And here it is. What in the name of Pontius Pilate performing pilates in a Pontiac is going on here?
The Feldmansion. What, was "Corgy" taken or something?
If the name Corey Feldman rings any bells, chances are you remember it from such 1980s flicks as Gremlins, The Goonies and The Lost Boys. And in these films, Feldman played the Reagan years' quintessential smart-ass teenager.
He was also one helluva fashion icon.
But this was a quarter-century ago. What's this erstwhile child star up to nowadays? Why, he's become the mastermind behind Corey's Angels, a "super exclusive private membership social club that throws several events per year" and attracts other celebrity guests/shadow members of the Bilderberg Group ("Chris Kirkpatrick [...] and Kato Kaelin to name a few"). Feldman throws these fetes at his own house, as you're allowed to wear pajamas if you work from home.
Even the passage of time cannot erode this colossus of style.
And according to Feldman's website, Corey's Angels is "a 360 degree interactive experience," which is merely a fancy of way saying "the entire waitstaff of the Santa Monica Hooters is wandering around my backyard."
Feldman modeled Corey's Angels on the Playboy Mansion ("I can honestly say I have spent more time at the mansion than any other home on this Earth," he admits, like some orphaned Depression-era rascal adopted by Hugh Hefner) and began this party because of his mutant power to convince otherwise sane women to trade their clothing for dollar-store Halloween costumes.
"I'm basically Magneto, if Magneto made out with Martha Plimpton on the set of The Goonies."
Corey's Angels maintains a strict ratio. For every 200 to 400 boat show pamphleteers Feldman hires off of Craigslist, less than 100 gentlemen oglers are allowed in.
Look, we won't give Feldman guff for holding lawn parties so cartoonishly ooh-la-la that they have the eldritch power to raise Benny Hill from the dead as some goddamn lich king. But when he starts sending out Twitter invitations like this to his upcoming Christmas party ...
Yes, that is the kid from Stand by Me dressed up as Jesus Christ.
... we're going to start asking questions. Namely, "Is Corey Feldman starting his own sex cult?" Let's consider the evidence.
#4. The Corey's Angels Logo Is Very Sinister
Feldman has truly taken the Playboy paradigm to heart, as he's even created his own weird-ass insignia for Corey's Angels. See that curious blot at the upper-left corner of the invitation? Here's what it looks like in full.
Whoever drew this had better be on a registry somewhere.
Surprisingly, that's not a flying phallus wearing an Eyes Wide Shut mask. It's actually some assy quadruple-amputee member of the heavenly host. Many fringe religious organizations also rely on some fantastically bad iconography. For example, Heaven's Gate's logo looked like the title card to a PBS children's show about a talking comet, and the Nuwaubian Nation built an MS Paint version of ancient Egypt in central Georgia.
#3. Corey Feldman, Messiah Figure
To lure the Hollywood elite to attend your yuletide rager, you must first cobble together a rave flier using Adobe Creative Suite's "Lutheran Christmas potluck/winter coat drive" template, convince seven aspiring models that the Macaroni Grill down the street is Vogue magazine's LA satellite office and out-dead-eye the dead eyes of the leader of the Aum Shinrikyo.
And he's really only one forehead swastika away from a full-on Manson look.
#2. Corey Feldman Produces Vaguely Apocalyptic House Music
Many child actors have successfully made the jump from screen to song -- one need look no further than Jennifer Love Hewitt's seminal 1995 album, Let's Go Bang.
Incidentally, her manager wanted to name her TV show Party of Diddling before Standards and Practices intervened.
As for Feldman, he's tackling music later in life, starting with his new single "Ascension Millenium," a millenarianism-tinged robo-stomp anthem that sounds less like sexy good times and more like a dystopian vivisection planet where Skynet replaces your kidneys with subwoofers. (0:59 is where it really starts to cook.)
Now we admit that all this evidence is a twinge circumstantial. But do you know what the real smoking gun is?
#1. Somewhere in His Own House, Corey Feldman Has a Shrine to Himself
This is like a grown man keeping his middle school report cards on the wall so everyone will know about his C+ in Spanish.
And it consists of a few posters for the Lost Boys movies, a poster for Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star hidden behind some speakers and a seaside boardwalk caricature hung over a fireplace. We now want to visit Feldman and prostrate ourselves before the CoreyWall just to be nice, but we're guessing that's how he mesmerizes you into his harem.
You can find Cyriaque Lamar on Twitter.