Summertime is here, ladies, and we all know what that means: killer pool parties, driving with the top down, and shaving your "lady lawn" into ridiculous shapes! At least that's the sentiment over at Schick Quattro for Women, a product burdened with the Herculean task of finding new and exciting ways of encouraging women in a public forum to decorate their mons pubis.
And given that they're saddled with job pressures comparable to those of a door-to-door merkin salesman, it's unsurprising to discover that the folks at Schick have completely cracked under the stress. The evidence? The "Prune for June" initiative, a pubic-hair-shaving competition that manages to make no sense whatsoever.
"I'm Don Draper, you're Don Draper, we're all Don Draper!" -the Schick ad team, minutes before they were all fired
Virtual sex company ThriXXX recently announced their new VRSexKit, which will include an array of products to provide the best virtual sex experience created. This isn't too tall of an order, considering that the bar was set in 1992 by The Lawnmower Man, a Stephen King movie absolutely nobody watches anymore.
Anyway, the trailer for the VRSexKit sells the whole shebang as a paradise of masturbation, but -- when you look into the details -- it begins to look more like a prototype Terminator that was sent back in time to manipulate the human race into dying of humiliation. Here are four terrible, likely results of this high-tech onanism rig.
#4. Masturbation Contests
One of the products included in the VRSexKit is a VStroker Fleshlight, which is essentially a hollow rubber tube for men to insert their kaiser rolls. The Fleshlight can be connected to the computer through USB -- this allows the Fleshlight to record each and every stroke, thereby creating a pedometer not for walking, but for "moving your hand as if you're shaking a bottle of Yoo-Hoo."
Of course, this will inevitably lead to an online masturbation leaderboard.
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A beaterboard, one could say.
You probably know Sean Parker as the guy Justin Timberlake played in The Social Network. Remember him? He helped make Napster and was a huge dick to Spider-Man.
Anyway, to demonstrate that he has zero interest in distancing himself from that douchetastic image, Parker got married last week in an elaborate Lord of the Rings-style enchanted forest wedding of his own design that cost more money than any of us will ever even see.
The wedding ended up illegally trampling a national park in the process, proving once and for all that fairy tales only come true for the tooliest toolbags in the Tooliverse. Here are the sordid details.
All hail the Duke and Duchess of Douchton Abbey.
In an outrageous attack on the privacy of the National Security Agency, last week ex-security contractor Edward Snowden leaked -- among many things -- a super secret court order in which the NSA asked to obtain millions of phone records from American Verizon customers. So the government not only knows you've been calling Rudy's Dildo Palace three times a day, but also knows how much time you've spent there, thanks to your phone's GPS tracker. Is nothing sacred anymore?
But as anyone who's ever relied on their significant other for rides to work knows, we'll probably have to forgive the government for this. However, we really shouldn't -- even though the sex is great, the fact is that this scandal is worse than you probably think, because ...
#4. There's Nothing Remotely Illegal About It (and That's Bad)
Like anything with the word "scandal" attached, the first question on everyone's mind always is "Who's going to jail for this?" Well, you can take those truTV-watchin' pajama pants off, because there's no single person taking the rap for this one ... since technically no one did anything wrong.
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"Here's to institutional sociopathy!"