If you saw a headline titled "Man Sues His Wife Over Ugly Kids," most people would approach the article with a healthy dose of skepticism. But if you read the exact same headline with the adjective "Chinese" tacked to the front, then there's a good chance you'll see that shit splayed willy-nilly all over your Facebook wall. You see, during our ongoing journey into the heart of bullshit Internet journalism, we've noticed that there's literally no story that isn't somehow made more believable to the media if you set it in China, all thanks to the miracle of casual racism. Case in point: everything you're about to read!
#5. "Chinese Man Painting Naked Slips and Gets Dick Stuck in Pipe for Two Days!"
Some headlines are works of art by themselves. This one is so perfect that we almost hate to ruin it (almost):
Laugh all you want, but you gotta admire his stamina.
There are a thousand things that can go wrong at any moment and torpedo an entire movie production. Sometimes the actor playing Jesus gets struck by lightning, or a nearly mummified Han Solo breaks his leg on an angry door that was surely possessed by the ghost of Greedo. And other times you need strangers on an Internet comedy site to tell you when to throw in the towel on your unwatchable boondoggle.
#6. Jem and the Holograms Is a No-Budget Sausagefest
If you're not familiar with Jem and the Holograms, it's basically Hannah Montana, if Hannah Montana owned a supercomputer that could alter the laws of reality. As with 99 percent of the '80s, it was created by Hasbro as a Saturday morning cartoon.
Also as with 99 percent of the '80s, it was executive produced by cocaine.
You may have heard the recent big news that Apple bought Beats Music for billions of dollars, which illustrates the growing trend of gigantic corporations trying to squeeze into a spot on the burgeoning streaming music scene. (The Beats deal has also fueled conspiracy theories that Dr. Dre is a sleeper agent in Suge Knight's long-simmering scheme to roll Apple into Death Row Records.)
But here's something you may not realize: The advent of music streaming is essentially a plague on the industry, a cutpurse on the level of Napster. The increasing popularity of music streaming services is almost guaranteeing that, 10 years from now, there will only be five or six bands left who can afford to keep making music, and they are the five or six bands that you are already tired of hearing.
#5. YouTube Is Bullying Indie Labels Into Getting Their Way, or They're Gone
For most of us on the Internet, the music we stream comes entirely from YouTube, because it's easier than signing up for a music streaming service and nobody wants to admit to paying full price for "Tarzan Boy." Google wants to take advantage of that, because as they have spent the past year taking great pains to demonstrate to us, ruining YouTube is at the very top of their list of priorities.
"Man, all of YouTube's showing that drunken tadpole movie again."
There are so many bullshit stories being passed off as real on the Internet that we could fill 25 entire articles with examples -- in fact, we just did. Ten months after we began our crusade for truth, it appears that at least one other website has taken to sifting out the turds of the Web ... albeit using our exact same title model while doing it. We don't mind. After all, gospel is meant to be shared.
With that in mind, it looks like we have roughly another 2,100 more months of this until the entire Internet is a utopia of accountability, so let's get moving!
#6. That "Man Fights Shark" GoPro Video Is So Fake
Sharks are nature's reminder that while mankind may have spawned from the ocean, that's pretty much the extent of the courtesy, lest we are torn limb from limb by giant mouth bullets. Similarly, these swimming sarlacc pits are as good a reason as any not to go anywhere near Australia, as highlighted by a recent viral video reported by Mashable, Huffington Post, Epoch Times, MSN, NY Post, and Time: