We live in a golden age of television. Never before have we had so much quality programming, or so many different ways to view it while sitting on the toilet. However, the things we like so much about the current state of television are actually strangling our favorite shows to death like Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds.
#4. Our Favorite Shows Get Terrible Ratings Because We Don't Watch Them When They Air
The business model that drives the creation of the shows we like is fairly straightforward: A network pays to make a show, and then we pay them back by watching the commercials attached to the show. It's basic, but it's an arrangement that's worked since your grandparents bought their first TV with the meager wages they earned after working impossible hours at the steel mill. So why do demonstrably popular shows like 30 Rock and Community struggle so hard?
Because they're demonstrably popular only in our elitist echo chamber?
The wallets of the big media studios don't discriminate. If you want to give them money in exchange for the latest audiovisual treat, it doesn't matter what your creed, race, or orientation is -- they'll always take it. They're nice like that. However, if you want to see yourself represented in those movies, shows, or games, that's a little more complicated, because, uh ... well, you see, it's like this ... *farts forever*
That's the response the following companies might as well have given when asked why, in 2014, their products still like to pretend we're in 1954. Instead, they went with even more embarrassing excuses, such as ...
#4. Nintendo Doesn't Want Gay Couples in Their New Game Because They're Not "Whimsical" Enough
Nintendo isn't known for straying beyond the path of the tried and tested -- we have about a hundred different Marios, a hundred different Pokemons, a hundred different Zeldas, and one or two Haunted Mansions with green Mario. And on the rare occasion that they do throw out something other than Mario/Zelda/Pokemon, we get a little glimpse of Nintendo's true deer-in-the-headlights insanity, like in Tomodachi Life. Nintendo's latest best-selling game is a "life simulator," assuming your life is a constant barrage of the hardest drugs available mixed with all the alcohol in your dad's pantry. The concept of the game is that you can take your real-life friends and have them do wacky stuff, like holding Queen concerts:
Nintendo via Kotaku
"I see a little Mii-effigy of a man ..."
Science fiction promised us that the wars of the future would involve giant totalitarian super-nations, armies of killer robots, or both at the same time. Not even the most acid-friendly writer could have predicted that, the way things are looking, the 21st century will be disputed between the social network you use to stalk your classmates and the website where you find your porn.
If you don't believe us, just take a look at the ways Facebook and Google are competing on levels usually reserved for supervillains.
#5. They're Both Developing Terrifying Technology
You know how supervillains have underground labs full of mad scientists? Well, Google has the Google X facility, where people who would have felt right at home in the Manhattan Project develop impossible (so far) ideas like hoverboards, space elevators, and freaking teleportation. Not impossible: Google's own robot army. Between solar-powered drones that can "fly for years" and robo-beasts that run at 29 miles an hour, it's starting to look like the only thing Terminator got wrong is that the T-800s didn't mock your weird porn history before crushing your skull.
You hit enter and this crashes through your window: "Did you mean 'Japanese Hen Tie'?"
As you may have heard, the nation's cable companies have suddenly found themselves cast as villains, simply because of that little "trying to kill the Internet" thing. They're working hard to get rid of net neutrality, the basic principle that they can't charge extra to sites or services to make them load at a non-infuriating speed. But don't worry: In order to clear their good names, Verizon, Comcast, and their ilk are doing their best to address their customers' concerns ... by using the time-honored tradition of feeding us bullshit.
Yes, as they attempt to explain to us why having less freedom to look up porn and play online poker would be a good thing (or, you know, whatever other people use the Internet for), they're resorting to patently ridiculous arguments, like ...
#5. "Disabled People Need Us to Kill Net Neutrality!"
Did you know that if you support net neutrality, you hate deaf people? That's the infallible logic being used by Verizon as they lobby on Capitol Hill for the creation of "fast lanes" on the Internet. According to them, the blind, the deaf, and other people with disabilities need faster Internet because of their particular needs, and what's the easiest way to make sure they get it? Yes, giving greedy companies the ability to decide which sites can go fast and which ones will slow to a crawl, obviously. Without those pesky regulations, more efficient sites for people with disabilities will be set up -- and then there's no way anything could go wrong, ever.