Every day, millions of people around the world are infected with terrible diseases that permanently change their lives, occasionally bringing them to a sudden end. But sometimes those diseases carry amazing benefits, like when John Travolta got that cancer that gave him superpowers in Phenomenon.
#5. Syphilis Can Get You High
Imagine waking up in bed next to a lingerie-clad bag of flies wielding either a vagina pockmarked with red sores that look like nests for the worms from Tremors or a hate-gnarled penis with a name tag reading "Dr. Syphallus."
Not only do you have syphilis, but you also feel fantastic. This is because syphilis makes you high, duplicating many of cocaine's blessings in exchange for boiling your genitalia. It's like a giant mug of plague-coated coffee. So get up and go, you lucky so-and-so!
The Indianapolis Colts have just opened the 2012 season with a new starting quarterback, Andrew Luck. Meanwhile, Apple has just shown the iPhone 5 off to the world. Both represent a new beginning in the midst of the loss of two men whose names were synonymous with their respective franchises, Peyton Manning and Steve Jobs.
Now, while the differences between the two men are glaring (namely that God himself could not fit Peyton's Easter Island-esque head through one of Jobs' signature black turtlenecks), their career paths have taken some surprisingly similar turns. For example ...
After an abysmal season, the Colts drafted Peyton Manning with the first overall pick of the 1998 NFL draft. Their faith in his abilities was rewarded when he obliterated several rookie records during his inaugural season, laying the groundwork for the years of success that would lie ahead for the Indianapolis Colts.
He still holds the record for most pretentious-looking rookie cards.
Forget Deadliest Catch, Ax Men and Ice Road Truckers -- whichever cable channel wants to reign supreme by creating the ultimate show about dangerous professions should toss a camera crew and a coked-out producer into some Afghani caves to film the exploits and inevitable death of al-Qaida's second in command. Over the past few years, that job has planted itself firmly atop the list of professions that most resemble being the drummer in Spinal Tap.
People get hurt all the time without noticing it. Occasionally, people get totally destroyed without noticing it, either.
#5. A Taser Barb to the Brain
A 27-year-old drunken Frenchman refused to divulge his identity to the police, who responded by shooting him in the head with a Taser (presumably because someone had mislabeled it "Lasso of Truth"). Later on, the man went to the hospital complaining of a terrible headache, as if the troll from Cat's Eye had crawled up his nostril to do Zumba in his cranium.
One of the barbed Taser darts was still embedded in the man's skull and had penetrated his brain, presumably activating a latent invisibility gene because nobody could see this without a fucking X-ray.