Thanksgiving is around the corner, and large swaths of the United States are hunkering down for terrible dinners. But no matter how badly your harvest potluck ends up, trust that it will be nowhere as bad as the following meals prepared by Cracked writer/Martha Stewart of the damned Evan Symon.
With the season of culinary excess upon us, we asked Evan to once again subject his intestines to real (and disgusting) vintage recipes from the 1940s to the 1970s. Behold his toilet cornucopia!
#6. Super Supper Salad Loaf
In the 1940s, the United States was rationing for the war effort, leaving the home front with a limited supply of foodstuffs to cobble together into recipes. Now, imagine you are a G.I. on Christmas leave. After island-hopping around the Pacific for the last year, you arrive home, only to have this waiting for you:
"I escaped a POW camp for this?"
Depending on whom you ask, Interstellar is a [genius/horrible] film from an [acclaimed/overrated] director who [is the next/could never live up to] Stanley Kubrick. For someone who basically just adapts his dream journal into silly action films, Christopher Nolan is one of the most polarizing and over-analyzed directors of the decade.
It's almost as if the idea of a big-budget sci-fi blockbuster that actually explores science fiction (and not the tensile strength of giant CGI robots) has thrown us all off, and we have no idea how to react to it. The bizarre result is that, no matter what genre of movie Nolan puts out, the Internet goes Joker-level crazy over it in the same exact ways.
#5. Every Critic Immediately Transforms Into a Terrible Version of Cracked
Look, we get it -- Cracked's charming nitpicky movie lists are a fun format blanket for critics to slip into, like Luke warming himself in a tauntaun (which, incidentally, according to Newton's law of cooling, wouldn't actually work). Every time Nolan releases a marginally thought-provoking movie (he tends to present a bunch of ideas without ever actually exploring them to a satisfying degree), everyone feels the need to prove how much smarter they are than the material, like a group of teenagers acting tough in a haunted house. The result is a cascade of "plot hole" lists so nitpicky that even we take issue.
An Inception of nitpicking if you will.
Jon Stewart recently compared sites like BuzzFeed to carnival barkers drawing a crowd -- "You Won't Believe What Happened Next" is the hairless cat passed off as a chupacabra of the 21st century, basically. BuzzFeed adamantly denied this, saying that clickbait doesn't work when the thing you're being baited for is a lie. We have to agree, because as demonstrated when BuzzFeed and others "reported" non-stories like a killer asking Siri where to hide a body, a dirty brothel menu, and the upcoming Space Jam 2 ... clickbait doesn't matter when everyone is reporting bullshit to begin with.
To help, here's yet another part in our long-standing B.S. series for your incredulous enjoyment.
#6. A Study Didn't Prove That Smoking Weed Shrinks Your Brain
Now that we've successfully lured all the pot smokers to the northwest where they belong, it appears the war on marijuana can finally end. Or, failing that, at least the war on really stupid news stories about the effects of weed. Right?
That's just, like, your
opinion lies, man.
Pumpkin spice-flavored everything has become such an "outrageous" pop culture staple that we could create an entire list solely made up of other rubber-stamped lists about "crazy pumpkin-flavored products" (like this, this, this, this, this, and this). And yet, the trend doesn't appear to be tapering off. Why is that?
Obviously, it's time for someone to carve the lid off this once and for all. So sit back and allow us to take you down the festive-smelling rabbit hole ...
#3. Pumpkin Is a Made-Up Flavor (That Has Nothing to Do With Pumpkins)
True story: pumpkins actually taste like nature's cardboard -- a collection of seeds and mucus wrapped in an impossible shell of inedible sadness. Once a year we carve them to look like fear, but other than that there's basically no reason for them to exist.
Melty-faced Stallone-o'-lantern wholeheartedly agrees.