Right now, 65 percent of Americans are scared shitless that they'll get Ebola. Or 40 percent, or 19 percent, depending on which bullshit poll you're paying attention to -- geez, it's almost as if the news is blatantly exaggerating this situation just for clicks! But the Fourth Estate would never sink so low, right?
Actually, it already has. As our infinity-part series continues to point out, certain news sites remain at a steady 100 percent in terms of being completely up their own asses. That's how everyone you know ends up sharing bogus headlines like ...
#7. Science Didn't Just Create a Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak
A couple times a year, news sites will start dusting off their best Harry Potter references to announce that, finally, science has discovered the key to total invisibility. Of course, it's always bull- HOLY SHIT THEY DID IT! THEY REALLY DID IT THIS TIME!
"Eat shit, magic!" -Science
With Ebola panic hitting the international media with the intensity of a hundred celebrity nip-slips, people around the world have naturally started asking themselves questions like, "Is my family safe from Ebola?" and, "How can I ride this flood of diseased body fluids until I'm filthy rich?"
We've already talked about how Ebola probably isn't going to take off in America, but it turns out we're already infected with a much more widespread virus: shameless opportunism. That's why we're seeing Ebola-related commercial ventures like ...
#5. Cam'ron Is Selling His Official Anti-Ebola Mask
Cam'ron is a rapper best known for hating the letter "E" and "Hey Ma," which is the greatest mediocre rap song of all time. Anyway, last week Mr. 'ron took that e-hatred to its logical extreme when he started selling an anti-Ebola mask that he created.
"And be sure to get my Cam'ron Con'doms for those STDs, too."
If you've ever tried to carve a jack-o'-lantern, only to have the end result look like Swamp Thing's asshole, keep your chin up! It could be worse. You could be Cracked writer Chris Rio, whom we asked to gouge the faces of increasingly E-list celebrities into pumpkins using increasingly shitty stencils printed off the Internet for the express purpose of squash mirth.
(DISCLAIMER: None of these pumpkins were digitally altered, nor is Chris a world-renowned gourd artist.)
#5. Sylvester Stallone
I started my adventure by choosing a modest 20-pounder from my local pumpkin store, one with a significantly flatter side to make it a bit easier. I laid it out on my trash-bag table and eyed it as Michelangelo did the marble that would become David, in that I suddenly had the urge to cut a tiny dick out of it.
Since I forgot to buy an actual pumpkin-carving kit, I improvised with some nearby kitchen tools, and also a wine corker, because there was no way this was happening without drinking.
Look, dad, it was dental school or this.
America's No. 1 holiday celebrating violence and candy is just around the corner, and this year it looks to be better than ever, as the glorious union of art and technology has given us several exciting new ways to decorate our houses for the bitchingest Halloween party in history. Provided you have, like, tons of money. Otherwise you can't afford any of this nonsense. But maybe you can score an invite from someone who can, because a party where everyone is wearing digitally amorphous face masks in front of a glowing Herculean skull is something we all deserve to attend.
#6. Greet Them With Phantom Street Shadows Using "Light Memory"
According to the Bible, the afterlife consists of either ascending into heaven, getting dragged off to hell by terrifying spectral collectors, or staying behind on Earth to have sex with Demi Moore using Whoopi Goldberg's body. While science has yet to replicate Options 1 and 3, it's doing a bang-up job at making it seem like faceless terror phantasms are a real thing.
"Fucking ghost tourists. Learn to walk."