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March 30, 2013

The 3 Most Terrifying Faces Drawn by Nature

By E. Reid Ross | 236,006 Views

There is a particularly disturbing trend among some species of animal to evolve features on their bodies that look eerily like human faces, presumably to earn our trust so they can get close enough to lay 5,000 eggs in our ear canal.

#3. Shield Bugs

Photos.com

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March 29, 2013

The IRS 'Comedy' Video That Cost (You) $60,000

By Cyriaque Lamar | 85,445 Views

Here at Cracked, we go with what we know. For example, our daily site duties don't include guarding America's nuclear launch codes from the safety of our rampart-less Santa Monica office, or building federal highways in the shape of David Wong's head. But comedy sketches about the hidden Freudian symbols in Jurassic Park 3 and "15 Famous Kittens You Never Knew Possessed Telepathy"? Those are in our wheelhouse.

Jurassic Park Wiki
Narrator: PENIS PENIS EVERYWHERE PENIS.

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March 28, 2013

Why Nobody Should Be Sad the Miami Heat Finally Lost

By Adam Tod Brown | 87,135 Views

Last night, the once despised but since kind of redeemed Miami Heat saw their almost-but-not-quite-historic-enough winning streak come to an end at 27 games, just six shy of the Los Angeles Lakers' NBA record of 33. To give you some perspective, the NBA season is only 82 games. That means to topple this record, you have to win almost 40 percent of the season in a row.

Whether those really ardent LeBron James detractors want to admit it or not, it's always kind of a bummer when you don't get to see history made after having it be such a distinct possibility for so long. With the exclusion of most real Lakers fans and any Cavaliers fans who can't let go, just about everyone else wanted to see the Heat break that record. We suspect that one man in particular is taking their failure to do so harder than most, though. That, of course, is former Miami Dolphins running back Mercury Morris.

Jim McIsaac/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
If you see him, tell him we said shut it.

Oh, you want us to explain? Fine. Mercury Morris was the star running back for the 1972 Miami Dolphins team that made history by going undefeated for an entire season, including the playoffs and Super Bowl. They remain the only NFL team to ever pull that off. Unlike the rest of his teammates, who have moved on with their lives since that unblemished season, Mercury Morris has been riding the fame he achieved from this single accomplishment for over 40 years now by showing up to talk shit every single time another NFL team looks like they might come close to breaking his Dolphins' coveted record. And, because nothing classy ever happens in Florida, he's almost always a gigantic dick about it. How much of a dick? Here's a picture of him pointing at a sign that says "Welcome to Perfectville: Pop. 1."

Jim McIsaac/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
Pictured: humility.

Mercury Morris is that much of a dick. Not just the tip, so to speak. All of it. He's all the dick. His only reason for living is to gloat every time another NFL team fails to pull off what his team did, even if another team technically has. See, the Miami Dolphins won 17 games during their perfect season. In 2007, the New England Patriots won 18 games in a row before hilariously succumbing to Peyton Manning's even-less-fun-to-look-at little brother and the New York Giants in one of the biggest upsets in Super Bowl history. You can make a pretty strong argument that they at least deserve a mention alongside those legendary Dolphins, right? Not if you ask Mercury Morris.

If you're unable to watch the video, just know that it's the source of the aforementioned "Perfectville" sign, which Mercury Morris points to in the video as if it's the state's key piece of evidence in a murder trial while explaining why the New England Patriots can kiss his perfect ass.

For what it's worth, if this video is to be believed, "Perfectville" as it relates to city planning means "mostly populated by elderly men."

No wonder Tom Brady didn't want to live there. Also, nobody wants a neighbor who does shit like this ...

That's Mercury Morris shooting an impromptu PSA for the dangers of using cocaine before a live television appearance by putting his taunts about going undefeated in the form of terrifyingly awful rap lyrics on an episode of Sports Center, because he's that fucking guy.

Of course, because football and basketball are essentially the same thing, Mercury Morris decided that the Miami Heat's potential run at history was just cause to come out from under the perfectly formed rock he lives beneath to alert the media that his Miami Dolphins went undefeated back in 1972. As usual, he was a total bitch about it. Here's a quote:

"I would say logistically they've come into town and they've got several blocks to go. As a matter of fact, I think about eight or nine blocks to go. But when they get to 30, they'll be in the neighborhood. And when they get to 31, they'll be on the block. But I ask the question, Will they be parking?"

Who talks that way? We'd like to remind you that the "blocks" he's referring to are within a make-believe town called "Perfectville" where Mercury Morris believes he is the only resident. If you're sad that the Miami Heat narrowly missed out on making history, at least take solace in knowing that it means Mercury Morris finally has the one thing all of us want for him the most: a reason to shut the fuck up about the 1972 Miami Dolphins.



Adam would like to invite anyone in the LA area to come see him tell jokes in person the first and third Tuesday of every month at Westside Comedy Theater in Santa Monica. Go here for tickets and more information. You can also follow Adam on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr.

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March 28, 2013

4 Requirements of North Korean Propaganda Videos

By David Christopher Bell, Josh Hrala | 149,751 Views

North Korea released a video last week depicting a nuclear assault on Washington, D.C., the quality of which was somewhere between a Final Cut Pro tutorial and a SyFy original movie starring Lorenzo Lamas. This is a pretty typical trend of North Korean propaganda, which in the past has enjoyed some varsity-level moments of unintentional comedy, all of which can be divided into the following four categories:

#4. Spaceships

One recent video shows a guy slipping off into a peaceful murder dream wherein he is flying high above the Earth in an orbiting craft named Kwangmyongsong 21, despite the fact that no one from North Korea has ever seen the inside of a spaceship. Below him, the world is unified as one country. Except for America, which is currently burning in the righteous fires of "go fuck yourself" and consequently wasn't invited.

North Korea
"Our advanced technology is NOTHING against their stock GIFs of explosions."