Hollywood dumps an entire summer's worth of wannabe blockbusters into December, so it's tough to tell which ones are good, which ones are terrible and which ones are bizarre Robert Zemeckis cartoons featuring dead-eyed replicants of Tom Hanks and Jim Carrey. Here are the movies you should probably avoid this month.
#4. Dino Time 3D
The trailer for Dino Time 3D looks like the fake movie that gets interrupted to remind everyone in the theater to silence their cellphones. We kept expecting Hulk Hogan to stand up in the middle of it, crush his popcorn and threaten to beat the shit out of the gremlins in the projection booth. Also, Rob Schneider is exactly as funny as the lust murder from Se7en, so taking your kids to see this would probably be about as enjoyable as paying a gout-footed hobo $40 to grab you by the ears and scream into your open mouth.
Billie Joe Armstrong is in rehab. You know that because we mentioned it here a few weeks ago and this is where you come to get news. That's a questionable choice. We just don't know how else to say it.
Speaking of questionable choices, we have our suspicions that Billie Joe Armstrong's recent stint in rehab is the result of a scourge that has plagued so many bands before. It's with much concern that we report: Green Day may have a Yoko Ono problem.
When the first extraterrestrial life forms to ever land on the planet Earth made contact with human beings, they were looking for one thing and one thing only: a neutral safe haven in the galaxy.
The people they made contact with decided that the best course of action would be to conceal the most significant discovery in human history for the next 60 years while secretly profiting off of the aliens' vast knowledge and technology, because the people they made contact with were Americans.
"Coming in peace is all well and good, but it doesn't pay the bills."
Some superheroes stand for truth and justice. Others stand for an incorporated product that's desperately and shamelessly targeting young children for their parents' money.
#6. Combo Man
Combo Man was an early '90s rebuttal to the argument that Marvel sold out when they were bought by Disney. Created as a cross-promotion with Combos, the stuffed pretzel snacks typically purchased alongside Steel Reserve and pornography, Combo Man had the non-specific ability to copy the superpowers of every major character in the Marvel universe, meshing them together into a single ridiculous hero typically found doodled on the corner of a third grade math test.
As if his mere existence wasn't a clear enough advertisement, several different Marvel series featured mail order coupons for bodacious Combo Man gear that would in no way invite relentless schoolyard beatings. Please note that the T-shirt was only available in XL, which suggests that they knew exactly what type of child would read a comic book about a cheese pretzel superhero.