#4. State Representative Who Fired Gun in Capitol Building: "It Happens"
While most annoying office employees are satisfied with tuna sandwiches and/or "discreet" on-the-clock phone sex, Kentucky State Representative Leslie Combs took it to the next level when she accidentally fired off a shot right in front of a colleague while unloading her gun in the state's Capitol annex office.
"Oh, what a crazy accident ... Say, are you still voting against that bill I proposed?"
Our world is full of things no one can explain, from mysterious ancient artifacts to really, really basic stuff we totally should have figured out by now. But once in a while, we do find an answer to one of these fascinating mysteries, and that answer is "just plain old stupid bullshit." Here are four intriguing questions that should've remained unanswered (or just four unnecessarily elaborate cover-ups that prove the government has a sense of whimsy).
#4. "River of Blood" Turns Out to Be an Ink Spill
In late December, residents of the English village of Moulton were left somewhat confused and extremely creeped out when they woke up one morning and found that their local brook had been stained with the blood-red shades of murder. Or murders, because seriously, that's a fuckload of red.
"Ugh, the Overlook's septic tank broke again."
Winter is that magical time of the year when our planet harnesses everything from falling ice knives to the very air itself in a crazy-eyed attempt to murder every last one of you sons of bitches. And this winter, the mad season's expanded its arsenal of frozen water with enough weirdo weather patterns to make a White Walker's head spin.
#7. Lake Michigan Is Spewing Ice Balls
Glen Arbor Artisans
At least we hope that's ice.
If the pictures above are to be believed, there's an amazing chance God is using this entire polar vortex spiel to make himself a giant bowl of lake-flavored Cocoa Puffs, and the shores of Lake Michigan are providing the makings of a nutritious breakfast.
As waves hit the beach, they break off ice sheets from the shore, then roll the chunks back into the lake's icy grip. It's that rolling action that turns the ice into balls, kind of like when you used to roll your boogers into balls before flicking them at someone. Only this is hundreds of ice boogers, and Jack Frost is the one making them.
Steven Seagal recently announced that he is considering running for governor of the great state of Arizona, which would make him the third 1980s action star to be given control of an entire state by a voting populace raised on VHS rentals. However, after nearly cracking a rib with suppressed laughter, we began to realize that Steven Seagal is the perfect choice for a gubernatorial candidate.
#5. He Represents Every American
Steven Seagal shatters all racial boundaries and appeals to every possible demographic simultaneously. Thanks to his shapeless, melting snowman physique and nonspecific ethnicity, Seagal has successfully portrayed a person of virtually every race and nationality -- he has been a Russian, a Native American, a Hispanic, an Italian, and a plain old white dude. He may have even been an Eskimo once. The only ethnicity he has (so far) been unable to play is African-American, although he has made several films in which he surrounds himself with black actors to try to blend in.
"See? We both fight with karate swords. We're basically twins."