When the first extraterrestrial life forms to ever land on the planet Earth made contact with human beings, they were looking for one thing and one thing only: a neutral safe haven in the galaxy.
The people they made contact with decided that the best course of action would be to conceal the most significant discovery in human history for the next 60 years while secretly profiting off of the aliens' vast knowledge and technology, because the people they made contact with were Americans.
"Coming in peace is all well and good, but it doesn't pay the bills."
Some superheroes stand for truth and justice. Others stand for an incorporated product that's desperately and shamelessly targeting young children for their parents' money.
#6. Combo Man
Combo Man was an early '90s rebuttal to the argument that Marvel sold out when they were bought by Disney. Created as a cross-promotion with Combos, the stuffed pretzel snacks typically purchased alongside Steel Reserve and pornography, Combo Man had the non-specific ability to copy the superpowers of every major character in the Marvel universe, meshing them together into a single ridiculous hero typically found doodled on the corner of a third grade math test.
As if his mere existence wasn't a clear enough advertisement, several different Marvel series featured mail order coupons for bodacious Combo Man gear that would in no way invite relentless schoolyard beatings. Please note that the T-shirt was only available in XL, which suggests that they knew exactly what type of child would read a comic book about a cheese pretzel superhero.
Don't get us wrong -- the landing of the Mars rover was a magnificent scientific achievement and a solemn testament to our species' ability to not completely screw things up every now and again. Unfortunately, rovers are not the stuff of laughably overwrought Aerosmith songs that you hear at junior proms. But what about these future missions? Well, they each deserve their own double album of Steven Tyler's trademark imitation of a humpback whale's death knell.
#5. A Manned Mission to Mars
Even though the old space shuttle program has been euthanized, manned missions to space aren't over. Behold the Orion spacecraft. The capsule bears a striking resemblance to the old Apollo landers, but it's 10 times safer than the old space shuttle. And those things that look like helicopter pads? They're actually solar panels, so the ship itself can support astronauts for up to six months during deep space missions. This means we're going to the Red Planet, but not until at least 2021, as printing out all those "YO MARS, WE TOTALLY PENETRATED YOUR STRATOSPHERE" T-shirts takes awhile (and devising a better slogan takes even longer).
Horror is the only genre of film that produces unapologetically terrible movies that people willingly go to see. As long as the body count is high and entertaining, we will happily shell out ten bucks to sit through films whose reviews are rated on a scale of varying degrees of personal tragedy as opposed to the traditional one to five stars. However, filmmakers' pursuit of quirky, attention-getting "grabber" titles to make their films stand out amid the sea of bullshit on video store shelves has resulted in some utterly bizarre subgenres of horror that do their very best to defy explanation.
#5. Santa Claus Kills People