Mark Twain once famously said that "A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes." In that spirit, here's another attempt to give the truth a head start by violently tackling the sprinting bullshit smearing your news feed ... starting with the fact that Mark Twain never said that quote.
And because easily avoidable fake articles never rest (and neither do we), we've opted to supersize your dubious news intake. Enjoy! (Or maybe despair for the state of the media for a while, and then enjoy.)
#7. Relax, Taking Naps Is Not Going to Kill You
It's time to set your coffee makers to "pod people prevention," because it turns out that your next nap ... might be your last!
For celebrities, Twitter can be a fantastic way to connect with enthusiastic fans and promote upcoming projects. It can also be a smashing means to showcase the fact that you are losing your mind, 140 characters at a time. Just who are we talking about?
#3. Frankie Muniz Hates Scorpions
We all know what happened to Bryan Cranston when Malcolm in the Middle went off the air. But what about Malcolm himself, Frankie Muniz? You'd expect the former child star to be either swimming in a cornucopia of luxury narcotics or spending his millions indulging in arts and cultures. And that's exactly what's going on, if by "luxury narcotics" you mean "pastries" ...
"I did five lines of confectioners' sugar last night."
As we've pointed out before, it's not uncommon for different people in the entertainment industry to come up with the exact same crazy specific idea at the exact same time, possibly because they're all on the exact same cocaine/Red Bull combo.
That certainly seems to be the case with the current crop of new TV shows, some of which might make you wonder how they got greenlit once, let alone multiple times. Get ready to have your face-eyes repeatedly assaulted with premises like ...
#4. There Are Four Reality TV Shows About Magicians Coming
Hey, kids -- do you like magicians? We hope you do, because for some reason there are four freaking upcoming reality shows about these assholes. The first, which already aired its pilot on SyFy, is a Project Runway-style competition called Wizard Wars. Sadly that's "wars" in the Bride Wars sense and not the "making them actually kill each other" one. A similar show called Surprise Me, which has surprisingly already proved a hit with the usually unflappable Russia, will also be coming soon to the U.S. Both are about magicians competing in front of celebrity judges.
Amateur magician Vladimir Putin won the first season by making gay rights disappear.
Apart from promising a solid two minutes of flashing neon laser ship battles and Channing Tatum flipping around like a meth angel trapeze cat, the trailer for the upcoming Wachowski apology letter Jupiter Ascending doesn't make any effort to tell us what the movie is going to be about. Strobe lights and impossible acrobatics are a staple of every Wachowski film and could guarantee anything from a game-changing science fiction opera to bald Natalie Portman or Hugh Grant in tribal makeup. So the question on everyone's mind is: WILL IT BE TERRIBLE?
#4. The Action: The Matrix, but Not The Matrix Revolutions
One of the most egregious betrayals of The Matrix Revolutions was pushing aside the wire stunts and Bullet Time camera rigs of the original film in favor of digital doubles pinwheeling through the air like George Lucas' traveling circus.
While there's no absolute guarantee that Jupiter Ascending won't ride the same CGI Hindenburg into oblivion, both Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum have mentioned the production's extensive use of wire stunts -- meaning that while we're still going to get emotionless sex puppets doing air ballet in slow motion, we can at least be assured that they will be human emotionless sex puppets and not CGI constructs.
They're even letting Channing use his real ears in this.