Over the past few weeks, several major fast food chains have introduced new and visually disgusting additions to their morning menus, prompting what experts are calling the "breakfast wars." Why? Because apparently there is $10 billion to be made off of Americans who can't crack their own eggs in the morning.
Clearly, we had to see what the fuss was about, so we sent one lucky researcher to find out which is the least of three evils: the stalwart (McDonald's Egg White Delight McMuffin), the faux elite (Starbucks Bacon and Gouda Sandwich), or the crazy-eyed, shit-stained new kid (Taco Bell Sausage Waffle Taco)? Remember, whoever wins, society loses.
#1. Which Breakfast Is Ugliest?
If you've started your day by shouting about food out a car window, you're not expecting the "Mona Lisa" on a plate. I get that. But at some point, you've got to ask yourself this hard question: "How revolting is the food I'm wolfing down as I drive this vehicle to work?"
McDonald's Egg White Delight McMuffin
At first glance, the Egg White Delight McMuffin looks like McDonald's is making a solid effort at offering healthy breakfast food. Sure, there's bacon involved, but it's Canadian, so it's healthier. It's not until you look closer that you realize those egg whites look like someone fried up some Elmer's Glue and stuck it in a bun.
"Technically, we're still being honest about not using horse meat."
Take it apart and each new layer looks like a different stage of human decomposition.
"I am become death. Destroyer of stomach linings."
Maybe it's general laziness. Maybe it's some profound cultural tunnel vision brought on by the click-drunk Internet. In any case, it's screamingly obvious that the media have an amazing ability to completely forget the shit they reported just a few years earlier.
Don't believe us? Take a look at three recent news cycles that, when you step back for a moment and dig through the headlines, draw to mind the classic quote, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it," which we're pretty sure was coined by Jesse Ventura.
#3. The News Loves to Cannibalize America's Sweetheart
2011: "Everyone loves America's sweetheart, Anne Hathaway," says news.
2012: Anne Hathaway takes a tight-outfit, people-beating role that everyone loves.
Despite the enormous amount of money Hollywood spends to promote blockbuster films, it apparently only allocates about $100, an afternoon, and a scared intern to the creation of movie posters.
A good poster can be every bit as important as a good trailer, but we are routinely bombarded with badly Photoshopped images that make absolutely no sense. It's almost as if Hollywood is challenging us with its childlike grasp of theme and logic and daring us to come see the movie anyway.
#6. X-Men: Days of Future Past -- Charles Xavier in a Rocket Wheelchair
20th Century Fox
The wizards responsible for the print marketing arm of X-Men: Days of Future Past decided that the best way to promote their movie was to Photoshop a constipated Patrick Stewart directly into the foreground wearing a laser tag battle suit and a hovering wheelchair. Apparently the flames from Patrick Stewart's rocket boosters destroy Washington at some point in this film. Either that or Wolverine has a weirdly elaborate full-body tattoo.
We really don't get why Hollywood keeps making movies. After all, you could basically chop up and rearrange all the films in existence into an infinite number of new gee-whiz blockbusters. All you need is a sprinkle of imagination, a twinkle in your eye, and a shit-ton of GIFs.
Don't believe us? Here are six recent flicks (and one television show) that intersect in ways you might not have noticed. So sit back, sneak in an entire Crock-Pot of beef stroganoff, and join us for some cinematic Frankensteins down at the Cracked Mashup Drive-In.