We'll admit it: not every dubious-looking film turns out to be cinematic balls on the face. But between the new Jurassic World cartoon trailer and Dr. Doom's new blog, there's a lot of reasons to feel uneasy about upcoming blockbusters ... especially with jerkasses telling everyone how irrevocably screwed they are.
So to balance out our incessant doom-saying, we've taken to occasionally reminding everyone that there are upcoming films out there with such bizarre potential that they actually give us a feeling that some might call the opposite of dread. Some kind of un-hate that we're unable to fully articulate. Whatever this wacky brain anomaly is, what's for sure is that more people need to feel it about the following films:
#6. Hardcore: A Movie Shot Entirely Like a First-Person Shooter
Doom blew. If someone videotaped Karl Urban getting a CT scan for two hours, wrote the word "Doom" on the VHS, and then walked around New York violently throwing copies at people, it would have been better received than the actual film. That is, with the exception of that pretty sweet first-person POV scene way late in the movie. Wouldn't it be great if someone just did that for two hours?
Keeping a brand new and fresh is a constant challenge for advertisers, as they must court an audience who has the attention span of a child having a birthday party in a candy factory on Planet Cocaine.
So you would think that most multi-million-dollar corporations would be careful to avoid logos that provoke a wicked case of "the church titters" among that large demographic who overuse the word "titter." But no, companies don't, and we titter, and titter and titter and titter.
#4. Tesco: "Drink Our Nut Butter/Man Milk!"
You know what everyone likes to think about when they're drinking a big, hearty glass of buttermilk? Semen! (Also, why the hell are you drinking straight buttermilk?) Anyway, that's apparently what the design team at the grocery chain Tesco was thinking when they produced these cartons of milk, which depict either a LEGO pitcher trapped inside normal-sized testicles or an average jug cocooned in ogre genitals, perhaps those of beloved man-monster Shrek.
Yes, this design was an udder massackre.
Seeing as how there's a woefully narrow spectrum of socially acceptable Christmas costumes, most people don't dress up in silly costumes on Xmas. Think about it: you have Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, King Herod, She-Krampus, bale of manger hay, Mrs. King Herod, and that's it, really.
Nonetheless, costume companies are mercilessly pushing for the Halloweenization of Christmas, transmuting every possible aspect of the holiday into an accidentally frightening pile of terror garbage. Watch -- this time next year, you'll see "Bride of Frankincense" and "Sexy Myrrh" decking the halls of your neighborhood party-crapola emporium.
#8. Nutcrackers From Hell
You may know The Nutcracker as a quintessential seasonal ballet about child endangerment and rat kings. But what you may not realize is that human-sized nutcrackers are absolutely terrifying. Tchaikovsky never warned us about this shit:
No matter how crappy your year has been -- and if you're a Malaysia Airlines or Sony Pictures executive, the word is "extremely" -- at least you can still look forward to enjoying a nice, cheerful, merry Chri- wait, nope, it's ruined. Yep, it's not even the 24th yet and dumb people across the world have already managed to shit all over the upcoming Christmas. Oh, well, there's always 2015.
How exactly have they Grinched up Jesus' birthday, you ask? Like this:
#6. TGI Friday's "Mistletoe Drone" Cuts Someone's Face
TGI Friday's might not represent the high point of cuisine, but at least the food won't kill you. No, they handed that responsibility off to the mistletoe-wielding drone that chopped a section out of an innocent photographer's nose.
"TGI wasn't flying at crotch level."