At this point in human history, most of us are now hard-wired to either A) distrust what we read on Internet or B) distrust what we read on the Internet and shout profanity at the screen. But one topic that still turns us into slack-jawed marks at an 1800s snake oil show are "lifehacks," those time-saving tips and tricks that range from handy (the pain of a paper cut can be stopped with chapstick) to unmitigated clusterfucks.
We asked long-suffering Cracked writer Evan Symon to dive back into the fetid crevasse where stupid Internet lifehacks go to spawn and die, and return with six potential stinkers to test on his own body. What bad ideas did he dredge up?
#6. Using Peanut Butter As Shaving Cream
For the everyday shaver, if you run out of shaving cream, you just use a dab of soap. It's not entirely satisfactory, but it works in a pinch. BUT WHAT IF YOU RUN OUT OF SOAP? According to Examiner.com, peanut butter makes for a more than serviceable price-conscious replacement (for shaving your face, not scrubbing your junk). To test this, I grew enough facial hair to look like a Seattle barista circa 1992 and then slathered my face with a veritable "glop" of peanut butter.
Or "a "diarrhea of" depending on your bathroom lighting.
Eleven years ago, the world had two good Terminator movies. Then the franchise stopped being self-aware. Millions
died in nuclear fire sat through a film about an evil cyborg with a boob job. The survivors called it "unnecessary." In 2015, the studio machine will try again.
Yes, next July, we're getting the fifth Terminator film, the abysmally-titled Terminator Genisys. And according to early indicators, this movie sounds so monumentally terrible that it will bury this dead horse of a franchise so deep in the ground that it'll hit the molten mantle and give us a flaming thumbs-up.
While we give it the flaming middle finger.
Just as when televisions threatened the matinee back in the 1950s, on-demand streaming technology from places like Netflix and YouPorn are causing the powers who trade in overpriced popcorn to get a wee bit jumpy. Sixty years ago, some theater owners reacted to the outside threat to their livelihoods by unleashing a wave of insane gimmicks, like vibrating "Tingler" seats and mock "so scary you might die!" insurance policies. But we'd never resort to that level of desperate, publicity-seeking shamelessness nowadays, right?
#5. They Want Phones to Be Socially Acceptable in Theaters
Wonderful. Just when society evolved to the point where most people realize that talking on a cellphone during a movie is a supremely shitty thing to do, now they're going to actually encourage us to use our mobile devices in the theater? People have been shot and killed for that.
The shooter was arrested, but only because he had also been using his phone during the movie.
Ever since the interconnected films of Marvel Studios started raking in more money than most of the nations of the world, every studio in Hollywood has been frantically looking for suitable candidates to develop their own cinematic universes.
Some of these seem like logical fits, such as the upcoming DC Universe and the impending cornucopia of Star Wars spinoffs. Then there are the following atrocities, which make about as much sense as an interconnected series of films about all the different Pop-Tart flavors.
#4. Good News, Everybody! They're Making More Twilight!
Twilight is a classic horror franchise, in the sense that part of the definition of "classic" is "it made a bunch of money a few years ago but is no longer culturally relevant." However, Hollywood isn't about to let this cash cow about a relationship more frightening than any of the actual monsters go to its grave just because they've already filmed all of the source material, so they've cast some black-magic spell to bind us all to a sprawling new universe of Twilight short films set to debut on the Internet.
Which is honestly further than this franchise should have gotten, talent- and effort-wise.