#3. An Origin Story Leprechaun Reboot Starring a Pro Wrestler
Speaking of short things that haunt your dreams, who doesn't recall those Leprechaun films starring the guy who's way too good to be in six films about a fucking killer leprechaun? Turns out those green turds were a real cash cow, because they're doing it all over again.
WWE Studios/Lionsgate Films
"Superstar" should probably be in quotes, too.
Starring the noted tadpole splasher Hornswoggle, the WWE/Lionsgate venture is being helmed by TV movie director and one-time Goosebumps actor Zach Somekindoflastname and is aiming for a hard, no-nonsense, and gritty R to honor its predecessors. With that kind of attention to roots, we're assuming it will also be able to claim the inevitable 0 to 30 percent Rotten Tomatoes rating that the original series has managed to effortlessly maintain.
#2. Gotham: The TV Show That Wonders What Batman Would Be Like Without Batman
Those Nolan films were pretty good, but at no point did they stop to ponder what Batman was like as a whiny little mope for extensive periods of time. Luckily, we have Gotham, an upcoming TV show entirely devoted to the only primary character who doesn't fling around, Detective Gordon.
Warner Bros. Television
All will be forgiven if, in the first episode, pre-Bane punches him and shouts, "Welcome to the G.C., bitch!"
As the new trailer outlines, we will marvel at not only the sight of a mourning rich child being avenged by a mustachioed gumshoe, but also all of the original villains as young versions of themselves, like a crossover episode of Muppet Babies. In other words, remember how cool it was to have a mysterious Joker with a shadowed backstory? Well, it turns out he just lived down the street, along with Catwoman, Poison Ivy, the Penguin, the Riddler, and Two-Face ... all of whom the show promises to feature. The end result? A Gotham filled with either the stupidest coincidences or the worst collection of parents ever to occupy a single geographic area.
#1. Get Ready for a Bunch of Gritty Biblical Origin Stories
As far as biblical movies go, there are really only two options: Life of Brian or Ten Commandments. You either piss off religious groups or embrace them, but the one thing you don't do is completely rewrite a conviction that millions have spilled blood over the details of, right?
"Jesus Christ ..."
Or, you know, whatever. Turns out that along with comic books, video games, novels, and board games, the Bible isn't all that sacred either. Mary promises to be a "high action drama" co-written by the producer of Cabin Fever 2 that follows Jesus' mother as she fights under the reign of Herod the Great, who is going to be played by Ben Kingsley. The movie is already getting shit for hiring a nearly all British cast for a Middle Eastern setting, and it should be pissing you off sometime in 2015 on account that it's also a prequel for The Passion of the Christ.
And for anyone who wants to keep going after that, Jesus himself is getting an origin TV show written by David Franzoni that follows the "lost years" of his life from 13 to 30, effectively handing over the canon of the savior of millions to the dude who wrote Jumpin' Jack Flash.
What's next, a Pontius Pilate origin story starring Brad Pitt?
Actually, yes. That's exactly what's next.
The script, described as a "biblical era Twilight Zone episode," has already been written by up-and-coming romantic comedy writer Vera Blasi and follows Jesus' crucifixion from the perspective of a young Roman politician who gets in a little too far over his head when he ... *record scratch*
... murders God's only son!
While the entire thing sounds like Satan's Mad Lib, it's probably not as big of an affront to God as the aforementioned Smurfs movie.