7 Japanese Fast Food Items (Almost) Too Insane to Be Real

When it comes to things like waffle tacos, America is Middle-Earth, and every other nation is like some lesser fantasy realm where the hobbits don't have gout and the One Ring isn't the elastic waistband on a pair of sweatpants, right?

Wrong! Japan is locked in an arms race with America to see who can distend their populations into the fattest fucks possible. In fact, Japan has been stepping up their grotesque edibles game quite a bit in recent months, so much so that they're making KFC's Double Down look like a quinoa enema. What are we talking about?

#7. Kit Kat Pizza

Say you're in Japan and you're in the mood for a slice of American-style 'za. None the wiser, you head on over to the chain Napoli no Kama and order yourself their latest specialty: the Kit Kat Pizza. Surely the "Kit Kat" part of the phrase "Kit Kat Pizza" is just a regional term for a fish or some esoteric spice, right?

Nope, it's a goddamn pizza topped with Kit Kats.

Presenting the only time in history no one will ask you to share either one.

A $16 medium pie comes with slices of mango wrapped around the Kit Kat bars and some Gorgonzola that is presumably too sick and twisted to use on normal pizza. Of course, this move isn't entirely unprecedented, as Japan's unmatched love for the wafers saw a gourmet Kit Kat shop open in Tokyo last January, and they offer an endless supply of Kit Kat flavors ranging from roasted tea to red bean. At this point, pizza seems like the sanest option here.

"We tried adding ramen, but the broth made everything soggy."

#6. Wendy's Snow Crab Burger

But say you're in Japan and you desire a dining experience more upscale than candy perversions of Italian foodstuffs. Look no further than Wendy's luxurious Snow Crab Burger, seen here posing with snowflakes as another crab gazes on, haunted and complicit.

We'll admit this is one of the more favorable outcomes of Wendy sharing her crabs with you.

Mind you, this isn't a healthy seafood alternative to a cheeseburger. This is just a regular cheeseburger with a chunk of dead crustacean on top, making the entire sandwich look like an alien prostitute you'd find in Jabba the Hutt's sex dungeon.

#5. Haagen-Dazs Vegetable Ice Cream

On May 12, two new Haagen-Dazs flavors will hit Japanese convenience stores: cherry-tomato and carrot-orange. Other than the fact that each one is comprised of two healthy foods that share the same color, there's no easy explanation why they would share a cylinder that people eat out of when they're sad. Fingers crossed for asparagus-kiwi and potato-durian!

So we guess "Haagen-Dazs" actually means "self-loathing"?

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