If you've seen the news lately or, like, gone outside for even a second, you may have noticed that the United States is currently suffering from one of the worst droughts in recent history, with half of the country now officially going through a major dry spell.
Suddenly, Texas wishes it wasn't a red state.
But, you know ... it's just a little water (or the lack thereof). It's not like the country is running out of something essential, like booze or something. What's the worst that could happen? Well, it turns out that besides the normal side effects like increasing earthquakes, raising mountains, and sinking the land, the drought is also bringing freakier consequences straight out of a Roland Emmerich CGI-fest, such as ...
#5. Towns Are Being Invaded by Mountains of Tumbleweed
For those who don't live in the hotter, desert-er regions of the world where nobody should be living anyway, tumbleweed is something you see in cartoons when they want to indicate that the town Scooby and the gang just rolled into is empty. But, much like birds or babies, tumbleweeds aren't that funny when you leave the house one morning and find an army of them staring at you -- which is what's happening right now in several U.S. states.
"Block's ours now. You ain't made of weed, keep walking."
There's a lot going on in the X-Men film franchise. We got one trilogy that ended on a terrible, fan-souring note, then a second series of movies focusing on the main character of the original trilogy, then a reboot that recast all of the main characters as younger versions of themselves in the 1960s, and now a sequel to that reboot that combines the original cast with the reboot cast while simultaneously confirming that all seven movies are actually part of the same continuity and buying back everything that happened in the Brett Ratner penisburp that was X-Men: The Last Stand.
While Days of Future Past does a good job of connecting all those disparate dots, there are still a fair amount of plot threads left dangling in the wind, along with a litany of unanswered questions and things that are straight up presented to us but never explained (such as "Why the hell are all the files in Peter Dinklage's office kept in a vertical cabinet 5 feet off the ground?"). But what's most disturbing are the storylines implied by the movies, which manage to be deeply unsettling without ever getting a minute of screen time.
#4. Professor X Stole a Young Man's Body and Mutated Him into an Exact Physical Double of Himself (And Is Secretly Addicted to Drugs)
At the end of X-Men: The Last Stand, we see that Professor X has somehow managed to transfer his consciousness into the body of a brain-dead coma patient. So even though we saw him get ripped apart by Jean Grey's series-destroying celestial black magic, we at least got a little relief in knowing that he would live on, albeit in the body of some guy whose family was about to receive some challenging news.
20th Century Fox
"So our family gets to upgrade from Dale to Patrick Stewart? Sweet, fuck Dale."
The people who appear in movie posters inhabit a strange alternate reality even more fantastic than the movies themselves -- a place where the basic rules of space and common sense aren't so much "different" as "nonexistent." It's easy to overlook how ridiculous these posters are when you're just glancing at them, trying to decide which movie will make you hate yourself less for spending $8 to see it, but once you start paying attention, you can't help but notice things like ...
#5. Stalingrad Takes Russian Indifference to the Extreme
Action movies have conditioned us to associate an actor's indifference toward devastating destruction with badassedness, rather than, you know, being a soulless shell of a human being. Combine this trend with the Russian people's legendary inability to give a single shit and the result is the poster for Stalingrad, in which a giant plane is set to crash just above the scene and not one of the eight actors is even looking at it. Some men just don't care to watch the world burn.
"Highest grossing" doesn't include shirtless Putin horse videos.
Sure, Hollywood films look all silky and smooth when they're edited and CGI-ed and the cameras are actually facing the actors, but even the most multimillion dollar of blockbusters look absolutely crazy when they're being cobbled together in meatspace. Here are some recent examples:
#4. Transformers 4 Is Michael Bay's Own Private Torture Chamber
The Transformers films continually turn a profit because each movie is two hours of white noise and exploding tinsel. They tap into that primordial corner of the human brain with such ferocity that audiences don't even give a shit if they end up gazing slack-jawed at Shia LaBeouf's meerkat sneer for three hours.
But underneath that barrage of crackling crapola are the antics of maybe the happiest man in Hollywood: Michael Bay. Now, throughout his career, Bay has gotten a ton of shit from everybody with eyes, but it's a bit more difficult to hate the guy when you see him levitating an Audi full of concerned actors while crazy-eyed, humping the air, and dressed like Doc Brown:
"I'm wearing white to enjoy the splatter."