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January 14, 2013

4 Reasons Pokemon Is the Scariest Alien Invasion Story Ever

By Jonathan Wojcik | 359,959 Views

The Pokemon world seems like a fun place to be, with all those friendly mutant animals willing to suffer for your entertainment. However, when we consider the evidence, Pokemon seems awfully similar to movies like The Thing and Invasion of the Body Snatchers, with a little of that black shit from Prometheus drizzled on top for good measure -- all of those adorable Pokemon could very well be mutated forms of the same alien organism, one that systematically assimilates and replaces normal life forms with horrific copies bent on taking over the world.

#4. Pokemon Imitate and Destroy Natural Species

The Pokemon world resembles Earth, except the ecosystem is crazy and horrible. Instead of several thousand species of jellyfish, for example, several thousand species of tentacool dominate the seas. A tentacool is similar to a jellyfish, only it has more superpowers than the entire Justice League, so any mild-mannered jellyfish that may have once existed were crushed into extinction long ago.


When "destroyed all jellyfish" is the first line of your resume, it doesn't really need to say anything else.

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January 13, 2013

4 Amazing Examples of Rock Stars Owning Obnoxious Fans

By Marco Caruso | 421,174 Views

If you've ever been to a concert, then you're surely familiar with "that guy": You know, a dude who attempts to steal attention away from the band that thousands of people paid money to see. "That guy" is a hooligan who somehow evades security and interrupts the show by jumping onstage or throwing commemorative bobbleheads at the band. However, there are occasions when fed-up rock stars decide to handle "that guy" on their own. Kind of like when ...

#4. Keith Richards Clobbers a Guy With Guitar, Keeps on Playing

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January 12, 2013

If Guillermo del Toro Had Said Yes to a 'Star Wars' Movie

By CRACKED Readers | 206,512 Views

It's been reported that famously trippy director Guillermo del Toro has added his name to the growing list of famous directors with no desire to lend their talents to the coming debacle (or maybe not) that is Disney's takeover and reboot of the Star Wars franchise.

While we could live with or without some of the other names that have been mentioned as possible candidates to give Star Wars some strange, we admit that GdT is one name we definitely would have loved to see in the credits. It looks like that won't happen now, so instead, we asked our readers to show us what it would have looked like if it did.

Here are eight scenes we would have seen in Guillermo del Toro's Star Wars.

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January 11, 2013

5 Hilariously Inept Attempts to Use Props in Congress

By Steve Shapiro | 233,862 Views

If there's one thing in politics that the American people agree on, it's that Congress sucks. Their approval rating hovers around 20 percent, giving them the same credibility as a dentist who doesn't recommend sugarless gum. However, C-SPAN deserves a lot of the blame. Despite having virtually no viewers, the network lets people see democracy at work, and these days democracy has taken a job as a failed prop comic with the speaking ability of a 10th grader. It's no surprise then that they give you acts with ...

#5. A Big Can of Campbell's Soup

C-SPAN, famous for its shows Murmuring in the Background and Special Subcommittee on Aging, is supposed to be commercial-free, but that didn't stop Representative Joe Crowley from going Andy Warhol on everyone. Responding to an attempt to repeal the Affordable Care Act, he compared the GOP plan to a diet of Campbell's soup, turning what should have been a passing joke by Bill Maher into an entire diatribe. In his speech, he somehow managed to sputter out "chicken noodle soup" more times than a vagabond auctioneer at a can swap and concluded by saying that while soup is "mmm-mmm good," the GOP plan is "mmm-mmm bad." If you take out the occasional peppering of words like "Affordable Care Act," you're left with nothing more than a full-fledged endorsement of Campbell's.

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If Warhol's love of amphetamines had inspired Joe more than the soup painting, it would have been a better speech.