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December 14, 2014

The 6 Stupidest Things The Hobbit Movies Wasted Money On

By David Christopher Bell | 724,379 Views

For the longest time, Lord of the Rings fans had to settle for a series of disjointed cartoons and text adventure games to get their Tolkien rocks off. Some of them were so desperate that they even read The Silmarillion. It's no wonder that the franchise ended up in the hands of Peter Jackson, then known for crazy-ass horror films and puppet porn. That those movies turned out pretty good is a balrog-sized improbability.

Not a decade later came the highly anticipated Hobbit films ... and now we're back to the disjointed cartoons of our childhood. The only difference is that these cartoons cost nearly a billion goddamned dollars to make, as the newest financial documents for the films have revealed. Looking at the trailer for the new movie, one question springs to mind: Where the hell did that money go? Here's a handy breakdown for you:

#6. They Spent $2 Million per Book Page

Fun fact: shooting only two pages of The Hobbit cost the same as the entire budget for the movie Boyhood. You know, the one that was shot over 11 years, whereas the Hobbit trilogy only feels like it's 11 years long.

We're only slightly exaggerating. Now that we know that the last Hobbit film clocks in at a sensible and reserved (for Jackson) 2 hours and 24 minutes, we can calculate that the entire trilogy lasts just under eight hours. And since the movies adapt a 300-page book plus Tolkien's 124-page appendices, that means we're looking at roughly 53 pages per hour -- as opposed to the 122 pages an hour for the Lord of the Rings trilogy's 1,137 pages. With us so far? That's OK, someone made a nice graph:

lotrproject.com
Who would have guessed that Tolkien fans are nerds?

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December 12, 2014

Women Are Dyeing Their Armpits and 5 Other BS Viral Stories

By David Christopher Bell | 320,117 Views

With CNN's Don Lemon asking a rape victim why she didn't bite Bill Cosby's penis and comparing hitting children to animal training, there sure are a lot of reasons for protesters to shout "Fuck CNN" on live television. Especially when Lemon is also writing them off as "obviously" smelling of weed.

But as we've pointed out more than enough times on Cracked, the lovable simpleton Lemon isn't the only reporter perpetually bastardizing the news. Not when every week we have to debunk a new bullshit viral story, such as all the ones here:

#6. "Hand Dryers Are Spreading Germs," Says Paper Towel Company

Cracked is all about pointing it out when a popular health or safety measure is actually being counter-productive, so under most circumstances the following headlines would be our main jam:

gizmodo.com

huffingtonpost.com

nymag.com
Or use fact-checking again, apparently.

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December 10, 2014

The 4 Stupidest Reactions to the New 'Star Wars' Trailer

By David Christopher Bell | 462,223 Views

When the first trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens hit the web, the sun was promptly blotted out by an engorged tsunami of nerd tumescence. Most of us observed two things -- A) the trailer is glorious and B) it is glorious for less time than it takes to cook a Hot Pocket.


And C) not nearly enough Zuckuss and Bossk and Sy Snootles and Willrow Hood and ...

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December 09, 2014

4 Signs 'Jurassic World' Is Supposed to Be a Comedy

By David Christopher Bell | 388,005 Views

If you're like the rest of civilized society, you probably spent your Thanksgiving hunched in your grandmother's bathroom watching the shiny new Jurassic World trailer on a fevered loop. And as excited as we were about the prospect of a new dinosaur movie, we also couldn't help but get the sense that this entire two-and-a-half-minute ordeal shows the awkward remnants of some abandoned studio plan to make a David Zucker-style screwball comedy instead of raw theropod-on-theropod action. Yes, based on what we've seen and what we know, Jurassic World seems less like a gritty adventure movie and more like a two-hour pie-throwing contest. POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD.

#4. The Entire Cast and Crew Are Hilarious People

Apart from the token uneatable child present in every Jurassic Park film, here are the first two people we see in the trailer:

Universal Studios
Cheryl and Not Archer.