Baseball season got underway recently, so mark your calendars for sometime in late September, when things will finally become worthy of your time and attention. In the meantime, have fun with us as we take a look at the newly redesigned Miami Marlins, whose transformation into the Don Johnson circa 1985 of Major League Baseball is finally complete.
They lost in their bid to lure Albert Pujols to town, but at least they've got animatronic fish and the guy from Creed to show for it.
Here are four reasons why the Miami Marlins are the tackiest franchise in sports.
How are Apple devices so fast? They fake it.
When you touch an app to load it on your iPhone or iPad, instead of the program, it sends you a picture of the program, a completely fake, non-functional image to make it appear that the app loaded super fast. If you touch it, you'll find that it doesn't do anything, because it's a facade meant to hide the fact that the actual program hasn't loaded yet, with you pawing at it like a fly landing on a drawing of another fly and trying to hump it.
Meanwhile, the real program loads in the background, and a few seconds later will seamlessly replace the fake screenshot. They're just betting that your fingers won't be fast enough to hit the non-functioning buttons before the real ones take their place. It's kind of like a restaurant sending you out a photorealistic picture of a hamburger to make you think their kitchen is super fast, then quickly slipping the real burger under the picture while you're stuffing your napkin into your shirt collar.
Hollywood is full of bad ideas, but few of those ideas are ever quite as horrific as the ones that lead to remaking a classic film. Did the world really need an updated version of The Longest Yard with Adam Sandler in the lead role? Nope, we sure didn't.
But "some things just shouldn't be messed with" is a lesson Hollywood will likely never learn. So for as long as we have movies, we'll have shitty remakes to infuriate us. Here are a few we hope never happen.
Michael Bay's Gone With the Wind
If Michael Bay is ever going to put up James Cameron-like numbers at the box office, he's going to have to start adding 90 minutes of tedious romance bullshit to his usual parade of explosions that happen at night and bigger explosions that also happen at night. Putting his own unique spin on Gone With the Wind would give Michael Bay a wide open landscape filled with pointless dialogue that's desperately in need of being replaced with a shot of a flaming van driving off of an interstate overpass.
As an added bonus, all of the racist characters are already in place, so no breakdancing robots or whatever.
Garry Marshall's Independence Day
The marketing departments at movie studios are in the business of boiling the success and failure of movies down to simple formulas. Based on the posters from the first half of this year, the formula they seem to have settled on is "Movie Posters MINUS Face EQUALS Money."
While the Lincoln poster is admittedly badass, it appears that Abraham Lincoln is actively hiding his face from us for no apparent reason. If he wanted to hide his identity, he probably would have chosen something besides a Lincoln stovepipe hat to hide behind. The entire premise of Haywire is "beautiful woman realistically beats the shit out of people," and its poster opts to hide her face and instead go for more of a Slash from Guns N' Roses look. We're not sure what Now You See Me is about, but it seems content letting us assume it's a caper set in an early iPod advertisement.
Now there's a logic at work here that, like all bad ideas, makes sense in certain contexts. For instance, some blockbusters opt to show a simple logo instead of actors.
Nolan's gritty Batman movies, Spider-Man and the Hunger Games books all have bigger fan bases than any individual actor in those movies, so it makes sense that they'd use their logo. Other times, blockbusters are willing to acknowledge that they do, in fact, contain characters by opting for the "show the character from behind, thus leaving open the possibility that it's your favorite actor" design:
This can also be useful if you have something to hide; for instance, that your comedy is only produced by the guy who directed The Hangover, and doesn't have any of the recognizable stars from The Hangover in it. Is that Bradley Cooper passed out face down in the grass? The makers of Project X aren't telling ...