One of the most important parts of a successful horror movie is the villain. What would Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and Halloween be without Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers? Horror movies without credible villains tend to be instant garbage, like The Happening, in which the bad guys are trees and M. Night Shyamalan.
Unfortunately, Hollywood apparently no longer has any idea what's scary, because for this year's horror movie season they're just flinging shit at the wall to see what sticks. Just take a look at these upcoming films and try to force yourself to be afraid (SPOILER: You cannot).
#4. Ouija -- An Actual Ouija Board
Hey, what's the best way to freak out a room full of kids under the age of 15? A Ouija board! The only problem is, once you figure out how they work, Ouija boards lose pretty much all of their appeal. It turns out that a bunch of people subconsciously tugging on a piece of plastic just isn't all that bone-chilling.
"Jeff will die from severe horse-dickening, so speak the spirits."
"Fuck you guys."
Hey, remember when American Apparel's official Tumblr tried to celebrate the 4th of July with a picture of some nice fireworks but accidentally posted a photo of the Challenger explosion instead? Which didn't even happen in July. Can you imagine if every company was that dumb?
Well, you don't have to imagine! In this era of large corporations putting their entire online reputation in the hands of whichever intern can remember the Twitter password, "stumbling ass backwards into controversy" is the rule, not the exception. In fact, here are five such screw-ups from the past few months:
#5. Zara Sells Pajamas That Resemble Concentration Camp Clothing
You'd think that it'd be difficult to mess up designing clothes meant for drooling idiots in darkened rooms, but the geniuses over at Zara have mastered it. After deciding to add some toddler PJs to the lineup and presumably going back and forth on what would be the absolute cutest design, Zara settled on little sheriff outfits. The problem? Apparently, when looking for inspiration they slightly misspelled "Western movies" and accidentally typed "Holocaust documentaries."
"Uh -- damn dyslexia."
When every summer movie is like 80 percent special effects and 20 percent actual people (mostly Gary Oldman), it might be time to stop calling them "special." It's gotten so ridiculous that pretty soon IMDb is going to have to create new categories for all those digital hair tracers, ab sculptors, and dick jiggle physics specialists working on every movie. Unfortunately, past the flashy visuals and explosions of the big screen lies the seedy underbelly of the visual effects industry, which involves shady dealings like ...
#4. Visual Effects Are Making Even the Best Filmmakers Lazy
Fun fact: Here's what the orcs in The Hobbit almost looked like.
New Line Cinema
Congratulations, you're now suffering from metal poisoning just from this picture.
Hey, everyone who just refuses to let the 1990s go, a Full House revival is once again in talks, but this time, it might actually happen! Original executive producers Jeff Franklin and Bob Boyett -- as well as a number of original cast members -- are all on board to mine your nostalgia for dollar signs.
But according to actor Blake Tuomy-Wilhoit, who played one of Uncle Jesse's mutant twin children and was not invited to participate in the reunion, "As far as I know, the new show is not a [Full House reunion] ... it will revolve around a few characters from the show though." Adding even more fuel to this speculative fire is the fact that John Stamos, Dave Coulier, and Bob Saget have been making an unusual number of public appearances together. This seems to suggest that the new series will be about three old men living together in San Francisco, which is less of a sitcom and more of an excerpt from a census report.
We have a better idea: just gather up the former stars of Full House, lock them all in that same townhouse, and then film this grand guignol a la The Real World. A Full House reality show reunion would be the most balls-out, shit-flingingest television show in history, because ...
#4. The Kids Will Probably Kill Each Other
The two actresses who played the eldest Tanner girls have gone in staggeringly different directions with their lives: Jodie Sweetin spent her adulthood in and out of rehab for a kaleidoscope of rampaging addictions, whereas Candace Cameron Bure has become an evangelical Christian. Suddenly, the prospect of watching them argue over having to share a room is 10 times more dramatic than it ever was when Full House was on the air, because now D.J. can scream at Stephanie about the time she got blackout drunk at D.J.'s wedding.
Warner Bros. Television Distribution
"How rude," indeed.