Just recently, Al Jazeera released a leaked government report on the days leading up to Osama bin Laden's surprise bullet party with SEAL Team 6, providing an illuminating look at how the terrorist leader stayed hidden for an entire decade. This 300+-page file reveals that bin Laden's methods of evading capture often amounted to cartoonish buffoonery coupled with blind luck, making him closer to George Bluth than Jason Bourne on the scale of fugitive masterminds. Here are some of his most nefarious tactics ...
#4. He Wore a Silly Hat to Avoid Satellite Detection
Today's babies are born into a world of economic uncertainty, political gridlock, and '90s-kid parents who think "Britney" is the correct spelling. Also, most disturbingly, parents love naming their babies after the shit they see on TV and forgetting that humans tend to stick around a lot longer than the average ratings sensation. That's why in about 20 years you'll see a lot of embarrassed adults with baffling names like ...
#5. Khaleesi (from Game of Thrones)
Just in case you're too cheap to get HBO, "khaleesi" means "queen" in the fictional language of the Dothraki from Game of Thrones. Despite being more of a title than a name, last year the word showed up on the birth certificates of 146 American baby girls whose parents apparently anticipate them to blossom into sexy dragon ladies who get nude a lot.
It's no secret that the citizens find it hard to feel anything beyond phantom intestinal discomfort when "government authority" mixes with "Internet stuff." And if the U.S. government's recent efforts to connect with the populace by expanding its social media presence are any indicator, Americans are about to feel a lot gassier.
#4. Police Departments Have Begun Live-Tweeting Patrols
"Tweet-alongs" are becoming a popular way for police officers around the country to show us what it's like to go out on patrol by sharing unsolicited case-related information with the entire world for absolutely no reason whatsoever. While this is an attractive initiative from a PR standpoint, it is perhaps not the most practical idea, because the police occasionally depend on everyone in the world not knowing exactly what they're doing at any particular moment.
"Was the rock thing in frame? Do you want me to loop back?"
Whenever a famous person turns crazy -- and we've pointed out that it can happen to even the most respected celebrities (you're next, Betty White) -- their fans will solemnly step back and say to their fallen idol, "We're not going to fawn over you until you get your shit together." Just kidding! They'll react by defending their absolutely indefensible celebrity hero, which leads to deranged overreactions such as these ...
#4. Paula Deen Fans Are Redefining Racism
As you may have heard, professional TV chef and walking parody of Southern values Paula Deen recently admitted to dropping the N-bomb and outright lamented the fact that we don't have singing and dancing slaves anymore. So yeah, she's either A) a racist or B) cursed with an undiagnosed mental condition where "Song of the South" plays on a loop in her brain 24/7.