When the first trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens hit the web, the sun was promptly blotted out by an engorged tsunami of nerd tumescence. Most of us observed two things -- A) the trailer is glorious and B) it is glorious for less time than it takes to cook a Hot Pocket.
If you're like the rest of civilized society, you probably spent your Thanksgiving hunched in your grandmother's bathroom watching the shiny new Jurassic World trailer on a fevered loop. And as excited as we were about the prospect of a new dinosaur movie, we also couldn't help but get the sense that this entire two-and-a-half-minute ordeal shows the awkward remnants of some abandoned studio plan to make a David Zucker-style screwball comedy instead of raw theropod-on-theropod action. Yes, based on what we've seen and what we know, Jurassic World seems less like a gritty adventure movie and more like a two-hour pie-throwing contest. POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD.
#4. The Entire Cast and Crew Are Hilarious People
Apart from the token uneatable child present in every Jurassic Park film, here are the first two people we see in the trailer:
Cheryl and Not Archer.
As you may have heard, 20th Century Fox is currently cooking up a grittier, younger reboot of The Fantastic Four, because that worked out so well with Spider-Man. Yeah, the fans aren't exactly optimistic about that one. It's a good thing, then, that there's already a kick-ass Fantastic Four movie out there -- and no, we don't mean one of the "Jessica Alba in a wig" ones. Come on, we're not crazy. We're talking about the one that was made in 1994 by the producer of Sharktopus and then never released.
Pretty sure Human Torch is wearing the same wig as Alba.
No, seriously. Now that we've got your attention, let's examine why the upcoming version will have a hard time measuring up to a 20-year-old movie that was made for no money, with no famous actors, and then instantly tossed in a trash can ...
#4. Why Were Each of These Movies Made?
The 2015 Version:
Very simple: because they have to. The rights to make Fantastic Four (and X-Men) films currently belong to 20th Century Fox, with the "Monkey's Paw"-esque catch that if they want to keep the rights they have to keep making more of them. Even if they suck. Hence, you know ...
20th Century Fox
Since when does The Thing have a beer belly, and where the hell are his freaking rings?
It's easy to get mad at Hollywood for showing us the same explosion-filled turds every year, but look at it this way: For every bad movie you see on the big screen, there are a hundred even worse ones that didn't make it. And the best part is, the reasons why they didn't make it are way more hilarious than the movies ever could have been.
We previously told you all about a bunch of movies that seemed destined for failure, but thankfully for us, Hollywood hasn't learned its lesson. Cruel fate and spectacular incompetence have once again teamed up in an unholy alliance to stop movies like ...
#5. Steve Jobs' Ghost Is Clearly Sabotaging His Third Biopic
Unfortunately for the serious-eyebrowed method actors of Hollywood, the moviegoing public has made it clear that they don't give one solitary monkey-slapping shit about the life story of the guy who gave them their iPods. Despite Ashton Kutcher's batshit dedication and surprisingly good performance, Jobs is ridiculous, while the intentionally ridiculous iSteve is just god-awful. Short of getting the exact same guys who did The Social Network, nothing could get people excited about a studio making another Steve Jobs movie.
So that's exactly what Sony decided to do.
Now we're talking! Who better than David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin to tell us the story of another arrogant, somewhat misogynistic blowhard whose products we use every day? And they even had Christian Bale on board as Jobs ... for like 15 minutes, before it all fell apart.
"I'm sorry, but my MySpace Tom dream project just opened up."