Hey, everyone who just refuses to let the 1990s go, a Full House revival is once again in talks, but this time, it might actually happen! Original executive producers Jeff Franklin and Bob Boyett -- as well as a number of original cast members -- are all on board to mine your nostalgia for dollar signs.
But according to actor Blake Tuomy-Wilhoit, who played one of Uncle Jesse's mutant twin children and was not invited to participate in the reunion, "As far as I know, the new show is not a [Full House reunion] ... it will revolve around a few characters from the show though." Adding even more fuel to this speculative fire is the fact that John Stamos, Dave Coulier, and Bob Saget have been making an unusual number of public appearances together. This seems to suggest that the new series will be about three old men living together in San Francisco, which is less of a sitcom and more of an excerpt from a census report.
We have a better idea: just gather up the former stars of Full House, lock them all in that same townhouse, and then film this grand guignol a la The Real World. A Full House reality show reunion would be the most balls-out, shit-flingingest television show in history, because ...
#4. The Kids Will Probably Kill Each Other
The two actresses who played the eldest Tanner girls have gone in staggeringly different directions with their lives: Jodie Sweetin spent her adulthood in and out of rehab for a kaleidoscope of rampaging addictions, whereas Candace Cameron Bure has become an evangelical Christian. Suddenly, the prospect of watching them argue over having to share a room is 10 times more dramatic than it ever was when Full House was on the air, because now D.J. can scream at Stephanie about the time she got blackout drunk at D.J.'s wedding.
Warner Bros. Television Distribution
"How rude," indeed.
As the old saying goes, heavy is the hand that wields the lightsaber, and "heavy-handed" is certainly one of the more polite ways to describe the recent works of George Lucas. While plenty of artists have faded into obscurity after achieving acclaim, Lucas has taken the unusual Biblical approach to his career, giving birth to a golden calf before plunging it into the hellfire and forcing everyone to swallow the ashes.
Or maybe not that unusual: the head of another magical franchise appears to be in danger of following in Lucas' deranged footsteps. If J.K. Rowling isn't careful, she may also soon find herself with fans and evil media empires alike beating down her door begging her to hand off the series, because ...
#4. She Makes Up Trivia When She Gets Bored
Lucas' greatest sin was exhuming the corpse of his beloved trilogy decades after it achieved perfection in the eyes of fans and adding a bunch of stupid bullshit no one wanted. You can no longer even get the original cuts in any kind of format you can play in your home if you haven't spent the last 30 years living in a bomb shelter.
"Han shooting first? Now that's a moment I've not seen in a long time ..."
So you're thinking about going to Mars? You're certainly not alone -- we've been talking about going there since the first men landed on the Moon and the whole world shouted "Again!" It would solve so many of our problems: overpopulation, resource scarcity, your buddy's incessant demands to know where the green women at, etc. Hell, if Matthew McConaughey can do it, you better believe you can too. Why don't we do this thing already?
So many reasons!
#4. We Still Don't Know How to Land on Mars
So, first problem, and it's kind of a big one: we can't actually land on Mars. "Sure we can," we hear you say, with the bluster of someone who gets their science news from a comedy website. "We've got rovers and shit down there!" Yeah, but landing a small robot isn't the same as landing a bunch of humans and a bunch of gear to make sure the humans don't die. Basically, the problem is that the atmosphere on Mars is way too thin to inflate the parachutes we would need to safely land anything heavier than Wall-E. That's why NASA has been doing so many parachute tests -- you know, like this one:
Or this one:
Facebook has officially debuted a "satire" tag to clearly mark fictitious headlines that show up in your feed, and people are reacting as if the harlequin personification of fun itself has been taken out behind the shed and beaten to death with rakes.
This tag's raised all kinds of philosophical questions, such as "Where does our responsibility as a society to protect people from their own stupidity end and their responsibility to not believe that Kim Jong-un was voted sexiest man alive begin?" And "Won't spelling things out in small words make people even dumber?" Or even "Doesn't labeling satire defeat the purpose of satire?"
We feel that the satire tag is not only necessary but a potential boon for all mankind. Because ...
#4. The Onion Isn't the Only Place That Runs Fake News
There are entire websites devoted to making fun of people who mistake articles by The Onion and Clickhole for unvarnished pieces of actual journalism, and rightfully so. If your immediate reaction to an article about the supernatural powers of Adam Sandler is to reach for the share button with grim, stone-faced purpose, you deserve to be laughed at.
To be fair, every trailer for a Sandler movie is predicting a horrible tragedy.