So you're a big-time celebrity and you've just pissed off millions of people in the world by saying something astoundingly dumb. We've all been there. What's important now is getting back in the public's good graces by issuing a heartfelt apology -- and by "heartfelt" we mean "coldly manufactured using the following tips." The closer you stick to the formula we're about to present, the sooner everyone will forget that you're an objectively terrible person and go see your movie/buy your record/re-elect you for public office.
So whether you're planning to get drunk in public, insult an entire ethnic and/or religious group, yell at some nice officers, or do all three things at the same time (see: Mel Gibson), just keep these pointers in mind and you'll be fine!
#5. Play the "Hey, I'm a Victim Here, Too!" Card
According to experts, the perfect script for an apology goes like this: (1) say how much you regret the incident, (2) apologize clearly, and (3) grovel for forgiveness. However, celebrities know a little about this subject, and they've added an important step to that recipe: (0) point out that you're a victim here, too, in a way.
For instance, back when David Letterman came under fire for not being able to stop boning his staff, he started his public apology by mentioning that this whole thing came out because he was blackmailed. Only two minutes later did he get around to the "Oh, by the way, sorry to my wife and stuff" part, but he already had our sympathy by that point.
If you saw a headline titled "Man Sues His Wife Over Ugly Kids," most people would approach the article with a healthy dose of skepticism. But if you read the exact same headline with the adjective "Chinese" tacked to the front, then there's a good chance you'll see that shit splayed willy-nilly all over your Facebook wall. You see, during our ongoing journey into the heart of bullshit Internet journalism, we've noticed that there's literally no story that isn't somehow made more believable to the media if you set it in China, all thanks to the miracle of casual racism. Case in point: everything you're about to read!
#5. "Chinese Man Painting Naked Slips and Gets Dick Stuck in Pipe for Two Days!"
Some headlines are works of art by themselves. This one is so perfect that we almost hate to ruin it (almost):
Laugh all you want, but you gotta admire his stamina.
There are a thousand things that can go wrong at any moment and torpedo an entire movie production. Sometimes the actor playing Jesus gets struck by lightning, or a nearly mummified Han Solo breaks his leg on an angry door that was surely possessed by the ghost of Greedo. And other times you need strangers on an Internet comedy site to tell you when to throw in the towel on your unwatchable boondoggle.
#6. Jem and the Holograms Is a No-Budget Sausagefest
If you're not familiar with Jem and the Holograms, it's basically Hannah Montana, if Hannah Montana owned a supercomputer that could alter the laws of reality. As with 99 percent of the '80s, it was created by Hasbro as a Saturday morning cartoon.
Also as with 99 percent of the '80s, it was executive produced by cocaine.
You may have heard the recent big news that Apple bought Beats Music for billions of dollars, which illustrates the growing trend of gigantic corporations trying to squeeze into a spot on the burgeoning streaming music scene. (The Beats deal has also fueled conspiracy theories that Dr. Dre is a sleeper agent in Suge Knight's long-simmering scheme to roll Apple into Death Row Records.)
But here's something you may not realize: The advent of music streaming is essentially a plague on the industry, a cutpurse on the level of Napster. The increasing popularity of music streaming services is almost guaranteeing that, 10 years from now, there will only be five or six bands left who can afford to keep making music, and they are the five or six bands that you are already tired of hearing.
#5. YouTube Is Bullying Indie Labels Into Getting Their Way, or They're Gone
For most of us on the Internet, the music we stream comes entirely from YouTube, because it's easier than signing up for a music streaming service and nobody wants to admit to paying full price for "Tarzan Boy." Google wants to take advantage of that, because as they have spent the past year taking great pains to demonstrate to us, ruining YouTube is at the very top of their list of priorities.
"Man, all of YouTube's showing that drunken tadpole movie again."