Quick Fixes

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March 29, 2014

The New 'Godzilla' Movie: Will It Be Terrible?

By David Christopher Bell | 165,428 Views

The explosive trailers and teasers for the upcoming American Godzilla redo are out! And while they do look impressive, anyone old enough to remember the gee-whiz preview for 1998's Godzilla knows that sometimes Hollywood cruelly and arbitrarily disguises crotch-punches as feature films. So that's why we're devoting the next 700 words to one question: WILL IT BE TERRIBLE?

#4. The Script = A Game of Hot Potato

Whereas the 1954 Godzilla had a simple formula (nuclear bomb + giant prehistoric reptile whose entire existence flies in the face of the fossil record, physics), the 2014 Godzilla was birthed through a series of puffs and passes from one screenwriter to the next.

It all started with Dave Callaham, whose claims to fame are The Expendables and that godawful Doom adaptation. After Callaham was bunted off, Man of Steel director David Goyer was brought on for a rewrite that we assume involved a gritty dissection of Godzilla's shitty childhood. After that they gave it to some dude named Max Borenstein, then Iron Man 3 writer Drew Pearce, and finally Shawshank Redemption director Frank Darabont for a spit shine.


No word on whether Darabont kept the climatic third-act one-on-one game against Sir Charles.

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March 28, 2014

4 Ways Global Warming Is Creating a Worldwide Horror Movie

By R. Jason Benson | 247,574 Views

Climate change regained its title as the Hottest Media Buzzword earlier this month when U.S. senators pulled an all-nighter to talk about it and American citizens responded by enthusiastically not giving a shit.

But if we may presume to offer you a bit of advice, random senator who's currently reading Cracked instead of, you know, making laws and junk: If you want Americans to pay attention to climate change, you've got to go full-on horror movie. Give them a swift kick straight in the poopyourpants gland by telling them how ...

#4. It's Thawing Out Mummified Corpses from Past Wars

When you think about ice melting in relation to climate change, it probably brings to mind worries about rising ocean levels and transient polar bears. But it turns out you should maybe be just as concerned about what's lurking in the center of that slowly melting ice, like the horrifically chewy center of a Cenobite's Tootsie Pop.

As the Presena glacier north of the Italian Alps has gradually thawed over the past couple decades, it's puked out some unexpected items: diaries, letters, antique rifles. More recently, it's become terrifyingly apparent who owned said items -- because they're trapped in the ice, too.

Museo della Grande Guerra, Peio
Well, they were.

Article

March 27, 2014

5 Reasons 'Ghostbusters 3' Will Never Ever Happen

By David Christopher Bell | 231,208 Views

On the eve of Ghostbusters' 30th anniversary, an entire generation raised on muon traps and ecto-chargers were collectively laid out by the following mega-news:

wegotthiscovered.com

According to the original director himself, there will in fact be a third Ghostbusters film. But before everyone releases their simultaneous wails of joy/anger, there's probably something you all need to know: It's never going to happen.

#5. It's Been "Confirmed" So ... Many ... Times

"But it's been confirmed!" you cry wholeheartedly into your monitors. It's true, we're not talking about some nameless "studio insider" or a random blogger here; this is Ivan Fucking Reitman saying that the next Ghostbusters film will be undergoing production next year. How could someone from the original films possibly be wrong?

Article

March 26, 2014

4 Reasons This One Kickstarter Proves Humanity Is Doomed

By Tom Reimann | 388,547 Views

Last week, a softcore Nazi anime porn card game called Barbarossa debuted on Kickstarter, because some maniac courageously dared to ask "What if the Germans had invaded the Soviet Union with breasts instead of tanks?"

Arclight Games
Yes, that's what will defeat the Russian winter this time around. Less clothes.

The game is "set in a fictional Second World War setting in which cute German military girls rush against Moscow to defeat the evil magician Stalin." Basically, it's a reimagining of World War II if everyone involved was an absurdly sexualized anime girl. Also, you play as the Nazis. Here's Hitler (dubbed "Li'l Fuhrer," because historical context so often takes the fun right out of desperate erections):

Arclight Games
"Mein kampf is trying to squeeze into this top."