Quick Fixes


September 15, 2012

Al-Qaida's No. 2: The Easiest Kill in Terrorism

By Luis Prada | 185,425 Views

Forget Deadliest Catch, Ax Men and Ice Road Truckers -- whichever cable channel wants to reign supreme by creating the ultimate show about dangerous professions should toss a camera crew and a coked-out producer into some Afghani caves to film the exploits and inevitable death of al-Qaida's second in command. Over the past few years, that job has planted itself firmly atop the list of professions that most resemble being the drummer in Spinal Tap.


September 14, 2012

5 Horrific Injuries People Didn't Realize They Had

By Luis Prada | 357,306 Views

People get hurt all the time without noticing it. Occasionally, people get totally destroyed without noticing it, either.

#5. A Taser Barb to the Brain

A 27-year-old drunken Frenchman refused to divulge his identity to the police, who responded by shooting him in the head with a Taser (presumably because someone had mislabeled it "Lasso of Truth"). Later on, the man went to the hospital complaining of a terrible headache, as if the troll from Cat's Eye had crawled up his nostril to do Zumba in his cranium.

New Scientist

One of the barbed Taser darts was still embedded in the man's skull and had penetrated his brain, presumably activating a latent invisibility gene because nobody could see this without a fucking X-ray.


September 12, 2012

4 Legendary Pranks by Famous Comedians

By CRACKED Staff | 920,191 Views

Office pranks have grown more popular and elaborate since Jim put Dwight's stapler in a Jell-O mold on The Office. Unfortunately, those perpetrated by people who aren't written by Mindy Kaling and Greg Daniels tend to have a hit-to-miss ratio on par with most "humorous" coffee mugs. But there are those rare occasions when people who are funny for a living unleash their comedic sensibilities on the unsuspecting outside world, and the rest of us can only look on in admiration, and think about trying to start a slow clap ...

#4. Trey Parker Introduces Himself to Hollywood in the Most Memorable Way Possible

During the first season of South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone quickly became two of the most talked about names in Hollywood despite the fact that nobody knew what they looked like. It would be a few months before their faces caught up with them via magazine articles and the limited cinematic release of their first feature film, a cult comedy about the porn industry called Orgazmo. But for a few months there, Parker and Stone could have been two elderly Asian ladies for all anyone knew.

While researching Orgazmo, Parker became friendly with porn star Tim Lake, who invited him to one of the strangest parties in Hollywood history. Like most parties that porn stars attend, there would be a bunch of people boning on camera. But unlike any other porn set in recorded history, there would also be a bunch of legitimate Hollywood movers and shakers milling about in the background. Basically, the legitimate side of the film industry thought it would be good ironic fun to get drunk in the presence of the legal prostitution side of their business. The adult film that resulted has actually appeared in a previous Cracked article because Carrie Fisher can be seen hanging out in the background, and we like to see people's eyes light up during the first half of that sentence.

The point is, most people would have just been grateful for the invite. But Parker was not most people. Realizing that all the legitimate industry types at the party would know his name and not his face, and double-checking that he truly didn't give a f#@k, Parker hatched a plan. Prior to the party, Parker and his porn star friend switched identities. The porn star went around introducing himself as Trey Parker, and explaining that he was there researching an upcoming movie. Meanwhile, Parker introduced himself as a porn director, and when a porno eventually broke out in the living room, he began directing the action. According to one eyewitness, Parker fully committed to the role, stalking around the humping people like a French New Wave film director with a vision, while yelling things like "More ass. I need more ass in this shot!"

At first, the fake Trey Parker hung back and pretended to be taking notes. But at a certain point, the real Parker directed the porn star pretending to be Parker to jump in, at which point fake Parker stripped naked and began expertly humping away in front of the camera. That's how a crowd of agents, producers and Princess freaking Leia herself were introduced to the famously shy writer-animator behind South Park.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you make an entrance.


September 11, 2012

10 Vastly Improved Photos of Obama's Awkward Bear Hug

By CRACKED Staff | 249,164 Views

Over the weekend, President Barack Obama was campaigning in Florida when he casually strolled into (meaning walked in followed by teams of Secret Service agents, some of whom were probably hiding in air vents with sniper rifles) a pizza restaurant and this happened ...

Pretty damn awkward, especially when you take into account that this is exactly the kind of moment that the Internet loves to turn into some kind of stupid, inane meme. You know, exactly like we're about to do right now.

Here are 10 vastly improved versions of Obama's awkward bear hug incident.

by Cracked Staff

by roguematt