Quick Fixes

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December 16, 2014

6 Dumb Ways Companies Tried to Excuse Their Own Idiocy

By M. Asher Cantrell | 444,681 Views

Have you ever done something stupid and scrambled to make up an excuse? "I'm sorry, I was drunk," or, "I thought that was legal in this country," or, "Wait, this isn't a David Lynch movie?" Turns out, big companies do the same thing, only their excuses tend to be way worse because they can't all be drunk ... right?

#6. A Political Blog Targets the Wrong Person, Issues Lame "Correction"

Conservative political blog Breitbart.com recently published an article decrying the president's newly announced nominee for attorney general of the United States, Loretta Lynch. According to Breitbart, Lynch had a previously unmentioned controversy: she was one of the lawyers who represented the Clinton family in the wake of the Whitewater scandal.

Helder Almeida/iStock/Getty Images
A scandal so boring, we fell asleep twice trying to think of a joke for it.

Article

December 14, 2014

The 6 Stupidest Things The Hobbit Movies Wasted Money On

By David Christopher Bell | 827,869 Views

For the longest time, Lord of the Rings fans had to settle for a series of disjointed cartoons and text adventure games to get their Tolkien rocks off. Some of them were so desperate that they even read The Silmarillion. It's no wonder that the franchise ended up in the hands of Peter Jackson, then known for crazy-ass horror films and puppet porn. That those movies turned out pretty good is a balrog-sized improbability.

Not a decade later came the highly anticipated Hobbit films ... and now we're back to the disjointed cartoons of our childhood. The only difference is that these cartoons cost nearly a billion goddamned dollars to make, as the newest financial documents for the films have revealed. Looking at the trailer for the new movie, one question springs to mind: Where the hell did that money go? Here's a handy breakdown for you:

#6. They Spent $2 Million per Book Page

Fun fact: shooting only two pages of The Hobbit cost the same as the entire budget for the movie Boyhood. You know, the one that was shot over 11 years, whereas the Hobbit trilogy only feels like it's 11 years long.

We're only slightly exaggerating. Now that we know that the last Hobbit film clocks in at a sensible and reserved (for Jackson) 2 hours and 24 minutes, we can calculate that the entire trilogy lasts just under eight hours. And since the movies adapt a 300-page book plus Tolkien's 124-page appendices, that means we're looking at roughly 53 pages per hour -- as opposed to the 122 pages an hour for the Lord of the Rings trilogy's 1,137 pages. With us so far? That's OK, someone made a nice graph:

lotrproject.com
Who would have guessed that Tolkien fans are nerds?

Article

December 12, 2014

Women Are Dyeing Their Armpits and 5 Other BS Viral Stories

By David Christopher Bell | 323,934 Views

With CNN's Don Lemon asking a rape victim why she didn't bite Bill Cosby's penis and comparing hitting children to animal training, there sure are a lot of reasons for protesters to shout "Fuck CNN" on live television. Especially when Lemon is also writing them off as "obviously" smelling of weed.

But as we've pointed out more than enough times on Cracked, the lovable simpleton Lemon isn't the only reporter perpetually bastardizing the news. Not when every week we have to debunk a new bullshit viral story, such as all the ones here:

#6. "Hand Dryers Are Spreading Germs," Says Paper Towel Company

Cracked is all about pointing it out when a popular health or safety measure is actually being counter-productive, so under most circumstances the following headlines would be our main jam:

gizmodo.com

huffingtonpost.com

nymag.com
Or use fact-checking again, apparently.

Article

December 10, 2014

The 4 Stupidest Reactions to the New 'Star Wars' Trailer

By David Christopher Bell | 475,864 Views

When the first trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens hit the web, the sun was promptly blotted out by an engorged tsunami of nerd tumescence. Most of us observed two things -- A) the trailer is glorious and B) it is glorious for less time than it takes to cook a Hot Pocket.


And C) not nearly enough Zuckuss and Bossk and Sy Snootles and Willrow Hood and ...