Very rarely do you come across a Halloween costume that's actually scary -- most range from hilariously bad to terribly inappropriate to just terrible. Some people simply want to dress up like a sexy fax machine or whatever else inspires zero erections 99.75 percent of the year.
Others prefer to pay homage to their favorite cinematic characters, making the holiday less a spooky celebration of the macabre and more like cosplay with candy. But if you can make your Hollywood-inspired costume at home, then do so, because what the stores offer is often crafted by complete psychopaths.
#6. Mr. Peabody & Sherman Makes an Easy Costume Horrifying
Mr. Peabody's pet human, Sherman, is a happy child, which is likely what DreamWorks' official Cambodian sweatshop had in mind when designing his costume. Unfortunately, the final result looks like something we'd instinctively bash with a shovel if it ever graced our doorstep:
That's the same toothy smile a silverback gorilla flashes as a final warning before it wears your corpse as a fun hat. Aside from his dystopian nightmare-verse where sentient dogs enslave humans and sadistically carom them all about the space-time continuum, there's absolutely nothing creepy about Sherman. HE'S JUST A CHILD IN GLASSES WEARING A WHITE T-SHIRT FOR FUCK'S SAKE. How do you screw that up? Why, by giving him the compound eyes of an insect:
"Head houses up to 100 bees!"
Again, here is the most no-effort costume in existence rendered uncomfortable and unnerving. (This is a theme we will keep revisiting.) It's like if all Harry Potter costumes came not with coke-bottle spectacles but with Daniel Radcliffe's yowling latex death mask.
#5. Godzilla Fetish Wear
Godzilla and Halloween seem like a match made in heaven, as both have a storied tradition of rubber costumes that cost $15 to make. Unfortunately, it looks like the recent reboot was far grittier than we thought, judging by Godzilla's brand-new rictus grin:
Those masks aren't a lovable, ol' B-movie monster. That's the grin of a man with a secret (who wandered onto a nuclear test range). The kid version isn't any better:
Like most child actors, the baby from Dinosaurs is going through dark times.
But for true scares, may we suggest abandoning the mask altogether and embracing the hoodie?
If you want to get shot by the police on sight, we mean.
Indeed, Warner Bros. has green-lit a handy-dandy way to make the 7-Eleven clerk shit himself while you pilfer his register. And you don't even need a firearm, as you can just make the clerk extremely uncomfortable with your disturbingly luscious radioactive abs.
#4. Jesus Christ, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
The protagonist of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is Caesar, a compassionate, thoughtful ape-leader who inherited all of James Franco's redeeming qualities and none of his gross ones. The key to the series' success is that Caesar isn't just a CGI monster -- he's expressive, with eyes that aren't dead to the world. Too bad that whoever designed his official costume clearly stopped listening after the word "ape":
"Ape movie, yeah, whatever, got it; I saw Congo."
This? This is simply a nightmare the costume designer described to his psychiatrist. But it's not just an unholy costume, it's also a lazy one:
Requirement No. 1 for any decent monkey suit should be "hair everywhere," which clearly isn't the case. Also note the model wore goddamn jeans in the promotional photo. The fact that this costume doesn't even include pants could be seen as an oversight, but we choose to interpret it as a misguided stab at realism.
#3. The Hobbit's Thorin Is an Angry Little Hobo
So your son wants to dress up like a Lord of the Rings character. Great! Which of the 18 trazillion did he choose? Frodo? Gandalf? Jon Snow? So many cool ones to pi-
You no longer have a son.
Oh. Thorin from The Hobbit? Really? That's problematic for a few reasons: obviously, that kid's sporting a remarkably fake beard, unless he broke into The Rock's house and made off with his steroid stash. But, more importantly, this poor model doesn't look like a badass dwarf warrior -- he looks like a hobo who got dressed on a dumpster behind Medieval Times.
"That best not be my bed thou is peeing on."
If your kid wants to trick-or-treat as a train-hopping vagabond, paying Warner Bros. $30 isn't the way to go. Just throw Junior some old rags to wear, make him a bindle, rub some dirt on his face, slap a better fake beard on his chin, and send him off into that good night. And if he still wants to be someone from Lord of the Rings -- come on, at least one of them is bound to have produced a costume that won't get your kid forcibly dragged off to a rehab clinic.
#2. Marvel Obviously Thought Nobody Wanted Guardians of the Galaxy Costumes
If you ever needed proof that some suit at Disney clearly anticipated that only four men with underarm problems would see Guardians of the Galaxy, look no further than these costumes. The tree-sapien Groot -- who has improbably catapulted to one of Marvel's most popular characters, along with a guy who used to be on Ally McBeal and an Old Norse dandy -- resembles a bondage suit of wood:
"I am Groot. Also, erect."
