Morpheus and the Architect stand behind the lectern in a packed White House press room. Morpheus addresses the crowd.
"People, hear me! You are all living in a vast simulation, a prison for your mind two centuries in your future. I am here to tell you that everything is controlled by evil machines! I am here to tell you that you are now free! I am here, and feel I should add that I am not crazy!"
Murmuring from the crowd indicates that nobody believes any of this. Especially the last part. The Architect sighs, and addresses the crowd.
"What he says is true. This is a simulation." Everyone in the Matrix suddenly spends five seconds in their goo tank before returning to the Matrix. Millions are violently sick. More people swear about never wanting to go through that again. Morpheus faces the crowd with his cool mirrored shades, the worst possible thing to be wearing when you're asking people to trust you.
The European Commission has a problem. First of all, they're being featured in a Cracked article despite nobody here being anything more than vaguely familiar with the organization. That means this entire piece is destined to be filled with half-truths and misinformation. On top of that, they've been tasked with getting women interested in science despite clearly having no working knowledge of how to appeal to women.
As part of their campaign to make Bunsen burners and beakers appeal to broads, the EC released a new promotional video called "Science: It's a Girl Thing!" It opens with a stereotypically model-esque male scientist caught totally off guard ...
Hard work is for dummies. That's why we like to take time out of our busy schedule once in a while to spotlight those men and women who get shit done the right way ... by stealing other people's work and passing it off as their own.
The Defendant: Miranda Lambert
"You Only Live Once," a phrase sorority girls use to signal that they're about to make a bad decision, has recently become freaking huge with everyone else. Most historians credit the hip-hop artist Drake, who observed, "You only live once, that's the motto nigga Y.O.L.O." on his hit song "The Motto." And while Y.O.L.O. is currently the M.F.T.M.A.T. (Most Frequently Trending Meaningless Acronym on Twitter), we regret to inform the young people of America that we've found multiple exceptions to that rule.