This year Cracked sent a team of journalists, including me, to the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. For the uninitiated: CES is where the world's major gadget-makers come to show off the phones, televisions, vehicles, audio equipment, and "smart" devices they plan to sell over the next year. CES is a great place to get a sneak peek at the future, but it's also the world's largest repository of useless bullshit technology no one ever asked for. If you want to know what stupid, stupid ideas the tech industry plans to sell us in the future, you've got to go to CES.
We've put together a list of the terrible tech trends you can look forward to in 2015. Don't say we didn't warn you when companies start ...
#4. Weighing Useful Products Down With Bullshit Technology
Y'know what sucks about dogs? No, not the fact that they sometimes get into the garbage, poop on your floor, and die more frequently than NBC sitcoms. The problem with dogs is that they get lost sometimes, and very few of them speak English well enough to hail a cab. That's why we've invented a galaxy of GPS-enabled dog collars, wonderfully useful products that have saved countless pet owners untold stress and pain.
Motorola took one look at this successful, practical product category and said, "Well sure, but wouldn't it be better if we just gave every dog its own smartphone?"
No, I'm not joking. The below product is Motorola's Scout 500, and it's a digital dog collar. The PR person who tried to sell it to us described it as "a smartphone for dogs." It comes with a camera (so you can watch the world through your dog's eyes, but in color), a GPS app, and -- most terrifyingly -- a speaker, so you can yell at your dog from a great distance.
YOU: Hey boy! How's it going?
YOUR DOG: Woof! (Translation: MASTER WHY MUST YOU SCREAM FROM ACROSS THE VOID MY LIFE IS FEAR)
There used to be a time when celebrities had a human wall of assistants, publicists, and literal wall-fillers who had no other job than to buffer their clients from the world. But then Twitter happened, and now no publicist in the universe can stop a drunk, bored, attention-starved human from exorcising their dumbest thought-demons at the click of a button. Which is why we're seeing some great comedy coming from non-comedians on Twitter.
#5. Football Player Can't Stop Being a Creep
"Man's got to have principles ... shitty ones, but still ..."
The X-Files ruined an entire generation: they made us think conspiracy theorists are sexy, tormented truth crusaders, as opposed to bored message board dwellers with cartoon pony avatars. Fortunately, every once in a while they'll come up with a theory so perfectly stupid that we just have to drop whatever we're doing and tell you about it. Here are five recent paranoid fantasies that would make Fox Mulder laugh his ass off while slowly backing away from whoever spouted them.
#5. "Apple Pay Is the Mark of the Beast!"
Over the last decade, Apple has acquired a legion of new followers, a success that many place on their clever marketing, innovative products, and not being Microsoft. Others argue that it's only because Lucifer has bewitched our minds and rendered us unable to buy anything not available on iTunes. The evidence of this satanic pact? The fact that the Apple Watch and Apple Pay were totally predicted by the Bible.
And then Christ did say, "Not another freaking iOS update, I just did one last week." (Giuseppe 17:6)
Humans have been doling out orgasms for hundreds of thousands of years, so you'd think we'd have that shit down pat by now. Yet every day, some sextrepreneur introduces a new gizmo that will supposedly reinvent fucking, because clearly that's a subject we haven't given enough thought to already. Although there's nothing wrong with using a toy to get your rocks off, every now and then, one pulses and throbs onto the market that is so inherently wrong on every level that its creator must be an alien trying to get our species to go extinct.
Or at least, that's how we rationalize the existence of some deeply unsexy new adult products, such as ...
#4. The Glov: An Automatic Wearable Dildo for the Extremely Lazy
The independent career woman of today probably has no time for things like changing diapers, cooking sandwiches, or wanking by herself. That's why a man by the name of Steve Scrase has taken it upon himself to make female masturbation easier and more convenient with The Glov, a self-stimulation sex toy designed for chicks who are so lazy that they can't even be bothered to put the proper vowels at the end of words.
The Glov is, by all appearances, a completely normal hand garment:
If you're about to undergo a hardcore '80s dance-off, we mean.