Like 99.9999 percent of all pay apps are either flagrantly useless to our evolutionary survival or just bullshit copies of flash games you can play for free on the Internet. App makers know this, which is why some of the most lucrative apps this year got that way by offering the game for free, followed by a little-known moneymaking technique the industry likes to call "scamming the fuck out of you."
Now, don't get us wrong: Anyone who claims they've never spent money on a smart-phone app is the next Unabomber. However, the next time your finger is hovering over that 99 cent "buy" icon, all we ask is that you take a moment to consider that ...
#5. Apps Intentionally Look Stupid to Weed Out the Willing
Ever wonder why Nigerian email scammers still use the same shit-grammar tale of royal riches to lure their victims, when anyone with half a brain can instantly tell they're full of shit? Because it's the people with less than half a brain that they're interested in. By using such an obvious scam, they're able to weed out the rare patches of people incapable of detecting obvious red flags. It's kind of the same sample you get when, we dunno, you put out a game specifically for Kim Kardashian fans.
Shouldn't have picked the "Say Jews control Hollywood" button.
You ever have that funny friend, the class-clown type, who one day just stopped being funny around you? Did it make you think they were depressed? Because it's far more likely that, in reality, that was the first time they were comfortable enough around you to drop the act.
The ones who kill themselves, well, they're funny right up to the end.
The trailer for the upcoming Mad Max reboot, Mad Max: Fury Road, recently exploded onto the Internet like the angry specter of Mel Gibson's pre-'90s career. Fans of the series have expressed worry that this new film could go the way of Red Dawn and Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit by simultaneously being hideously awful and making us all mournfully aware of our age.
But it seems like those fears may be unwarranted -- according to all the information we've gathered about the production, Mad Max: Fury Road may likely be the biggest dose of jackfuck lunacy ever captured on film, which is exactly what Mad Max fans would want.
#4. The Writer/Director Is Clearly a Maniac
When making a remake or reboot it is always a good idea to have a writer or director who knows the series well and actually cares about things like characters and story structure. For example, when they rebooted the James Bond series back in 2006, the task was given to Martin Campbell, the man who directed the fan-favorite GoldenEye 11 years before. On the other hand, under no circumstances should you call George Lucas for any reason during your reboot, as he has damaged every series he has touched since the O.J. Simpson trial.
His cameo in Beverly Hills Cop 3 is very aptly named.
As the new Michael-Bay-produced TMNT film wafts across the nation, aging nerds everywhere have already lit funeral pyres for their childhoods at the sight of an auburn-haired April O'Neil adventuring alongside wisecracking reptile fetuses. Clearly, this movie encroaches upon the sanctity of the 1980s series and its many cherished storylines, such as the time Raphael left his girlfriend for dead in the middle of the ocean, or that episode where the Turtles eye-banged the shit out of April and stalked her at a party.
Okay, maybe the '80s cartoon was a little touched. At least we still have the comic books to nostalgically contain our innocence, right?
"Uh, no one hand him any coins."