Quick Fixes

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July 19, 2013

3 People Who Accidentally Showed X-Rated Videos to Everyone

By XJ Selman | 437,621 Views

What's your worst nightmare? Showing up to school naked? Forgetting about a big test? Or accidentally walking in on your grandma doing a #2? Trick question, fools! We all know that the ultimate nightmare is accidentally broadcasting your freaky masturbatory preferences to the world, which is A) more prevalent than you think and B) exactly what happened to these poor SOBs.

#3. Professor Forgets to Unplug Laptop from Projector, Streams Porn Online

After a long day at work, some people just want to sit back, relax, and watch total strangers simulate making genetic clones of themselves on the Internet. For one professor, however, waiting for the work day to end just wasn't going to cut it. So once his students had left, he decided to go to a little site known as PornHub, which unnamed sources tell us is not a tasty new sandwich stand that specializes in po'boys.

But Professor Numbnuts forgot one tiny detail: unplugging the laptop from the projector.

Reddit via Gawker
"Would anyone care to replicate the following demonstration?"

Article

July 18, 2013

4 Movies You Won't Believe Hollywood Is Remaking

By David Christopher Bell | 592,408 Views

It used to be that if a movie bombed, film executives would read the tea leaves and not make that damn movie again. But nowadays, the game has changed. Just because a movie is "mildly dated" or "criminally terrible" doesn't mean that a studio shouldn't mindlessly give it another go like a three-legged lemming. Here are some of the most inexplicable remakes coming down the pike.

#4. They're Remaking Point Break, but Without the Surfing

That's right: The surfing, bank-robbin', sky-divin', president-mask-wearing '90s action flick is getting remade -- only without the surfing part, which they've traded in for "extreme sports" to better appeal to 2002 audiences. This means the title of the film no longer makes any sense, since it's a surfing reference. At this point, why not just call the Point Break remake something else and be done with it?

Universal Studios
Worked for these guys.

Article

July 16, 2013

4 People Who Just Had The Worst Day Of Work Ever

By J.F. Sargent | 419,048 Views

Most everyday workplace mishaps are embarrassing but harmless (see: accidentally unleashing a corpse flower of a fart upon seeing your office crush saunter into the break room). However, no matter how mortifying, our avocational cock-ups don't make the national news. The same can't be said for these poor bastards, whose bad days at work quickly became the most publicly embarrassing moments of their entire lives.

#4. Bank Employee Accidentally Embezzles $300 Million

A German bank employee recently fell asleep at work. That in and of itself isn't too surprising, but he somehow managed to conk out in the middle of transferring funds with his finger resting leadenly on the "2" key and accidentally sent some poor retired guy 222,222,222,222 euros. That's almost $300 million, which is roughly enough money to fly to the moon three times.

Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Four times, if you steal your spacesuit from the Smithsonian.

Article

July 15, 2013

4 Astounding Screw-Ups Government Workers Failed to Notice

By XJ Selman | 332,834 Views

Screw-ups happen in any line of work -- sometimes you file a report with the wrong department, sometimes you forget to include the extra pickles. And on some occasions, your whoopsie is "accidentally passing a law that affects millions of people." Indeed, when the government has a brain fart on the job, the results can be way more disastrous. Like so ...

#4. Deputies Accidentally Direct Abuse Victims to Sex Hotline

Talking to abuse victims and giving them the support they need requires tact and empathy, two things law enforcement agents aren't exactly known throughout the land for. That's why the local sheriff's office in Lake County, Florida, just handed victims this pamphlet with a bunch of support numbers they could call:

WKMG
"Eh, let's just recycle the Sheriff Has a Boner Support pamphlet. What could go wrong?"

What the victims didn't know -- until they called the number and heard heavy moaning on the other side -- was that the "24-hour hotline service" actually referred to a sex line. Apparently, these exact pamphlets have been going out for several years and no one noticed the mistake, despite the fact that the real support center doesn't even have an 800 number. On the upside, those sultry-voiced sex workers were probably a lot more qualified to talk to victims than the cops.

#3. Florida Accidentally Bans the Internet

Back in April, Florida passed a bill that banned all slot machines and Internet cafes within the state to help crack down on their giant gambling problem (as gambling excessively is the only way to tolerate living in Florida). However, since whoever wrote up the bill was probably some senior citizen for whom "getting online" is something you do at the bank, the bill's wording was so bad that it technically banned all devices connected to the Internet, including computers and smartphones.

Joe Raedle/Getty Images News/Getty Images
"This is dumb even for our state ..."

The anti-Internet bill is currently the subject of a lawsuit. Whatever the outcome, what's certain is that all of you reading this in Florida are filthy outlaws right now, and we've automatically reported you to the FBI.

Photos.com
"I didn't choose Wi-Fi, Wi-Fi chose me."

#2. The IRS Accidentally Makes Thousands of Social Security Numbers Public

Every once in a while you hear about a game company getting hacked, forcing users to change their password to something a little safer than "password." What's more alarming is when the company itself posts the private information for all to see ... or when that "company" is actually the government. Which is exactly what happened a few days ago, when the IRS accidentally published tens of thousands of Social Security numbers online. Unfortunately, you can't just log in and pick a new one in this case.

Apparently, some distracted IRS worker just forgot to redact the SSNs when uploading a new database. How do you forget to put a black bar over thousands and thousands of lines? Isn't that something that sticks in your mind?

Comstock/Comstock/Getty Images
"No, I definitely spent all afternoon doing that ... or was I playing Candy Crush?"

#1. Costa Rica Accidentally Legalizes Gay Marriage

Gay marriage has been gaining traction over the last few years, but the truth is, it's still pretty illegal in most of the world. Just over a dozen countries have recognized it, and last week, Costa Rica became one of those countries. By accident.

Universal Studios
We've never seen this movie and never will, but we're pretty sure that's the exact plot.

You see, some sneaky Costa Rican lawmakers decided to reword a part of a law that they were sure would pass, presumably named "The Free Penis Enlargement for Congress Members Bill." The law talked about "the right to recognition without discrimination contrary to human dignity," something that conservative lawmakers happily signed up for ... until they realized that "human dignity" includes gay folks, too. And that's how Costa Rica became fabulous.

AFP/AFP/Getty Images
Well, more fabulous.

Check out XJ's $0.99 science-fiction novella on Amazon here, with the sequel coming out very soon. And of course, you should look at his writing blog and poke him on Twitter.