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October 14, 2014

4 Technologies That Let Stalkers Have Virtual Sex With You

By XJ Selman | 274,711 Views

More than half of Americans older than 16 are now single, which is the first time there have been more singles than non-singles in America since the government cruelly started keeping track of that information 40 years ago. Whether it's because the current generation is terrible at relationships or just doesn't like being tied down for too long, the end result is a churning, jealous ocean of ex-boyfriends and -girlfriends posting cryptic song lyrics on Facebook and driving through their former squeezes' neighborhoods with their headlights turned off.

But thanks to 21st-century technological innovations, jilted exes now have a whole new array of methods to creepily cling to their past relationships, which is another way of saying that, in all probability, someone you used to date is putting your face on a talking robot right this second.

#4. Match.com Will Find You Someone Who Looks Like Your Ex

So let's say you just broke up with your significant other and you want to get back into the dating scene, but you're horrifically superficial. The last person you dated was a perfect physical specimen, and you don't want to let that sculpture of genetic triumph go. Luckily, Match.com has teamed up with a Los Angeles matchmaking service called Three Day Rule to make it so you don't have to, provided your new partner can be convinced to suddenly start answering to a different name like a rescue pet and doesn't mind "looks like my high school girlfriend" being at the top of the list of compatible interests ...

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"OK, I'm going to call you Bunny, and you call me Emotional Robot. It's a thing we did."

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October 12, 2014

4 Video Games For Those With Really Specific Sexual Fetishes

By XJ Selman | 297,387 Views

Remember when the Oculus Rift was first announced, and you jokingly asked how long it would take for someone to turn it into a bizarre virtual sex helmet? Well as it turns out, the answer was "immediately." Thanks to this fabulous new piece of immersive technology, howling sexual maniacs around the world are now free to ...

#4. Kiss, Fondle, and Sleep With An Anime Character

Not all anime fans are off-putting social outcast weirdos who fantasize about having sex with cartoon characters, but all off-putting social outcast weirdos who fantasize about having sex with cartoon characters are anime fans. There's a whole subculture of lonely fetishists out there who pretend to be married to body pillows depicting animated women with eyes bigger than their waists and breasts larger than most celestial objects. Well, no longer will these poor misfits have to inappropriately cuddle decorated cushions, because virtual reality developers have been working on several new projects that will allow them to inappropriately cuddle their favorite video game systems.

First, there's Summer Lesson for the PlayStation 4's Project Morpheus headset, which seeks to authentically simulate the experience of being in a study session with a Japanese schoolgirl and leering at her chest the entire time.

Sony Computer Entertainment
If you enter the Konami code, you can unlock Chris Hansen.

Article

October 10, 2014

5 Conspiracy Theories That Are So Dumb They're Brilliant

By Adam Wears | 586,095 Views

It would be nice to live in a world where there's no such thing as random tragedy and where every terrible event could be linked back to a villainous puppet master via a chain of subtle but obvious clues. We don't, though. Luckily, there is a fiercely insane contingent of people who are convinced that everything is a conspiracy, and reading their hilariously daffy theories about the exhausting web of deceit hiding behind recent events can occasionally make our indiscriminately destructive existence more bearable. Here are five of the most ridiculous examples.

#5. "The Ice Bucket Challenge Is a Satanic Baptism Ritual!"

The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge obnoxiously dominated everyone's social media feeds for the entire summer, but it's hard to find fault with something that helped gather over $100 million for medical research. Unless you're a crazy person on the Internet, in which case the fault is obvious -- all the people you saw dumping cold water on their heads were actually baptizing themselves into Lucifer's infernal doom army.

timetowakeupnews.wordpress.com
If there's one way to honor the Lord of Hell, it's with buckets of ice-cold water.

Article

October 09, 2014

How to Fix 'The Walking Dead' in One Easy Step

By Adam Tod Brown, Megan Vance | 218,350 Views

While a spinoff of the highly successful series The Walking Dead has been rumored for years, it was finally confirmed when AMC recently ordered a pilot. Though the creators have released some vague tidbits on the cast of characters, they've been tight-lipped on the location, only stating that, while this series will be in the same post-apocalyptic universe (no way!), it will not be set in the same state as the companion series, which takes place in the most soul-crushingly boring part of Georgia imaginable.

walkingdead.wikia.com
Which is wherever these people are.

That sounds like a joke, because it is, but it's also completely true and a gigantic problem for this show. Starting out with their sights set on Atlanta was great, immediately giving up and fleeing to the woods to talk things out for eternity, at least from an entertainment standpoint, has turned out far less great, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. You can only hide so many places in rural Georgia, as it turns out, and most of those places are barns or abandoned houses.

YouTube
Reminder: The kids on this show are the worst.