Quick Fixes

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February 25, 2015

5 Products Designed to Control You When You're Drunk as Hell

By M. Asher Cantrell | 297,640 Views

If one of your 2015 New Year's resolutions was to not be such a sloppy drunk next New Year's Eve, we've got great news for you: You'll probably get just as wasted as ever, but the wide world of technology will help you hide it more efficiently! Simply add the following to your boozing arsenal and soon you'll be the MacGyver of getting totally blasted. (We almost went with "James Bond," but that was redundant.)

#5. Free Pee Finds You a Place to Pee (That Isn't the Side of a Building)

The first order of business for any significantly intoxicated person is to find a place to pee that doesn't involve uncovering your genitals in public. Places like alleys, bushes, and children's playgrounds are very convenient (and what Mother Nature intended) but also very illegal.

That's where Free Pee comes in: Despite sounding like the sketchiest Craigslist ad ever, this helpful app is designed to direct your ass (or penis, as the case may be) to actual, human bathrooms where you can lawfully micturate.

iQwerty
And most actually have walls around them, unlike this one.

Article

February 24, 2015

6 New Movies That Deserve Way More Attention

By David Christopher Bell | 357,257 Views

In our noble quest to showcase underreported weird-ass new movies, we've seen everything from a found-footage film by Orson Welles to a Finnish child saving President Samuel L. Jackson from terrorists. And once again, our endless Internet spelunking has yielded hot magic. Here are six more upcoming oddities whose plots will make Star Wars: The Force Awakens look like Star Wars: Son Who Unplugged the Fax Machine Were You Guys Roughhousing.

#6. Kung Fury: A Swedish Action Movie About Hitler, Vikings, Dinosaurs, and Time Travel

When Hitler learns the secret of martial arts, Norse gods rise up from their fimbul slumber. Such is the premise of Kung Fury, which follows a time-traveling karate cop that teams up with a female Viking and Thor to take on the Third Reich using 1990s technology, a sentence that now exists in our reality.

Laser Unicorns

Laser Unicorns

Laser Unicorns

Laser Unicorns
But sure, Hollywood, "gritty" is way better.

Article

February 23, 2015

5 Oscar Secrets That Will Make You Wish You Hadn't Watched

By David Christopher Bell | 507,967 Views

Last night's Academy Awards ceremony invited 35+ million viewers to watch in wonderment as a bunch of millionaires cracked self-aware jokes about how exclusive and aloof they are while doing nothing to amend their behavior, as well as verbally congratulating themselves for braving an abominable 50-degree downpour during a time when the rest of the country is being crushed beneath an arctic hellscape.

Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
But hey, at least we got to see Clint Eastwood's "I have no idea who Kanye West is" face.

Article

February 22, 2015

4 Ways Anti-Vaccine Lies Are Perfectly Designed to Fool Us

By David Christopher Bell | 307,623 Views

Over the years, we at Cracked have come down hard on people who argue against vaccinating children. In our minds, the case for protecting babies from diseases that were practically wiped out years ago is as open and shut as a festering smallpox wound.

On the other hand, the only way to understand the opposition is to put yourself in their locally-sourced, chi-neutral Birkenstocks long enough to make sense of their logic. And the messy truth is that we're ALL capable of making the same kinds of stupid reasoning jumps when pulled in the right wrong direction.

#4. Conspiracies Are How We Justify Tragedy and Confusion

It's easy to believe that anti-vaxxers are just tinfoil-hat-wearers plunking conspiracy narratives while waiting in line to drill their own brains Pi a la mode style, but the truth is a little less cut and dry than that. Human beings are actually so adept at forming bullshit patterns behind omnipresent randomness that scientists created a word for it: "apophenia." It's basically just what we said: finding structure in the structureless. Combine that with how devastatingly hard it is to comprehend that random acts of violence are, in fact, random -- and suddenly we start forming "false flag" operations about every national tragedy that comes along.

Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
"Of course they'd rig it so the Patriots beat Pete Carroll. How else would they suppress the truth."