It's commonly noted that tragedy brings out the best in people, but that's not true: Some people are just really awesome and only rarely get a chance to show it. Other people, who are total douchebags, take advantage of tragedy by continuing to act exactly as terrible as they always do, making us say, "Yeah, wow, you really just suck."
During Hurricane Sandy, they were the people who did things like ...
#5. Post Fake Photos of the Storm
You may have seen this photo making the rounds on Facebook in the hours leading up to Sandy making landfall in the States:
If you're a professional Internet, or even a casual Internet, you're well aware that Disney has bought Lucasfilm for $4 billion and that a new Star Wars trilogy will start in 2015. If you're any kind of nerd, you FREAKED OUT OMG THANKS GEORGE LUCAS FOR CRAPPING ON MY CHILDHOOD AGAIN NICE FLANNEL YOU FUCK.
Hopefully you didn't get too many stares, and hopefully you calmed down, or at least turned Caps Lock off. As a Star Wars fan, I can assure you that this is actually a very good thing. As someone who has no insider info whatsoever, I can still assure you of that with only moderately less confidence. You see ...
#4. Disney Makes Some Pretty Good Movies
Disney makes some bad movies, too, but so does everyone, except the Coen brothers. If you're a Star Trek fan, you have gotten a big chunk of bad television and film, as well as a big chunk of great television and film. That's how franchises work. You get a lot of it, some of it's good, and some of it's bad. It's actually a good thing that the Star Wars franchise has opened up to more than three new movies every 20 years. Maybe in 2015 you won't say about Star Wars, "Three of the movies are terrible, two are good, and one is great." Maybe you'll be able to add another "good" to that list. Or at least a "not terrible." So every two or three years, you will get to see another Star Wars film, and it won't be absolutely terrible, because Disney doesn't make terrible movies. At their worst, they make mediocre movies. At their best, they make Toy Story 3 and The Avengers. Did you forget that, in 2009, Disney bought Marvel and then made The Avengers? Didn't you LOVE The Avengers? No? Did you at least like? No? Then please leave this Internet.
NASA is responsible for some of the most amazing technological miracles of the past century (that whole "putting a man on the moon" thing was craaaaazy). As consumers, it is our duty to take those amazing achievements and repurpose them in totally asinine and self-serving ways.
#5. Cancer-Destroying Balloons That Fix Your Hair
NASA's Dennis Morrison created nanoceramics -- tiny ceramic balloons 10,000 times thinner than a human hair that can be filled with cancer medication and injected directly into malignant tumors. This is sort of like the plot to Armageddon, only instead of detonating an asteroid from the inside out, NASA is annihilating the swollen cancer baseball on Grandma's eyebrow.
Also Used For:
Frizz control. The nanoceramics release ions that smooth and relax hair, so a hairstyling company called Farouk Systems incorporated the technology into a line of flat irons, making the world a better place for Jared Leto.
The following all-new two-and-a-half minutes of distilled insanity comes from Cracked.com Senior Editor David Wong's catastrophically deranged book that somehow became a film adaptation starring Oscar nominee Paul Giamatti that was then somehow selected for the Sundance Film Festival and pretty much all of the other film festivals:
For those of you who saw the teaser months ago, this is a brand-new, full trailer for John Dies at the End, which will be splattering into theaters January 25. Oh, and for all of you who just said "It's surely not coming to MY city, I'll just download that shit off BitTorrent!" -- well, guess what: They're making it available for legit download on iTunes on December 27 of this year. Wait, shouldn't all movies be released this way?
Loyal readers know that I have been mentioning this thing about every five minutes since, oh, about 2007. Forgive me for my excitement, this is kind of a big deal for somebody who writes things on the Internet. For the rest of you, you have to admit that the movie looks like fun.
Oh, and can I take a moment to thank you guys? In addition to all of this, you people put me on the New York Times Best-Seller List with the sequel to John Dies at the End, titled This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously Dude, Don't Touch It, which came out at the beginning of this month. It has 276 five-star reviews on Amazon, so hopefully those won't all be angrily flung back at the stores where they were purchased, covered in urine. Here is an unrelated video of a farting hippo.