Quick Fixes

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March 31, 2015

4 Insane Things "The Jinx" Didn't Reveal About Robert Durst

By David Christopher Bell | 167,932 Views

By now you're probably aware of the arrest of Robert Durst, the millionaire accused of multiple homicides dating back to the 1970s, who until recently was walking around a free man. And even though the American judicial system prides itself on that "presumption of innocence until proven guilty" spiel, Durst seems oddly eager to give the prosecution the option to spend his entire trial blackout drunk and not wearing pants.

bbc.com
*burp*

The above confession comes from the finale of The Jinx, an HBO documentary series about Durst directed by fellow super-rich guy (and Felicity theme song co-writer, seriously!) Andrew Jarecki. And if we're to tease out their relationship, Durst seems to be Mr. Burns, whereas Jarecki falls into the role Mr. Smithers. Why do we say that? Well, Durst has a penchant for the the kind of cartoonish evil of somebody who lives in an impenetrable force field made of dollar bills, whereas the documentarian Jarecki has been noted for his extreme closeness to his subject. Which perhaps explains why the following anecdotes didn't make the cut ...

#4. Durst's Many Ridiculous Fake Companies

Remember Vandelay Industries, George Costanza's go-to fictional employer on Seinfeld? Apparently, fake business names are big with the wife-murdering crowd. According to an author researching Durst, the millionaire maintained a ton of pseudonymous identities and launched several dummy entities -- which wouldn't necessarily be news, except he gave them goofy asshole names like "WoofWoof LLC" and "Woofing LLC." Knowing this is like watching the boogeyman traipse out of your closet and noticing that he's wearing Crocs.

Spencer Platt/Getty Images News/Getty Images
"What about the logos?"
"Eh, just flip the McDonald's one upside down, whatever. I don't give a fuck."

Article

March 20, 2015

4 Bizarre Gay Stereotypes of the Star Wars Universe

By Marshall Lemon | 325,396 Views

Between the films and novels and comic books and the commemorative Burger King cups and that crappy 1997 fighting game in which an unarmed Han Solo was able to fist-fight Darth Vader and win, Star Wars is maybe the biggest fictional universe ever devised. (Discounting unofficial fan fiction -- otherwise the Bible or Home Improvement would probably take the cake.)

LucasArts
He then wins the dance off to save Lando's rec center too.

Comic

March 03, 2015

5 Ways The Rules Of Reality Ruin Superhero Movies

By David Christopher Bell | 336,889 Views

Anybody looking forward to seeing a classically lighthearted version of Marvel's first family had their dreams swiftly clobbered with the premiere of the new trailer for Fantastic Four. According to director Josh Trank, this film is going to be "hard sci-fi" (think Blade Runner, The Twilight Zone, or Black Mirror -- science fiction that explores a controversial area of science and/or technology to a grim extreme). The director even went as far as claiming this second reboot of a Silver Age comic franchise involving a rock monster and a man who can stretch his arms out really far will be "Cronenbergian" in its grittiness -- implying that Fantastic Four will explore the consequences of Jeff Goldblum dabbling with body horror science.

20th Century Fox
They'll need a much larger jar when Reed's dick falls off.

Article

March 01, 2015

5 Bootleg Toys That Are Straight Out Of The Bowels of Hell

By Mark Hill | 410,673 Views

Usually, the only disturbing thing about unlicensed merchandise is the thought that anyone could honestly buy an iPood player or a Rolax watch without realizing they're not exactly legal. However, there's a special subcategory of knockoff merch based on beloved children's franchises that replaces the expense of licensed toys with something affordable, and the family-friendly fun with something utterly nightmare-inducing. Such as ...

#5. Dollar Store Magic Wand Comes With Bonus Satanic Terror

Unless you're Bill Gates or something, you've probably cheaped out and bought a younger relative a present at the local dollar store at some point -- after all, your jackass nephew didn't get you anything for your last birthday, so why should you spend more than $1 on him? Here's one good reason: If you look closely at the crappy off-brand toy you just bought, the horrifying image below might be hiding underneath.

WHIO
We'd check under your pillow, too, just in case.