For most of us, the most dire homeowner problems we'll ever tackle will be leaky plumbing, toxic mold growths, and wacky neighbors who barge in to ask for cheese. But for the people on this list, no homeowner's insurance is ever going to cover the shit that is trying to drag them to Hell itself as we speak.
#4. Hundreds of Snakes and Thousands of Spiders Overrun Homes
Every now and then, you end up living in a witch's cauldron and you don't even know it. For no apparent reason, two of humanities greatest fears infested two different homes. Twice, in one case.
In Regina, Canada, one family, which has asked to remain anonymous so that friends and family will still visit them (seriously), keeps finding hundreds of garter snakes in their house. While it's true that garter snakes are harmless, the longest one measured nearly one meter ... and there were 102 of them. One month later, an additional 119 were removed from the house, and more remain at large. The choice to avoid warning their friends and family about their snake problem? Kind of a dick move.
Pictured: harmless (no, really)
We'll admit it: not every dubious-looking film turns out to be cinematic balls on the face. But between the new Jurassic World cartoon trailer and Dr. Doom's new blog, there's a lot of reasons to feel uneasy about upcoming blockbusters ... especially with jerkasses telling everyone how irrevocably screwed they are.
So to balance out our incessant doom-saying, we've taken to occasionally reminding everyone that there are upcoming films out there with such bizarre potential that they actually give us a feeling that some might call the opposite of dread. Some kind of un-hate that we're unable to fully articulate. Whatever this wacky brain anomaly is, what's for sure is that more people need to feel it about the following films:
#6. Hardcore: A Movie Shot Entirely Like a First-Person Shooter
Doom blew. If someone videotaped Karl Urban getting a CT scan for two hours, wrote the word "Doom" on the VHS, and then walked around New York violently throwing copies at people, it would have been better received than the actual film. That is, with the exception of that pretty sweet first-person POV scene way late in the movie. Wouldn't it be great if someone just did that for two hours?
Keeping a brand new and fresh is a constant challenge for advertisers, as they must court an audience who has the attention span of a child having a birthday party in a candy factory on Planet Cocaine.
So you would think that most multi-million-dollar corporations would be careful to avoid logos that provoke a wicked case of "the church titters" among that large demographic who overuse the word "titter." But no, companies don't, and we titter, and titter and titter and titter.
#4. Tesco: "Drink Our Nut Butter/Man Milk!"
You know what everyone likes to think about when they're drinking a big, hearty glass of buttermilk? Semen! (Also, why the hell are you drinking straight buttermilk?) Anyway, that's apparently what the design team at the grocery chain Tesco was thinking when they produced these cartons of milk, which depict either a LEGO pitcher trapped inside normal-sized testicles or an average jug cocooned in ogre genitals, perhaps those of beloved man-monster Shrek.
Yes, this design was an udder massackre.
Seeing as how there's a woefully narrow spectrum of socially acceptable Christmas costumes, most people don't dress up in silly costumes on Xmas. Think about it: you have Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, King Herod, She-Krampus, bale of manger hay, Mrs. King Herod, and that's it, really.
Nonetheless, costume companies are mercilessly pushing for the Halloweenization of Christmas, transmuting every possible aspect of the holiday into an accidentally frightening pile of terror garbage. Watch -- this time next year, you'll see "Bride of Frankincense" and "Sexy Myrrh" decking the halls of your neighborhood party-crapola emporium.
#8. Nutcrackers From Hell
You may know The Nutcracker as a quintessential seasonal ballet about child endangerment and rat kings. But what you may not realize is that human-sized nutcrackers are absolutely terrifying. Tchaikovsky never warned us about this shit: