As the new Michael-Bay-produced TMNT film wafts across the nation, aging nerds everywhere have already lit funeral pyres for their childhoods at the sight of an auburn-haired April O'Neil adventuring alongside wisecracking reptile fetuses. Clearly, this movie encroaches upon the sanctity of the 1980s series and its many cherished storylines, such as the time Raphael left his girlfriend for dead in the middle of the ocean, or that episode where the Turtles eye-banged the shit out of April and stalked her at a party.
Okay, maybe the '80s cartoon was a little touched. At least we still have the comic books to nostalgically contain our innocence, right?
"Uh, no one hand him any coins."
Generally speaking, the more intricate the plot of a specific movie, the more opportunity there is for its subsequent sequels to riddle that plot with gaping holes. As Hollywood continues its five-star rampage of sequels, the flood of crossover plotlines and convoluted flashbacks has officially waterlogged the cash-addled brains of screenwriters everywhere, resulting in at least five recent blockbuster follow-ups that accidentally made their predecessors make no sense.
#5. Peter Parker's Dad Really Loves Hide-and-Seek
Ironically, what is easily the least offensive scene in The Amazing Spider-Man 2 also happens to create the strangest plot hole in recent memory. Let's go back to the beginning of the first Amazing Spider-Man (aka "the first second attempt at a Spider-Man origin story"), when we see a young Peter Parker playing a spirited game of hide-and-seek with his dad ...
... only to find his dad's office ransacked, setting in motion the wheels of a sinister conspiracy:
"Uh, they didn't take Mom and Dad's disk marked 'Family Videos,' did they?"
From extinct gingers to mouth-pissing Aussie hooligans, the Internet is like an exuberantly complex Willy Wonka-style factory of lies -- river of brown included. Our job, not unlike the Oompa Loompas', is to drop that mic after laying out the harsh truths and popping the humanoid blueberry of media hyperbole. Which is our fancy way of saying: Hey, here's the fake news you fell for this week.
#6. Smartphones Aren't Making Restaurant Service Slower
Those gosh darn millennials with their car mustaches and dang wine cozies, all tanning off their ever-present smartphones instead of socially interacting with each other -- they are just the worst. And sure, while this has literally been said about every new generation since the dawn of media, it looks like we've finally found that smoking gun:
So close this article and fucking finish that meal.
By this point in the game, complaining about Hollywood's hard-on for reboots is so old hat that Hollywood probably has a reboot of your reboot complaints in the works. It takes particularly boneheaded details to warrant making fun of remakes anymore.
Luckily for us, the people behind these upcoming reboots have risen to the challenge.
#5. They're Inexplicably Rebooting Men in Black
Hey, you guys remember how awesome Men in Black was? How it struck a great balance between action, comedy, and (b)romance, like a sci-fi version of The Princess Bride? And you remember how, despite the fact that the movie ended in a way that perfectly wrapped up the story, you wanted them to remake the same movie, only with new people? Congratulations, all four of you are getting your wish! It turns out the cocaine pile at Sony Pictures was getting a bit small and they decided to give the MIB franchise a fresh take by redoing one-third of a series that isn't even old enough to buy cigarettes yet.
20th Century Fox, nikkytok/iStock/Getty Images
Independence Day is already on two packs a day, unfiltered, sadly.