Last week, 300,000 West Virginia residents had the joy of witnessing a chemical spill transmogrify their entire drinking water supply into a magical diarrhea-conjuring elixir of pain. The only upside to this situation, besides the higher chance of any future X-Men being born in the area, is that we've learned from it and made sure it will never happen again.
Just kidding! It will totally happen again, and there's nothing we can do about it, because ...
#4. Regulations on Chemicals Are a Big Joke
So what, exactly, does the substance that thousands of West Virginians suddenly found spicing up their drinking water (4-methylcyclohexanemethanol, abbreviated to MCHM) do? Well, here's how much we know about it:
Eastman Chemical Company
"FLAVOR: IDK, bad?"
Death does strange things to people. We get the urge to honor those who have passed on with memorials and tributes, but sometimes we confuse "tribute" with "things we enjoy personally that actually have no positive connection to the departed" and -- in select cases -- "pictures of Morgan Freeman."
#4. Nelson Mandela Is Honored With Toto's "Africa"
When former South African president and human rights champion Nelson Mandela passed away last December, people from all corners of the globe mourned his death and celebrated his remarkable life, when they weren't using news of his passing to promote a movie.
Newspapers rushed to print their Nelson Mandela obituaries (a handful of which were actually longer than the titanic 17-page obituary Bloomberg wrote for Steve Jobs), and every media outlet rushed to air their own Mandela memorial segment. That rush is probably what resulted in CBS' decision to air Toto's "Africa" during their Mandela tribute, probably because it is the first result that comes up when you Google "Africa song." As many of you know, Toto is a band full of white dudes who had never been to Africa when they wrote that song in 1982, and the song itself actually has nothing at all to do with the continent of Mandela's birth. But CBS thought its joyous rhythm would make the perfect backdrop for a montage of Nelson Mandela's weeping family, accompanied by a thoroughly baffling pronunciation of his last name:
Remember when cigarette companies advertised to children? Man, old-timey people sure were some unscrupulous, backward mustache twirlers! There's just no way our enlightened modern society would ever do anything like that, right?
#4. Toys "R" Us Convinces Kids That Science Isn't Worth Their Time
Last October, Toys "R" Us found no better way to advertise its toys than by comparing them to things like science and the environment and declaring that shit totally boring. How so? Well, the commercial starts off with a guy dressed as a park ranger giving a sleep-inducing lecture about various leaves as he and a class of children ride a school bus to a supposed field trip to the park.
We're shown the extent of their agony with various scenes, like so:
Toys "R" Us
Just another dull day in a school bus filled with cameras.
Thanks to the statewide legalization of recreational marijuana, Colorado is now sitting pretty on rolling hills of sweet cannabis under anthropomorphic smiling clouds made of evaporated bong water (while the rest of us remain condemned to huff glue from under our drab desks). Or at least that's what they'd be doing, if things were as simple as the reggae-abusing local news segments make it seem. Why's that?
#4. For Banks, Weed Money Is Still Drug Money
With the exception of the many times they've done it in the past, banks don't like breaking federal laws, especially drug laws (except when they totally do). In the case of Colorado, it appears that they've listened to McGruff the Crime Dog and D.A.R.E.D. to say "no" to drugs -- even the ones that are now legal.
So where does that leave dispensary owners? Standing knee deep in basements pooled with wads of cash, like a dank-nug-scented Scrooge McDuck reboot.
Ingram Publishing/Ingram Publishing/Getty Images
They're about a week away from some stoner breaking his neck trying to swim in it.