Plenty of sites will tell you about all of the great albums that you should be formulating a plan to illicitly download without your Internet Service Provider finding out and telling the RIAA this month. But what about the albums you should avoid? Who speaks to those consumers who just wander into a record store, randomly grab a stack of CDs and bolt out the door with no consideration for what they're purchasing?
Well, for one thing, those people probably don't exist. But if they did, here are the albums they should make a conscious effort to avoid this month.
#4. Big & Rich -- Hillbilly Jedi
That album cover is what happens when a country music duo consults an Internet marketing agency for advice on how to sell records. How Charlie Sheen didn't end up in that picture is beyond us.
This is one of those country groups with a rapper in their entourage. In other words, they're the only country group with a rapper in their entourage. Having secured the fandom of the 15 black people in America who care about country music, this album is an attempt to lock down the 18 or so Star Wars geeks who might share the same passion. Brilliant.
Everyone should have a hobby. Unfortunately, hobbies are like sexual preferences -- you don't get to pick what you're into, you're just born that way. If you were unlucky enough to be born with a passion for something lame, follow the lead of these people and turn your ridiculous pastime into an audacious display of badassery. Kind of like ...
#3. Richard Hamel's Radio-Controlled Dragon
Radio-controlled aircraft are interesting for about 35 seconds; after that, you're just watching a plane fly. Richard Hamel, a plumbing, heating and air-conditioning contractor by trade, found a way to extend that by hundreds of seconds with one simple hack:
Radio-controlled aircraft? BAM! Now it's a fire-breathing radio-controlled aircraft!
Fine, maybe it's not that simple. But it uses a 50,000-volt stun gun circuit wired to a canister of liquid propane to make a flying dragon that you control shoot flames from its mouth, so no amount of work is too much.
We're often reminded of how important it is to respect one's elders, and for the most part, we take this advice to heart. However, there are going to be instances in life where respecting your elders just isn't something that's possible.
Take comedy, for example. If the "respect your elders" doctrine is to be followed to the letter, what we'd be getting ready to do right now is commend the people of old-timey Pompeii for the razor-sharp wit and humor found in these six graffiti drawings. But that's not going to happen, because the truth of the matter is, the people of Pompeii were kind of awful at jokes.
Here are six awkward attempts at comedy from ancient Pompeii ...
#6. "Epaphra, You Are Bald."
Lazy. That's what this sad attempt at humor would be classified as. Epaphra almost certainly knows he's bald already, and while reminding people by writing it on a wall might be a dickish thing to do, it's hardly what anyone would call a clever putdown.
They're bite-sized and terrified of us, and they keep the mosquito population from obliterating mankind. In return, we rank them somewhere between bears and serial killers on the list of things you don't want to see in your home. We're speaking, of course, about spiders.
That's not to say we're overly sympathetic, though. After all, if spiders didn't want us to be terrified of them, they wouldn't run around looking so damn terrifying. Here are six terrifying spiders that will haunt your dreams ...
#6. Scorpion-Tailed Spider
The scorpion-tailed spider is so named for the weird, elongated abdomen of the female, which may not sting like a scorpion, but can wiggle and curl around to presumably confuse its predators. You don't have to do the whole routine, honey, we were already confused enough.