This won't take but a minute, and I promise this won't be a waste of your time. It's three steps ...Step 1: Get out a pen and paper. You don't need much, an old receipt or something. Write down, in just a few words, what you did yesterday. Leave out the sleeping, eating, pooping, etc. And be totally honest, nobody is going to see it but you. So maybe it's something like:
8 am - 5 pm: working
5 pm - 7 pm: browsing the Internet, catching up with everybody on facebook, masturbating
8 pm - 9 pm: talking on phone with a friend
9 pm - midnight: playing an iPhone game, scrolling through Netflix menus
Perfect, you're half done. If you want to stop and take a break, enjoy this animated gif:
Are you sick of the same tired-ass superhero movies? Are you already fatigued by the 2015 Fantastic Four reboot? Are you exasperated by the fact that Batman v. Superman looks like it has all the mirth and wonderment of a Transylvanian condom ad? Wouldn't it be great if Hollywood threw caution to the wind and just invented a new goddamn crime-fighter?
Well, you're in luck! Look no further than Falconman, the upcoming superhero film starring famous Francophones Jean-Claude Van Damme and Gerard Depardieu. Here's the poster -- it will tell you everything you need to know about falcons, men, men who resemble falcons, and Photoshop.
"My arch-nemesis is kerning."
There were seven earthquakes in Oklahoma over the weekend. Crazy, right? Not when you consider that, as of June 2014, there have been more earthquakes in Oklahoma than anywhere else in the continental United States, including California. It's not by a narrow margin, either. Just taking quakes with a magnitude of 3.0 or greater into account, the most recent numbers have them "winning" 207 to 140, a beating the likes of which hasn't been seen in an Oklahoma vs. California match-up since this year's NBA Western Conference Semifinals.
Sorry, FCC requirements demand that we make at least six sports references each year.
While there's no shortage of totally amazing true stories in the world, the problem with those is that you actually have to go out and find them -- and why bother, when you can just make shit up and everyone will share it anyway? So in the interest of preserving our own journalistic credibility of bringing you stories of ventriloquism sex and real-life ghost hunters, here is yet another sifting of dung gold from the plethora of ridiculous online media ...
#6. Women Don't Avoid Exercise Because "Boobs"
We understand the impulse to put "boobs" or "breasts" in as many headlines as possible. We just did that. But, if you decide to use this powerful tool, the Mirror, the Independent, and Yahoo, at least make sure the story is true:
But not of "journalism," clearly.