Here's a little factoid about the movie Zombieland: The two guys who wrote the script originally planned it to be a TV show. It was deemed too expensive for television, but the budget was just right for a movie. Thanks to Amazon.com and its Amazon Originals streaming service, Zombieland is a show again. You can watch it right now.
If you've watched it, this was probably the thought running through your head: "How did we go from such a great movie to ... this?"
Hey, uh, buddy? That shotgun is pointing right at your girlfriend's head.
Last week, New York state senator Greg Ball made a tweet, which as we all know is never a good idea for an elected official whose name sounds like genitals.
Greg Ball / Twitter
"Ball 4 NY" indeed.
Last weekend, rookie news anchor A.J. Clemente debuted in his very first live broadcast at Bismarck, North Dakota's own KFYR-TV.
In case you didn't watch the video, A.J. manages to completely destroy his career in the first three seconds of the broadcast, which has to be some kind of record. Thanks to the Internet, which preserves every horrible mistake we make like a hateful eternal library, we are able to examine the meteoric downfall of A.J. Clemente one glorious step at a time.
The day began for A.J. much like any other -- with cautious optimism and a devastating lack of self-awareness:
"Awkward Turtle" is a North Dakotan expression for "so nervous I'm about to poop myself."
In the futuristic American classic Demolition Man, there is a sex scene wherein the two main characters awkwardly sit across from each other on a sofa and wear VR headsets to simulate the activity rather than forcing us to watch Sylvester Stallone crush a 29-year-old Sandra Bullock in his oily meat hooks.
This future brain-helmet sex manipulates neurons and alpha waves, allowing the participants to stimulate each other without ever having to physically touch, which you may recognize as completely defeating the purpose. But that's just early '90s sci-fi, right?
Well, Durex recently unveiled their newest and most innovative brand -- Fundawear, vibrating underwear controlled via smartphone app to keep you and your long-distance significant other from masturbating like normal human beings. Or, more likely, to fingerblast some stranger you just met on the Fundawear forums.
You can't spell "class" without "ass."