Quick Fixes


September 21, 2012

Why Obama Is the Least Efficient Antichrist Ever

By Soren Bowie | 341,755 Views

In the weeks leading up to the November election, President Obama will be doing everything within his power to remind the American people of his successes in office while simultaneously qualifying his mistakes. However, he will avoid one topic at all costs, because it has been, without a doubt, his most dismal failure. Regardless of whether you think Barack Obama has been a fit leader for the United States, he has been unquestionably bad at being an antichrist.

Invulnerability to fire? Let's not give him too much credit.

Four years ago, there was a lot of excitement around the promise of "change," and many Americans may have overestimated the potential for large-scale reform. Admittedly, it was hard not to be swept up in the magic of it all, in the possibilities of a man who seemed almost supernatural. But in retrospect, it proved a lot to ask of one person -- to be the answer to all our hopes and dreams, as well as the harbinger of the apocalypse.


But even knowing that he couldn't accomplish everything, it was like Obama wasn't even trying at any of his duties as the ruler of hell on Earth. When he should have been breaking his covenant with seven nations and declaring himself God within their temples, instead he bought a dog. When he was supposed to be searing his mark into the hands and foreheads of his worshipers and executing anyone who refused the brand, he was off singing Al Green songs at the Apollo.


Now, we all understand that big jobs require flexible time frames; the Abu Ghraib fiasco at the beginning of his presidency prepared us for that. But the antichrist is already supposed to be slaughtering the righteous and governing the world from a throne in Israel by his third year in power. Obama has done nothing but drag his feet and procrastinate about being unabashedly evil deep into his fourth year. Where is the colossal statue of him that springs to life and kills Christians? Where is the fire pouring out of the sky into the eyes of men? I don't even think he's drawn up any schematics.

Needless to say, those of us who expected Obama to reveal himself as the beast of sorrow and despair are more than a little disappointed. Instead, we got universal health care and environmental protection acts. And now he has the nerve to ask for another four years to get everything done. Yeah right, Barry. If you're not going to take this seriously, we'll wait for the next antichrist, thank you very much.

We're beginning to question if Obama even has wicked horns.

Of course he has his apologists, making videos for YouTube and cluttering their own websites with adamant declarations that he is in fact the true antichrist. But these people are the die-hard Obama believers who started stocking up on assault rifles the moment he was elected. They want him to be the manifestation of evil so badly that they are blind to the truth we're all staring in the face after four years: Barack Obama is probably not the antichrist. It is entirely possible he is just a human male. So when you walk into your respective polling booths this November, remember: If you just want a regular old president, fine, vote for Obama. But if you are looking for world reorganization under the cloven hoof of physically manifested agony, maybe it's time to give some other guy a shot.


September 20, 2012

4 Buildings That Defy the Laws of Gravity

By Evan V. Symon , Kier Harris | 324,651 Views

Safety is always a concern these days, and that's kind of a bummer, because sometimes a person just wants to show up to their tedious day job at a building that's at least kind of terrifying. Just looking at the following freaks of modern architecture makes us want to dial up a team of first responders to be at the ready for the disaster that appears to be moments away from happening. Imagine what it's like for the lucky bastards who get to work at places like ...

#4. CCTV Headquarters

The CCTV headquarters is home to one of China's largest television broadcasters. Judging from the size of the place, we're assuming it's also where they keep their political dissidents.


For the record, that massive overhanging part with nothing underneath it is as tall as most skyscrapers are wide. The loop design allows a person to walk through the 44-story building in a complete circle. Relax, that only sounds like something you have no interest in doing. You'll probably change your mind once you get a look at the view.


September 19, 2012

3 Museum-Worthy Finds That People Ate Instead

By Cassandra Sue | 290,604 Views

When it comes to food, when do you pussy out? How old is too old to eat? Luckily, once again, history has supplied us with an answer. Apparently, if it's been around since before expiration dates were ever invented, it must still be good. Just ask the intestinal masochists who ate the following pieces of ancient history and lived to tell about it.

#3. 1,400-Year-Old Cheese Found in a Peat Bog

As a food critic in Ireland, it's no wonder one would tire of soda bread bake-offs and lively debates over the proper ratio of blood to pig offal in black pudding, but Helen Lucy Burke went as far as theft in an attempt to challenge her potato-dulled palate.

At a museum event displaying ancient stored cheese (because apparently people are willing to look at anything if it means coming in out of the rain), Burke snatched and ate a piece of "bog butter" -- dairy scraps and farm leftovers that, 1,400 years ago, had been packed in intestine, stored in a wooden barrel and buried in a peat bog.

She described it as "rancid" and "athlete's footy," yet "not revolting."

No. Of course it wasn't.

No different from gas station nachos.


September 18, 2012

A Word About the Parasite Controlling Your Brain

By David Wong | 250,499 Views

Hi, this is Cracked Senior Editor David Wong, and I want you to guess which of the following scientific facts is NOT true:

A. There is an insectlike parasite in nature that crawls into another creature's mouth, eats its tongue, then replaces the tongue with its own body, so that the host creature continues to live and eat, never realizing the parasite is there.


B. A different microscopic parasite is responsible for nearly half of all human deaths since the Stone Age.

C. There is a brain parasite that lives in mammals and alters their behavior. Up to 3 billion humans carry this parasite.

D. When musicians play an instrument and miss a beat (because a finger slips, or they're a half-second slow, etc.), there is a secret pattern to their misses, as if all humans are subconsciously playing a hidden song with their "mistakes."

E. A rugby player in England broke his neck during practice and suffered a stroke as a result. When he woke up in the hospital, he was suddenly gay.