Hey buttheads, did you hear? The hoverboard is a real thing! Great Scott! Power of Love! Some other Back to the Future thing! It appears the Zemeckis vision of the future is finally upon us, at least according to every Marty McHeadline on the interweb:
For those awful human beings who have never seen the BttF movies, a hoverboard is exactly what it sounds like: a skateboard, except with air instead of wheels. But wait, before you throw your life savings at a crate full of flying future-toys, give us a minute to explain why this whole story stinks worse than a truckload of manure ...
Today is Halloween (unless you live in New Zealand, where Halloween was over an hour before this article was published; go to bed). The point is, even if you're just sitting down to read this at 8:30 p.m. local time, YOU STILL HAVE AMPLE TIME TO HOLD A HALLOWEEN RAGER. All you need is 45 minutes and $50 (and a willingness to become the pariah of your social circle).
Don't believe us? We tasked Cracked writer Evan Symon with assembling a speed-run Halloween party using some rather dubious tips he found on the Internet. The only rules?
RULE 1: He could use only common household items purchased at a neighborhood drug store.
RULE 2: He was required to hold this party in his bathroom. Because. Just because.
#7. The Bloody Shower Curtain
When you have less than an hour to plan a Halloween party, you need to cut corners on decor. I had no time to knife a gourd, so I instead made it look like a cow exploded inside my shower. All I needed was a white shower curtain, red hair dye, and baby shampoo, mixing the two liquids together. When splattering the resulting blood-like substance on your shower curtain, be sure to do it in some nearby woods, where absolutely no one will get the wrong idea.
And make sure today is not a landlord-inspection day.
Very rarely do you come across a Halloween costume that's actually scary -- most range from hilariously bad to terribly inappropriate to just terrible. Some people simply want to dress up like a sexy fax machine or whatever else inspires zero erections 99.75 percent of the year.
Others prefer to pay homage to their favorite cinematic characters, making the holiday less a spooky celebration of the macabre and more like cosplay with candy. But if you can make your Hollywood-inspired costume at home, then do so, because what the stores offer is often crafted by complete psychopaths.
#6. Mr. Peabody & Sherman Makes an Easy Costume Horrifying
Mr. Peabody's pet human, Sherman, is a happy child, which is likely what DreamWorks' official Cambodian sweatshop had in mind when designing his costume. Unfortunately, the final result looks like something we'd instinctively bash with a shovel if it ever graced our doorstep:
In an ad that was recently pulled from YouTube for the crime of being shitty, Subway reminded women everywhere that their ONLY option for a Halloween costume is "sexy version of literally any noun in the English language."
The people that thought this up wear helmets as part of their normal day.
Unless they plan on spending hours making costumes from scratch, ladies are given no choice but to dress up like they're brainstorming a character for the Erotic Wrestling Federation. Which is fine if you want to go to a party as Sexy Hermione, but what if you just want to be plain old Hermione? Will the aggressive sexualization of the most fun holiday of the year ever end?
Nope. The problem has become so systemic that it just perpetuates itself with minimal (and counterintuitive) input from us, like some kind of insane robot.
#4. Halloween Is Designed to Screw Over Women
First of all, Halloween is sexualized for women, period. Even if the "women" in question are barely out of diapers. For example, here are a few not-at-all uncommon costumes for girls who are still in elementary school, which you may remember as the time of your life when you consumed nothing but juice and boogers and still believed one or two of your favorite cartoon characters were real people:
If you see a toddler in that outfit please let a real cop know.