The world is so filled with actual human grotesqueries to sort through that the news really shouldn't have to make shit up -- and yet here we are. Unfortunately for the news-savvy (but fortunately for our infinity-part series), there's nothing the media love more than a story that seems too good to be true ... because it isn't. And so, here is the very latest in primo bullshit that someone stamped "news" and sent through the Internet chute.
#4. FOX Didn't Censor the "Only" Mention of Evolution on Cosmos
Here's a little something to stretch your indignant scoff muscles:
While the average person may watch maybe 25 minutes of a given news channel per day, some of those networks are on 24/7 and have to constantly come up with programming to keep their impossible dream of around-the-clock reporting afloat. It can be a daunting task, which is why it quickly becomes hilariously apparent when the news has absolutely nothing left to talk about.
#4. News Station Bases Entire Report on a Facebook Post ... About a Fake Monster
A local news station in Cuba, New Mexico, recently spent two entire minutes talking about a blurry photograph of a carnival monster that had reportedly been seen wandering around the open highway, because there was quite literally nothing else going on in Cuba, New Mexico, that day.
"They say the beast strikes at victims with a combination of Pilates and yoga."
In that 1990s creepshow known as The X-Files, straight-laced FBI agents became entwined in scenarios so paranormal that only the barely usable letter "X" could describe them. (Presumably an earlier title, The Wuh? Files, was rejected by focus groups.) And every once in a new blood moon, the real world news ends up mimicking those old episodes ...
#4. A Human Skull Is Found in San Francisco ... On a Paper Plate
Imagine you're hiking in the park and the sun is shining and the birds are singing and something catches your eye and SWEET CORN ON THE COB, ARE THOSE FUCKING BONES?
"As long as it's not a masturbating hobo, I'll call today a win."
Jeremy Irons -- aka the human form that Scar the lion assumes when he skin-walks as a celebrated English thespian -- just admitted that he has yet to read the script of Batman vs. Superman because it isn't done yet. This is strange, as Irons has already signed on to play Bruce Wayne's manservant Alfred Pennyworth, and you'd really think he'd want to know just how many full-frontal scenes Alf's on the hook for.
"Bosh, I don't care. Lions are naked 24/7."