News has broken that Michael B. Jordan (Chronicle) is being considered to play Johnny Storm (The Human Torch) in the upcoming Fantastic Four reboot. Naturally, comic book fans across the Internet are furious, because they've had it with all the reboots and just want to preserve the magic of the 2005 original -- oh, wait, no. They're angry because Michael B. Jordan is black. And in the comics, Johnny Storm is white.
Consider the Internet's bitch switch flipped.
In films, when you're dealing with conspiracy, time travel, or pod people, there's always that point where the protagonist is going to look batshit crazy when seen out of context. Case in point -- the beginning to every Terminator film, which teaches us that even the survival of mankind will seem silly if there's a bare penis swinging in the room.
But faith will always require us to jump the shark of our own disbelief, which is why we've chosen to share with you all a real-life man from the future. This man:
"Your blur effects. Give them to me."
Facebook is basically a really depressing life resume -- a collection of every minute victory, ranging from your last warm meal to that one time you saw the tower where they filmed Die Hard. No story is too small to catalog in the vast annals of your short and harsh life as you quest for digital immortality, or at the very least attempt to bone that girl you worked with three years ago.
Because of its highlight-reel-like nature, the social network also happens to be pretty much the same ego-churning factory for everyone. It doesn't matter if they're on the top or bottom rung. How do we know this? Because thanks to the Tennessee penal system, the bottom rung apparently has that kind of access.
If you're like us, you probably have no desire to learn about every jackass who's been inside Kim Kardashian. That said, one of these jackasses, famed sex partner Ray J, has recently released a new single called "I Hit It First."
The song is clearly about Kim: