Quick Fixes

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May 22, 2014

4 On-Set Photos That Change the Way You See Upcoming Films

By Jim Avery | 498,407 Views

Sure, Hollywood films look all silky and smooth when they're edited and CGI-ed and the cameras are actually facing the actors, but even the most multimillion dollar of blockbusters look absolutely crazy when they're being cobbled together in meatspace. Here are some recent examples:

#4. Transformers 4 Is Michael Bay's Own Private Torture Chamber

The Transformers films continually turn a profit because each movie is two hours of white noise and exploding tinsel. They tap into that primordial corner of the human brain with such ferocity that audiences don't even give a shit if they end up gazing slack-jawed at Shia LaBeouf's meerkat sneer for three hours.

But underneath that barrage of crackling crapola are the antics of maybe the happiest man in Hollywood: Michael Bay. Now, throughout his career, Bay has gotten a ton of shit from everybody with eyes, but it's a bit more difficult to hate the guy when you see him levitating an Audi full of concerned actors while crazy-eyed, humping the air, and dressed like Doc Brown:

empireonline.com
"I'm wearing white to enjoy the splatter."
"Splatter?"

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May 20, 2014

4 Signs the Power Rangers Movie Will Be Goddamn Insane

By David Christopher Bell | 375,535 Views

In a move that will surprise absolutely no one, Lionsgate has announced plans to reboot the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers with what will no doubt be an origin movie preceding two other films, followed by a second reboot trilogy.

As anyone who has watched the Frankensteined first season of the original Power Rangers can tell you, the story is at best "unintelligible" and at worst "the deathbed ramblings of an LSD test subject." Attempting to adapt even a fraction of that mescaline-laced rubber-suited pop-up book into a cohesive modern action film will be nothing short of a hero's trial.

#4. The Training Montage Was Suspiciously Nonexistent

No superhero origin is complete without spending 45 minutes watching the lead characters struggle to embrace their cosmic new abilities with a joyous amount of wry chuckle-fishing slapstick.

However, the first episode of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers knew this was a heaping mountain of time-wasting moon shit that could be better spent selling action figures to children, so they completely skipped over it. The Power Rangers go from angsty teens to karate-helmet robot dinosaur lords in an afternoon.

Saban Brands
"But I don't even know martial arts like Jason or Trini."
"We've seen you playing Street Fighter at the juice bar. That's good enough."

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May 19, 2014

6 Upcoming Origin Story Movies Nobody Asked For

By David Christopher Bell | 476,157 Views

Now that the word "remake" has been remade into the word "reboot," it appears that every Hollywood executive is having the same recurring dream where males 18 to 21 suddenly forget why Superman is super. This is why every new reboot mandatorily becomes one long training montage.

And while it might be interesting to relive why RoboCop is robo, this weirdness has begun to bleed into stories that never had an origin to begin with. Not because no one got around to it, but rather because no one actually gave a shit until now.

#6. A Live-Action Rescue Rangers Origin Film Written by a Condom Commercial Director

Anyone in their late 20s fondly remembers Rescue Rangers as that TV show turned Nintendo game in which you could pick up and throw the other player across the stage just to be a dick. And so, when it came time for Disney to make the inevitable Alvin and the Chipmunks-esque live-action childhood sucker punch, the studios realized just how confused people would be if they didn't know exactly how the Rangers got those little Hawaiian shirts and bomber jackets.

Walt Disney
"I got it from Tom Selleck. Please don't ask what I had to do."

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May 16, 2014

4 Bizarre Choices That Doomed 'The Amazing Spider-Man 2'

By David Christopher Bell | 508,403 Views

Two weeks in, it looks like The Amazing Spider-Man 2 won't simply be the lowest-grossing Spider-Man movie of all -- it will be even more critically detested than Spider-Man 3, a superhero movie about Toby Maguire saving New York by air-humping his way through a jazz dance solo.

A lot of the film's problems clearly stem from an abysmal script and the studio's presumption that fans would watch two hours of a blank screen as long as the words "Spider-Man" were in the title, but some of TASM2's decisions transcend the usual Hollywood apathy and border on intentional self-sabotage. Namely, the filmmakers apparently aspired to make the least rebooty reboot in reboot history.

#4. It's a Bizarre Homage to the Worst Batman Movie

After that Technicolor shart that was director Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin, every production office in the greater Los Angeles metro area framed a photo of George Clooney's bat-dong and emblazoned it with the caption "NEVER AGAIN." But instead of veering away from Batman & Robin's example -- which, oh, every superhero film has done for the past 17 years -- The Amazing Spider-Man 2 apparently celebrated it, namely the turd's villainous trio. How else do you explain these two green, venom-infused masterminds?

Columbia Pictures, Warner Bros.