By now, every possible combination of the words "Jon Stewart," "Brian Williams," and "fake news" has been turned into a joke by news sites -- who are seemingly unaware of the rich irony in those same sites reacting to these events in the typical hyperbolic, often hypocritical fashion we've come to expect.
So, here we are, yet again, with six stories that prove Internet news has not lost its charming habit of being 10 times worse than any embellishing anchorman.
#6. Please Stop Reporting "Measles Parties" (Before They Actually Start Happening)
Anti-vaxxers (the ironically futuristic-sounding name for people who oppose the basic science of vaccines) have such an astounding combination of gullibility and privilege that it's almost majestic to watch them speak. This aggressive ignorance is why, in the midst of a measles outbreak, it's important for the media to keep calm and avoid giving the Jenny McCarthys of the world more ammunition. Like, for example:
... or real.
You may have noticed that the cinematic adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey -- a Fear Street novel about knots -- made money hand over butt plug this past weekend. And recently, I've been watching the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer over and over in my darkened apartment like it's the Zapruder film. Not because I'm excited to see the film -- I'm not excited to see the film -- but rather that the film's hype, marketing, and message has beckoned me back to the forgotten time of 1997.
A pre-Internet-porn time, when this excitement would have made sense.
Cheap, hastily produced knockoff films are a staple of the B-movie industry. Whenever a huge, highly visible property starts making a killing at the box office, you will inevitably start seeing countless imitation films clogging the Redboxes of the world, most sporting barely clever rewordings of mainstream titles and budgets so low they might as well have been produced with theoretical anti-dollars. This year is shaping up to unleash some surefire Hollywood blockbusters on us, and the knockoff film producers are wasting no time, energy, or thought in their rush to cash in.
#5. Furious Road: A Postapocalyptic Adventure That Totally Isn't Ripping Off Mad Max: Fury Road
We admit that it's hard to make an action movie about men punching each other to death in the desert without it being compared to Mad Max. However, the makers of Furious Road deserve a gold medal in the knockoff Olympics, because shamelessly plagiarizing the title of the upcoming Mad Max: Fury Road was literally the subtlest thing they did.
Tom Cat Films
Again, in fairness, subtlety has no place on Furious Road.
So 1999 has come and gone, and Prince's party directives, much like Prince himself, have been rendered obsolete. The problem is: now that "I'm gonna party like it's 1999" sounds like some gibberish your demented grandpa would spout, how do we party ahead of our time? Luckily, a few forward-thinking (and possibly time-traveling) folks have already come up with revolutionary gizmos that might give us glimpse into the epic throw downs of the future.
And sure, these inventions might make you look completely ridiculous today, but such is the price of progress. One day, everyone will get shitfaced using stuff like ...
#4. Get Any Drink Ever With an Instant Alcohol Machine
It's frankly a disgrace that, in the year 2015, people still have to compete for the attention of a harried, overworked booze jockey to get a drink more complicated than "beer" or "beer with Coke" -- and even that might be too complex for some of us. Those days are about to end. Finally answering the age-old conundrum of "how can I decrease the amount of time it takes for alcohol to enter my face," a Kickstarter was launched to fund Somabar, an automated countertop bartender named for an ancient Persian ritualistic drink (and hopefully not the LSD drug from Brave New World that slowly kills you).
You simply plop different types of booze into the canisters, tell the machine what drink you want, and voila! Enjoy your perfectly mixed Long Slow Comfortable Screw Against the Wall. Or, you know, whatever disturbingly-named concoction you requested.
Hopefully, that little hole is a speaker through which it tells you you're not sad for drinking alone.