Seeing as how that kid was faking his vacation to Heaven, it looks like "Hey, let's stop reporting made-up stuff as news" clearly wasn't among the media's resolutions this year. That's OK, though, because just like in 2014 we'll be here standing between you and the bullshit of the world like some kind of incredulous Batman (but, you know, real). It's time to continue our forever-part series calling out the various twaddle the media wants you to sop, starting with the fact that ...
#6. The "1 in 3 College Men Said They'd Rape" Study Was Based on a Survey of 73 People
You probably saw this highly clickable headline just above a heated, 237-comment debate between your friend from high school and a distant uncle on Facebook:
By comment 150, it devolved into a series of female pop-star eye-roll GIFs.
Corporate social media blunders are the gifts that keep on giving. When inexperienced interns, technologically inept employees, thoughtless social media managers, or people who just flat-out don't give a shit about their jobs are put in charge of the company Twitter account with thousands of followers, excruciating magic is inevitable.
#6. Government Contractor Tweets Drunken Texts
Look, sometimes you have to have a few drinks after a hard week on the job. Cracked and Cracked's walk-in beer fridge understand that more than most. But if you work for, say, Booz Allen Hamilton, a management firm that consults for America's security and defense contractors, you might want to be a little careful with how you go about it. If for no other reason than to prevent endless "Booz Allen? More like BOOZE Allen! LOL!" comments.
The next seven texts are just "CHUG!"
Now that American movie theater attendance is at its lowest since the days of Waterworld and Judge Dredd (the one with Stallone), alphabetically labyrinthine home theater products like VOD on 4K 3D UHD TVs can finally reign supreme. The only decision you have to make is which assortment of letters will provide you with the best viewing of Hard Rain that money can buy.
To help, we sent a team to this year's Consumer Electronics Show to find the newest HD innovations in gaming, television, and heinous pornography. Our efforts found that the TVs of the future are less like a technographic wall of blinding progress and more like a Sisyphean mountain of eternal madness.
#5. For Starters, There's a Huge Chance Your New TV Will Be Obsolete in a Year
Back in the days when The Cosby Show hadn't been recontextualized as the opening credits sequence from Se7en, Americans got their entertainment on unspeakably heavy cathode ray tube (or CRT) televisions that received broadcasts using something called NTSC encoding. It was basically a way to streamline how video was recorded and aired by standardizing the format. In the rest of the world this format was called PAL or SECAM -- once again affirming the United States' desire to be its own special little island when it comes to standardized units.
"The Metric system is a fad." -America
Remember when the announcement of a new sequel to your favorite movie made you go, "Oh cool," instead of, "STOP MURDERING MY CHILDHOOD, YOU ASSHOLES"? We barely do either. The lesson has been learned by now that for every Godfather II, The Empire Strikes Back, or Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj, there are dozens of half-assed cash grabs by movie executives who see sequels as the path of least resistance to their next caviar-powered Bugatti.
And, as improbable as it sounds, it's about to get much worse. Proving that there's no franchise out there that Hollywood is unwilling to defile and befoul, here's what's being explosively shat out as we speak:
#5. The Rocky Spinoff About Apollo Creed's Grandson
If you absolutely must do a movie based on a non-Rocky character from the Rocky franchise, we'd personally recommend either a Clubber Lang or Ivan Drago origin prequel (or maybe a combination where they meet/fall in love/fight crime). MGM has other plans: they've already greenlit a spinoff about Apollo Creed ... 's pampered grandson. It's going to be called Creed, appropriately enough, and star Michael B. Jordan, who's already a seasoned veteran of ill-conceived franchise revamps.
FilmDistrict, United Artists
To be fair, the nipple resemblance is uncanny.