Our legal system may not be perfect, but anyone can tell that an extreme amount of effort has gone into trying to cover every possible scenario we may throw at it -- there's a 10-tome treatise somewhere about how the court should react should a defendant pull down his pants and deliver testimony with his butthole. However, here's one thing our best legal minds never saw coming: dumb people posting dumb stuff on Facebook.
Yep, somewhere between all the pointless tweaks and upgrades, Mark Zuckerberg apparently added "throwing a wrench into real-life court cases" as a new Facebook feature. Here are some people who are already making use of it.
#4. Plaintiff Turns Down Judge's Friend Request, Loses Case
In Florida (of course), Judge Linda Schoonover was presiding over a divorce case when, somewhere between all the talk of marital problems and broken dreams, she decided that the wife sounded really fun. Presumably envisioning wild nights on the town and Real Housewives marathons in sweatpants, Schoonover sent the woman a friend request on Facebook. Schoonover's potential BFF, however, didn't accept the request ... and subsequently ended up saddled with the majority of the marital debt and absurd alimony payments to her ex-husband.
"How the hell else was I going to unlock all those Candy Crush levels?"
When describing our everyday problems using similes and metaphors, most people have the decency to avoid comparing the inconvenience presented by, say, "My roommate ate the last fucking Hot Pocket" to the struggles and deeds of Gandhi or Desmond Tutu.
The following people are not most people, but their comparisons were so moronically odious that they make a strong case for revoking all of humanity's poetic license, just to make sure nothing as mind-meltingly stupid is ever uttered again.
#4. Paula Deen Compares Herself to Michael Sam
At this point, the best recipe for Paula Deen's reacceptance into the public is a liberal mix of time and shutting the fuck up. While that might have paid off, the famously racist chef recently decided to not only undercook her humble pie, but also drop trou and lay on a whipped cream steamer in the form of this headline:
"That's right. Maybe it's all of you who are ignorant."
You know those scenes in movies when a car just lightly bumps into something and instantly bursts into flames? (Of course you do, they're the reason cinema was invented.) This sort of unassuming carnage never happens in real life ... and by "never" we mean "several times in the past few months alone, somehow." Here are four people whose lives suddenly turned into a stunt from a ridiculous Die Hard sequel.
#4. Shed Blows Up ... Because of Cow Farts
Cow farts are serious business. These delicate grass munchers are believed to emit up to 500 liters of methane gas every single day. But, besides making entire meadows smell like college dorm rooms on taco night, what can that do? Plenty, it turns out: In January, a cow shed in the German town of Rasdorf filled with so much methane gas from all of the burping and farting cows that, when a static electric charge came in contact with the noxious fumes of the bodacious bovines, the place exploded into giant flashes of smelly flames.
"Sweet, I can let 'em rip and no one will notice." -every single person in this picture
We are currently in a golden age of television, with popular shows like Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones enjoying more fan devotion than most big-budget movies could ever dream of (in fairness, "middle-aged drug dealer" doesn't exactly scream "box office champion").
Unfortunately, some of us obsess over these shows a little too much, resulting in bizarre trends that seem to indicate that people become less able to tell the difference between fiction and reality after an entire weekend of binge-watching serialized dramas on Netflix.
#4. Breaking Bad Is Getting People Hooked on Blue Meth
Recently, trend-savvy meth barons in New Mexico have begun selling blue-tinted crystals in the Four Corners region, just like murderous television antihero Walter White from Breaking Bad. Because if drug dealing can't be fun, then what's the point?
However, despite the added impulse-buy factor of tying the product in with a popular TV show, it turns out that smoking blue meth is actually really bad for you. The chemicals in the blue dye are extremely harmful, which is a knowledge bomb that caught the normally health-conscious community of toxin-peddling meth addicts completely off guard.
"We need to start labeling this shit. I need to know what's going in my temple."