Quick Fixes

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November 09, 2012

The 5 Least Anticipated Albums of November 2012

By Adam Tod Brown | 188,196 Views

We've reached that point in the year when desperate people with lots of friends and family to please start making really bad decisions. Here are a few of the misguided gifts they'll be purchasing for the music fans in their lives.

#5. Rihanna -- Unapologetic (Diamonds Executive Platinum Box Edition)

rihanna.fanfire.com

The parenthetical portion of this album title reads like the product of market research conducted to determine what words people most associate with having enough expendable cash to justify dropping $250 on a Rihanna album.

So what do you get for that decadent price tag? Robbed. And a View-Master.

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November 08, 2012

3 Astounding Works of Art Made of Water

By Kier Harris | 230,137 Views

Water is a life-giving natural resource that is cripplingly precious in many areas of the world. As such, it is the duty of First World nations to dump it out like that bottle of Steel Reserve you found a mouse foot in to make delightful moving artwork for the upper middle class to enjoy.

#3. The Osaka Station City Picture Fountain

Arch20.com, Vimeo

You'd have trouble throwing pennies into the fountain at Osaka Station City in Japan, unless you're the type of person who likes throwing rocks through windows, in which case you would have absolutely no trouble throwing pennies into the fountain at Osaka Station City in Japan. You see, the fountain is a vertical wall, a sort of programmed waterfall run by software that releases controlled droplets in formations that create pictures, words and a time display -- virtually any two-dimensional image. The end result looks like the cascading tears of a giant wish troll:

VideoFunStation, Youtube
It's just a matter of time before someone programs this thing to play Mario.

Every image in the fountain seems lifted from the victory screen of a Japanese video game, complete with phrases written puzzlingly in English.

Article

November 07, 2012

The 'Friends' Where Phoebe Is Almost Killed by Porn Barons

By Steve Erdal | 269,608 Views

There is an episode in the sixth season of Friends where Phoebe and Rachel's apartment catches fire. But we're never really told what caused the blaze. Was it Phoebe's candles? Was it an effigy some noble intruder burned to forever curse Jennifer Aniston's box office appeal? Was it Matthew Perry's smoldering crack pipe?

In truth, none of the above. We submit that the fire was actually caused by vengeful porn barons.

OK, stay with us here: We know from a previous episode that Phoebe's sister Ursula does porn using Phoebe's name instead of her own. At the end of that episode, Phoebe goes to the porn company (sort of like The Electric Company, if every word they spelled was "Knuckle") and picks up all of the checks Ursula earned in Phoebe's name, which we learn from this bit of dialogue with Lost in Space's Matt LeBlanc:

Article

November 06, 2012

9 Non-Political Issues That Divide American Voters

By Anita Serwacki | 285,011 Views

We must accept that this nation will remain hopelessly polarized until the day when a plague of antifungal-resistant ringworm makes everyone far too itchy to form and retain opinions. While the news media tend to focus on our rape-baby-based disagreements, the rifts are deeper and far more fundamental than that.

The only way to truly figure out why Obama and Romney voters exist on such separate sides of the political dance floor is to drill down into their most cherished preferences and desires.

Cracked investigates what makes these morons -- who will put on pants and go vote even though it doesn't matter because we all know that the president is a preselected extraterrestrial reptile -- tick.