The world of science fiction promised us everything from cancer-detecting capsules to flesh-healing lasers. But as our resources finally met our imagination, the one thing we never counted on was the enduring fact that the human body is, like, really gross.
The result? Jetsons-style gee-whiz technology that was seemingly invented by David Cronenberg. Remember, the following devices may someday save your soon-to-be disgusted existence ...
#4. Robot Asses for Prostate Exam Training
Butt-checking is an important medical procedure that every man over 40 needs to have done annually to detect a very serious medical condition, but that doesn't really make it any less funny. In fact, thanks to technology, it's actually going the other way, humor-wise:
"Bend over, Mr. Babar."
Technology changes at a breakneck pace, but we can get a sneak preview of the future using the magical time portal that is the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. So what are today's tech giants cooking up for the next generation?
Judging from the following patents, the answer is "a bunch of wacky bullshit bound to make us look less like RoboCop and more like that ghastly Steve Urkel robot from Family Matters."
#4. Sony Dreams of Smart Wigs
Tech companies are really getting into the "wearable computing" trend lately, what with Samsung's smartwatch and Google Glass. But the brain trust at Sony is blazing into tomorrow with their scheme to design smart wigs for elderly gadget aficionados.
"Comes in Kirk or Uhura."
The "reblogging" culture we live in has made it such that people will believe any story with a photo and a caption, like an asshole quoting trivia from a cocktail napkin as if he just read it from a science textbook. And disturbingly enough, this trend has been steadily seeping into websites that are supposed to report actual news, not just whimsical Photoshops.
#4. Time Magazine Doesn't Think to Question Lamborghini Bear
Recently, a photo of a bear in a Lamborghini made it to the front page of Reddit with no official sourcing or documentation explaining how or why this came to be.
The explanation is simple -- that bear is obviously too drunk to drive.
Despite the fact that we are nearly done with the year 2013, there are still some companies that A) think that social media is a thing very few people pay attention to and B) are content to hire teenage interns and/or burgeoning sociopaths to maintain their online presence.
#5. Biology Online Asks a Blogger if She's an "Urban Whore"
Danielle Lee, a biologist who blogs under the handle the Urban Scientist for Scientific American, received an email last month from Biology Online, a science website offering her the irresistible opportunity to write things for them for free. When Lee politely declined, citing that she (like most people) really needs to get paid in exchange for her work, Biology Online oh-so-professionally responded by calling her a whore.
Not an exaggeration. That is literally what they said.