Quick Fixes


September 19, 2012

3 Museum-Worthy Finds That People Ate Instead

By Cassandra Sue | 290,318 Views

When it comes to food, when do you pussy out? How old is too old to eat? Luckily, once again, history has supplied us with an answer. Apparently, if it's been around since before expiration dates were ever invented, it must still be good. Just ask the intestinal masochists who ate the following pieces of ancient history and lived to tell about it.

#3. 1,400-Year-Old Cheese Found in a Peat Bog

As a food critic in Ireland, it's no wonder one would tire of soda bread bake-offs and lively debates over the proper ratio of blood to pig offal in black pudding, but Helen Lucy Burke went as far as theft in an attempt to challenge her potato-dulled palate.

At a museum event displaying ancient stored cheese (because apparently people are willing to look at anything if it means coming in out of the rain), Burke snatched and ate a piece of "bog butter" -- dairy scraps and farm leftovers that, 1,400 years ago, had been packed in intestine, stored in a wooden barrel and buried in a peat bog.

She described it as "rancid" and "athlete's footy," yet "not revolting."

No. Of course it wasn't.

No different from gas station nachos.


September 18, 2012

A Word About the Parasite Controlling Your Brain

By David Wong | 250,202 Views

Hi, this is Cracked Senior Editor David Wong, and I want you to guess which of the following scientific facts is NOT true:

A. There is an insectlike parasite in nature that crawls into another creature's mouth, eats its tongue, then replaces the tongue with its own body, so that the host creature continues to live and eat, never realizing the parasite is there.


B. A different microscopic parasite is responsible for nearly half of all human deaths since the Stone Age.

C. There is a brain parasite that lives in mammals and alters their behavior. Up to 3 billion humans carry this parasite.

D. When musicians play an instrument and miss a beat (because a finger slips, or they're a half-second slow, etc.), there is a secret pattern to their misses, as if all humans are subconsciously playing a hidden song with their "mistakes."

E. A rugby player in England broke his neck during practice and suffered a stroke as a result. When he woke up in the hospital, he was suddenly gay.


September 18, 2012

4 Questions for the (Now Bankrupt) Tupac Hologram Company

By Adam Tod Brown | 298,751 Views

Hey, remember when a hologram of Tupac performed at Coachella this year and it was all anyone could talk about for months afterward? Sure you do. So it might come as a bit of a surprise to know that Digital Domain Media Group, the company behind that technologically dazzling reanimation, has filed for bankruptcy.

Naturally, this brings up a few obvious questions. For starters ...

#4. How in the Hell Did This Happen?

Not since massive Internet buzz failed to turn Snakes on a Plane into the next Titanic has something that succeeded so greatly online managed to fail so dismally in the real world. After the Coachella performance went off without a hitch, rumors swirled about Tupac's hologram maybe going on tour. Seeing as how Dr. Dre reportedly paid upward of $400,000 to make this performance happen, the revenue opportunities should have been limitless. It was a great time to be in the "projecting images of dead stars onto a stage" business. Or so it seemed.

The good old days.

But we're hearing reports that the company knew it was in trouble for months, and now, they've thrown in the towel. It's like Tupac just got shot all over again. Except this time, the circumstances surrounding the death are a total mystery.


September 17, 2012

5 Surprisingly Positive Side Effects of Horrible Diseases

By Rebecca Martinson | 405,275 Views

Every day, millions of people around the world are infected with terrible diseases that permanently change their lives, occasionally bringing them to a sudden end. But sometimes those diseases carry amazing benefits, like when John Travolta got that cancer that gave him superpowers in Phenomenon.

#5. Syphilis Can Get You High

Imagine waking up in bed next to a lingerie-clad bag of flies wielding either a vagina pockmarked with red sores that look like nests for the worms from Tremors or a hate-gnarled penis with a name tag reading "Dr. Syphallus."

Not only do you have syphilis, but you also feel fantastic. This is because syphilis makes you high, duplicating many of cocaine's blessings in exchange for boiling your genitalia. It's like a giant mug of plague-coated coffee. So get up and go, you lucky so-and-so!