The stories of King Arthur were essentially the comic books of their time -- full of breasts, violence and intricately baffling melodrama. These are four of the craziest:
#4. King Uther Rapes/Murders Arthur into Existence
Uther, the King of England, had a raging dent in his codpiece for Igraine, the queen of Cornwall. The thing was, Igraine was married to the duke of Tintagel, and Cornwall and England were in a war that seemed to start back up whenever someone remembered it.
Believing that anything that couldn't be solved with murder simply wasn't worth doing, Uther immediately resumed war on Cornwall and had Merlin disguise him as the duke, presumably with magic and not wholesale costume supplies.
Uther, sans duke suit.
The real duke was killed in a battle, leaving Uther free to visit Igraine in his duke disguise and plunge his sword into her stone. He impregnated her with the sperm of legend, and nine months later Arthur was born.
Old people are like hamsters -- adorable, but generally useless. However, some of them try to shatter at least half of this stereotype by breaking the law in spectacular fashion.
#6. The Geezer Bandit
An elderly man has been robbing southern California banks for the past three years, earning him the nickname "The Geezer Bandit" from the FBI.
Because "The Fucking Old as Shit Bandit" gets filtered out by Safe Search.
He wears a cap and sunglasses and hides his gun beneath an oversized day planner (presumably the same one he uses to hide his freight train erection while watching Caroline in the City reruns with his wife). The feds are currently offering a $20,000 reward for any information that leads to his stone-fisted beating for making them look like fools.
In awful economic times like these, it's important that we still set a little cash aside to waste on completely superfluous bullshit. After all, there are people out there whose continued ability to pay their bills depends on our willingness to part with our hard-earned money on frivolous nonsense. Don't believe us? Check out these ridiculous companies that, for just a little bit of that paycheck you work so very hard for, will perform worthless tasks on your behalf. Such as ...
#6. Be Your Wingman
Having trouble landing a woman at the bar? Tired of going home alone after a long night of "Hey bartender, send a few drinks to the table over there, on me," just to get strange looks? Worry no longer, because services are popping up that allow you to hire women to act as your wingman; that is, if you're willing to spend $72 an hour.
In Boston, you can hire sexy women from Hire A Boston WingWoman to go out with you to the bars to help you pick up other sexy women. Because if there's one thing we all know to be true, it's that the best relationships are built on a foundation of lies.
Critics and viewers alike have long expressed admiration for actors who achieve physical transformations to prepare for movie roles. Think of Natalie Portman getting into ballerina shape for Black Swan, or Tom Hardy gaining muscle and cutting off part of his face to play Bane in The Dark Knight Rises. But what about actors who do this for movies that turn out to be absolutely terrible? For example:
#4. Jared Leto
In 2007, Jared Leto put on 60 pounds for his starring role in Chapter 27, a film about the fat dude who shot John Lennon. In the process, he managed to give himself gout. Near the end of shooting, the guy was in so much pain from the shock weight gain that he "couldn't walk for long distances" and had to use a wheelchair. Oh, and in case you're thinking that at least he got to let himself go and eat a bunch of delicious food, note that he did it by stuffing himself with melted ice cream laced with olive oil and soy sauce.
Chapter 27 got a whopping 18 percent on Rotten Tomatoes and earned $56,000 at the U.S. box office on a budget of about $5 million.