That's supposed to be a kid, not a grown-ass man with a FetLife account wearing his "weekend epidermis." And if that body suit isn't bad enough, here's the mask:
"What a, uh, a semi-passable Grandmother Tree from Pocahontas."
Yeah, that's a straight-up Ent gimp mask, woven mouth and all. Let's move on to Drax the Destroyer, whose costume may seem like a good idea for like two seconds until you realize it makes your kid look like Eczema Action Frankenstein:
Knife not included: it just materializes on whoever puts this on.
Rare is the costume that makes a child look both half-naked and dignified, and by rare, we mean nonexistent. And finally there's Rocket Raccoon, who ... oh no. Oh no.
Yep. Furry. Fuck it.
Raccoon ears + raccoon tail + space vest + big cardboard laser blaster. THIS COSTUME IS NOT HARD. Geez Marvel, would it kill you to stick to Spider-Man costumes?
#1. Jamie Foxx's Electro Face Is the Scariest Mask Ever
No! We said Spider-Man, dammit! Not the sinister foes of Spider-Man! Especially not when they're played by Jamie Foxx and end up looking like this:
"Price Reduced"? Shocking.
Shockingly, Marvel's official Electro costume is pretty damn accurate, but that's the problem. It's not the blue skin, and it's not those throbbing dong veins painfully jutting out his skull -- it's the TEETH.
Everyone knows teeth and dick veins don't mix.
Foxx's chompers are full-time gigantic, and he could probably gnash through an Oldsmobile if he was hungry enough. They're blindingly white, too, even by eerie Hollywood standards. Stick that mouth onto a bright blue face and make him look like he's experiencing a never-ending orgasm. In fact, the only way this costume gets any worse is if you don't wear it. Why? Because your eyes and your soul are the only thing keeping it from evolving into its true form: a Hellmouth.
There's no way Foxx had his pants on when this plaster was taken.
In conclusion, JUST PAINT YOUR SKIN BLUE AND IF ANYBODY THINKS YOU'RE THE GUY FROM AVATAR START QUOTING OLD IN LIVING COLOR SKETCHES: DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT WEAR THIS.
For Halloween costumes that are not giant piles of garbage, check out 4 Crazy Ways Halloween's Going High-Tech.
In an ad that was recently pulled from YouTube for the crime of being shitty, Subway reminded women everywhere that their ONLY option for a Halloween costume is "sexy version of literally any noun in the English language."
The people that thought this up wear helmets as part of their normal day.
Unless they plan on spending hours making costumes from scratch, ladies are given no choice but to dress up like they're brainstorming a character for the Erotic Wrestling Federation. Which is fine if you want to go to a party as Sexy Hermione, but what if you just want to be plain old Hermione? Will the aggressive sexualization of the most fun holiday of the year ever end?
Nope. The problem has become so systemic that it just perpetuates itself with minimal (and counterintuitive) input from us, like some kind of insane robot.
#4. Halloween Is Designed to Screw Over Women
First of all, Halloween is sexualized for women, period. Even if the "women" in question are barely out of diapers. For example, here are a few not-at-all uncommon costumes for girls who are still in elementary school, which you may remember as the time of your life when you consumed nothing but juice and boogers and still believed one or two of your favorite cartoon characters were real people:
If you see a toddler in that outfit please let a real cop know.
Right now, 65 percent of Americans are scared shitless that they'll get Ebola. Or 40 percent, or 19 percent, depending on which bullshit poll you're paying attention to -- geez, it's almost as if the news is blatantly exaggerating this situation just for clicks! But the Fourth Estate would never sink so low, right?
Actually, it already has. As our infinity-part series continues to point out, certain news sites remain at a steady 100 percent in terms of being completely up their own asses. That's how everyone you know ends up sharing bogus headlines like ...
#7. Science Didn't Just Create a Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak
A couple times a year, news sites will start dusting off their best Harry Potter references to announce that, finally, science has discovered the key to total invisibility. Of course, it's always bull- HOLY SHIT THEY DID IT! THEY REALLY DID IT THIS TIME!
"Eat shit, magic!" -Science
With Ebola panic hitting the international media with the intensity of a hundred celebrity nip-slips, people around the world have naturally started asking themselves questions like, "Is my family safe from Ebola?" and, "How can I ride this flood of diseased body fluids until I'm filthy rich?"
We've already talked about how Ebola probably isn't going to take off in America, but it turns out we're already infected with a much more widespread virus: shameless opportunism. That's why we're seeing Ebola-related commercial ventures like ...
#5. Cam'ron Is Selling His Official Anti-Ebola Mask
Cam'ron is a rapper best known for hating the letter "E" and "Hey Ma," which is the greatest mediocre rap song of all time. Anyway, last week Mr. 'ron took that e-hatred to its logical extreme when he started selling an anti-Ebola mask that he created.
"And be sure to get my Cam'ron Con'doms for those STDs, too."