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April 24, 2013

The New Sex Toy That Is Trying to Ruin Foreplay Forever

By XJ Selman | 296,231 Views

In the futuristic American classic Demolition Man, there is a sex scene wherein the two main characters awkwardly sit across from each other on a sofa and wear VR headsets to simulate the activity rather than forcing us to watch Sylvester Stallone crush a 29-year-old Sandra Bullock in his oily meat hooks.

This future brain-helmet sex manipulates neurons and alpha waves, allowing the participants to stimulate each other without ever having to physically touch, which you may recognize as completely defeating the purpose. But that's just early '90s sci-fi, right?

Well, Durex recently unveiled their newest and most innovative brand -- Fundawear, vibrating underwear controlled via smartphone app to keep you and your long-distance significant other from masturbating like normal human beings. Or, more likely, to fingerblast some stranger you just met on the Fundawear forums.

You can't spell "class" without "ass."


April 23, 2013

4 Reasons Everyone in the New Superman Movie is a Dick

By CRACKED | 267,918 Views

The latest trailer for Zack Snyder's Superman reboot, Man of Steel, debuted recently, and despite being thrilled that there were no shots of Kryptonite islands or children throwing pianos, we're beginning to notice a disturbing trend with each new preview -- every single character in the movie seems to be a massive shithead.

#4. Superman's Father Sends His Son to Earth to Become Either a Ruler or an Outcast

Superman's real father, Russell Crowe, is told by his wife that their son will be seen as an "outcast" on Earth. Russell Crowe disagrees, retorting, "He'll be a God to them," and then he launches Superman into the infinite blackness of the universe. That's it. That's the plan. Supes will either be ostracized by an entire race of people and forced to live alone on the frontier like the subject of an ATF training video or use his superior abilities to enslave an entire planet. No middle ground, no back-up planet, no relatives living on some fringe moon colony they could send him to -- the important thing here is shooting your baby into space. Let the infant demigod and the unsuspecting world you unleash him upon figure out the rest of that bullshit.

"Roll the dice, pussy."


April 22, 2013

4 Baffling Ways Famous Musicians Released Albums

By Ridley Davis | 240,979 Views

If Napster taught us anything, it's that distributing music legally and non-electronically is hard work. It's no wonder some musicians resort to gimmicks to get their songs out there. But every now and then those gimmicks are so hilariously misguided that you wonder if the artist's real goal is to drift back into obscurity.

#4. Buckethead Manufactures Thousands of Albums by Hand

Anyone familiar with Buckethead already knows he's a little odd. For starters, the guitarist plays all his shows while wearing a KFC bucket and creepy white mask, and he refuses to speak in public unless it's through a puppet named Herbie.

Remember, kids: It's not schizophrenia if you're an artist.


April 21, 2013

5 Reasons No One Will Use Google Glass (Explained By Google)

By CRACKED Staff | 364,553 Views

Anyone remember Virtual Boy? You know, that innovative 3D game technology that turned out to just be a Game Boy on a stick? Do yourself a favor and YouTube a few vintage ads for that. Now go check out Google Glass's promotional video and see if you get that same novelty vibe. Be honest.

But look, we're not going so far out on a limb to say that Google Glass is the next Virtual Boy because, well ... we all still want one. Also, they already did it for us. Just watch the video, which, like the Virtual Boy ads, simply can't manage to downplay its own faults. It's as clear as ... something clear ...

#5. It's a New Way to Be Completely Distracted

That's right -- through the awesome power of modern innovation, Google Glass is offering a whole new way to slam into a taxicab door while riding a moped.

Natural selection has never been so expensive!