Apart from promising a solid two minutes of flashing neon laser ship battles and Channing Tatum flipping around like a meth angel trapeze cat, the trailer for the upcoming Wachowski apology letter Jupiter Ascending doesn't make any effort to tell us what the movie is going to be about. Strobe lights and impossible acrobatics are a staple of every Wachowski film and could guarantee anything from a game-changing science fiction opera to bald Natalie Portman or Hugh Grant in tribal makeup. So the question on everyone's mind is: WILL IT BE TERRIBLE?
#4. The Action: The Matrix, but Not The Matrix Revolutions
One of the most egregious betrayals of The Matrix Revolutions was pushing aside the wire stunts and Bullet Time camera rigs of the original film in favor of digital doubles pinwheeling through the air like George Lucas' traveling circus.
While there's no absolute guarantee that Jupiter Ascending won't ride the same CGI Hindenburg into oblivion, both Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum have mentioned the production's extensive use of wire stunts -- meaning that while we're still going to get emotionless sex puppets doing air ballet in slow motion, we can at least be assured that they will be human emotionless sex puppets and not CGI constructs.
They're even letting Channing use his real ears in this.
Everyone get your markers out: It's once again time to weed through your Facebook feed to furiously black out yet another week's worth of sloppy and gullible news reporting. Better use dry erase, because this bullshit avalanche show no signs of stopping, and monitors are kind of expensive.
#4. No, Yellowstone Animals Aren't Escaping from a Supervolcano
In a cruel twist of fate, it appears that the end times will come in the form of a terrible Roland Emmerich action sequence. How do we know that? Because the animals are telling us:
Apparently volcanoes spew bullshit instead of lava now.
Earlier this month, a study from the Cornell University Food and Brand Lab (more specifically, the department of tricking-you-into-buying-shit-ology) revealed the dark secret behind cereal boxes: Companies purposefully have their mascots' eyes tilted downward in order to make eye contact with children walking down grocery store aisles, essentially hypnotizing them into begging Mommy for their product.
But that can't be true, right? Surely if there was some vast cereal mascot conspiracy, we would have noticed by now. We at Cracked decided to look into this important matter and found out that this plot runs way deeper than everyone thought ...
#3. It's Not Just Cereal Boxes
Once you know about the "all mascots are looking down" trick, it's impossible to unsee it. It's everywhere, hiding in plain sight. And the most glaringly obvious offender? Fucking Lucky Charms.
"They can't keep us apart ..."
Over the past few weeks, several major fast food chains have introduced new and visually disgusting additions to their morning menus, prompting what experts are calling the "breakfast wars." Why? Because apparently there is $10 billion to be made off of Americans who can't crack their own eggs in the morning.
Clearly, we had to see what the fuss was about, so we sent one lucky researcher to find out which is the least of three evils: the stalwart (McDonald's Egg White Delight McMuffin), the faux elite (Starbucks Bacon and Gouda Sandwich), or the crazy-eyed, shit-stained new kid (Taco Bell Sausage Waffle Taco)? Remember, whoever wins, society loses.
#1. Which Breakfast Is Ugliest?
If you've started your day by shouting about food out a car window, you're not expecting the "Mona Lisa" on a plate. I get that. But at some point, you've got to ask yourself this hard question: "How revolting is the food I'm wolfing down as I drive this vehicle to work?"
McDonald's Egg White Delight McMuffin
At first glance, the Egg White Delight McMuffin looks like McDonald's is making a solid effort at offering healthy breakfast food. Sure, there's bacon involved, but it's Canadian, so it's healthier. It's not until you look closer that you realize those egg whites look like someone fried up some Elmer's Glue and stuck it in a bun.
"Technically, we're still being honest about not using horse meat."
Take it apart and each new layer looks like a different stage of human decomposition.
"I am become death. Destroyer of stomach linings."