Good news if you like crazy Nicolas Cage: You're probably about to see him at his absolute craziest in the reboot of the Left Behind series (whose previous biggest star was also-crazy Kirk Cameron). And this time it's not even (completely) his fault. The source material he's working with is, in technical terms, a disaster of biblical proportions. (Get it?)
#5. The Writers Are the Equivalent of Pat Robertson on Steroids
Before we even get into the madness of the Left Behind series, let's start with the engine that got it going, Reverend Tim LaHaye. This guy isn't just some hack fantasy writer coming out of nowhere; he's a CRAZY hack fantasy writer coming out of CRAZYTOWN. In the 1970s, the reverend and his wife wrote a whole book about how sex works, complete with worksheets to track your Kegel exercises.
Unfortunately, reading this book is the third leading cause of vaginismus.
As you may have heard, Marvel is about to put out a movie where one of the main characters is a talking, machine gun-toting space raccoon. That's how much money their interlocking mega-franchises have made: They can do whatever the fuck they want now. But why stop at space raccoons? Imagine Tarantino doing a Nick Fury movie. Wes Anderson on Spider-Man, once they get the rights back. Martin Scorsese's Howard the Duck reboot (starring Leo DiCaprio). Everything is possible.
Well, not really. We're sorry to inform you that Marvel Studios will never do anything particularly innovative or artistic. Now, there's nothing wrong with doing big dumb action movies, but don't get your hopes up for anything more than that, because ...
#4. The Plots Are Already Getting Repetitive
Here are some spoilers for pretty much every Marvel movie ever ... including the ones that haven't come out yet, because things are getting pretty predictable.
Remember how, in The Avengers, New York was invaded by aliens, and the superheroes joined together to defeat them, and it was unlike anything you'd ever seen in a movie? For comic book fans, that's Wednesday. By our estimation, the Marvel Comics Earth gets invaded by aliens about 367 times a year, and the movies are following suit. Only a year after The Avengers, we had another alien-invasion story in Thor 2.
"Oh, is it Tuesday already?"
After several weeks in theaters, the Bryan Cranston-tastic new Godzilla film has both critics and audiences praising the movie as the biggest beast-tackling slam dunk since Space Jam. And while we're in no position to tell all of those people that they're wrong, there's something about the reception of the new Godzilla that is incredibly puzzling: This movie is more or less exactly the same as the universally reviled Godzilla that was released to a fanfare of boos and ironic ticket sales in 1998.
No, seriously -- when you break it down on digital paper, the two movies are so bizarrely similar, it seems like the producers of the new film decided to make a $200 million homage to one of the most infamously terrible blockbusters of all time.
#4. It Has Ridiculous Plot Elements
The plot of 1998's Godzilla saw the U.S. military using Godzilla's unstoppable attraction to fish in order to lure him into a trap that they inexplicably set in the middle of a major population center and a small group of individuals discovering and destroying a nest of atomic monster eggs with the potential to wipe out the human race. Those characters are consequently singled out by the atomic monster who laid those eggs (Godzilla), because laying hundreds of golf-cart-size eggs is quite literally a pain in the ass.
The plot of 2014's Godzilla sees the military using the giant monsters' unstoppable attraction to radiation in order to lure them into a trap that inexplicably draws them right through the middle of a major population center and a single individual who finds and destroys a nest of atomic monster eggs with the potential to wipe out the human race. That character is consequently singled out by the atomic monster who laid those eggs, because holy shit, this is literally the exact same plot as the previous movie.
Admittedly, "plot" may be a bit strong of a word when describing these movies.
The soccer-fanatic nation of Brazil is hosting the World Cup, starting on June 12, and as you may have heard, the preparations aren't going so great. Millions of Brazilians have been protesting in the streets for more than a year over the superfluous spending on stadiums that'll be abandoned and probably turned into shantytowns two weeks after the games.
The government's solution? Spend even more money coming up with sci-fi-looking measures to curb the protests. The results look like some Hollywood madman took the World Cup and gave it a gritty reboot set in a dystopian future -- one where people care enough about soccer to pull stuff like this:
#4. Rio's New Police Officers Are Modeled After RoboCop and Darth Vader
If there's anything that resonates with the World Cup spirit, it's hundreds and hundreds of cheering, excitable, weirdly dressed ... RoboCop-styled policemen.
Yasuyoshi Chiba/AFP/Getty Images
"Dead or alive, you're sambaing with me."