Quick Fixes


October 21, 2012

3 Science Fictions We Really Just Built

By Luke McKinney | 302,693 Views

Science fiction authors are desperately racing to stay ahead of the rampaging creations of real science, or at least wishing they'd thought of that plot. You'd swear scientists were trying to keep up the average IQ by canceling out every episode of reality TV with a brand new invention. And they're winning. These are just a few of the incredible things we've completed, discovered or "laughed maniacally while throwing the huge sparking ON switch" of in the last month.

#3. Laser Blasting Another World

Star Trek had a machine which could vaporize rock, another which could measure anything and real rocket scientists sneered "inefficient." NASA got a phaser and a tricorder drunk and welded the result onto a mast on an interplanetary atomic sciencetank. The Curiosity Rover's ChemCam amplifies the idea "looking at things" so hard that the thing is no longer there. Because it looks Cyclops-style with dozens of million watt laser blasts, then works out what used to be there by analyzing the glow of the vaporized ex-something. And we fired it on Mars.

Robot graffiti is impossible to remove

It combines a camera with a laser to shoot whatever is being recorded. If YouTube used that technology we'd improve the human race within a week. It's also why we put it on the mast of our ambassador robots -- it's way scarier than a Skull and Crossbones and kicks much more ass. If you think you can't have pirates on Mars because there was no water, Curiosity also found evidence that there was running water. We are right now driving an exoplanatery robot along the stream bed of one of the most exciting clues about life on another planet and the possible fate of our own. If you're into that kind of thing.


October 20, 2012

The 5 Most Embarrassing Ways Churches Are Trying to Be Hip

By XJ Selman | 343,238 Views

Church attendance is dwindling in this day and age, and churches are finally starting to realize that if they don't adapt, they're going to go extinct faster than gingers. Hilariously, this is the best any of them have come up with so far ...

#5. Church Plays Techno Music Like a Club


Since most young people these days spend their nights grinding up on each other while synthesized music tears apart their eardrums, priests at Church of All Saints in Stockholm decided that techno music was the obvious solution for recent attendance problems.

And, because apparently there are no dance clubs in Sweden, it totally worked. So much so, in fact, that the church had to add extra seating to accommodate the scores of revelers who turned out to raise their glow sticks in praise of Jesus.


October 19, 2012

The 6 Types of People Who Tweet Directly to the Candidates

By Anita Serwacki | 232,540 Views

Just like Demi Moore's whip-it binge, it's Ashton Kutcher's fault that Americans expect direct interaction with celebrities on Twitter. Until @aplusk tweeted support for a child-molester enabler and had to turn over his Twitter account to suits, he included his millions of followers in nearly every stupid fucking moment of his existence. Before long, every housebound yo-yo in Missouri felt entitled to be a part of their famous Twitter pals' lives. That cocky attitude has spilled directly into the feeds of our presidential candidates.

Some people truly believe that Obama is furiously scrolling though Twitter while he crisscrosses the country in Air Force One. And that Romney, gliding thousands of leagues under the ocean's surface in his shark-shaped luxury submarine named AquaMitt, actually has Wi-Fi down there.

Many of their ranks are made up of the charmingly naive. Here are the six types of people who Tweet at the presidential candidates ...

#6. The Totally Confused

You heard the people, Mr. President. Stop jamming tweets down their throats like all the other throat-jamming things you won't stop jamming down throats!


October 17, 2012

5 Movies That Prove the Action Genre Won't Let a Dog Die

By Patrick Thomas | 239,960 Views

Film auteur Michael Bay is quoted as saying, "Never kill a dog," and we assume that he is talking about movies and not real life. However, some directors (especially Bay) delight in killing absolutely everything in their movies except the dog.

#5. Dante's Peak

Dante's Peak is a movie wherein stupid people contemptuously fail to escape the most lethargic type of natural disaster that currently exists. The film showcases men drowning, women having their brains melted by volcanic projectiles and children getting boiled by acid.

However, during their escape across a river of lava, Pierce Brosnan and his family frantically steer their truck toward Rougy the dog after unanimously agreeing that she must be rescued at all costs.

They've watched their closest friends and loved ones perish horrifically, and they are currently trying to ford a stream of molten rock in a dusty old pickup truck, but they must risk a burning instant death to save the one member of their family that can be replaced for about $200.