Quick Fixes

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December 12, 2014

Women Are Dyeing Their Armpits and 5 Other BS Viral Stories

By David Christopher Bell | 265,328 Views

With CNN's Don Lemon asking a rape victim why she didn't bite Bill Cosby's penis and comparing hitting children to animal training, there sure are a lot of reasons for protesters to shout "Fuck CNN" on live television. Especially when Lemon is also writing them off as "obviously" smelling of weed.

But as we've pointed out more than enough times on Cracked, the lovable simpleton Lemon isn't the only reporter perpetually bastardizing the news. Not when every week we have to debunk a new bullshit viral story, such as all the ones here:

#6. "Hand Dryers Are Spreading Germs," Says Paper Towel Company

Cracked is all about pointing it out when a popular health or safety measure is actually being counter-productive, so under most circumstances the following headlines would be our main jam:

gizmodo.com

huffingtonpost.com

nymag.com
Or use fact-checking again, apparently.

Article

December 10, 2014

The 4 Stupidest Reactions to the New 'Star Wars' Trailer

By David Christopher Bell | 424,632 Views

When the first trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens hit the web, the sun was promptly blotted out by an engorged tsunami of nerd tumescence. Most of us observed two things -- A) the trailer is glorious and B) it is glorious for less time than it takes to cook a Hot Pocket.


And C) not nearly enough Zuckuss and Bossk and Sy Snootles and Willrow Hood and ...

Article

December 09, 2014

4 Signs 'Jurassic World' Is Supposed to Be a Comedy

By David Christopher Bell | 337,441 Views

If you're like the rest of civilized society, you probably spent your Thanksgiving hunched in your grandmother's bathroom watching the shiny new Jurassic World trailer on a fevered loop. And as excited as we were about the prospect of a new dinosaur movie, we also couldn't help but get the sense that this entire two-and-a-half-minute ordeal shows the awkward remnants of some abandoned studio plan to make a David Zucker-style screwball comedy instead of raw theropod-on-theropod action. Yes, based on what we've seen and what we know, Jurassic World seems less like a gritty adventure movie and more like a two-hour pie-throwing contest. POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD.

#4. The Entire Cast and Crew Are Hilarious People

Apart from the token uneatable child present in every Jurassic Park film, here are the first two people we see in the trailer:

Universal Studios
Cheryl and Not Archer.

Article

December 07, 2014

4 Signs the Best Fantastic Four Movie Was Made 20 Years Ago

By E. Reid Ross | 245,407 Views

As you may have heard, 20th Century Fox is currently cooking up a grittier, younger reboot of The Fantastic Four, because that worked out so well with Spider-Man. Yeah, the fans aren't exactly optimistic about that one. It's a good thing, then, that there's already a kick-ass Fantastic Four movie out there -- and no, we don't mean one of the "Jessica Alba in a wig" ones. Come on, we're not crazy. We're talking about the one that was made in 1994 by the producer of Sharktopus and then never released.

Constantin Film
Pretty sure Human Torch is wearing the same wig as Alba.

No, seriously. Now that we've got your attention, let's examine why the upcoming version will have a hard time measuring up to a 20-year-old movie that was made for no money, with no famous actors, and then instantly tossed in a trash can ...

#4. Why Were Each of These Movies Made?

The 2015 Version:

Very simple: because they have to. The rights to make Fantastic Four (and X-Men) films currently belong to 20th Century Fox, with the "Monkey's Paw"-esque catch that if they want to keep the rights they have to keep making more of them. Even if they suck. Hence, you know ...

20th Century Fox
Since when does The Thing have a beer belly, and where the hell are his freaking rings?