Quick Fixes


May 27, 2014

4 Creepy and Baffling Implications of the X-Men Films

By Tom Reimann | 734,305 Views

There's a lot going on in the X-Men film franchise. We got one trilogy that ended on a terrible, fan-souring note, then a second series of movies focusing on the main character of the original trilogy, then a reboot that recast all of the main characters as younger versions of themselves in the 1960s, and now a sequel to that reboot that combines the original cast with the reboot cast while simultaneously confirming that all seven movies are actually part of the same continuity and buying back everything that happened in the Brett Ratner penisburp that was X-Men: The Last Stand.

While Days of Future Past does a good job of connecting all those disparate dots, there are still a fair amount of plot threads left dangling in the wind, along with a litany of unanswered questions and things that are straight up presented to us but never explained (such as "Why the hell are all the files in Peter Dinklage's office kept in a vertical cabinet 5 feet off the ground?"). But what's most disturbing are the storylines implied by the movies, which manage to be deeply unsettling without ever getting a minute of screen time.

#4. Professor X Stole a Young Man's Body and Mutated Him into an Exact Physical Double of Himself (And Is Secretly Addicted to Drugs)

At the end of X-Men: The Last Stand, we see that Professor X has somehow managed to transfer his consciousness into the body of a brain-dead coma patient. So even though we saw him get ripped apart by Jean Grey's series-destroying celestial black magic, we at least got a little relief in knowing that he would live on, albeit in the body of some guy whose family was about to receive some challenging news.

20th Century Fox
"So our family gets to upgrade from Dale to Patrick Stewart? Sweet, fuck Dale."


May 26, 2014

The 5 Most Unintentionally Hilarious New Movie Posters

By Isaac Cabe | 570,780 Views

The people who appear in movie posters inhabit a strange alternate reality even more fantastic than the movies themselves -- a place where the basic rules of space and common sense aren't so much "different" as "nonexistent." It's easy to overlook how ridiculous these posters are when you're just glancing at them, trying to decide which movie will make you hate yourself less for spending $8 to see it, but once you start paying attention, you can't help but notice things like ...

#5. Stalingrad Takes Russian Indifference to the Extreme

Action movies have conditioned us to associate an actor's indifference toward devastating destruction with badassedness, rather than, you know, being a soulless shell of a human being. Combine this trend with the Russian people's legendary inability to give a single shit and the result is the poster for Stalingrad, in which a giant plane is set to crash just above the scene and not one of the eight actors is even looking at it. Some men just don't care to watch the world burn.

Columbia Pictures
"Highest grossing" doesn't include shirtless Putin horse videos.


May 22, 2014

4 On-Set Photos That Change the Way You See Upcoming Films

By Jim Avery | 501,763 Views

Sure, Hollywood films look all silky and smooth when they're edited and CGI-ed and the cameras are actually facing the actors, but even the most multimillion dollar of blockbusters look absolutely crazy when they're being cobbled together in meatspace. Here are some recent examples:

#4. Transformers 4 Is Michael Bay's Own Private Torture Chamber

The Transformers films continually turn a profit because each movie is two hours of white noise and exploding tinsel. They tap into that primordial corner of the human brain with such ferocity that audiences don't even give a shit if they end up gazing slack-jawed at Shia LaBeouf's meerkat sneer for three hours.

But underneath that barrage of crackling crapola are the antics of maybe the happiest man in Hollywood: Michael Bay. Now, throughout his career, Bay has gotten a ton of shit from everybody with eyes, but it's a bit more difficult to hate the guy when you see him levitating an Audi full of concerned actors while crazy-eyed, humping the air, and dressed like Doc Brown:

"I'm wearing white to enjoy the splatter."


May 20, 2014

4 Signs the Power Rangers Movie Will Be Goddamn Insane

By David Christopher Bell | 419,539 Views

In a move that will surprise absolutely no one, Lionsgate has announced plans to reboot the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers with what will no doubt be an origin movie preceding two other films, followed by a second reboot trilogy.

As anyone who has watched the Frankensteined first season of the original Power Rangers can tell you, the story is at best "unintelligible" and at worst "the deathbed ramblings of an LSD test subject." Attempting to adapt even a fraction of that mescaline-laced rubber-suited pop-up book into a cohesive modern action film will be nothing short of a hero's trial.

#4. The Training Montage Was Suspiciously Nonexistent

No superhero origin is complete without spending 45 minutes watching the lead characters struggle to embrace their cosmic new abilities with a joyous amount of wry chuckle-fishing slapstick.

However, the first episode of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers knew this was a heaping mountain of time-wasting moon shit that could be better spent selling action figures to children, so they completely skipped over it. The Power Rangers go from angsty teens to karate-helmet robot dinosaur lords in an afternoon.

Saban Brands
"But I don't even know martial arts like Jason or Trini."
"We've seen you playing Street Fighter at the juice bar. That's good enough."