While you weren't paying attention, the Christian movie industry has gone Tyler Perry on us and spit out a buttload of movies. In 2014 alone we've seen Left Behind, God's Not Dead, Heaven Is for Real, and the wildly underrated Hey You Guys, Let's Jesus This Town Up! And guess what? Some of these movies have done all right at the box office. Noah, for example, did better at the theater than The Edge of Tomorrow did (and yes, we know-a Noah was from the Old Testament, not Jesus-themed). But you get the drift: religious movies are hot! Or are they?
With 83 percent of Americans and 32 percent of the entire planet self-identifying as Christian, you'd think that movies with an overtly pro-God theme would make perpetual bank. That really hasn't been the case. Here's why you won't see a $200-million reboot of Bibleman any time soon.
You all remember, Bibleman, right? RIGHT?
#4. Too Much Theology Drives Everyone Away
Before we figured out that Mel Gibson is batshit insane, he pulled off something no one thought possible: a commercially successful movie based on the pummeling of Jesus Christ before his crucifixion. Viewers vomited out $600 million worldwide to see a dramatization of the Son of God getting curb-stomped by Romans.
"Bring the kids! Pack some Peeps!"
In an effort to out-hype Marvel's colossal cinematic future, DC and Warner Bros. recently released a calendar mapping out their slate of upcoming superhero films for our dark, brooding pleasure. As a response, Marvel out-hyped DC's super-hype by uber-hyping their upcoming Phase Three -- which will feature Thor's Ragnarok storyline, Captain America fighting Iron Man in Civil War, Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Guardians of the Galaxy teaming up with The Avengers in Infinity War: Part 1 and 2, plus Doctor Strange, Captain Marvel, Black Panther, Inhumans, and a new golden retriever puppy for everyone in the world. Sick burn, Marvel.
Chris Amaral/Digital Vision/Getty Images
"Is he suppose to have that?"
"It'll make sense when Inhumans drops."
Hey buttheads, did you hear? The hoverboard is a real thing! Great Scott! Power of Love! Some other Back to the Future thing! It appears the Zemeckis vision of the future is finally upon us, at least according to every Marty McHeadline on the interweb:
For those awful human beings who have never seen the BttF movies, a hoverboard is exactly what it sounds like: a skateboard, except with air instead of wheels. But wait, before you throw your life savings at a crate full of flying future-toys, give us a minute to explain why this whole story stinks worse than a truckload of manure ...
Today is Halloween (unless you live in New Zealand, where Halloween was over an hour before this article was published; go to bed). The point is, even if you're just sitting down to read this at 8:30 p.m. local time, YOU STILL HAVE AMPLE TIME TO HOLD A HALLOWEEN RAGER. All you need is 45 minutes and $50 (and a willingness to become the pariah of your social circle).
Don't believe us? We tasked Cracked writer Evan Symon with assembling a speed-run Halloween party using some rather dubious tips he found on the Internet. The only rules?
RULE 1: He could use only common household items purchased at a neighborhood drug store.
RULE 2: He was required to hold this party in his bathroom. Because. Just because.
#7. The Bloody Shower Curtain
When you have less than an hour to plan a Halloween party, you need to cut corners on decor. I had no time to knife a gourd, so I instead made it look like a cow exploded inside my shower. All I needed was a white shower curtain, red hair dye, and baby shampoo, mixing the two liquids together. When splattering the resulting blood-like substance on your shower curtain, be sure to do it in some nearby woods, where absolutely no one will get the wrong idea.
And make sure today is not a landlord-inspection day.