Sometimes, liking a status on Facebook just isn't enough. There comes a time in life when you have to get off your ass and show the world you're really serious about a cause by taking decisive action, a phrase here meaning "signing an online petition." However, when making your voice heard by anonymously signing an Internet petition, it's good to make sure your goal has a minimum shot of actually happening, unlike the following inexplicably popular petitions that have exactly zero chance of being ratified:
#5. "Bring Back a Walking Dead Character Who Was Shot in the Head" (61,500 Signatures)
Wanting a character to come back to a TV or comic book series is hardly uncommon; let he who didn't write to ABC demanding the return of Cousin Cody to Step by Step cast the first stone. So, after a popular character was written off of a particular AMC show, it's not surprising that more than 61,500 people signed a petition letting the producers know they want her face back on their TVs. There's just one tiny problem: the show in question is The Walking Dead, which tends to say goodbye to characters in rather ... definitive ways. Spoilers ahead!
Our petition to bring back the guy who got tied to the tree in Season 1 is currently at as many signatures.
Lately we've been taking time out from explaining how big-budget CGI movies can eat fistfuls of penises to tell you about some smaller upcoming films that are way more deserving of your attention. So while you're waiting for the new Fantastic Four movie to thoroughly and supremely disappoint, here are some smaller films you've never heard of that should help soften the blow by actually being worth watching.
#6. Big Game: Die Hard Meets Goonies Meets Air Force One
Close your eyes. Now picture the entire first act of the movie Air Force One (this shouldn't be difficult). Fast-forward to the scene where President Marshall is stuffed in the ejection pod, only to Houdini his way into the aerial murder spree that becomes the rest of the film. Remember that? Now picture a universe where he actually takes the pod to safety, only to find himself in a Finnish forest surrounded by rocket-wielding terrorists, and his only means of escape is with the help of a plucky youngster armed with a bow and arrow.
Now imagine that the president is played by Samuel L. Jackson.
Altitude Film Entertainment
Seriously, how is this the first time he's played the president? Or been the president?
While the poster for Big Game alone is enough for any sane patriot to brick their shorts, the film also comes with a ball-hammering trailer featuring a Die Hard villain, more destruction than you can shake your wallet at, and some kind of gambit involving constantly trying to rodeo a helicopter crate.
Altitude Film Entertainment
The crate contains Marsellus Wallace's soul.
We'd say it's going to be a callback to the action cliches of the '90s, but considering the film's writer-director is best known for a gritty horror film about capturing Santa Claus, all bets are off with this one ... unless you're betting that the film contains a missile-weaving skydiving scene, which it totally does.
Altitude Film Entertainment
Jackson will also voice the missile.
#5. The Wolfpack: A Documentary About Teenagers Whose Knowledge of the Outside World Comes Only From Movies
Judging from the box office numbers, there is a large and understandable portion of the world who couldn't give a ghost fart about documentaries. After all, reality is the bitter gorge that movies help us claw out of in the first place, so why would we watch something reminding us of the lucid horrors from which there is no escape? Ironically, The Wolfpack is a documentary that follows a group of siblings with the opposite problem -- having spent their whole lives locked away in a Manhattan housing project, their only window to the world being the various films they're allowed to watch.
For example, they think Manhattan is wholly contained in Toronto.
The whole thing sounds like a twisted social experiment, as the brothers record their own mishmash re-creations of films such as Halloween and Reservoir Dogs while pining to break out into the real world -- which at least one of them manages to do, only to find a world wholly different from the one on the TV screen. It's like The Truman Show -- but with a lot more insufferably drawn-out conversations about tipping.
#4. The Lobster: Chubby Colin Farrell in a World Where You're Forced to Mate or Be Turned Into an Animal
Much like the majestic ocean, Colin Farrell is capable of endless splendor as well as unspeakable cruelty. He's not picky about his roles, but he tends to give them his all, even if that means suffering the indignity of shaving his head or working with LL Cool J. The one constant we can pin down is that the weirder the premise he chooses, the more likely the film will be a lot of fun. So, with that in mind, we present to you a dystopian future where single people are arrested, brought to a weird hotel, and forced to find a mate, lest they be literally transformed into an animal of their choosing.
Such as a warthog or a John C. Reilly
No, you read that right -- and yes, that mustachioed pincushion you see there is Farrell alongside John C. Reilly and Rachel Weisz in this inexplicable story about anti-utopian animorphs suspiciously called The Lobster -- which we're guessing will hilariously come up at some point in the film. In fact, if the world is a place worth living in, we'll get at least one American Werewolf in London sequence wherein Farrell transforms into a hulking crimson arthropod.
#3. Accidental Love: An Unreleased David O. Russell Film Written by Al Gore's Daughter
David O. Russell is the director behind the recent acclaimed films American Hustle, The Fighter, and Silver Linings Playbook. Before that, he was best known for trashing a set while screaming at Lily Tomlin and fucking head-butting George Clooney like a Vinnie Jones character. He has the directing style of a carnival ride operator caked in angel dust, so it should come as little surprise that back before Russell was getting Oscar nominations, James Caan stormed off the set of his then upcoming film Accidental Love -- a comedy about a woman who gets shot in the head with a nail gun and lacks the insurance to remove it, causing her to suffer spontaneous sexual and violent urges. From there she begins to rally the country for affordable healthcare, only to end up boning a greasy politician played by Jake Gyllenhaal instead. Also, the movie was originally called Nailed, because for some reason Russell felt that the previous sentence would be too subtle for most people.
