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A 30-Second Guide to How the Gay Marriage Ruling Affects You

We at Cracked feel we have a responsibility to find the truth behind the Internet's biggest stories, so when some Americans spent this week wondering if the mass gay and straight wedding during the Grammys was a "culture war missile" aimed right at their families, and when some Russians were wondering if gay people even exist and -- if they do -- whether they should be allowed to say so, we felt it was our job to find these answers however we could. Then we realized that we already had, last year, with this article. So that was easy.

We hope you enjoy this Cracked Classic, and that its exhaustive explanation helps you navigate and find your footing in this heavily nuanced and deeply complex issue.

In case you missed it, or just saw people screaming about it on Facebook, the U.S. Supreme Court just ruled that the federal government will now recognize gay marriages as legitimate (specifically, that the Defense of Marriage Act that had been preventing it was unconstitutional). BUT individual states are still free to pass their own laws.

Millions of people, most of whom are neither gay nor looking to get same-sex married, are loudly asking on the Internet how exactly this case impacts their life.

The Free Republic Message Board

For them we have provided a handy guide:

If You Are a Homosexual and Are Already Married:

The federal government now recognizes your marriage as a thing, and you are eligible for tax, health, and pension benefits under federal law like any other married couple, pending further political shenanigans. You can file taxes jointly, all that shit.

If You Are a Homosexual and Want to Get Married:

This does nothing to affect you UNLESS you live in California. States are still free to decide whether or not same-sex marriage is legal; if you live in Mississippi, this does not help you. But, the voter initiative to ban gay marriage in California is now dead, pending further legal challenges or other fuckery.

If You Are a Heterosexual and Do NOT Want to Enter into a Homosexual Marriage:

You will not be required to marry a gay person. This is a common misunderstanding. This decision actually does not affect you in any way.

If You Are Currently in a Heterosexual Marriage:

This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are a Heterosexual Who Is Not Currently Married:

This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are a Heterosexual Who Hopes to Eventually Marry:

This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are a Member of a Church That Performs Wedding Ceremonies but That Does Not Believe in Gay Marriage:

This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are a Religious Official Who Performs Wedding Ceremonies but Who Thinks Gay Marriage Is Wrong:

This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are an Individual Who Believes Gay Marriage or Homosexuality in General Is Wrong for Religious Reasons, and Wish to Continue Expressing Those Beliefs:

This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are an Individual Who Believes Gay Marriage or Homosexuality in General Is Wrong for Non-Religious Reasons, and Wish to Continue Expressing Those Beliefs:

This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are a Heterosexual Who Fears This Decision Adversely Affects Your Marriage or the Concept of Marriage in General:

This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are a Heterosexual Who Fears This Decision Negatively Affects You in Some Way:

This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are a Heterosexual Who Suffers Anger or Anxiety at the Thought of Gay Couples Getting Married as an Abstract Concept, and Believes the Only Cure Is to Legally Prevent Gay Marriage:

This decision will cause you some degree of anger or anxiety. Otherwise, this decision does not affect you in any way.

Hope this helps!

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