Remember, each of us is walking on the remains (and ghosts!) of billions of formerly living things right now. (Plankton ghosts!) That's just the circle of life, and we should all be glad that we don't have to swim through the rotting corpses of our ancestors just to get to work every day. That said, it's easy to forget that our planet has a few mysteries up its subterranean sleeves that it's ready to pull out when we least expect it.
#4. Schools Keep Finding Mass Graves
The bigwigs at University of Mississippi Medical Center were getting ready to start building a new parking lot when some tests (and presumably local fortune tellers) delivered a nasty surprise: The ground under the future lot held something like 1,000 dead bodies. The deceased are believed to be former inmates of the long-gone Mississippi State Lunatic Asylum, because sometimes B-horror movies get things right.
It's unclear whether officials balked at the estimated $3 million required to rebury the bodies or if Ole Miss Movie Night had recently screened Poltergeist, but the school eventually decided to relocate the parking garage to next to the dental school ... which may contain bodies of former slaves and Civil War soldiers.
-- and slowly the camera pans away to reveal that all of Mississippi is actually a burial ground.
No one likes a jerk, everyone loves schadenfreude, and it's really satisfying when those two things dovetail into a steaming pile of karmic justice. So sit back, relax, and behold some recent situations where dickheads got the same crap they feed everyone else shoveled back to them.
#4. Politician Who Campaigned for Internet Censorship Has Site Censored
In most of the free world, you can look at all the porn you want, whenever you want. (In fact, some of you are reading this while you wait for your porn to load.) But in the U.K., recent laws require all Internet service providers to put in a smut filter, turned on by default, thanks to the efforts of a group of concerned politicians who bugged everyone about this for years. Politicians like conservative Member of Parliament Claire Perry, whose own website was immediately blocked as soon as the porn filters were turned on.
Look at all that bush. Disgusting.
Hey, the Academy Awards are tonight! So while the planet waits with bated breath to see if Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa will walk away with the highest cinematic achievement in all the land, we're bringing you the unofficial list of Oscars the Academy doles out year after year ... without even realizing it.
#5. Best Newcomer With a Slightly More Complex Than Usual Name Who Will Lose and Then Disappear Forever
2014's Winner: Barkhad Abdi (Captain Phillips)
Every year, the Oscars give us fresh-faced underdogs to root for, only to yank the red carpet out from under them so hard that they blast off out of the atmosphere and into a nearby black hole for the rest of eternity. This is tragic, but it's not as tragic as the fact that America will go to any length to not pronounce a word with vowel and consonant combinations outside of their comfort zone. Think of the accolades that would've been showered upon these nominees had they been named Jen Butt or Dee Ugh or Roy Burp.
Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"Sorry, but we need to save Chiwetel Ejiofor for a superhero franchise later."
Past Winners: Quvenzhane Wallis, Hailee Steinfeld, Gabourey Sidibe, Saoirse Ronan, Abigail Breslin, Catalina Sandino Moreno
Laws are tricky, because they're all a matter of phrasing. Ideally, they protect us from our fellow citizens by using the least restrictive language possible so as not to impede anyone's rights. But sometimes we err too much on the side of caution and end up leaving loopholes big enough to drive a monster truck through.
#5. You Can Totally Stuff a Dead Body With Newspaper
When the family of the late Kendrick Johnson ordered a second autopsy to try to get to the bottom of his mysterious death, they discovered that the funeral home had removed most of his organs and stuffed his body with newspaper, because apparently they were planning on using him as a Halloween decoration. Had they waited another month or two to call for the second autopsy, Kendrick's body might well have been filled with candy.
Which would still taste better than candy corn.