Featuring Jessica Biel as the film's nailee, the movie also stars Kirstie Alley, Paul Reubens, and Tracy Morgan, and it was written by Kristin Gore -- a newcomer known for one Futurama episode and for being Al Gore's daughter. If you're wondering who's soul you need to sell to get your eyes on this glorious wreck, never fear, because it's quietly being released on VOD and in theaters this February for your morbid enjoyment.
#2. It Follows: Like The Ring, but With Fucking
From the follies of consumerism to eating disorders, the horror genre tends to have a surprising amount of subtle allegories. Or sometimes not so subtle, as is the case with It Follows, a horror film about a terrifying curse that is passed on through sex-making.
aka Rosemary's Scabies
It works like this -- Teenager 1 is infected by a deadly specter and can get rid of it only by dick-passing it to Teenager 2. The catch is that if Teenager 2 dies, the evil being will go back and start trying to kill Teenager 1 until Teenager 1 sexifies another hapless victim and passes the ghost along. It's like Pay It Forward, only with a relentless murder banshee. While the concept of a phantom boning spree sounds a lot like it could be a Ring porn parody, the film's trailer reveals the super unsexy detail that the malicious shroud in question works by taking the form of friends and abstract fears as it slowly and steadily advances on its victim, never stopping until it mangles their helpless body.
If you fear fuzzy geriatrics, you're royally fucked.
In other words -- this movie looks freaking terrifying, as confirmed by the reviews of anyone who has seen it. The concept of a shambling but unrelenting creature combines the vibe of some nightmare fairy tale with the mechanical terror from The Terminator -- the only difference being that you can't destroy this fucker with Michael Biehn and a sack full of pipe bombs.
#1. Absolutely Anything: Robin Williams' Last Movie Is Also an Unofficial Monty Python Reunion About Aliens
Since Robin Williams' death we've seen the inevitable trickle of his final comedic roles pass by like the world's funniest funeral procession. Absolutely Anything marks the caboose: Williams' final film stars Simon Pegg as a man who, through the help of aliens, gets the power to control the universe -- the inevitable consequence being that he gives his dog the power to speak. Any guesses as to who voices the pooch?
Hint: It's not Samuel L. Jackson.
If you're wondering exactly what brand of awesome a scene between Pegg and a dog version of Williams looks like, check out this hilarious clip on YouTube. Immediately, this film vomits charm -- but that's not even half of it, as Absolutely Anything is co-written and directed by this guy:
No, not Big-Ears. The other guy.
For any sons of a silly person that have no idea who that it, you're looking at Terry Jones -- co-director of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and a member of Monty Python, which is currently down to five surviving members ... all of which appear in this new film. Yep, along with being the final film for Williams, by Jones' own estimation this is also the final film reunion for the members of Monty Python before they collectively fuck right off of the land of the living. Why people aren't lining up around the block already for this film's summer release is beyond us, considering that it definitively marks the end of one comedy era while passing on the torch to the next. So, while the idea might be kind of a bummer, at least there's a bright side to it.
Dave is on the Twitter if you want to say hello.
Working at a school has to be one of the most sanity-shattering jobs out there. Just sitting near one loud teenager on the city bus for 10 minutes is excruciating, so imagine what it must be like to have to be around 300 every day. But while most teachers deal with it by hitting up the lounge to celebrate Margarita Mondays and Let's Just Drink That Entire Bottle of Vodka Thursdays, others prefer to work out their frustration in creatively career-threatening ways, like ...
#5. Tutor Fired for Having a Student Write an Essay on "How to Kill a Teacher"
A surefire technique for getting kids excited about English class is to let them write an essay about a topic they love. If you're a "cool" teacher, you might even suggest some totally edgy subject, like "Why Homework Blows" or "My 18-Hour Call of Duty Erection." That was presumably the basic idea a tutor in Austintown, Ohio, had when he told his student to write an essay entitled "5 Ways to Kill a Teacher."
Tetra Images - Rob Lewine/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images
"Actually, a bear trap to the balls is survivable. Ten points off."
Apparently, 2014 was the year when the inevitable finally happened: companies ran out of slogans. Or they ran out of passable, "doesn't make you want to murder whoever wrote it" slogans, anyway. If Don Draper hadn't been murdered by a roller-skating disco prostitute in 1979 (final season of Mad Men spoilers!) he'd be shaking his head at ...
#5. Van Rental Company Goes for the Racist Pervert Market
If you're driving through Australia, you already expect to see a lot of terrible things. Killer spiders, killer kangaroos, killer koalas -- all par for the course. One of the few things you wouldn't expect to assault you in Australia is a series of giant, racist penis, but here we are: