From entitled douchebags looking to hook up to a game show based on musical chairs, April is the kind of month that lets us know exactly what the television programmers of the world think of us. The short answer: They hate us. So much.
Here are the four least anticipated television shows of April 2013.
Bad news, horse and food fans -- European burger processing plants have been combining your two favorite things and calling it "beef." And don't start bragging about your superior beef industry, America -- despite increased scrutiny over imported beef, it is still entirely possible for a dead horse to sneak into your hamburger at some point, and when it does, it will bring a world-ending zombie outbreak with it.
What's that? You have no idea how horse meat and a zombie wasteland could possibly be related? Well, keep reading.
Maybe keep a shotgun nearby, just in case.
While working as an accountant for Detective Comics in 1939, Victor Fox noticed that their newfangled Superman character was pulling in some sweet, sweet bread (the kind you buy hookers with, not the kind you eat). Inspired, Fox left DC and decided to start his own lucrative comic franchise, hiring an artist named Will Eisner to create a character that could compete with the Man of Steel. And by "compete," we mean "plagiarize Superman so hard, they might as well have traced him onto a napkin and published that." Eisner reluctantly obliged, and the world was given Wonder Man.
The new Percy Jackson trailer proves just how shallow the well of teen-marketed fantasy apparently is, for there is literally no single moment in its two-and-a-half-minute runtime that doesn't show us something that we've already seen a dozen times in the past five years.
#8. A Potpourri of Secluded Magical Youths (X-Men, Harry Potter)
The trailer immediately establishes Camp Half-Blood by showing us an assortment of inconsistently gifted youngsters with various fantasy powers galloping around under the supervision of equally bizarre adults in some strange, wooded hideaway camp.