6 Upcoming Movies That Are Completely Doomed

#3. Paddington Bear Loses His Voice ... in Post-Production

When it came time to cast the voice of Paddington Bear, the cherished children's character who taught kids it's OK to approach bears if they're dressed like people, Warner Bros. landed on Colin Firth. Or at least they did until the film was actually finished, at which point it was decided that, despite Geoffrey Rush's best attempts to berate him, Firth's voice just wasn't right for Paddington.

Stuart C. Wilson/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

"So I shat outdoors, ate all that marmalade, and went to all those gay bars in preparation for nothing?"

This explains why, in the Paddington trailer, Paddington only grunts and glowers at the camera with dead eyes. We'd offer up a suggestion, but ever since Portal 2, it's hard to imagine a British animated character voiced by anyone other than Stephen Merchant.

#2. Fast and Furious 7 Sounds Like the Saddest Set Ever

Movies frequently have to overcome obstacles during production; in fact, some of the best movies ever made were plagued with problems from start to finish. But while we commend and lionize those directors who battle through adversity, it seems like "the death of your franchise's lead actor" is a perfectly legitimate reason to call it a day.

To wit, you'd think Paul Walker's untimely death would mean the end of the seventh Fast and Furious installment, but not so. Director James Wan has sallied forth, undeterred, finishing Walker's unfilmed scenes using body doubles, CGI, and even Walker's own brothers.

Jason Kempin/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
They should have gone full meta and hired this fellow to fill in.

While studios finishing movies despite the actors being not alive is nothing new, the film has hit a new roadblock: Vin Diesel is apparently hindering production by spending large amounts of time in his trailer. Whether it's merely the loss of his good friend, the shock of seeing Walker replaced like a grotesque, digital marionette, or both, it doesn't bode well for F&F 7: Abu Dhabi Drag.

#1. Jupiter Ascending Is Pushed From July to February

While the trailer for Jupiter Ascending is utterly incomprehensible, it does certainly seem to have some promising elements: pretty visuals, Channing Tatum in eyeliner, and at least a full minute of Sean Bean on screen, alive. Couple that with direction by the Wachowski siblings and a plump $175 million budget, and who doesn't think this movie is going to make a tidy sum?

Warner Bros.
"... Shit."

Warner Bros., that's who. Originally slated for release this month at the height of blockbuster season, they decided -- a month before the film's release -- to push it back to next February. The stated reason is that the special effects shots are incomplete, but there are also rumors that an early screening of the film didn't go well, prompting the Warners -- who saw nine people and a dog buy tickets to their similarly $175 million sci-fi flick Edge of Tomorrow -- to reschedule it for late next winter, when the stiffest competition they can expect are Valentine's Day ensemble romcoms and seasonal affective disorder.

When he isn't digitally inserting himself into Swayze movies, Chris writes for his website, tweets, and hosts a podcast that the FCC described as "unfortunately out of our jurisdiction."

More Quick Fixes:

See More

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!