Billie Joe Armstrong is in rehab. You know that because we mentioned it here a few weeks ago and this is where you come to get news. That's a questionable choice. We just don't know how else to say it.
Speaking of questionable choices, we have our suspicions that Billie Joe Armstrong's recent stint in rehab is the result of a scourge that has plagued so many bands before. It's with much concern that we report: Green Day may have a Yoko Ono problem.
That's not the real Yoko Ono in the video above, of course. That's a woman named Lady Cobra, who fronts the band Mystic Knights of the Cobra. The song is called "Text Messaging Slut." In the video, she dances with a robot that's blessed with a gigantic metal dong.
Yep, we'll wait.
Right. So, why haven't you heard of Lady Cobra before now? Well, a Google search reveals that she doesn't have a Wikipedia page.
So she just plain isn't that well-known. But that might be about to change, because at some point, Lady Cobra met the lead singer of Green Day, and, unless we're interpreting the signs incorrectly, disaster struck.
Let's start with what we know about Billie Joe Armstrong. He's a 40-year-old man swept up in a wave of renewed top-of-the-world-ness. He's been married to the same woman for a long time. They have kids. Wikipedia never lies.
So, Billie Joe Armstrong meets a barely known rapper (?) named Lady Cobra. She makes some kind of impression on him. We know this because he wrote a song about her.
That's the aptly titled "Lady Cobra," which, awesomely, sounds sort of like Green Day channeling Motorhead, if Lemmy Kilmister were some kind of eyeliner-wearing pansy. But what's most important here are the lyrics:
Well I met a girl named Lady Cobra
Her black heart beats crimson and clover
She gives me chills and fever blisters
She's serving spells and voodoo shakes
Well she just wants to get me high
Stick a needle in my eye
Reeks like hell, lost in temptation
Rubbing on my inner demons
Don't want a suicide
I don't want this to end
I just wanna be your friend.
The wife probably loved hearing the band work out that number!
Anyway, according to some reports, Billie Joe Armstrong had been sober for one year prior to his recent meltdown in Las Vegas. Generally, a bout of sobriety like that is preceded by something else. Some kind of lapse in judgment that lets all involved parties know that you need to get your shit together. So ... was Lady Cobra that thing that happened a year ago that forced Billie Joe Armstrong to straighten up? Those lyrics certainly seem to indicate that.
But for this to be a real Yoko Ono story, there has to be an extra element, right? There has to be that moment where the lead singer's extramarital love interest starts to force her way into the band's music, for better or worse. Well, we're glad you brought that up. Ladies and gentlemen, check out "Nightlife," a song from Green Day's recently released album, Dos!
Oof! Suck on that, "punk" fans! That's Lady Cobra handling lead vocals on what we have to imagine is the only "rap" song to appear on a Green Day album. And guess what? It's another song about being intoxicated beyond repair! Imagine that!
So maybe he met a friend who likes to party, what's his wife have to do with all this? Nothing, except for the band's new single, which is very clearly a song about a man apologizing to his woman for his cheating ways.
It's no Kobe diamond, but as far as make-up gifts go, that's a pretty good one.
But now Billie Joe Armstrong slipped up again and is back in rehab. How does Lady Cobra play into the equation this time around? Well, it's just a hunch on our part, but we have to assume that the marital discord that must accompany the decision to put two songs about the slut (her words, not ours) you banged when you relapsed a year ago on your new album might have had a hand in it all.