When it comes to things like waffle tacos, America is Middle-Earth, and every other nation is like some lesser fantasy realm where the hobbits don't have gout and the One Ring isn't the elastic waistband on a pair of sweatpants, right?
Wrong! Japan is locked in an arms race with America to see who can distend their populations into the fattest fucks possible. In fact, Japan has been stepping up their grotesque edibles game quite a bit in recent months, so much so that they're making KFC's Double Down look like a quinoa enema. What are we talking about?
#7. Kit Kat Pizza
Say you're in Japan and you're in the mood for a slice of American-style 'za. None the wiser, you head on over to the chain Napoli no Kama and order yourself their latest specialty: the Kit Kat Pizza. Surely the "Kit Kat" part of the phrase "Kit Kat Pizza" is just a regional term for a fish or some esoteric spice, right?
Nope, it's a goddamn pizza topped with Kit Kats.
Presenting the only time in history no one will ask you to share either one.
A $16 medium pie comes with slices of mango wrapped around the Kit Kat bars and some Gorgonzola that is presumably too sick and twisted to use on normal pizza. Of course, this move isn't entirely unprecedented, as Japan's unmatched love for the wafers saw a gourmet Kit Kat shop open in Tokyo last January, and they offer an endless supply of Kit Kat flavors ranging from roasted tea to red bean. At this point, pizza seems like the sanest option here.
"We tried adding ramen, but the broth made everything soggy."
#6. Wendy's Snow Crab Burger
But say you're in Japan and you desire a dining experience more upscale than candy perversions of Italian foodstuffs. Look no further than Wendy's luxurious Snow Crab Burger, seen here posing with snowflakes as another crab gazes on, haunted and complicit.
We'll admit this is one of the more favorable outcomes of Wendy sharing her crabs with you.
Mind you, this isn't a healthy seafood alternative to a cheeseburger. This is just a regular cheeseburger with a chunk of dead crustacean on top, making the entire sandwich look like an alien prostitute you'd find in Jabba the Hutt's sex dungeon.
#5. Haagen-Dazs Vegetable Ice Cream
On May 12, two new Haagen-Dazs flavors will hit Japanese convenience stores: cherry-tomato and carrot-orange. Other than the fact that each one is comprised of two healthy foods that share the same color, there's no easy explanation why they would share a cylinder that people eat out of when they're sad. Fingers crossed for asparagus-kiwi and potato-durian!
#4. The Attack on Titan Fries ...
Attack on Titan is a popular graphically violent Japanese cartoon in which naked, genital-less giants eat humans and vomit them up for mysterious reasons. (It also had the most cock rock anime theme song this side of the Japanese X-Men.)
Naturally, this is the plot that inspired the Japanese chain Lotteria to offer meal specials so pornographic that their mere site would cause Caligula to smirk and fondle himself. First off, there's the Attack on Titan bucket of fries, which is literally a 1,140-calorie bucket of fries.
Next: Attack on Your Heart ...
#3. ... and Burger
As for the meat, Lotteria is now offering three no-compromises new sizes: five patties, seven patties, and 10 patties. Each sandwich laughs at the diner, challenging you to wriggle on your belly, as you are no longer a human, but some undiscovered species of prehistoric slug that consists of but mouth, gut, and anus.
... and Your Colon
#2. Chocolate Fries
But that's not even the craziest beef concoction Lotteria's served up lately. This happened in February:
"Try it with onion rings too!"
Yes, the fries come with a chocolate dipping sauce, for all those times your ketchup isn't sugary enough. Also, the sauce is served inside of a petite tart cup that you can eat once you've horked down two days' worth of cacao-scented lipids. Some of you may be scoffing, "Whatever, dude, people have been dipping fries in milkshakes since the caveman days!" That's true, but nobody ever pulls the following ...
#1. The Chocolate and Honey Mustard Grilled Chicken Burger
The sweet chocolate flavor complements the tang of the mustard and your vomit.
Two things are notable about this burger. First, Lotteria combined honey mustard with chocolate, which is a sentence that hurts our duodena simply by typing. Second, this was a Valentine's Day promotion, so anybody who ordered this was scheduling a hot date with hot diarrhea.
The third part of XJ's epic science fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.