This Week in WTF Pop Culture History: A Fucking Ninja Turtle Rap Song Hits #1 in July 1990.
We're not being sarcastic when we say that a proud and important pop culture tradition was renewed this week with the release of this track:
That is "Shell Shocked" by Juicy J, Wiz Khalifa, and Ty Dolla $ign. It jumps from describing the four Ninja Turtles and the unbeatable power of brotherhood, to talk of teaming up with your friends to make shitloads of money for Lamborghinis and Rolexes (which suggests that the new film features a sequence wherein Master Splinter teaches his four young protegees how to ball like motherfuckers). And before you dismiss this video as being unimportant to your life, you need to understand something:
Rap songs about Ninja Turtles used to fucking dominate the pop charts.
If you look hard enough, the Internet will provide evidence for anything you want. Anything. Obama is guarded by lizard-men? Here you go. The Titanic was an inside job? Oh, for sure, man. The job of the media should be to take all that news-feed and forum swill and show us the true light ... or, as our zillion-part series continues to prove, just go with whatever headlines they think will get the most rage and/or boner clicks.
Here are a few recent examples that might have fooled your friends (but not you, because you've read, like, 20 of these by now and know better):
#4. North Korea Didn't Trick Their Citizens Into Thinking They Were in the World Cup
North Korea has risen in the ranks of egregious lunacy so much that visiting it was Dennis Rodman's rock bottom moment -- which is saying a whole lot. Thanks to this, the country has also become the Swiss Army Knife of irresponsible journalism, with pretty much any and all stories coming out of it appearing believable. Like this one:
Presumably, Rodman was team captain.
It's hard to be a militant organization without looking like the bad guy. Image is more important than ever, particularly when anything you say or do can be beamed across the world in an instant on Twitter and Facebook. Consequently, once-terrifying groups are deliberately taking steps to cultivate a more Internet-friendly image, which is why we're seeing neo-Nazis doing the Harlem Shake on YouTube and the Chinese secret police making recruitment posters of their officers spin-kicking their way through explosions.
#4. The Russian Troops Who Invaded Crimea Take Happy Pictures With Anyone Who Wants It
2014 has been an interesting year for Russia and its neighbors. Winter Olympics fever took Eastern Europe by storm -- that is, all of the parts of Eastern Europe that weren't totally screwed by it -- and as soon as those two weeks of pretending to care about obscure athletic competitions tenuously connected to cold weather dried up, Russia went and invaded Crimea while simultaneously denying they were doing so, because global politics is occasionally a cartoon show.
However, not everyone in Crimea totally hates their Russian invaders, because not all of Crimea was completely down with becoming part of the European Union (which was theoretically on the table before the previous Ukrainian president suddenly changed his mind and was booted out of office for his trouble). The invading troops extended an olive branch to these pro-Russian citizens the only way the 21st century knows how -- by posing for adorable selfies.
Moments before Granny's hand got uncomfortably lower.
Besides being the summer of flaccid box office results (not to gloat, but we kind of told you so), 2014 has also seen another bizarre trend emerge in the floundering forest of big-budget blockbustery: shitting all over science. Five of the year's biggest films depend entirely on the conceit that scientists are lazy, stupid morons, and that the pursuit of scientific discovery is a ridiculous waste of time that could be spent on punching and explosions.
#5. Everything About Dawn of the Planet of the Apes Happens Because of One Lab Full of Terrible Scientists
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes shows us a world where apes have risen to power after humanity was decimated by a horrific virus, two events that can be directly traced back to a single lab full of terrible scientists in the first film. More specifically, a single terrible scientist: Frownbeard McMustardStain.
20th Century Fox
"That's Dr. Frownbeard McMustardStain."