#3. YouTube Stars Aren't "More Popular" With Teens Than Mainstream Celebrities
Are you fed up with our celebrity-obsessed culture? We have good news for you: Kids today apparently don't give a shit about movie stars, according to Jezebel, Business Insider, and Yahoo! Also, bad news: That Will Smith-shaped hole in their soul is being filled with annoyingly voiced guys vlogging about their cats:
Good for you, ObamaIsaReptilian1776. Good for you.
Wow, seriously? Is it possible that the age of the movie star has come to an end with the future wave of world leaders ... only to be replaced with the age of the tween girl giving makeup tips? Entertainment Weekly even points out that YouTube celebrities are seen as "'smarter' and 'more reliable' than mainstream stars" to the new generation. The evidence? A study by Variety that actually says this:
Oh. So both movie actors and YouTubers have positive features, according to the teenagers polled in the study, but the former were declared the winners because they're seen as more "approachable" -- yes, Variety spent money to determine that it's easier to relate to some asshole with a Web camera than an even bigger asshole surrounded by 20 bodyguards. Nowhere in the study did they actually measure popularity. We also feel the need to point out that the oldest of the YouTubers that kids were asked about is in his early 30s, while the "movie stars" group includes Betty White.
Brian To/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
She actually falls into both categories, thanks to her Betty Plays GTA Web series.
#2. Nope, Parents Aren't Freaking Out Over a Doll Penis
Pitchfork-carrying news works best when it involves being outraged at the fact that other people are outraged at something that isn't outrageous, the result being something that's actually outrageous. If you got lost in that sentence, here's an example:
The story of parents freaking out over a Toys "R" Us doll that came with a surprising accessory (a dong) made other people freak out so much that they've begun to write counter-articles explaining why kids totally do need to know about this subject (again, dongs).
"It was going to be eight reasons, but it was cold when we wrote this."
It's a fair point ... that ultimately is rebutting a single instance of one woman complaining about the doll on her Facebook page and nothing more. Others then began sharing her message, mostly to say "Look at this crazy lady losing it over nothing" or just to laugh at the tiny baby dick. Yes, that's seriously what HuffPost, Daily Mail, Gawker, NY Daily News, and Today mean when they declare "people are freaking out" over this doll's penis, boiling this controversy down to a single goddamn stranger and the polite friends who didn't tell her she was being silly. The original post has since been deleted, but that's probably just because there's nothing Facebook loves more than erasing baby genitalia.
#1. Everyone Calm Down About Walmart's Non-Melting Ice Cream
Of all the reasons to be holy pissed off at Walmart, ice cream heat viscosity is an odd egg to swallow. Nevertheless, the story that the Washington and Huffington Posts, Jezebel, and Fox are all going bananas about is the fact that Walmart-brand ice cream sandwiches are apparently impervious to the sun:
"Global warming solved!"
What the fuck? As a viral YouTube video shows, it appears that Walmart's sandwiches are pumped so full of twisted chemicals that, defying all laws of the universe, they don't even melt!
Ew, what next? Beer that won't get warm?
But meanwhile, other tests have shown the opposite result: the cold snack bar simply going to a more solid state of goop than a Frosty the Snowman death puddle. And while the Walmart brand clearly melts slower, so does the beloved Klondike bar next to it -- both of which are affected by plant-based guar gum designed purposefully by the manufacturer to slow down the melting process. In other words, sure, Walmart ice cream sandwiches don't melt fast in the sun ... and the shirt you're wearing while you eat them probably appreciates it.
If anything, just be glad you live in a country where we have the convenience to debate the consistency of our mass-produced discount dessert bars and use the leftover energy to read the articles before sharing them every once in a while.
If you see BS on the Internet, report it immediately to David on his Twitter and be rewarded in the afterlife.