As we've previously discussed, there are people out there who exploit legal loopholes in ways so blatant and hilarious that they seem like scripted headlines from The Onion.
#4. Selling Illegal Light Bulbs as Heaters
In Europe, it is illegal to sell any light bulb over 60 watts, effectively placing a continent-wide ban on bright light (getting wet and eating after midnight are presumably also forbidden).
Stubbing-related fatalities have soared.
A German entrepreneur named Siegfried Rotthaeuser, keen to cash in on the light bulb demand, decided that since 75- and 100-watt bulbs output 95 percent heat and only 5 percent actual light, they could technically be imported and distributed as heaters. This is the same thing as selling a Toyota Camry as four chairs or a Magic Mike DVD as a feminine wipe.
Incredibly, his idea worked, and Rotthaeuser's disturbingly named yet perfectly legal "heatballs" have sold by the thousands.
The sweaty, sweaty thousands.
We've reached that point in the year when desperate people with lots of friends and family to please start making really bad decisions. Here are a few of the misguided gifts they'll be purchasing for the music fans in their lives.
#5. Rihanna -- Unapologetic (Diamonds Executive Platinum Box Edition)
The parenthetical portion of this album title reads like the product of market research conducted to determine what words people most associate with having enough expendable cash to justify dropping $250 on a Rihanna album.
So what do you get for that decadent price tag? Robbed. And a View-Master.
Water is a life-giving natural resource that is cripplingly precious in many areas of the world. As such, it is the duty of First World nations to dump it out like that bottle of Steel Reserve you found a mouse foot in to make delightful moving artwork for the upper middle class to enjoy.
#3. The Osaka Station City Picture Fountain
You'd have trouble throwing pennies into the fountain at Osaka Station City in Japan, unless you're the type of person who likes throwing rocks through windows, in which case you would have absolutely no trouble throwing pennies into the fountain at Osaka Station City in Japan. You see, the fountain is a vertical wall, a sort of programmed waterfall run by software that releases controlled droplets in formations that create pictures, words and a time display -- virtually any two-dimensional image. The end result looks like the cascading tears of a giant wish troll:
It's just a matter of time before someone programs this thing to play Mario.
Every image in the fountain seems lifted from the victory screen of a Japanese video game, complete with phrases written puzzlingly in English.
There is an episode in the sixth season of Friends where Phoebe and Rachel's apartment catches fire. But we're never really told what caused the blaze. Was it Phoebe's candles? Was it an effigy some noble intruder burned to forever curse Jennifer Aniston's box office appeal? Was it Matthew Perry's smoldering crack pipe?
In truth, none of the above. We submit that the fire was actually caused by vengeful porn barons.
OK, stay with us here: We know from a previous episode that Phoebe's sister Ursula does porn using Phoebe's name instead of her own. At the end of that episode, Phoebe goes to the porn company (sort of like The Electric Company, if every word they spelled was "Knuckle") and picks up all of the checks Ursula earned in Phoebe's name, which we learn from this bit of dialogue with Lost in Space's Matt LeBlanc: