#3. Teens Lighting Themselves on Fire Isn't a New Craze
One teen doing something dumb is hardly newsworthy. Two teens, though? Hell, that's a full-blown social phenomenon right there. For example, take a look at Huffington Post's coverage of the "trend" that teenagers are now lighting themselves on fire, because rollerblading just isn't extreme enough anymore.
Coming next: The Hot Coal Bucket Challenge.
The article starts by telling us that the video they're reporting isn't the only instance of this new "fire challenge" before seemingly running through other occasions this has popped up in the news. Only through the investigative power of clicking one can you discover that all those links just lead back to different sites covering the same single story of one kid lighting his dumbass chest on fire ... making the toll for this trend a two.
Follow their link to a New York Daily News story and you'll find both of those, plus a third (from a British stunt group), as well as a fourth video ... that's a year old. So now the cool new trend is up to three recent videos and one from before the trend even started, which is of course more than enough for Time and Business Insider to start running headlines like this:
"Teens, don't do this thing that will make us mention you! Please!"
Compound that with the hoax death headlines rolling in and it's safe to say there's a hot new trend out there about reporters just not giving a shit anymore.
#2. That "Mambo No. 5" Coke Photo Is So Clearly Fake
Every now and then a viral photo comes along that people want to be true so badly that the part in their brain that remembers Photoshop exists shuts off. See how your brain fares with this latest sensation:
So bullshitty, it should be called "Mambo #2."
If that means nothing to you, congratulations on avoiding 1999 entirely -- those are the lyrics to Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5." Yes, not only has the machine miraculously lined up the bottles to mimic the names listed in the song, but it magically made the words uncurved on the labels. This got passed along by BuzzFeed, Metro, Bustle, Elite Daily, and Digital Spy ...
"You've won the Internet. Here's some gross fan-fiction and Star Wars bitching."
... before some journalistic savant (random guy on Twitter) went ahead and did the unthinkable by actually looking up if those names exist on Share a Coke bottles, to discover that they absolutely do not.
We tried to reach Lou Bega for comment, but he was late for his shift at KFC.
Which sure seems unsurprising when you consider that the photo came from a stranger's Reddit post, something that would prompt any intelligent news blogger to take a couple clicks out of their day to do the really easy search themselves. Then again, we are talking about the same people who think funny soda shelving is newsworthy.
#1. There's No War Against Pool Poopers in Egypt's Hotels
All right, everyone take a knee, because this is going to take a moment. Cracked has produced at least a solid novella's worth of reading material on the fact that the Daily Mail is a tabloid site that literally just makes up stories. We won't even link you our articles about it, because we think that would be like sourcing the fact that poop smells. And with that, a masterful segue ...
Despite being sensational swill 90 percent of the time, Death And Taxes, Metro, Elite Daily, News.com.au, and NY Daily News have decided to trust the Daily Mail by passing on the story of the brave hotel that decided to take a stand against a pool pooping epidemic by fining over $2,000 to anyone who participates in this new craze. The evidence? A photo of a memo that anyone could have printed, which means very little, and the Daily Mail's word, which means less than nothing. This tourism site carried out an independent investigation (translation: Googled for five minutes) and concluded that there's no wet turd conspiracy.
And while that's business as usual at this point, our real disappointment came from Jezebel also posting the story ... only for this to happen in their comment section:
1) Thanks for reading.
2) We had a magazine?!
If you're confused, the second post is from the writer of the Jezebel article proudly acknowledging the fact that they are reporting a most likely fake story that we'll have to debunk later -- and while we're always happy to hear from a dedicated reader, that's basically the opposite of journalism right there. So, going with the poop theme ... if a child poops on a rug for attention, probably the best thing to do is start ignoring the child so he or she will stop. Because apparently basic human shame isn't going to work.
David is your one-stop shop for all bullshit news. Honor him with sacrifice, or at the very least follow him on Twitter.