We must accept that this nation will remain hopelessly polarized until the day when a plague of antifungal-resistant ringworm makes everyone far too itchy to form and retain opinions. While the news media tend to focus on our rape-baby-based disagreements, the rifts are deeper and far more fundamental than that.
The only way to truly figure out why Obama and Romney voters exist on such separate sides of the political dance floor is to drill down into their most cherished preferences and desires.
Cracked investigates what makes these morons -- who will put on pants and go vote even though it doesn't matter because we all know that the president is a preselected extraterrestrial reptile -- tick.
Malevolent governments used to make propaganda. Now, citizens do it all on their own with the help of Photoshop and terrible jokes. Whoever makes a meme of politicians probably thinks their 'shopped picture is going to hammer the final nail into the coffin of someone's political career. It never does.
#6. Batman Villains
Most politicians are dead-eyed piles of flesh in suits who would be more inspiring on bus bench real estate ads than on money. Batman villains are rogue badasses with impeccable style, supreme confidence and superhuman intelligence. So when someone Photoshops Mitt Romney or Barack Obama to look like Bane ...
Molly, Mama Pop
"Let's see what breaks first, America. Your respect for the electoral process or your ability to tolerate your Facebook feed."
... they're proving what all of our Facebook feeds proved this Halloween: Everyone looks badass wearing Bane's mask.
The same goes for painting up a politician to look like the Joker:
Obama goes from looking like a supermarket regional manager to looking like that dude who made a pencil disappear in a gangster's head.
Tomorrow, America will make a choice: Barack Obama or Mitt Romney. At least that's how the media will tell it, but the truth is, you've actually got a lot of options tomorrow, especially if you're hoping to waste your vote on someone who is likely insane. For example ...
#5. Montgomery Blair Sibley, Washington, D.C.: Write-In Candidate
About Montgomery: Monty couldn't be bothered to file paperwork with the FEC, probably because he is very busy filing lawsuits challenging Obama's eligibility to run for president.
Turn-Ons: Telling long-winded tales of his impressive family lineage that somehow led to this bag of human genetics; proving his Scrabble bona fides by repeatedly using the word "quixotic."
Turn-Offs: The term "natural born citizen" as applied to Barack Obama, which is total bullshit.
Why You Should Consider Monty: He retains his principles in the face of adversity. "I was subsequently suspended from the practice of law in three state and thirteen federal courts as a result of my divorce proceedings. Though my suspensions have run, I have chosen not to return to the practice of law as I believe the system is so corrupt and I will not be muzzled by it as a result of being a member of the bar."
Fun Fact: He once argued a case ON THE SAME FLOOR as the John Gotti trial. For real!
A few months back, we ran an article about baffling political ads that featured Jedrzej Wijas' metal-as-all-hell 2011 Polish campaign video. What we didn't know at that time was that, in 2011, the Polish political scene (you know the one) was absolutely bursting with insane campaign ads. For example ...