The memo is an important tool for any employer -- how else does one tell the interns to clean the wild badgers out of the break room? The problem is that the bigger the company, the more disconnected from reality the higher-up penning the memo is, and the more the outside world regards your management less as actual human beings and more as the praetorian guards of Candyland.
#4. Walmart Tells Managers What to Think About Unions
It probably won't surprise you to learn that Walmart isn't a big fan of unions, since treating employees like dog turds is apparently part of the company's motto by now. And while it's still illegal to outright forbid people from unionizing, leaked documents reveal that Walmart gets around that little detail by teaching its managers how to make unions sound super lame. For instance, if you're a manager and someone asks your opinion on the matter, here it is. This is your opinion:
"You can speak for yourself, as long as you use our words."
Besides serving as a brilliant case study for the evolution of 1990s hairstyles, The X-Files taught an entire generation that Occam's razor -- the simplest explanation for strange phenomena is usually the correct one -- is boring and stupid and completely wrong. No, the superior explanation is always 44 minutes of aliens and Sasquatches.
That same lesson applies to these four recent news stories, which are all so bizarre that even the Gillian Andersonest of Gillian Andersons would have a tough time denying the involvement of interstellar poltergeists.
#4. The Mars Rover Found a Mystery Rock (That Wasn't There Before)
As far as exciting discoveries go, Mars has been kind of a wet noodle -- the Opportunity rover has found no signs of ancient teleportation arks, atmospheric reactors, or dead John Carters. Just as it seemed we were all about to stop pretending we cared about any of Opportunity's billion-dollar photographs of orange dirt, it sent back this picture:
Big deal, it's a shiny rock. We've got those here on Earth. Now, look at a photo taken of the same area 12 days earlier:
Most days, major organizations both public and private hire a small battalion of copy editors and proofreaders to ensure that the words they're lobbing out in public aren't an Encyclopedia Britannica's worth of F-bombs sneaked in by a hungover intern.
And on other, rarer days, that intern is so exquisitely shit-hammered on Wild Irish Rose that he accidentally shows up to work on a Saturday and runs the entire place unsupervised. That's the only explanation we got for these gaffes:
#4. Marines Tweet Advises Not to Be "Lone Shooter" on MLK Jr. Day
Right before Martin Luther King Jr. Day, the helpful soul running the Marine Corps Special Operations Command's Twitter account posted the following tweet endorsing firearm safety and friendship. It did not go over well.
The Internet is a tool that allows us limitless access to information -- most of which is apparently created by bored assholes committed to making our species stupider. This applies to both fan-fiction forums and the biggest news websites in the world.
#4. China Doesn't Fight Smog With Televised Sunrises
Here's another shocking picture you probably saw on Facebook that made you think, "What's this world coming to?" Then you resumed stalking your ex.
Ironically, all that smog is produced by giant screens showing sunsets.