The people who appear in movie posters inhabit a strange alternate reality even more fantastic than the movies themselves -- a place where the basic rules of space and common sense aren't so much "different" as "nonexistent." It's easy to overlook how ridiculous these posters are when you're just glancing at them, trying to decide which movie will make you hate yourself less for spending $8 to see it, but once you start paying attention, you can't help but notice things like ...
#5. Stalingrad Takes Russian Indifference to the Extreme
Action movies have conditioned us to associate an actor's indifference toward devastating destruction with badassedness, rather than, you know, being a soulless shell of a human being. Combine this trend with the Russian people's legendary inability to give a single shit and the result is the poster for Stalingrad, in which a giant plane is set to crash just above the scene and not one of the eight actors is even looking at it. Some men just don't care to watch the world burn.
"Highest grossing" doesn't include shirtless Putin horse videos.
Sure, Hollywood films look all silky and smooth when they're edited and CGI-ed and the cameras are actually facing the actors, but even the most multimillion dollar of blockbusters look absolutely crazy when they're being cobbled together in meatspace. Here are some recent examples:
#4. Transformers 4 Is Michael Bay's Own Private Torture Chamber
The Transformers films continually turn a profit because each movie is two hours of white noise and exploding tinsel. They tap into that primordial corner of the human brain with such ferocity that audiences don't even give a shit if they end up gazing slack-jawed at Shia LaBeouf's meerkat sneer for three hours.
But underneath that barrage of crackling crapola are the antics of maybe the happiest man in Hollywood: Michael Bay. Now, throughout his career, Bay has gotten a ton of shit from everybody with eyes, but it's a bit more difficult to hate the guy when you see him levitating an Audi full of concerned actors while crazy-eyed, humping the air, and dressed like Doc Brown:
"I'm wearing white to enjoy the splatter."
In a move that will surprise absolutely no one, Lionsgate has announced plans to reboot the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers with what will no doubt be an origin movie preceding two other films, followed by a second reboot trilogy.
As anyone who has watched the Frankensteined first season of the original Power Rangers can tell you, the story is at best "unintelligible" and at worst "the deathbed ramblings of an LSD test subject." Attempting to adapt even a fraction of that mescaline-laced rubber-suited pop-up book into a cohesive modern action film will be nothing short of a hero's trial.
#4. The Training Montage Was Suspiciously Nonexistent
No superhero origin is complete without spending 45 minutes watching the lead characters struggle to embrace their cosmic new abilities with a joyous amount of wry chuckle-fishing slapstick.
However, the first episode of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers knew this was a heaping mountain of time-wasting moon shit that could be better spent selling action figures to children, so they completely skipped over it. The Power Rangers go from angsty teens to karate-helmet robot dinosaur lords in an afternoon.
"But I don't even know martial arts like Jason or Trini."
"We've seen you playing Street Fighter at the juice bar. That's good enough."
Now that the word "remake" has been remade into the word "reboot," it appears that every Hollywood executive is having the same recurring dream where males 18 to 21 suddenly forget why Superman is super. This is why every new reboot mandatorily becomes one long training montage.
And while it might be interesting to relive why RoboCop is robo, this weirdness has begun to bleed into stories that never had an origin to begin with. Not because no one got around to it, but rather because no one actually gave a shit until now.
#6. A Live-Action Rescue Rangers Origin Film Written by a Condom Commercial Director
Anyone in their late 20s fondly remembers Rescue Rangers as that TV show turned Nintendo game in which you could pick up and throw the other player across the stage just to be a dick. And so, when it came time for Disney to make the inevitable Alvin and the Chipmunks-esque live-action childhood sucker punch, the studios realized just how confused people would be if they didn't know exactly how the Rangers got those little Hawaiian shirts and bomber jackets.
"I got it from Tom Selleck. Please don't ask what I had to do."