Most of us are probably aware of people like Phoenix Jones, who dress up like superheroes and patrol the night looking for crime and/or collecting aggravated assault charges.
However, as several recent news stories have demonstrated, sometimes people put on superhero costumes with absolutely no intention of fighting crime and wind up saving the day anyway.
#4. Woman Dressed as Wonder Woman Is Attacked by Transient, Rescued by Guy Dressed as Superman
Last week, a man and a woman dressed up as Superman and Wonder Woman (respectively) were out on Hollywood Boulevard filming a segment for Jimmy Kimmel Live wherein they dumped buckets of water on a Polish tourist.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
As one does.
Maybe you were too focused on the crisis in Syria or Dennis Rodman's latest diplomatic mission, but as of late in our world of shitty news there has been a throng of stories of people running afoul of absolutely massive piles of butt fudge.
And it is our duty (hey-yo!) as responsible purveyors of sentences on the Internet to keep you informed of such matters. Here's a bracing squirt of news you will never, ever be able to use. We apologize if you never feel clean again.
#4. Disgruntled Man Fills Ex-Wife's Hot Tub With Gallons of Feces
Rene Daniel from Montreal had just been served divorce papers by his wife. Instead of trying to settle the matter like an adult or just move on with his life, he came up with a novel cure for his heartbreak: a poop cauldron.
We're pretty sure that's not what the "double, double" thing was referring to.
Although the Founding Fathers tried to make the Constitution flexible enough to deal with unforeseen future exigencies, there's some shit they couldn't possibly have imagined -- namely, constitutional issues involving underwear or computers or the act of looking at people without underwear on computers. And because Ben Franklin failed to predict the Internet, we're now dealing with constitutional debates such as ...
#4. Should Schoolteachers Be Required to Wear Underwear?
Teachers going commando is apparently such a problem for a Little Rock school district that they've had to implement a dress code specifically requiring teachers to at least put on a G-string when they come to work. However, the code also specifies that the cut and style of the underwear can't be discernible through the clothing, so how they plan on making sure nobody's freeballing on the sly is unclear.
Jetta Productions/Lifesize/Getty Images
Don't worry; he's wearing a bra.
As we recently discussed, the media have a troubling habit of scooping up tin jars of magic powder from Internet snake oil salesmen and selling it to the rest of the world as irrefutable fact without bothering to do a quick check on Google search to see if the story they're reprinting is a thunderous chunk of total bullshit. Here are four more gems of completely unsubstantiated "news" items getting blindly reprinted by normally reputable news sources.
#4. There Isn't an Epidemic of Fake Pregnancy Tests (At Least There Wasn't)
According to countless major news sources of varying esteem, ladies across America have begun selling positive used pregnancy tests on Craigslist for $25 to $30 a pop to fellow jezebels looking to trick people into thinking they are pregnant for a few weeks. Each source simply reprinted the story with incredulous outrage rather than trying to determine whether it was actually true, because we apparently don't need things like "data" and "evidence" to tell us that women are ridiculous and will do anything for attention.
Unsurprisingly, a quick Craigslist search in three of the biggest cities in America revealed that the sale of used pregnancy tests is in no way a blazing new trend by any stretch of the imagination:
Not even in weirder parts of "Casual Encounters."