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September 02, 2012

6 Filthy Pieces of Graffiti from Ancient History

By CRACKED Staff | 287,271 Views

We're often reminded of how important it is to respect one's elders, and for the most part, we take this advice to heart. However, there are going to be instances in life where respecting your elders just isn't something that's possible.

Take comedy, for example. If the "respect your elders" doctrine is to be followed to the letter, what we'd be getting ready to do right now is commend the people of old-timey Pompeii for the razor-sharp wit and humor found in these six graffiti drawings. But that's not going to happen, because the truth of the matter is, the people of Pompeii were kind of awful at jokes.

Here are six awkward attempts at comedy from ancient Pompeii ...

#6. "Epaphra, You Are Bald."

Lazy. That's what this sad attempt at humor would be classified as. Epaphra almost certainly knows he's bald already, and while reminding people by writing it on a wall might be a dickish thing to do, it's hardly what anyone would call a clever putdown.

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September 01, 2012

6 Terrifying Spiders That Will Haunt Your Dreams

By CRACKED Staff | 616,397 Views

They're bite-sized and terrified of us, and they keep the mosquito population from obliterating mankind. In return, we rank them somewhere between bears and serial killers on the list of things you don't want to see in your home. We're speaking, of course, about spiders.

That's not to say we're overly sympathetic, though. After all, if spiders didn't want us to be terrified of them, they wouldn't run around looking so damn terrifying. Here are six terrifying spiders that will haunt your dreams ...

#6. Scorpion-Tailed Spider

RealMonstrosities.com

The scorpion-tailed spider is so named for the weird, elongated abdomen of the female, which may not sting like a scorpion, but can wiggle and curl around to presumably confuse its predators. You don't have to do the whole routine, honey, we were already confused enough.

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August 31, 2012

Clint Eastwood's Chair Speech (From His Point of View)

By CRACKED Staff | 206,236 Views

So Clint Eastwood went insane last night. Maybe it wasn't the textbook definition of insanity, but his nearly 12-minute speech at the Republican National Convention last night was about as close to crazy as you can get without having your microphone cut and the remainder of your speech replaced with a slideshow of bald eagles flying in front of mountains and flags.

While the highlights are plenty, the moment that's attracted the most attention was a bizarre "interview" with an empty chair. Clearly, this is a senile old man finally breaking, which is sad, but it also raises an obvious question. Who or what did Clint Eastwood think he was talking to in that chair? We have a few ideas ...

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August 31, 2012

4 Shockingly Simple Art Heists That Actually Worked

By Samuel Flashner | 205,132 Views

If Hollywood had a yearbook, art thieves would win best hair every year. On screen, art crimes are portrayed as more sophisticated than brain surgery, with criminals more suave than a Dos Equis commercial. But like most everything else, Hollywood has this completely wrong. While there are plenty of skilled criminals in the world, their services just aren't needed in the art world, where boosting insanely expensive paintings can come down to something as simple as ...

#4. Thief Randomly Steals $4 Million Painting

On February 18, 1997, a young man scaled the walls of the Galleria Ricci Oddi, climbed onto the roof and dropped a fishing line down through a skylight, hoping to snag something of value. What he "caught" was a painting called "Portrait of a Woman" by Gustav Klimt, valued at over $4 million. Prominent scholars refer to the heist as "The most unlikely catch in history since Billy Bob Thornton landed Angelina Jolie" (citation needed).