Quick Fixes

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October 09, 2012

The 6 Most Baffling Crimes Pulled Off by Senior Citizens

By Xavier Jackson, Josh Hrala | 254,346 Views

Old people are like hamsters -- adorable, but generally useless. However, some of them try to shatter at least half of this stereotype by breaking the law in spectacular fashion.

#6. The Geezer Bandit

An elderly man has been robbing southern California banks for the past three years, earning him the nickname "The Geezer Bandit" from the FBI.

fbi.gov
Because "The Fucking Old as Shit Bandit" gets filtered out by Safe Search.

He wears a cap and sunglasses and hides his gun beneath an oversized day planner (presumably the same one he uses to hide his freight train erection while watching Caroline in the City reruns with his wife). The feds are currently offering a $20,000 reward for any information that leads to his stone-fisted beating for making them look like fools.

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October 06, 2012

The 6 Stupidest Things You Can Pay People to Do for You

By XJ Selman | 288,733 Views

In awful economic times like these, it's important that we still set a little cash aside to waste on completely superfluous bullshit. After all, there are people out there whose continued ability to pay their bills depends on our willingness to part with our hard-earned money on frivolous nonsense. Don't believe us? Check out these ridiculous companies that, for just a little bit of that paycheck you work so very hard for, will perform worthless tasks on your behalf. Such as ...

#6. Be Your Wingman

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Having trouble landing a woman at the bar? Tired of going home alone after a long night of "Hey bartender, send a few drinks to the table over there, on me," just to get strange looks? Worry no longer, because services are popping up that allow you to hire women to act as your wingman; that is, if you're willing to spend $72 an hour.

In Boston, you can hire sexy women from Hire A Boston WingWoman to go out with you to the bars to help you pick up other sexy women. Because if there's one thing we all know to be true, it's that the best relationships are built on a foundation of lies.

Article

October 05, 2012

4 Actors Who Went Through Physical Torture for Stupid Movies

By C. Coville | 511,307 Views

Critics and viewers alike have long expressed admiration for actors who achieve physical transformations to prepare for movie roles. Think of Natalie Portman getting into ballerina shape for Black Swan, or Tom Hardy gaining muscle and cutting off part of his face to play Bane in The Dark Knight Rises. But what about actors who do this for movies that turn out to be absolutely terrible? For example:

#4. Jared Leto

In 2007, Jared Leto put on 60 pounds for his starring role in Chapter 27, a film about the fat dude who shot John Lennon. In the process, he managed to give himself gout. Near the end of shooting, the guy was in so much pain from the shock weight gain that he "couldn't walk for long distances" and had to use a wheelchair. Oh, and in case you're thinking that at least he got to let himself go and eat a bunch of delicious food, note that he did it by stuffing himself with melted ice cream laced with olive oil and soy sauce.

The Result

Chapter 27 got a whopping 18 percent on Rotten Tomatoes and earned $56,000 at the U.S. box office on a budget of about $5 million.

Article

October 04, 2012

4 Mysterious Song Titles With Perfectly Stupid Explanations

By Mike Floorwalker | 373,467 Views

Sometimes a snappy title can be the difference between a hit song and a classic. "Stairway to Heaven" might not have been quite as memorable if it had been titled "Ed's Garage," for example.

Often it seems like musicians just pulled a cool combination of words out of a hat, and that's fine -- artists are allowed to be abstract and weird. It just kind of blows when you find out that the cool combination of words actually does mean something, and it is something really simple ... or even just kind of stupid.

#4. "Hair of the Dog" by Nazareth

If you don't think you've ever heard this song, it's only because you've always thought it was called, "Now you're messin' with a SON OF A BITCH!!!"


And yes, "Son of a Bitch" was Nazareth's intended title for both the song and the album. The record company said (fuck) no, so they just made a bad pun on their title. "Hair (Heir) of the Dog." Get it?