LeBron vs. Jordan: A Non-Basketball Study

Rightfully, LeBron James shouldn't even be compared to Michael Jordan. Among today's crop of NBA talent, statistically speaking, Kobe Bryant is far more deserving of the comparison. After all, he's won more than a few championships, and when it comes to the NBA, greatness is measured by how many trophies you can claim. Otherwise, you're just lumped in with the Karl Malones and Patrick Ewings of the world -- players who put up great numbers but never really had anything to show for it.

But, shockingly, something about the "Black Mamba" being accused of raping a hotel employee in Colorado didn't sit well with people.


"It's for sexual assault!"

Ever since then, the scramble to find a new "Who's the next Jordan?" candidate has been underway.

These days, the go-to Jordan comparison target is LeBron James. Sure, he's never won any championships, but it's seemingly only a matter of time. But here at Cracked, we believe it takes more than statistics to truly be compared to a legend like Michael Jordan. So we dug a little deeper.

Here's a non-basketball comparison of LeBron James and Michael Jordan ...

Dealing With Baldness

Taking the bull by the horns, so to speak.

Lebron's headband: Basketball's answer to Bret Michaels' hat.

Advantage: Jordan

His Airness was drafted to the pros out of the same college of dealing with baldness as Bruce Willis. Why fight it? Just give in and do your best to look respectable with no hair. But truth be told, MJ and Bruce both have pretty sweet heads. They're both really the optimum shape for having no hair. Like a light bulb. Like looking at them is a good idea. LeBron may not have such a shapely head. Just keep that in mind before you make fun of his haphazardly placed headband.

Fashion

Ringless, but never scarfless.

Half '70s car salesman, half '90s backup dancer.

Advantage: LeBron

You know who looks great in a scarf? Pretty much everyone. Points for King James here.

Tongue Wag

Nylon is an acquired taste.

"Taking his talents to South Beach" has taken on a different meaning.

Advantage: Jordan

Don't even try it. He invented the tongue wag.

Facial Hair

Neckbeards, for when your scarf is out of reach.

There's rich, filthy rich, and then "Fuck you, I'm growing a Hitler mustache" rich.

Advantage: Jordan

It takes a lot of courage to try to bring a Nazi fad back into the pop culture spotlight, courage that we're recognizing today while also assuring you that our vote for Jordan's mustache should in no way be construed as an endorsement of the Nazi party.

And the Winner Is ...

After a ridiculous decision on facial hair made solely so that this fiasco didn't end in a tie, Michael Jordan is our victor. But if he wasn't, it wouldn't matter. Because he has six championships.

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