Many of Grimm's fairy tales have been lightened up for modern children. However, some of them are beyond any hope, and should only be read to children you hate.
All of Bluebeard's previous wives have died under sparsely detailed circumstances shrouded in mystery, although he has never been asked to produce either a body or an explanation, because police work at that time typically required crimes to be committed within a constable's field of vision. Somehow, Bluebeard convinces another woman to marry him and takes her back to his castle before immediately announcing that he has to go away for a while, presumably holding a shopping list reading "lotion, catgut, lipstick, 'Goodbye Horses.'"
Bluebeard, the first and least creepy pickup artist.
We Americans love to talk about our wars. We love learning about them, we love making movies about them and we really, really love pretending to punch Hitler in the face. It's why we spend half our time claiming that our political opponents are Nazis; our generation missed out on the chance to go after the real thing.
Unfortunately, war is an incredibly complex, ever-changing topic, and understanding military history is both time-consuming and very, very hard work. So we're going to explain it in terms most anyone can understand: ex-girlfriends.
#7. The American Revolution
Time is tight. We get that. But if your job involves any form of gathering information to be consumed by bucketloads of people, you want to make sure that your Internet searches are performed with as much attention to detail as possible. Fortunately for us, people rarely do that, and we get to tell you stories like these ...
#4. An Authorized Biography Gets the Title It Deserves
The General Petraeus scandal contains all the juicy elements the public loves: secret affairs, men in uniform, bickering, backstabbing soccer moms and enough embarrassment for the entire nation to share. But an ABC affiliate in Denver decided to take a bigger share of that particular pie when they ran this graphic during a segment about the scandal.
"It's about this wide."
To even the untrained eye, the title All Up in My Snatch should raise a few eyebrows. But what's more surprising isn't that the researcher at ABC Denver didn't immediately look at the title and think "This doesn't seem right"; it's that the actual title, All In, and the obvious innuendo had already been discussed and parodied ad infinitum. When everyone from Jay Leno to your local postal clerk has been cracking wise about the already tawdry-sounding actual title, it's pretty sloppy Google work to get it wrong.
Skyfall took in $90 million in its opening weekend, making all 22 other films in the series look like homemade Boba Fett costumes on deviantART.
This is terrible news.
You see, Bond films tend to do really well in times of economic crisis. Conversely, if we're all rolling in piles of money, 007 is left battling the cold indifference of empty movie theaters, in addition to vaguely racist megalomaniacs and women named Pussy. This is arguably because James Bond was specifically designed to appeal to people enduring serious economic hardships, sort of like NASCAR.
We have some terrible news, Omega.