We're not journalists here at Cracked, but thanks to Google and a little something called baseline literacy, we're once again here to bring you the latest in unmitigated horseshit the news has to offer. No need to thank us with offerings of gifts and/or tasteful nude photographs -- all we ask is that the next time you read about the latest teen trend or crazy story from China in your news feed, keep in mind that it might be baloney, just like ...
#6. Selfies Aren't Spreading Head Lice
Selfies have popped up in all sorts of dumbass situations lately, but the real horror apparently comes in the last place you'd expect:
"It's just like the dick pics crabs outbreak of '09."
2013 was the year when everyone decided that having an entire computer in our pocket just wasn't convenient enough. Thanks to crowdfunding sites (and thousands of late-night Internet denizens with poor impulse control), you'll soon be able to supplement your wardrobe and/or annoy the shit out of anyone in a 5-foot radius with the following inventions.
#5. Neurocam Lets Everyone See How Much You Hate Them
Welcome to the wonderful world of tomorrow! The future is finally here, and it looks like a woman with an iPhone awkwardly strapped to her head:
"Move over, Bluetooth set. There's a new douche in town!"
The corrections section is an important aspect of news reporting, as it shows readers that journalists aren't just churning out shit as soon as they can type it, but actually care enough to double-check their work (after they've published it). As we've pointed out before, this leads to esteemed publications having to swallow what's left of their pride and print hilariously embarrassing admissions like ...
#4. The Guardian Accidentally Outs Patrick Stewart
As you might have heard, last week Juno star Ellen Page announced her homosexuality, thereby prompting various news sites to desperately struggle to drum up a story angle that justified placing "Famous Person You Will Never Meet Is Gay" as front-page news. The Guardian increased the revelations by 100 percent by noting that "Some gay people, such as Sir Patrick Stewart, think Page's coming out speech is newsworthy."
The problem? No matter how many pictures you see of Patrick Stewart and Gandalf being fabulous together, the man is in a happy heterosexual marriage with a woman.
That's not going to stop Elmo from eye-fucking the both of them, though.
The hip hop industry is a brutal game. Two or three years can be a lifetime in a rap career, and sooner or later most artists find themselves attaching their names to the most ridiculous shit imaginable (see: Vanilla Ice, cheese noodles) just to avoid having to get real jobs. It can be pretty difficult to locate your principles when doing a commercial for Hot Pockets or Burger King is the only thing standing between you and an entry-level position at Walmart.
#4. Bow Wow and Michael Vick Want to Sell You Hair Products
Last week it was announced that Bow Wow will be teaming up with occasional NFL quarterback Michael Vick to bring the world WaveMasterz, a new line of exciting hair products including durags, brushes, and pomade. We feel this is a particularly fabulous idea considering that, up to this point, neither of their respective careers have had anything to do with hair care in any way. There is also the constant danger that Vick might be thrown into a violent flashback by Bow Wow's nickname and drown him in a pit in his backyard.
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It's the Like Mike reboot only Satan asked for.