#3. The Captured Baby Chupacabra ... Is Just a Hairless Raccoon
A family from Ratcliffe, Texas, recently found a little someone digging through their trash, eating corn, only to realize it wasn't a dog or a hobo like they probably thought -- it was the mythical vampiric chupacabra! In cute baby form! Seriously, look at this adorable/terrifying li'l guy:
"Parma [the captor] says one of the signs it's not a raccoon is its growl." -actual quote
At last, the legend of the goat-sucking monster is confirmed, and the journalistic integrity of the Weekly World News vindicated. But why was the chupacabra eating corn instead of sucking blood from other animals? Is it on a diet? Actually, it's because the animal's mandibles couldn't possibly suck anyone's blood ... because it's a raccoon without hair. While most raccoons are identified by the bandit-like mask on their head, once they lose their hair due to a disease like mange, it gets pretty difficult to tell the difference between them and an oversized rat. Or, you know, a baby chupacabra.
In fact, mange plus any animal is probably the reason for 90 percent of all monster mythos out there, as this photo of a completely normal bear going through a punk rock phase demonstrates:
Sebastian Willnow/AFP/Getty Images
"Dude, let it go."
"Shut up. Sigourney Weaver's going to pop out of there any second now. Watch."
#2. Real-Life Fairies Photographed by Professor ... Turn Out to Be Flies
Last April, Professor John Hyatt from Lancashire, England, decided to take a stroll at dusk and took some pictures along the way. When he revealed them, he found out why there were probably Disney tunes playing at super-low volume all along his trip: He had accidentally stumbled upon a bunch of real-life fairies fluttering about.
And thus millions of trashy tattoos are rendered inaccurate.
Unmistakable with two legs, two arms, two wings, and presumably two gazongas if he could just zoom in enough, the tiny flying creatures visible in Hyatt's photos could have been nothing short of fairies. Hyatt contacted local media outlets and named his collection of photos the Rossendale Fairies, which he then put on display at the local museum. The professor claimed that he compared the fairies to pictures of flies, but they just didn't look the same. To lend credence to his theory, he also quoted Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's long-held belief that fairies were real ...
... which is fitting, considering that Doyle was famously duped by one of the dumbest hoaxes ever, and these fairies are about as real as those. It turns out that there's more than one type of fly, and an expert pointed out that these are clearly midges, with their long legs and long "arms" that reach out past their wings, and their tendency to dance around like idiots when trying to get laid.
Luis Ricardo Falero, lkpro/iStock/Getty Images
A concept unfamiliar to us sophisticated humans.
#1. The Bolivian Ghost Phasing Through a Stadium ... Is Just a Guy Running to His Seat
A few weeks ago, a video taken during a soccer match in Bolivia went viral for reasons other than the goals: A mysterious black figure was seen running through the stands. As in, literally through them.
Sadly, none of the announcers commemorated the event by yelling "GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST!"
The black figure seems to run at an unnaturally fast pace directly through throngs of audience members, none of them noticing the creature passing through their bodies. Online media outlets and YouTube commenters declared it a ghost, because otherwise how could it cut directly through barriers in the seats? So, did the ghost come back to the human world to enjoy one last soccer match, or was it simply on its way to a haunting appointment in Peru?
Neither, because what the viral video omits is the part right before the "ghost" starts running, when you see it walking down the stairs like your average person, even skipping to avoid someone, before beginning his quick sprint:
"Out of the way; I don't want to miss the 30 seconds where soccer is actually interesting."
But how do you explain the way he passed through people and barriers? Simple -- he didn't. If you look at pictures of La Paz stadium, you can see that there's a walkway right where the figure was found running.
But ... but the X-Files music on the video!
As for why the guy was in such a rush, now that we realize that this is turning into a normal soccer story, we find ourselves actively not caring.
The third part of XJ's epic science fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.