The Renaissance featured some of the greatest artists and intellects the world had ever seen. Now they're cheaply drawn turtles who hit people, and Italy wants to continue that trend.
Also: How stupid was it that they made Donatello the inventor, not Leonardo?
#3. The Reverse Witchcraft Trial
In an attempt to reverse the Dark Ages but still end up with something terrible, an Italian court has sentenced six scientists to prison for not predicting the future. Before the L'Aquila earthquake of 2009, scientists of the National Commission for the Forecast and Prevention of Major Risks explained that the hundreds of recent minor tremors didn't change the risk of an earthquake, which couldn't be excluded. Unfortunately, a commission civil servant then excluded the shit out of it at a press conference by saying that it was safe to stay at home and drink wine. This quote was popular, because "drinking to convince yourself everything will be fine" is always popular.
"One more glass, then I'll find a nice fault line to nap on while holding all my valuables."
When this misinformation killed people, the media pounced on the arrest of the scientists, because the alternative was admitting "That's kind of our fault for reporting sound bites instead of facts." Leading Italian scientists resigned in protest. So Italy can look forward to weather reports issued by a shaman slaughtering goats on live TV, because from now on no one will so much as predict who's there after a knock-knock joke. You also have local government, which let people live in non-earthquake-proof old buildings in the middle of a possibly literally goddamned earthquake zone, but we're sure the word "scapegoat" never entered their heads. If only because the word is "capro espiatorio" in Italian.
Traditionally, living in a car is a lifestyle that only serial killers and mystery-solving college dropouts enjoy. But, if your blood type is money and you dream of having to spend every night looking for a place to park your house, these four trailers are the answer you've been searching for, and without exception they are all infinitely nicer than the one-bedroom carpet stain the rest of us cry ourselves to sleep in.
#4. Volkner Performance Bus
Priced at a mere $1.9 million, the Volkner Mobil Performance Bus combines all of the comforts of palatial luxury with the joy of owning a condo that can be stolen by a crackhead with a brick. This 40-foot-long impulse purchase of a first-round NBA draft pick features leather sofas, a home theater entertainment system and a full-size kitchen, because for some reason they figured that a person buying this bus would be interested in preparing their own meals. It even has a secret compartment underneath to store a sports car, because the Volkner designers evidently got all of their engineering textbooks from a pile of G.I. Joes at a Wayne Manor garage sale.
"If you're going to have a big obnoxious car, why not have it carry a little obnoxious car?"
Races are supposed to be fun (we guess), or at the very least they aren't supposed to kill you, so you're free to have fun after completing them. These races, however, make no such promises in either department.
#5. Tough Mudder
Tough Mudder is a 10- to 12-mile obstacle course designed by the British Special Forces for the sole purpose of beating your ass for charity. The obstacles can vary from location to location (our favorite is the "turd's nest," which we assume refers to when a McDonald's employee loses her hair weave in the toilet), but some of the standard ones include running through fire:
Falling off of greased monkey bars into freezing water:
Somehow, this is a contest.
To keep up with Suzi, follow her on Twitter @suzi_barrett.