To prepare the world for the upcoming Star Wars sequels, Lucasfilm recently announced that it would be officially disintegrating the entire Star Wars expanded universe -- that is, every short story, novel, comic, cartoon, and video game created in the Star Wars universe over the past four decades. Considering the expanded universe is a place populated by green humanoid rabbits and talking mountains, you might not consider this a bad thing. However, there are some storylines in the expanded universe that are so impressively insane that we're honestly kind of sad we will never see them in a film.
#4. The One-Armed Snow Monster from The Empire Strikes Back Comes Back for Vengeance
The wampas are those goat-horned demon ice bears on Hoth, one of which attacks Luke Skywalker and gets its arm sliced off for its trouble (although why Luke doesn't just use his impossible laser sword to completely dismember the monster and spend the night in its cave instead of stumbling back out into the blizzard to nearly die of exposure is a mystery that will never be solved).
"If you make it through this, go study with Master Yoda, as you're clearly still a bit of a dipshit."
Every week or so, we at Cracked get the privilege of shining a light on how shitty real journalists are at double-checking their sources. And thanks to that convenient but dangerous "share" button, half of these news stories made the rounds before anyone thought twice about investigating whether somebody excavated the facts from a bull's colon.
#8. Apple Is Not Making Smart Ear Pods
Most tech rumors exist somewhere in the purgatory between "kind of plausible" and "fucking goofy," but also don't tend to break out to sites like the Guardian until they become official, right?
"Scientists hope to use data to develop cure for dealing with Apple users."
As we've noted previously, unexplained phenomena really do exist. There are things out there that our limited human intellect will simply never be able to comprehend. Unfortunately, these aren't some of them. Once again, here are some "creepy mysteries" we found perfectly logical explanations for, and in an astronomical coincidence, it turns out they're all reeeeally stupid.
#7. The Latest Image of the Loch Ness Monster ... Is a Boat
Have you ever wondered why those who still believe in the ridiculously drawn out urban legend that is the Loch Ness monster don't look for him in satellite images, now that that's a thing anyone with a phone can do? Well, they did try that recently, and- OH SHIT, THERE IT IS.
This Godzilla viral marketing is getting out of hand.
If every industry worked like the movie industry, Atari would be on its 15th ET: The Game sequel, all Coca-Cola cans would say New New New Coke on them, and aeronautic companies would constantly be like "Hey, remember the Hindenburg? Let's do that again." No type of executive is better at spotting hilariously shitty non-trends and refusing to learn painfully obvious lessons than film executives. For example, they apparently still don't realize that ...
#4. The LEGO Movie Didn't Succeed Just Because It Was Based on a Toy
The LEGO Movie had a lot going for it: Besides the fact that it already had a built-in toy line, a tradition of funny video games and home movies, and brand awareness for both children and sore-footed adults, it was also written and directed by people familiar with slam-dunking nostalgia, having previously done Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs and 21 Jump Street. Combine all that with a talented comedic cast and a pre-President's Day release date designed to drum up word-of-mouth hype and you have yourself a bona-fide box office success.
The lesson Hollywood took from this carefully and lovingly made success? "Churning out movies based on toys = $$$$$." Here are the titles for some films getting fast-tracked right now:
"Hey, I saw some kids playing with a dead possum the other da-"