The X-Files ruined an entire generation: they made us think conspiracy theorists are sexy, tormented truth crusaders, as opposed to bored message board dwellers with cartoon pony avatars. Fortunately, every once in a while they'll come up with a theory so perfectly stupid that we just have to drop whatever we're doing and tell you about it. Here are five recent paranoid fantasies that would make Fox Mulder laugh his ass off while slowly backing away from whoever spouted them.
#5. "Apple Pay Is the Mark of the Beast!"
Over the last decade, Apple has acquired a legion of new followers, a success that many place on their clever marketing, innovative products, and not being Microsoft. Others argue that it's only because Lucifer has bewitched our minds and rendered us unable to buy anything not available on iTunes. The evidence of this satanic pact? The fact that the Apple Watch and Apple Pay were totally predicted by the Bible.
And then Christ did say, "Not another freaking iOS update, I just did one last week." (Giuseppe 17:6)
Humans have been doling out orgasms for hundreds of thousands of years, so you'd think we'd have that shit down pat by now. Yet every day, some sextrepreneur introduces a new gizmo that will supposedly reinvent fucking, because clearly that's a subject we haven't given enough thought to already. Although there's nothing wrong with using a toy to get your rocks off, every now and then, one pulses and throbs onto the market that is so inherently wrong on every level that its creator must be an alien trying to get our species to go extinct.
Or at least, that's how we rationalize the existence of some deeply unsexy new adult products, such as ...
#4. The Glov: An Automatic Wearable Dildo for the Extremely Lazy
The independent career woman of today probably has no time for things like changing diapers, cooking sandwiches, or wanking by herself. That's why a man by the name of Steve Scrase has taken it upon himself to make female masturbation easier and more convenient with The Glov, a self-stimulation sex toy designed for chicks who are so lazy that they can't even be bothered to put the proper vowels at the end of words.
The Glov is, by all appearances, a completely normal hand garment:
If you're about to undergo a hardcore '80s dance-off, we mean.
If there's one thing Hollywood loves, it's doing the exact same thing over and over again until there is no more blood to be wrenched from a particular stone (such as the upcoming glut of superhero films, and the fact that all movie trailers are orange and blue now). So let's take a look at the upcoming year Tinseltown has in store for us so we can see what we'll all be tired of by this time next year.
#5. Every Network Will Have Its Own Subscription Streaming App
We're guessing that your current television-watching outlets consist of Netflix, Hulu, maybe a friend's HBO Go password, and possibly Amazon Prime, because who can afford to miss even one second of Alpha House? That's four different services, and it still doesn't give you access to every show on TV. Still, subscribing to a handful of different services is better than paying for cable and having to sit through commercials, right? Well get ready to double that number, because next year, every major studio and their grandmother is going to be putting out their own streaming site.
For starters, HBO is finally going to release a standalone subscription service right around the time when the new season of Game of Thrones starts (we assume they're going to abandon all pretense and just call it the "Watch Game of Thrones Without Getting a Virus from a Racist's Bit Torrent" app). Also throwing their million dollar hats into the streaming service arena are CBS, Starz, and Lionsgate, so now you can have a streaming service dedicated entirely to the Hunger Games movies and films starring professional wrestlers.
And that cross-over they did.
For most of us, the most dire homeowner problems we'll ever tackle will be leaky plumbing, toxic mold growths, and wacky neighbors who barge in to ask for cheese. But for the people on this list, no homeowner's insurance is ever going to cover the shit that is trying to drag them to Hell itself as we speak.
#4. Hundreds of Snakes and Thousands of Spiders Overrun Homes
Every now and then, you end up living in a witch's cauldron and you don't even know it. For no apparent reason, two of humanities greatest fears infested two different homes. Twice, in one case.
In Regina, Canada, one family, which has asked to remain anonymous so that friends and family will still visit them (seriously), keeps finding hundreds of garter snakes in their house. While it's true that garter snakes are harmless, the longest one measured nearly one meter ... and there were 102 of them. One month later, an additional 119 were removed from the house, and more remain at large. The choice to avoid warning their friends and family about their snake problem? Kind of a dick move.
Pictured: harmless (no, really)