As we've noted previously, unexplained phenomena really do exist. There are things out there that our limited human intellect will simply never be able to comprehend. Unfortunately, these aren't some of them. Once again, here are some "creepy mysteries" we found perfectly logical explanations for, and in an astronomical coincidence, it turns out they're all reeeeally stupid.
#7. The Latest Image of the Loch Ness Monster ... Is a Boat
Have you ever wondered why those who still believe in the ridiculously drawn out urban legend that is the Loch Ness monster don't look for him in satellite images, now that that's a thing anyone with a phone can do? Well, they did try that recently, and- OH SHIT, THERE IT IS.
This Godzilla viral marketing is getting out of hand.
If every industry worked like the movie industry, Atari would be on its 15th ET: The Game sequel, all Coca-Cola cans would say New New New Coke on them, and aeronautic companies would constantly be like "Hey, remember the Hindenburg? Let's do that again." No type of executive is better at spotting hilariously shitty non-trends and refusing to learn painfully obvious lessons than film executives. For example, they apparently still don't realize that ...
#4. The LEGO Movie Didn't Succeed Just Because It Was Based on a Toy
The LEGO Movie had a lot going for it: Besides the fact that it already had a built-in toy line, a tradition of funny video games and home movies, and brand awareness for both children and sore-footed adults, it was also written and directed by people familiar with slam-dunking nostalgia, having previously done Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs and 21 Jump Street. Combine all that with a talented comedic cast and a pre-President's Day release date designed to drum up word-of-mouth hype and you have yourself a bona-fide box office success.
The lesson Hollywood took from this carefully and lovingly made success? "Churning out movies based on toys = $$$$$." Here are the titles for some films getting fast-tracked right now:
"Hey, I saw some kids playing with a dead possum the other da-"
When it comes to things like waffle tacos, America is Middle-Earth, and every other nation is like some lesser fantasy realm where the hobbits don't have gout and the One Ring isn't the elastic waistband on a pair of sweatpants, right?
Wrong! Japan is locked in an arms race with America to see who can distend their populations into the fattest fucks possible. In fact, Japan has been stepping up their grotesque edibles game quite a bit in recent months, so much so that they're making KFC's Double Down look like a quinoa enema. What are we talking about?
#7. Kit Kat Pizza
Say you're in Japan and you're in the mood for a slice of American-style 'za. None the wiser, you head on over to the chain Napoli no Kama and order yourself their latest specialty: the Kit Kat Pizza. Surely the "Kit Kat" part of the phrase "Kit Kat Pizza" is just a regional term for a fish or some esoteric spice, right?
Nope, it's a goddamn pizza topped with Kit Kats.
Presenting the only time in history no one will ask you to share either one.
A new Spider-Man movie is coming out this week, leading us to wonder what the hell he was doing back in 2012 when aliens tore apart New York City and the Avengers had to come in and stop them. Why didn't Spidey swing in and crack some fleshy alien skull-domes alongside Tony Stark and Captain America? New York is where he freaking lives. The odds are high that he would've accidentally been in the movie, just running into aliens while skateboarding to Whole Foods.
Sadly, a Spider-Man/Avengers team-up is just one of many things we can pretty much guarantee that you will never, ever see in a Marvel movie ... at least not in your own lifetime.
#4. Certain Characters Just Won't Get Their Own Films
Why is it that we've seen five Spider-Man movies, two Hulk reboots, two Ghost Rider movies, two Punisher reboots, a Daredevil movie, and a freaking Ant-Man movie starring two different Ant-Men, and yet plans for a Deadpool movie have been in limbo for half a decade and Marvel's producers continue to tactfully dodge questions about giving Black Widow her own feature?
"Hey, we only have things planned out until 2028. Let's not rush into things."