Quick Fixes

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November 07, 2012

The 'Friends' Where Phoebe Is Almost Killed by Porn Barons

By Steve Erdal | 274,742 Views

There is an episode in the sixth season of Friends where Phoebe and Rachel's apartment catches fire. But we're never really told what caused the blaze. Was it Phoebe's candles? Was it an effigy some noble intruder burned to forever curse Jennifer Aniston's box office appeal? Was it Matthew Perry's smoldering crack pipe?

In truth, none of the above. We submit that the fire was actually caused by vengeful porn barons.

OK, stay with us here: We know from a previous episode that Phoebe's sister Ursula does porn using Phoebe's name instead of her own. At the end of that episode, Phoebe goes to the porn company (sort of like The Electric Company, if every word they spelled was "Knuckle") and picks up all of the checks Ursula earned in Phoebe's name, which we learn from this bit of dialogue with Lost in Space's Matt LeBlanc:

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November 06, 2012

9 Non-Political Issues That Divide American Voters

By Anita Serwacki | 287,458 Views

We must accept that this nation will remain hopelessly polarized until the day when a plague of antifungal-resistant ringworm makes everyone far too itchy to form and retain opinions. While the news media tend to focus on our rape-baby-based disagreements, the rifts are deeper and far more fundamental than that.

The only way to truly figure out why Obama and Romney voters exist on such separate sides of the political dance floor is to drill down into their most cherished preferences and desires.

Cracked investigates what makes these morons -- who will put on pants and go vote even though it doesn't matter because we all know that the president is a preselected extraterrestrial reptile -- tick.

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November 06, 2012

The 6 Most Baffling Trends in 2012 Election Propaganda

By Luis Prada, Trevor Schilingheyde | 254,750 Views

Malevolent governments used to make propaganda. Now, citizens do it all on their own with the help of Photoshop and terrible jokes. Whoever makes a meme of politicians probably thinks their 'shopped picture is going to hammer the final nail into the coffin of someone's political career. It never does.

#6. Batman Villains

Most politicians are dead-eyed piles of flesh in suits who would be more inspiring on bus bench real estate ads than on money. Batman villains are rogue badasses with impeccable style, supreme confidence and superhuman intelligence. So when someone Photoshops Mitt Romney or Barack Obama to look like Bane ...

normanricky, Know Your Meme

Molly, Mama Pop
"Let's see what breaks first, America. Your respect for the electoral process or your ability to tolerate your Facebook feed."

... they're proving what all of our Facebook feeds proved this Halloween: Everyone looks badass wearing Bane's mask.

The same goes for painting up a politician to look like the Joker:

Obama goes from looking like a supermarket regional manager to looking like that dude who made a pencil disappear in a gangster's head.

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November 05, 2012

5 Crazy People Who You Can Elect President Tomorrow

By Anita Serwacki | 255,491 Views

Tomorrow, America will make a choice: Barack Obama or Mitt Romney. At least that's how the media will tell it, but the truth is, you've actually got a lot of options tomorrow, especially if you're hoping to waste your vote on someone who is likely insane. For example ...

#5. Montgomery Blair Sibley, Washington, D.C.: Write-In Candidate

montgomeryblairsibley.com

About Montgomery: Monty couldn't be bothered to file paperwork with the FEC, probably because he is very busy filing lawsuits challenging Obama's eligibility to run for president.

Turn-Ons: Telling long-winded tales of his impressive family lineage that somehow led to this bag of human genetics; proving his Scrabble bona fides by repeatedly using the word "quixotic."

Turn-Offs: The term "natural born citizen" as applied to Barack Obama, which is total bullshit.

Why You Should Consider Monty: He retains his principles in the face of adversity. "I was subsequently suspended from the practice of law in three state and thirteen federal courts as a result of my divorce proceedings. Though my suspensions have run, I have chosen not to return to the practice of law as I believe the system is so corrupt and I will not be muzzled by it as a result of being a member of the bar."

Fun Fact: He once argued a case ON THE SAME FLOOR as the John Gotti trial. For real!