Ask any old person and they'll tell you that the best way to learn a business is to work your way from the bottom up. Want to be a professional dolphin wrangler? Start by applying for the job of underwater shit shoveler. Think you'll be a great CEO? You're going to need to work your way up from AEO to BEO first.
But what no one tells you is that the jobs at the bottom of the totem pole aren't simply the crappiest jobs in the workforce. No, the totem pole itself is rigged to steal everything it can from the guys on the bottom. Don't believe us? Here are five new ways companies are exploiting their lowest level employees.
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"Technically, this counts as your tip."
We love it when celebrities lose their minds, but usually the people we watch are the obvious train wrecks just adding more footnotes of craziness to their respective Wikipedia pages. But every now and then, a well-respected actor, a ditzy but harmless chef, or a famously mild-mannered comedian will come out of the blue with something so perfectly insane that it makes Amanda Bynes' latest Twitter rant seem both rational and cogent.
#4. Will Smith Invented His Own Math-Based Religion
In a recent interview with Vulture, Will Smith and his son, Jaden, sat down to talk about After Earth, which would go on to earn worldwide acclaim as the shittiest piece of shit ever released in either of their careers. Right out of the gate, Will calls himself a physicist, and then he begins babbling about some universal space math he invented that has absolutely nothing to do with physics:
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In case you don't follow the mainstream news media, basically the last few weeks have been one big cloud of scandals, involving pretty much every branch of the U.S. government. But while depressing stories about the IRS and NSA have dominated headlines, all sorts of other, far more hilarious scandals have slipped under the radar. While nobody was watching ...
#4. Vladimir Putin Stole a Super Bowl Ring
Back in 2005, the owner of the New England Patriots, Robert Kraft, met with Vladimir Putin in St. Petersburg. When Kraft left that meeting, his latest Super Bowl ring was missing from his hand. When asked about it later, he said that he gave Putin the ring to show his respect for the president and the Russian people. What an extraordinarily kind gesture!
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He's just one Stanley Cup away from the classiest night of vodka in history.
If alien invasion movies have taught us anything, it's that first contact will be initiated by humanity's broadcast signals traveling through space at the speed of light until they reach some distant star. And maybe that's not so bad -- so what if some advanced species of alien is just now picking up our broadcasts of I Love Lucy? But now think of the absolute worst signal these aliens could pick up. The one thing that would convince them that we need to be exterminated.
It'd be Internet comments, right? Well, we have bad news, because it's already happening. Thanks to a new website that blasts user-submitted messages into potentially habitable zones of outer space, the first thing aliens see from us might very well be a racist meme of Patrick from SpongeBob SquarePants:
If Roots reaches them first, the aliens are gonna find this SUPER offensive.