A smartphone is like the new wallet, in that you can rifle through one quickly to see if its owner is a complete psychopath. And nowadays, phone apps have taken the place of such familiar billfold red flags as handcuff keys, bloody fingernails, baggies of horse tranquilizer, and Dave Matthews Band tickets.
So if you spy your loved ones using any of the following apps, change your name, take to the hills, and enjoy your new life as an old-timey jug merchant. Why? Because these apps let you ...
#5. Comb Facebook for Awkward Sex
The biggest problem with Facebook is that it's difficult to completely alienate yourself from friends and family without the assistance of scotch and politics. But thanks to the app Bang With Friends -- which Apple has already banned -- you don't need these lubricants to reduce your social life to a flaming desert of ash speckled with oases of shit-filled magma.
"This is the way our friendship ends. Not with a bang."
There are very few actors who can pull off the superhuman look: Vin Diesel, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and possibly Bruce Willis, provided his chin doesn't disappear any further into his neck. However, only one action star actually behaves like a superhuman, and that's Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. If his recent escapades are any indication, he apparently crash landed on Earth in a space bassinet and is only just now discovering the extent of his alien abilities.
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One of which is the power to wear that outfit without looking like a douche.
Ask any old person and they'll tell you that the best way to learn a business is to work your way from the bottom up. Want to be a professional dolphin wrangler? Start by applying for the job of underwater shit shoveler. Think you'll be a great CEO? You're going to need to work your way up from AEO to BEO first.
But what no one tells you is that the jobs at the bottom of the totem pole aren't simply the crappiest jobs in the workforce. No, the totem pole itself is rigged to steal everything it can from the guys on the bottom. Don't believe us? Here are five new ways companies are exploiting their lowest level employees.
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"Technically, this counts as your tip."
We love it when celebrities lose their minds, but usually the people we watch are the obvious train wrecks just adding more footnotes of craziness to their respective Wikipedia pages. But every now and then, a well-respected actor, a ditzy but harmless chef, or a famously mild-mannered comedian will come out of the blue with something so perfectly insane that it makes Amanda Bynes' latest Twitter rant seem both rational and cogent.
#4. Will Smith Invented His Own Math-Based Religion
In a recent interview with Vulture, Will Smith and his son, Jaden, sat down to talk about After Earth, which would go on to earn worldwide acclaim as the shittiest piece of shit ever released in either of their careers. Right out of the gate, Will calls himself a physicist, and then he begins babbling about some universal space math he invented that has absolutely nothing to do with physics:
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