While you have been consumed by the shutdown of the government, you probably missed the release of a boutique "televisual game" titled Grand Theft Auto V. And -- serendipitously enough -- there's recently been an outpouring of news stories that sound as though they could've been performed by one of the three GTA protagonists themselves.
#5. Two People Parachute into NYC at 3 a.m.
We don't know if they were taking a cue from James Bond, GTA, or Point Break, but Manhattan security cameras caught two people parachuting near the Goldman Sachs building at three in the morning, presumably to beat the morning commute.
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No word on if they decided to mod their jump with horse masks.
We get why companies like to start shoving Christmas down our throats in early November instead of five days before it actually happens. But this year, Christmas is going to break into your house and kidnap your children.
Yes, businesses decided that they didn't want to wait until November, so they're starting Christmas season now. Brace yourselves, because we're already seeing signs that this now three-month-long holiday is upon us ...
#4. The Terrible Christmas Movie Specials Are Coming Early
Usually at this time of year we'd all be looking forward to such quality programming as A Halloween Puppy, or perhaps a rerun of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman Meets Bigfoot. You know, the kind of pandering one would expect for Satan's birthday.
We're starting to think this franchise may have overstayed its welcome.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but nowadays everyone is way too busy drinking pumpkin-spice-flavored everything and reading dinosaur erotica to spare 30 seconds on someone else's child. And in many cases, they don't even notice what their own kid is up to.
This all adds up to Baby's Day Out accidentally being re-enacted multiple times every single damn day. Here are five of the more recent screw-ups.
#5. School Lets Grandfather Take the Wrong 6-Year-Old to the Doctor
When you're a kid, there's nothing better than leaving school early. That might be why a 6-year-old in England didn't say anything when she was called out of class so a random old man could take her to the doctor.
Keep in mind that this was kindergarten, so who knows what Bueller-esque crap she'll pull when she hits real school.
The law is full of oppressive rules against everyday things that should really be legal in this day and age but somehow aren't -- say, driving without pants or time travel. At the same time, there are certain dubious acts that you're totally allowed to do this very moment, for one gobsmacking reason or another.
#4. Pot Is Illegal in Most States, but Deadly Synthetic Marijuana Is A-OK in Colorado
In Colorado, all the kids are trying this new hot craze called dying in a hospital after smoking shitty synthetic marijuana -- or Spice for short. This bootleg pot (which is made in China) has been linked to three deaths, 150 hospital visits, and a presumed legion of embarrassing calls to poison control centers. Oh, and due to a loophole, it's totally legal.