Quick Fixes

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November 19, 2014

3 Ways the Pumpkin Spice Craze Is Creepier Than You Think

By David Christopher Bell | 245,369 Views

Pumpkin spice-flavored everything has become such an "outrageous" pop culture staple that we could create an entire list solely made up of other rubber-stamped lists about "crazy pumpkin-flavored products" (like this, this, this, this, this, and this). And yet, the trend doesn't appear to be tapering off. Why is that?

Obviously, it's time for someone to carve the lid off this once and for all. So sit back and allow us to take you down the festive-smelling rabbit hole ...

#3. Pumpkin Is a Made-Up Flavor (That Has Nothing to Do With Pumpkins)

True story: pumpkins actually taste like nature's cardboard -- a collection of seeds and mucus wrapped in an impossible shell of inedible sadness. Once a year we carve them to look like fear, but other than that there's basically no reason for them to exist.


Melty-faced Stallone-o'-lantern wholeheartedly agrees.

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November 18, 2014

3 Ways 'Dumb and Dumber To' Proves Nostalgia Is Dead

By Tom Reimann | 284,148 Views

Dumb and Dumber To opened on Friday, marking the 20th anniversary of the first movie, which came out at a time when many of my Internet comedy peers and I were in middle school. The original Dumb and Dumber was an important film for a lot of us, because it taught us that even the most basic concept (two dumb guys on a road trip) can be perfectly executed with the right cast and team of writers.

It's also one of those things that was a product of its time -- we've been fine with just the one Dumb and Dumber movie for the past two decades, and the Farrelly brothers haven't done much in the intervening years to prove that we should be excited for them to revisit their masterpiece. Nobody saw Hall Pass and thought, "Wow, they should really get going on a There's Something About Mary sequel while they've still got the magic."

New Line Cinema
"Actually, nobody saw Hall Pass period."

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November 16, 2014

6 Stupid Internet Beauty Tips We Actually Tested

By Evan V. Symon | 310,449 Views

At this point in human history, most of us are now hard-wired to either A) distrust what we read on Internet or B) distrust what we read on the Internet and shout profanity at the screen. But one topic that still turns us into slack-jawed marks at an 1800s snake oil show are "lifehacks," those time-saving tips and tricks that range from handy (the pain of a paper cut can be stopped with chapstick) to unmitigated clusterfucks.

We asked long-suffering Cracked writer Evan Symon to dive back into the fetid crevasse where stupid Internet lifehacks go to spawn and die, and return with six potential stinkers to test on his own body. What bad ideas did he dredge up?

#6. Using Peanut Butter As Shaving Cream

For the everyday shaver, if you run out of shaving cream, you just use a dab of soap. It's not entirely satisfactory, but it works in a pinch. BUT WHAT IF YOU RUN OUT OF SOAP? According to Examiner.com, peanut butter makes for a more than serviceable price-conscious replacement (for shaving your face, not scrubbing your junk). To test this, I grew enough facial hair to look like a Seattle barista circa 1992 and then slathered my face with a veritable "glop" of peanut butter.


Or "a "diarrhea of" depending on your bathroom lighting.

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November 14, 2014

4 Signs the New 'Terminator' Movie Is Doomed

By David Christopher Bell | 310,781 Views

Eleven years ago, the world had two good Terminator movies. Then the franchise stopped being self-aware. Millions died in nuclear fire sat through a film about an evil cyborg with a boob job. The survivors called it "unnecessary." In 2015, the studio machine will try again.

Yes, next July, we're getting the fifth Terminator film, the abysmally-titled Terminator Genisys. And according to early indicators, this movie sounds so monumentally terrible that it will bury this dead horse of a franchise so deep in the ground that it'll hit the molten mantle and give us a flaming thumbs-up.

TriStar Pictures
While we give it the flaming middle finger.