Last week, a softcore Nazi anime porn card game called Barbarossa debuted on Kickstarter, because some maniac courageously dared to ask "What if the Germans had invaded the Soviet Union with breasts instead of tanks?"
Yes, that's what will defeat the Russian winter this time around. Less clothes.
The game is "set in a fictional Second World War setting in which cute German military girls rush against Moscow to defeat the evil magician Stalin." Basically, it's a reimagining of World War II if everyone involved was an absurdly sexualized anime girl. Also, you play as the Nazis. Here's Hitler (dubbed "Li'l Fuhrer," because historical context so often takes the fun right out of desperate erections):
"Mein kampf is trying to squeeze into this top."
Getting your house robbed may suck balls, but you can always take solace in the fact that while a thief took all of your precious shit, at least they left behind the important things, like sanity and reassurance that you live in a rational world. That isn't always the case.
What we're saying is this: The next time you come home to some dude with a pantyhose face bagging your Blu-ray player, shake his hand -- because at least you aren't coming home to something inexplicable, like ...
#4. A Plus-Size Orgy
We know what you're wondering: Do we mean "plus-size orgy" as in an orgy with a lot of guests or an orgy solely composed of plus-size people?
In the case of Manhattan resident Ari Teman, we actually mean both. Teman used Airbnb, a popular website that lets people rent out their apartment via a system of referrals and ratings. So when Teman saw a man named David with good renter reviews looking for a place to host his relatives for a family wedding, he probably figured it was a safe bet. What he didn't know was that David was the organizer of this delightful event:
Orgy Etiquette: If you're going to hold one at someone's home, it's polite to invite them.
The world is so filled with actual human grotesqueries to sort through that the news really shouldn't have to make shit up -- and yet here we are. Unfortunately for the news-savvy (but fortunately for our infinity-part series), there's nothing the media love more than a story that seems too good to be true ... because it isn't. And so, here is the very latest in primo bullshit that someone stamped "news" and sent through the Internet chute.
#4. FOX Didn't Censor the "Only" Mention of Evolution on Cosmos
Here's a little something to stretch your indignant scoff muscles:
While the average person may watch maybe 25 minutes of a given news channel per day, some of those networks are on 24/7 and have to constantly come up with programming to keep their impossible dream of around-the-clock reporting afloat. It can be a daunting task, which is why it quickly becomes hilariously apparent when the news has absolutely nothing left to talk about.
#4. News Station Bases Entire Report on a Facebook Post ... About a Fake Monster
A local news station in Cuba, New Mexico, recently spent two entire minutes talking about a blurry photograph of a carnival monster that had reportedly been seen wandering around the open highway, because there was quite literally nothing else going on in Cuba, New Mexico, that day.
"They say the beast strikes at victims with a combination of Pilates and yoga."