In 1969, Yoko Ono gave John Lennon a sketchbook titled "Fashions for Men" as a wedding gift. This book was filled with bizarre sketches of clothing she thought would look good on guys with Lennon's body type.
Upon receiving this present, John probably forced a smile, said, "Sorry, luv, the glue is still drying on my macaroni portrait of you," and silently chucked an elegantly gift-wrapped diamond necklace into the trash.
Decades later, Ono has resurrected that sketchbook in the form of her new clothing line. Was this just an elaborate excuse to make John Lennon look like an asshole from beyond the grave? We'll let you be the judge.
#6. Hand Trousers -- $335
You can't afford not to buy them.
This is no more than a pair of pants with a perverted hand-turkey splayed across the wearer's testicles. And from the side, it looks like the model was being blown by the Hawaiian Punch mascot as a nuclear bomb went off and left his scorched silhouette on the crotch.
"Howb abbut ah nibbce Hawabin ARRRRRRRGH."
#5. Jock Strap -- $200
At some point in her life, Yoko Ono pondered the pathetic flesh sloth that is the human penis, and she made it her ultimate goal to design a fashionable cock barrier to protect a man's seed from high impact blows.
You see, when you wear the Hand Trousers, many varied people will have many valid reasons to hit you in the junk. Because of this inevitability, the Jock Strap comes equipped with a single LED light in the mid-jock area to guide a kicker's foot, like an airport runway. (Apparently someone named Sean gave this thing his seal of approval. Does Sean get kicked in the dick a lot? These are things the consumer needs to know.)
#4. Butt Hoodie -- $75
So far, we're just happy she hasn't turned her talents to hats.
You'd think that after spending who knows how much on jock strap R&D, Ono and her team would know what balls look like. Particularly squiggly cartoon balls, because there's a good chance the world looks like an episode of Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist in her eyes.
If she did, this hoodie with a drawing of a "butt" wouldn't make it look you were poking your head through a "YOUR FACE HERE" carnival cutout of Charlie Brown's uncircumcised penis. And speaking of butts ...
#3. Cutout Trousers -- $250
This is a perfectly normal pair of men's trousers that are just as appropriate on a yacht as they are in a rock club ...
... or any such venue where accidentally sharting through a mesh sieve is encouraged!
#2. Printed Eyes Knee Pads -- $55
The ensemble above is the evolution of things humans have scribbled on walls since the dawn of man as reproduced on the body of a guy whose life plan consists only of the words "Fuck it." The cavemen invented handprints, the Egyptians left behind cryptic images of eyes, and alien archeologists will one day uncover countless high school bathroom stalls filled with crudely drawn scrotums and conclude that our extinction was necessary.
#1. Bell Board -- $400
The plaque says "Ring for Your Mommy," because Ono suffers from an old gypsy curse that forces her to do everything 30 percent creepier.
There's a fine line between fashion and building a rig to strap dynamite to your torso. The Bell Board finds that line and inexplicably straps some hotel lobby call bells to it. We guess this would make more sense if the bells were over the guy's pecs, but they're actually about five inches below, like musical wolf nipples.
The words "Ring for Your Mommy" are written across the bottom of the clear plate, making the Bell Board the perfect hazing prank for your French art college frat house. But you really need to be an "I'm so dull people think I'm profound" waif to make this accessory work. If the Bell Board were worn by a 350-pound NFL fan with back hair, citizens would be calling old-timey dog catchers to subdue him with big silly nets.