Reading comprehension has sunk to such low levels that Facebook has started adding a "[satire]" tag to Onion articles just to make sure people don't mistake them for legitimate news ... the irony, of course, being that the Onion currently contains more truth than the "legitimate news" companies they mock.
So, until Facebook (and everyone else) creates a "[bullshit]" tag for every popular news site out there, we'll have to continue our ongoing mission to debunk the clearly fake stories they disseminate every week. Starting with ...
#6. A Dumb Criminal Did Not Ask Siri How to Hide a Body
Everyone loves a good dumb criminal story almost as much as they love a dumb "Florida man" story -- so when a man in Florida on trial for murder was outed for asking Siri how to hide a body, the news exploded like a John Woo film starring two Large Hadron Colliders. Sites like Business Insider, BuzzFeed, Mediaite, Yahoo, the Independent, IB Times, Huff Post, and Fox all got in on the carnage:
"Hey, Siri. What do snitches get?"
All the reports were accompanied by this incriminating image:
Apparently, his roommate was a T-1000.
That might look vaguely familiar to you, but that doesn't mean you're secretly a serial killer: It just means you remember back in 2011 when everyone was sharing joke Siri replies like that one, which were put in as Easter eggs. According to actual reports from the trial, the image was found in the defendant's Facebook cache, which means that he probably just scrolled past it at some point, not that he made the query himself -- which would have been a little tricky anyway, since his phone doesn't have Siri.
He did manage to write "MURDER HOW?" in a game of Snake, though.
Oh, also relevant: The victim wasn't even his roommate.
Apparently, we have the amateurish reporting of a small local Florida news site to thank for getting this sordid tale all wrong, followed by the amateurish reporting of the rest of the Internet for disseminating that version of the story instead of the truth, which was plainly available in CBS' report the whole time.
#5. That Actress' Selfie With Her Surgically Removed Ribs Was a Blatant Hoax
Rib removal is a fabled summer activity where an actress/goth rock star has a torso bar removed in order to achieve a slimmer figure/self-dick-sucking glory. Basically the American dream, but as recent headlines have shown, it's not actually a regionally exclusive phenomenon:
How much did she pay J.J. Abrams to take those pictures?
According to USA Today, Fox News, Metro, and more, Mexican actress/singer/mother of Batman's child Thalia "admitted ... on a Philippine entertainment news program" that the long-running rumors that she had two ribs removed to look thinner were true, then confirmed it beyond any shadow of a doubt by posting the above images on Instagram. However, at the same time, she seemed to be dropping subtle clues that perhaps she wasn't being completely serious, like using the hashtag #myth, posting pictures of herself eating cooked ribs, or, you know, this:
"Sure, but what does that really prove?" -The Daily Mail
Also, the talk show where she "admitted" all of this? Here's the clip. Unless she had a separate procedure done to become a bald Filipino man, she's not there. So, basically, she saw some morons talking about her ribs on TV and posted the photos to troll them ... along with the rest of the media, inadvertently.
#4. No, There Isn't Going to Be a Real-Life "Purge"
The Purge is the ultimate dream boner for Guy Fawkes-mask-wearing 13-year-olds posting anarchist manifestos on a social media conglomerate, a story centered on an America where all crime is legal for one day -- a story that, according to IB Times, Inquisitr, Epoch Times, and Houston Chronicle, just might become true.
"Chicago ... no change."
EVERYBODY HIT THE DECK! THE REVOLUTION IS CO- Wait, this was supposed to happen last week? Huh.
You've probably guessed that it's constitutionally impossible for any city or state to allow a "get out of jail free" day, but what about masses of teenagers getting organized to go out and crime the shit out of everything? That could happen, right? After all, the original reports said this originated from "a threat posted on social media" -- which translates to a little kid's Facebook post. The original hoax only spawned a series of copycat posts after the news kept shouting it to the heavens, because during a time of civil unrest and police protest, clearly the most responsible thing the media can do is give the most doomsaying jabber-voice a fucking megaphone.